Mamasource Therapy

R.,

It does take them a while, & in some cases they need to walk in your shoes to know how hard your days are. They don't come home & think "housework;" we obviously do! But to keep things in perspective, we need to understand their stress & days too. They often times don't have "options" like us. They are expected to be the breadwinners, no matter what. Talk about stress!

That being said...you mentioned daycare being a strain on finances. Have you considered dropping your lifestyle down a notch & becoming a stay at home mom? The money we spend on daycare, the drive time, the eating out, work clothes (much more expensive than sweats! ;), extra (probably w/ a payment) car, extra taxes- not to mention the emotional cost of being away from your little one so much just don't usually add up to make the extra job worth it. There are lots of part-time/ from home opportunities for us now, and I think so many women fear they'll go to root if they stay home. The early years in our children's lives are so precious, plus- I've always said, "If my kids are going to be screwed-up, I want it to be all my fault!"

My friends who mocked me for staying home & said I'd be bored, were SO wrong! Now that my kids are older, I am working again, but it's on my terms & theirs- not a boss or a company. If my kids are sick, they either come with me or I take off. It's a great flexibility!

Now, for hubby & you- I'd certainly recommend some good counseling- esp. feeling like you are. At the very least, I'd make sure you are carving out "date night" time. We do every other weekend, almost religiously, & have since our 7 year old was very young. It's really easy to get so into being "mommy," you & your hubby forget you are also, first & foremost- "wife." It can be a hard balance to find. Esp. as a new mom. I'm afraid though, we think this little one "needs" me, hubby just "wants" me. But that is patently false. In a marriage & family, everyone needs everyone else. We all just have to figure out the balance. You have needs of him, and you guys need to have some serious discussion about that. I know from personal experience, that guys don't always get that, but once they do- if they are stand-up guys- they'll understand. Also, make sure you are getting out by yourself a night or two a week. Leave him in full charge & care of the baby you both made. When my 7 year old was 9 months old, I'd had it! I was going a bit buggy, while my hubby was still doing his tae kwon do workouts 2-3 nights a week & on Saturdays, I was doing nothing that didn't include my daughter. After a bit of negotiation, we carved out "my nights" (T/TH), "his nights" (M/W), "family nights", & "our nights." With little variation, we've stuck to that for 7 years & another baby later.

Hope some of this helps. Hang in there. If he's a good guy, work things out! Don't lose hope...can you imagine going it alone?? I don't envy those single moms out there! It's a lot easier w/ two!

D.

Dear R.,
Bless your heart! I know a little of what you are talking about. I have 3 little ones (under the age of 6), but I stay at home and I have to tell you it's hard too. After our first, I struggled so much because I wanted to live up to this Super-Mom image that I always thought I would be.... and the fact is, I couldn't. After I had all I could take I finally blew up one day at him. I couldn't handle it any more. I felt like I had lost my husband and myself in this new precious child. I finally asked him to help. And wow! That was all it took. I believe men just don't pick up on the obvious. They need to be asked because they are not going to look around and think for themselves, man... I bet she would love it if I did a load of laundry. Now, asking once probably won't do it, but when you need help just ask. It's a family and that means everyone works together for the greater good of that unit. Just sit and talk to him. Share openly about your frustrations. And maybe sit and really think if you do want to stay home. It's a tough decision, but one that shouldn't be taken lightly. Having a child forever changes your life and that includes your marriage. Now more than ever it is so important to stay connected to your husband. You have to for your family's sake. I wish you the best and please.... just ask him... you may be surprised.

I know this will be hard for you but it worked for my husband and me. Tell your husband you need his help and have him do what you do evening and then ask him how to make it better. Have him feed the baby, make dinner, bathe the baby and put her down. Also, have him do a load of laundry and the dinner dishes. My husband had no idea how hard it was to do it all and when I said help, he said how. I didn't know how so I had him do everything I did and asked him to help me figure out how. After that we brainstormed on how to divide everything out and where he could help and where I could change things up. Your marriage is important and if you both work, you both need to share the house responsibilities. I also did what he did and realized those things are important too. I put the ball in my husband's court and told him I would try whatever he suggested after he experienced doing it all. He realized that I was doing just as much, if not more, than him and by asking for his help he didn't see it as demanding or nagging, but as truly helping. It took awhile, but things got better and our marriage got better because we started really working together.

I've been there! We bought the Gary Smalley tapes "Keys to loving relationships". it basically saved our marriage.

I will say that is sounds like you need to figure out a schedule that will allow more family time. When we had our first, we downsized our house and sold one of our 2 cars so i could quit my job and start working from home (which is not easy, but i'm hangin in there...) I know money and jobs are necessary, but it really doesn't do any good if the family is crumbling!

