Met a Woman at a Party Who Helps My Daughter Read at School. Not Friendly.

I volunteer at school. I'm great with kids. With adults - not so much. I come of as aloof, unfriendly or as a b*t*h but really I'm just totally awkward. I hate going to parties or places that are crowded because of this.

Sometimes if a really friendly person approaches me and tries to engage in normal social interaction I get really uncomfortable and freeze up. It's not that I don't want to talk -- I just don't know how.

Hard to explain, I'm kind of a weirdo, I know. But once I get to know someone I'm perfectly normal(ish). And around the kids I'm fine.

Good grief! Please don't take this personally. Maybe she was just having a rough day and hoping to make it to the end of the birthday party, then get out of there. If you want to help with reading, volunteer specifically to read with the kids.

Maybe she's just shy, or maybe she's more comfortable working with kids than she is adults.
Don't read anything into it.
I'm pretty shy and reserved until I get to know someone, and I know that can sometimes come across as rude, or indifferent, which I'm definitely not!
And if you'd like a chance to do more one on one work with the kids while you're volunteering just ask the teacher about it. Not all parents like or feel comfortable working directly with the kids so you may need to let her know how you feel.

Another wow from me today. You have not seen this woman with the children. How do you know that she's unfriendly and not helpful for your daughter? In fact, why do you think she's unfriendly. She may be shy with adults. She may just not feel like talking at this one moment. Why are you so quick to judge?

Since you are hurt because you're not working directly with children, tell the teacher you want to help with math and reading. Are you skilled in those areas? The other mother may be and that's why she's helping. Or it just may be luck of the draw. Perhaps her first day was before your first day and so she received that assignment.

I am really puzzled by your attitude. I understand getting your feelings hurt. Now, I suggest you get past that and be assertive in asking for what you want with the teacher without putting down another mother who is volunteering too.

It may depend upon what days and times you volunteer. For instance, I volunteer in my 3rd grader's classroom, and my assigned time is Monday mornings from 8-9. Well, as much as I'd love to help the kids with reading, it's not going to happen at that hour, because they have to collect lunch money, take roll, go to computer lab, etc. So the teacher has me doing busy work during that time. One time, I volunteered to help with a pizza lunch, and the teacher asked if I could stay afterward. I did, and that is when I got to help with reading. So, you may just let the teacher know that this is something you'd like to help with, and let her know that you're available at different times during the day as well.

As for the woman not being friendly, ease up. Maybe she had a headache. Maybe she's shy. Maybe she had a big fight with her husband before the party. Who knows. But she's a capable adult who is volunteering her time to help your child, so just try to be happy about that.

Get over your "fine" self. Let the teacher know you want to help more with the children in addition to the "busy work"....(Keep in mind the busy work needs to be done and is also important). Be grateful that someone if helping your child to be a better reader. Many children respond better to another adult rather then their own parent.

I would reconsider your assessment of her being unfriendly solely based upon the fact that she wouldn't continue the conversation or any conversation. Some people just are not good at 'small talk' conversations. Some people are shy and just find it difficult to converse with strangers at all. I am one such person - but once you get to know me you will find that I am one of the most friendly people you'll every meet. (of course i'm biased!)

I wouldn't take the assignment of volunteer duties as a slight unless you have discussed your desire to read with the children with the teacher and she's still ignoring your request. I've learned the hard way that often the people who get what we wanted were the ones who asked.

I know that sometimes I come off as aloof or unfriendly at times. These are usually the days I've missed my meds (I have bipolar type 2) or am simply having an episode of depression but am forced to be out among other people, which is the LAST thing I want to be doing.

Please give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't like talking to strangers very much, I find it very intimidating.

I find your SWH to be so enlightening! I know exactly what it's like to be in your shoes, too! Sometimes I can be so sensitive that I misread other people's social cues. I bet if, next time you see her, you start with a compliment about how your daughter likes her or how much she is helping her, things will warm up between you two. My daughter has a best friend whose mother is even MORE socially awkward than I am. She is a challenge to talk to sometimes, but we now have a very friendly relationship since I understand (through experience, not by talking to her about it directly) how she uncomfortable she is in social situations, even more so than I am. I am so glad to hear you can see it from her point of view.

