Marital Issues - Would Love Some Advice

There is a book by the Gottman's called "And Baby Makes Three." Just a suggestion esp. for those who have been married for a while and then decide to have a baby. Men and women experience the first year or so of a baby's life so differently! We went through it too.

Jen

Hi J.,
I am so sorry to hear about your marrital problems. I am very encouraged to hear how you are not ready to let it go. My husband and I have had stressful times in our relationship as well. We are currently watching a DVD that a friend let us borrow, that really helped open our eyes to some things about marriage. I know there is a book out there too, but a DVD might be a time saver since you have a little one! :-) It's called iMarriage, and I just found it on ebay, so you can check there. He talks about how before we are married we have dreams, desires, and wishes, and somehow after we get married they become expectations. If we expect something of our spouse, and they deliver, then they are "just doing what a husband/wife does" and then we are suddenly in a debt/debtor relationship. It has helped us see how to put those expectations back into a wish mode, so if our spouse does it, then they have fullfilled our desires, not just adhered to our expectations. I hope it helps you, and stay in there.

okay, most guys will not want to go to therapy accd'g to my hubby. are you having frequent sex? that speaks love to him and if that's not happening often enough, any man will feel resentment. get a sitter, surprise him with an intimate night together, THEN discuss your concerns as he can hear you and respond to when this essential need is met. show appreciation for all of his hard work to provide for your family. i am a sahm, too, and i know it means the world to my hubby when i tell him those things regularly. sometimes i forget and it shows!
good luck,
J.

J., i think your husband is in an adjustment phase and he alone or you both need some profiessional help. i went thru the same thing when my son was born (5 years ago) and i dont' think we could have solved the problem on our own. my husband had to go on meds. So, that is what i would do - if you can't afford it then cut something out to be able to afford it - your marriage should be a huge priority and that is the best thing you can do for your kids is show them a loving household. Also, just so he doesn't feel like he has to be the sole provider and breadwinner, can you a little bit to make him feel a bit more secure? maybe that would help know that you are trying.

I would suggest seeing a therapist. Also, make sure you each get some time to do your own thing. My husband and I take turns every other weekend going to meetings (AA/Al-Anon), split the chores including grocery shopping and laundry, and working out (my husband - basketball & gym, me - gym & running). We were married 5 years before our daughter came along (she is almost 15 months) and had a lot of fights the first year with her and there were many times I wanted to split up. I began seeing a therapist when she was 3 months old but it was not until she was 9 months that we had a huge fight and worked out a schedule.

The date night is also something my husband and I kept going after our daughter was born. We always make sure we have our Saturday night for usually dinner (we bring her with us), put her down to sleep, get our teenage son out of the house and we have our intimate time together. We always knew this was extremely important and sure helps relieve the stress and draws us together again.

Also, my husband watches a lot of t.v. and it still bothers me, but I learned that if it is really bothering me, I just take our daughter out, especially now that the weather is nice, or into her room for some one on one time. Men watch t.v. and it's something that isn't going to change.

Baby added a lot of stress to our household, as well. My husband loves our 16 month-old girl to death, but there is so much more demand on time and finances that he is generally overwhelmed. He gets angry a lot more frequently and is very sensitive to "criticism" of his care of baby. Sometimes he would lose his temper with the baby. At the end of the day he would withdraw and watch TV for hours to unwind, not even joining me and baby at the dinner table. So I'm basically no longer a part of his daily routine. One day I really sad and just said "I'm unhappy. Things are really bad." This woke him up, and he acknowledged what he'd been doing when I pointed it out. He is now trying harder to control his anxieties and to have some more family time that includes all of us, not just switching off caring for baby. It's not easy and he isn't a "changed man," but I had a day off in the middle of the week last week, and since baby goes to daycare my husbnd actually suggested we have an afternoon date. That really showed his efforts. Of course, I don't know if your husband will be as responsive as this. Much, much luck to you.

Hi J., I have to admit that having a child has been so much more of a life change than either me or my husband could have anticipated. Before our daughter (now 18 months) came along I think we only ever had 2 fights. Then, here came a colicky baby that screamed 24/7 & obviously, a VERY stressed new Mom. ENTER FIGHTING. I will say that things have gotten much better in the last 6 months but I still don't feel that same "connection" with my husband. I know he feels the same as well. It's so hard between being older parents & having had a lot of time to do our own thing, to adjusting to one income, etc.. We both gave up some hobbies that we loved but just aren't an option to continue right now. So, I think we are struggling to find things that we like (individually & together) to help break up to monotony of life. OK, so, sorry, this is supposed to be about you, not me!! :-) It sounds like you and your husband need to 'reconnect' as well. Maybe you could try to plan some date nights (more than one). I'm hoping that if you and your husband can spend some quality time together that he will relax a little, not be so stressed & you guys can talk about the things that really matter. At the end of the day it's your family that matters; you, him and your beautiful daughter. Keep your chin up and make the effort your marraige deserves. Good luck!