I will keep you in my prayers, and let me know if you are interested in borrowing the tapes.

Oh R., I am so sorry to see you all going through this! I bet we've all been in your shoes, or very close to it!! It took my husband overa year to finally realize how much of a handful it was for me to work full time during the day (hello, I work just as hard as he does!!), come home and play with our daughter, feed her, bathe her, put her to sleep, etc. And on the weekends it would take me a full two days to clean the house and do launcdry, and at that it was a half-ass cleaning. And he's like you're husband - why didn't this get cleaned, when are you going to put this away, blah blah blah. I finally decided I'd had enough. My weekends were MY time with my daughter and I didn't want to spend them cleaning the house! So he finally agreed to get a housecleaner. He's held back on me with this for a couple years now. But now that Eeva is older and he spent more weekends with her while I was working my jewelry business, he sees how you can't get much else done while taking care of her. I know your daycare is a financial drain, but do you have anything left in your budget for a cleaning service? I'm not saying this is the magic thing but it certainly will help take a load off! He also needs to realize you work just as hard as he does during the day and that your full-time job doesn't stop the second you get home. If yall aren't able to talk through it and him understand, then therapy is the next best thing. Babies change A LOT in the marriage!!!

Good luck sweetie! I'm thinking of you!

I am not married but we live together and have our happy little family. It took some time, and effort along with a letter joined with a conversation for change to come into play. Now we have a great household and happier relationship. I wrote him a letter of what I was not getting that I needed and how he could assist. Make sure you also note what he is doing well and ask him what he could use more from you. It's a difficult situation and I hope you get through it.

I think this is pretty normal. I know that you are concerned about the comment you made, but you were upset and it does not seem like you have been able to get through to your husband. It is hard to be a working mom and take care of the house and baby. I think men do not always understand how difficult it is to raise a child. It took awhile for my husband to understand, I think what finally did it was him spending an extended amount of time with her, ours is a bundle of energy and he was so tired after taking care of her! A baby totally changes your life and your perspective!
My husband was very used to me taking care of pretty much everything before the baby, so it was a huge adjustment for him and me when she came along. Something that helped me was to ask him for what I needed his help with. Trust me at first I nagged him a lot! I was angry that he did not help more. But then I decided to be very specific about what I needed, ex: "It would be helpful for you to put away the dishes and clean the high chair while I put the baby down for bed". "Please go to the grocery store on the way home and pick up X,Y, and Z?"
Try to communicate more clearly about what you need from him. If he is not willing to give a little, it may take a third party for you both to talk to.
You may also want to try to plan some time for the two of you away from the baby.
Good luck!

R.,
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Oh R., it is totally natural. Yes, I have been through the same thing, and pretty much still going through it to a lesser extent. It really is hard to make a marriage work as well as raise a child and work. My best suggestion is to sit down and talk to your husband about it. Tell him that it is important that the two of you really take some time to talk. Pick a time your daughter is asleep or get a sitter because you need to really get through to him how you feel. You may also want to consider professional counseling. Even just one session to get you on the right track. Are you a part of a church? Perhaps your priest or pastor would be willing to sit down with you. Sometimes it just helps to have someone facilitate and make sure one person doesn't dominate the conversation.

I know finances can really be tough. Often it is the hardest part of a marriage. I agree with the person that suggested getting a housekeeper if at all possible. I have a girl come in once every two weeks just to wash the floors, scrub the bathrooms, and do those things that would otherwise slip. But yes, I know that is a luxury financially. You may want to consider changing jobs. It sounds like you have quite a long commute. Perhaps something closer or even something that helps with childcare might be better. It wouldn't hurt just to keep an eye out to see what's out there.

I really applaud your breastfeeding, but again that can be a huge personal strain, especially in your situation. You made it longer than I did. My baby seemed to start to self-wean at about 6 months and I didn't fight it. You may want to consider starting a slow weaning process. Yes, breastfeeding is best, but NOT at the expense of a happy mother. If you can earn yourself an extra hour or two daily by bottle feeding, it sounds like it really might be worth it for you. At least it would give you your lunch hour at work, which can really make a huge difference.

Finally, you need to find time for "date night" with your hubby. If you have family that can babysit, that would be great. Our families are out of town, but you can bet that when they visit, we get away for a dinner out. It is MUCH needed. If you don't have family, trade off babysitting with friends with kids, even if it is just for a few hours on an afternoon. Go bowling, play putt putt golf, go have a drink or whatever... just get some together alone time for the two of you. You deserve it and you need it! If you ever need to vent, feel free to message me. I'll listen anytime!