Try to give her some grace. It may not be that she is actually unfriendly or uninterested in continuing a conversation with you. Perhaps she is shy or nervous when meeting new people and making small talk. Growing up I was pretty shy, but as I have grown up I have pretty much grown out of my shyness. I was in a sorority in college and I am a teacher. Between those two things is what has helped me be more outgoing. It wasn't until I met my husband who considers himself an introvert that I realized just how agonizing it can be for some people when they meet new people. It takes some people more than others to warm up to acquaintances and become friends.
As for the volunteering with children, by all means bring it up to your child's teacher that you would be interested in working with the kids and let her know about your credentials. I would have thought I had died and gone to heaven if someone with your knowledge walked into my classroom. Writing is so difficult to teach sometimes and it goes hand in hand with reading, so be sure to let her know all of this. Goodness, I would be picking your brain about mini-lessons for writing or at least maybe have you talk to the kids about how you get started on a writing piece and seeing it through to publishing!
Get in there and toot your horn a bit! :-)
At any rate, I am sure the teacher appreciates all of your help. We as teachers always love the extra pair of hands in the classroom. Know that whatever it is you do to help the teacher with is just as valued as working with kids. Whenever you see this other mom, always treat her with genuine kindness and respect and do your work for the teacher with a giving heart. It will either bear fruits of friendship or it won't. Either way you gave your best and that is most important.
God Bless,
A.

Tell the teacher you are a writer. Ask her if you can help the kids read and write. Accept whatever task she give you; the important thing is to be in your daughter's classroom.

If someone doesn't seem to like you, let it go. It doesn't matter. There isn't a person on the earth who is everyone's cup of tea.

I think that maybe what you're interpreting as "unfriendly" in her unwillingness to discuss what you wanted to discuss was actually her being uncomfortable with your line of questioning. You guys were at a birthday party, and maybe she felt like you were grilling her about how she helps your daughter and that wasn't so fun for her any more.

It's also possible that you just caught her on a bad day or otherwise misinterpreted her demeanor and body language. It does sound like you managed to extend the conversation beyond what she was comfortable with, and that could account for why you feel she froze you out a bit. Were I volunteering at school and encountered the parent of a child I had helped and felt cornered, I honestly can say I would feel very uncomfortable and probably criticized and would try to get out of that conversation very quickly. I would have shut it down, however, by telling you straight out that it made me uncomfortable and that any discussion regarding volunteering should be taken up with your daughter's teacher.

I think you're feeling jealous that she gets to work with the students and you don't. This is the teacher's decision. Since you got the info out of her that she also gets busy work to do, that she helps the kids with math and reading, that she reads with your daughter once a week - it sounds like she did converse with you beyond "You're welcome." You don't know her. You're not friends, it was the first time you met. Maybe she isn't comfortable around people she doesn't know. Maybe she had friends there. You talking to her won't make your daughters compatible - the kids know whether they want to be friends or not, that's not something moms arrange. How this woman is at a party with adults is not an indication of her classroom demeanor. How the teacher uses the volunteer help is her decision, and if you have an issue with the work that the teacher is having you do, please take it up with the teacher and do not take it out on or blame this other mom. I think you are judging her unfairly.
It would be inappropriate for this mother to give you information about how your daughter is doing in school. She is just a volunteer. She is not the teacher. Any concerns about academics should be discussed with the teacher. The mom is not qualified to discuss your daughter's school performance and privacy issues are one of the reasons why our district does not allow parents to assist in any academic areas in the classroom.

Some people just aren't good people person's. That doesn't mean she isn't great with children. Maybe she is one of those people who take time to warm up to other people. Maybe she just didn't have anything to add to the conversation besides the fact that she has helped your dd before.

Maybe the woman was just really tired? Lats week, a colleague asked what I was having for lunch, and I said "food." I was soooo worn out and it was the best I could do. Fortunately, she already knows me and knows I'm not a jerk, so she laughed. You really have no idea why the woman didn't want to talk....and it probably had nothing to do with you or your daughter. So, I'd try not to feel *anything* about that!

And yes, it would be good to let the teacher know your education and profession. Try not to do it in a hurt way. Perhaps "Hey, you know I think I could be a lot more help at reading and I'd really like to do that. You know...I have an English degree and write for x,y,z."

Good luck!

Yeah, you should tell the teacher what your background is.

I wouldn't worry so much about the woman not being friendly to you. How she deals with your daughter is probably 'all business', but that's okay. What would NOT be okay is if she talked ugly to your daughter because she didn't read well.

I would not try to talk further with this mother. Just enjoy your volunteer work and hopefully you'll move into more of a role working directly with the children.

Dawn

Maybe she is just shy or a bit socially awkward. There are lots of us in this world.