I would simply just ASK your husband if he is happy with you and if there is anything you can do to help him releave some stress. Something as simple as making him his favorite meal once a week. To renting his favorite movie to packing his lunches to save money will show him his is important too. We women tend to nag and get on their case allot and when a baby come into the picture they become 2nd best. Be sure to let him know he is still #1. A baby needs their father too and so if you and he are not good then your baby will suffer....try really hard to make him happy.

I am the mother of a 19-month-old and a 5-month-old. Your situation sounds similar to mine. I am reading John Gottman's book, The Seven Principes for Making Marriage Work, which was recommended by my sister, a psychologist. It's one of the few relationship books (I think) that is supported by sound research.

Good luck!

Lynne E

I can definitely agree that men want sex! all the time! My husband gets an attitude if we don't have it every week, and we don't have it every week. He is understanding though. Kids are exhausting! They take everything out of you. Men also feel neglected when the kids come first. We have had that discussion many times. So, it is a matter of balance and communication. Find out what your husbands wants and needs from you and take it from there.If you are looking to work from home you can check out my website at www.themomteam.com/michelleyoung Hope some of this helps Good Luck!

I recommended couples counsling. My husband and I are currently doing it, and it's wonderful. It has helped so much. We are working throught things and communicating so much better.

R.

J.,

Is your husband the jealous type? Perhaps he feels resentful towards the baby. Suddenly, you have a new love of your life and are spending every waking hour with her. You guys probably need to have date nights.

When our son was born, my husband was great. But our relationship suffered a little because we both were so stressed out. It got to a point where we would yell at each other for no reason. I usually just keep things to myself, but I knew that if we continued like that, not only will our relationship suffer, but I didn't want our son to be in that kind of environment.

So I just talked to him. Turns out that he was feeling resentful because he was not getting any of my attention anymore.

All I have to say is find out what's on your husband's mind. The solution could be as simple as planning a "date night" once a week.

Good luck!
___________________________________________________________
Read a story. Share your story. Win $10 http://gagazine.com/join.

Having similar issues. My husband works a lot, I am working part time from home but am finding it difficult with two small kids (4 and 20 months). I feel he thinks he is a better parent than I am, because things are different with him as a "come-and-go" dad (he works a lot AND travels almost half of each month)the kids behave better with him. Our relationship is rocky and at times I think we both think about letting it all go. But in reality we don't want to. I used to just get all crazy upset with him and cause a lot of tension, but now I just calmly mention when he says things that hurt me or make me feel like a bad mother. He is pretty open to it now that I don't make it accusatory. It is like a regular part of our life now, my little "chats". I also ask him if I can do anything to help him. I don't actually need more to do or feel that I am wrong, it just helps him open up to tell me how stressed he is. Getting it off his chest seems to help his stress level.

It seems to get much better as the kids get older...and having the second one mellows all parents. We don't worry too much about the little things and the overprotective thing has relaxed too. TLC and time are all that we need, I hope.

Good luck.
(He doesn't believe in therapy so couples therapy is out for us.)

Did you try couple therapy? The most important issues here are if he still respects you and loves you. Does he know about your feelings? Life is hard and children separate instead of bringing couples together. Racing a child is a very difficult task, but if both of you are in the same boat it's easier. If you feel your husband disagree with everything you do, get together and talk about what he thinks you are doing wrong, express yourself and tell him that is not good to disapproved in front of your daughter or critize you all the time, this generate anxiety in the baby and thing will turn out to be worsed if he keeps doing this, but be careful the way you tell him this, because he will become defensive instead of cooperative and think about what's wrong with him or what else is bothering him. May be he is frustrated for other issues in his office.
Don't blame him, tell him that racing the baby is a team work, both of you have to decide how. He shouldn't blame you either is not conducing anywhere. Be assertived and at the same time caring for what he is going through.
Talk to other friend couples in the same situation in life, you would realized that you are not alone, other couples have similar issues. Make a date with your husband alone, could be at lunch time to relax and talk about the feelings of both of you and make a plan, how to improve the relationship.
I was just thinking allow and expresing what came out of my mind. I never experience anything like that, my kids are grown ups now, but I have a very closed friend with similar issues. I hope this can help.