If the woman was just not talkative vs rude, then I'd let it go. I'm not the kind of person that is up for a lot of chit chat at events. My DH is the gregarious one. I'm not mean or rude. I just don't have a lot to say sometimes. I think you said the right thing and next time you go to volunteer, ask the teacher specifically about helping with work or reading. Maybe the other mother simply took it upon herself vs asking, too. Or maybe the teacher doesn't know how to use all the help she has. Just today a friend commented to another parent in her son's class that the teacher expressed that parents sometimes mean well but stress her out. My friend had no idea, since the teacher runs her room very well. Friend offered to do take home things (like cut out a bag of stuff) rather than being in the classroom.

If you want to know how your DD is doing with reading, talk to her teacher and/or have your daughter read to you at home.

Another poster had a good point about the time of day. Maybe each of you is asked to do what the teacher needs at that moment and the other mom happens to be around when the kids are doing other things.

Yes because I sometimes come off as "unfriendly" towards people YET I'm an awesome preschool teacher. Just because she didnt strike up conversation with you doesn't mean she's unfriendly. Maybe your just jelious she gets to work with the kids and you don't. JMO

Before I jump to the conclusion that I don't want my daughter around someone I think is unfriendly, I first ask her if how she feels about the person...

Personally, I could not stand her 1st grade teacher last year...I thought she was unfriendly, and "grumpy". I asked my daughter and how she like her teacher...she said "Mom, she is great, we have a lot of fun in class"...

So just because you think she's unfriendly doesn't mean your daughter is uncomfortable with this lady.

I've learned via Girl Scouts that some parents are just quiet, reserved and don't like to talk to other parents. Nothing wrong with that...doesn't mean they are "bad people", just means that they are friend material for me.

I think it would be totally inappropriate for a volunteer to discuss your daughter's progress in reading with you. Totally inappropriate.

I would just be pleasant but aloof. You've got a long way to go on this school journey.

ETA: I deleted my snarky Florida people comment. :)

As a teacher, I never like parents in my classroom--student teachers great, but parents were just busy bodies...

As for this parent--she probably did not want to talk 'shop' at a party. I understand that completely!

she doesn't sound rude, she sounds busy, or distracted, or shy, or exhausted. she was courteous, and not interested in continuing a get-to-know-you-better conversation.
no crime in that.
it was nice of you to thank her.
don't read too much into it.
khairete
S.

Some teachers LOVE parent helpers.. others do not..

Last year my daughters kinder teacher would let me help in computer lab only..meet her at computer lab and then say bye bye as the kids waled backj to class (it is not easy to keep 20+ kindergarteners on task while they are using computers). I got to come to the class 1 time when it wasnt a fun party day.

This year.. the teacher loves parent helpers... Yes I cut copy and staple.. but i do reading groups.. math games and extra challenge math for the top students in math.

i felt like the kinder teacher didnt like me.. but in fact she didnt care much for parents in her class. her class was chaotic and she was always trying to get control of the kids.. but she never quite got it.

so.. dont take it personally.. it can be the teacher..just send a quick email telling the teacher what you would like to do.. and when you can do it.. she will either respond with an enthusiastic yes.. or she might not respond.. (I have found that teachers read all of the emails from parents but only respond to some)

you know it's funny some posts get advice to trust your gut and some posts say you are all judgemental.

In your situation, I would quite honestly say, I am in both positions on wanting people who work with my kid to be friendly and i am also one to be shy and akward.

when you weed out the gjunk, I think people have a couple of good points, that the time of day you volunteer might come into play, and so of course talking with the teacher might help. i forget the other good point, I guess it is maybe to give the lady a break, I'm sure if she had just thrown you a " your little susie is so cute I just love workign with her" you would have had an entirely different impression. Which leads me to believe she might actually be a jerk.

I have found with girls there can be alot of drama and they could love and hate each other and you might have caught that mom right after a hate episode where the girls weren't getting along for what ever silly reason.

try to let it go and like someone said be friendly but don't expect playdates until or unless she warms up.

No because you are wondering how friendly she is to your daughter while she is working with her.

Why be annoyed if she is helping? Maybe she is out there just to do that, not in the interest of making friends. If your daughters will be friends or not, they will decide. Some kids are only school friends. Some will keep for many years, some not.
About your skills being put to use...could be the teacher prefers to use only one reading tutor because she gets better results. Remember kids like one persons style, and respond well to it.
Thanks for volunteering. You will always be appreciated.

You're annoyed that a woman who didn't want to have a conversation with you is helping your daughter? Ask the teacher not to allow the woman to help your daughter and let your daughter fend for herself. That's better, right?