Lying...

I had my daughter write out on ruled paper 'i will not lie'. I also have a star board at my house and everyday she is good, all day, she gets a star... If she lies she gets them all taken away - no matter how big or small the lie it is still a lie. This effects her because once she gets 35 stars she gets something super special. Washing her mouth out with soap seemed to help when she was younger.

I do know that "story telling" is a very normal developmental thing at this age. So is actual lying, such as one mom's example of asking her daughter outright if she put her shoes away and the daughter answering "yes".

But what this is NOT is an indication of anything in adulthood as long as you handle it with reason and respect. Lots of other moms have already said pretty much what I would say as well...
Reinforce how much you value that you can trust each other.
Let him know that ALWAYS if he tells you the truth, you have respect for that. Even if he did something very bad, you would rather have him tell you than to tell a lie.
NEVER go off the deep end if he does tell you the truth, even if you feel it deserves consequences, make sure that they make sense and they are not delivered with anger.
Tell him how it makes you feel if you think someone didn't tell you the truth--it's even better to do this at times when it isn't him, or if you are reading a story and a character lies.

Ultimately, he is probably doing the developmentally appropriate thing--he is testing the difference between truth, fantasy, and outright untruths. But he doesn't yet have the capacity to get the subtle differences between telling "tall tales" for entertainment value or to make a point and telling "lies" that are damaging in some way. He'll get it if you keep teaching him.

Hi B.,
I have a 6 year old daughter who doesn't lie too much, luckily. I don't know if that's her nature, or my teaching. When I suspect she is lying, I don't get angry or it will never come out. I talk in a calm, nice voice. I let her know that if she tells me the truth now, I promise not to get angry no matter what it is. And I let her know that if I find out later, she will be in trouble. She usually tells me the truth right then and I don't get mad. When it's over, we talk a little. I simply tell her that lying is something our family never does to eachother because we love eachother. I just make it matter of fact that it's not something we do and she understands and, being young, just trusts me. I've been doing this all along and it has never been a major issue. Mostly I do it, so when she is older, she knows she can tell me anything and I will always promise her that I won't get angry as long as she tells me herself. I think when they are young, you don't want to make it into a big thing so they realize it gives them any kind of power, then it could turn into a major problem. I hope this helps.

Oh B.!
I am feeling your pain right now!! My 5 1/2 year old has been learning this life lesson the hard way. For almost 2 years, she's tried to slip a "story" by me. Well, children are so easy to read. I learned to watch her cues if she was telling me the truth or not. Most of the time I would call her on her stretch of the truth.
Example, Me: "Did you put your shoes away?"
Her: Yes, mommy.
Me: Did you put your shoes where they are supposed to go?
Her: Yes, Mommy.
Me: Can I go check?
Her: NO NO!!! I'll go put them away.
Mind you, she doesn't look at me in the eyes, her voice is either quiet, monotone, or she doesn't answer me at all.
We also have been learning that telling the truth from the start will lead to an "understanding" mom, not the "mad" mommy. And she might have to face consequences, but not as bad as if she lies and then covers up for it.
It's a really hard lesson to learn. And as a loving and caring mom, you'll get thru this. It might take some tough love techiniques, but as long as he knows that you love him unconditionally and want him to learn to be an honest person as (not when) he grows up, you will both be great!
Good luck and let us know how it goes! I could use some tips on the stealing lesson for my 3 year old.
A.

My 5 year old just did some of the same. I guess it's a sign that they can understand how other people may think (they ability to imagine what goes in other's minds). The stealing went down when I checked pockets before leaving places and when it kept going, I made him give some of his toys (he was taking things mostly from daycare).

For lying I just point out that I know it's a lie and to tell me truth and give a short time-out. If I give it more attention, he does it more. Since 5 year olds want to please their moms and not disappoint it usually just takes normal consequences (time-out, talk, explanation of why it's not okay and move on).

Hi B.,
Until they are 7 or 8, kids often have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. So they tend to have unrealistic fears, and don't completely get the concept of a lie. That being said, there some things to do that might help: Make sure there are consequenses for untrueths that occur; make them as natural as possible. (If a cookie is taken, it's too bad that there are not enough cookies for the next time they are expected, etc.) You can also show hurt or dissapointment for untruths that could cause problems that way. If it is an exageration, expressing some sceptism is entirely approprate.
You are doing a fantastic job if you have conquered stealing already. I'm sure you will find the right key with this one as well.
L.

The way I found was best in dealing with this letting them know that it was better to admit to the lying than to continue to stick to it. I did this with my boys who are now 10 and 12. I showed them it was OK by having a calm reaction when they did admit to me the truth. There were still consequences though. They know it is better to just admit it and deal with the consequences than hold in the lie. We always end up talking about why they lied in the first place and how I will always find out anyways. All the conversations are tailored to their age at the time. I am hoping this will continue to be successful with our 3 1/2 year old daughter. Good Luck.

It is hard for children in the lying department- We as parents and providers actually teach them to lie..... Example- Your child wants more candy, instead of just saying NO- parents come up with responses like- there is no more, when really you have some in the candy dish.... We are great liars on the phone too.... Litte eyes and ears are watching everywhere- I say go on the NAEYC website and look up lying.... Good luck!!!!!!!! NAEYC stands for National association for the education of young children. Role modeling and setting realistic expectations is the best anwer I have.... Look out for some great books on children who lie and maybe share some of your own experiences you had growing up as you learned to tell the truth, or call on an aunt or uncle to do the dirty work..... P.

I've delt with lying the same way my parents did with me and it seems to work. I told my kids that they they should never lie to me because I will never know when I could believe them. That also means that I don't ever lie to them.
Also, explain to them how difficult it is to cover up a lie and how foolish it makes them look to others. And, of course the obvious, lieing is just plain wrong and "we don't do that".

Hi B.,

Lying is a touchy subject. I suggest using a word picture because children understand those failrly well. For example the boy who cried wolf. Do you know that story? If, not I would say maybe research children's authors who deal with lying in a positive manner. There is a book out called Parenting with Love and logic and I think that it might help you in this situation. It is really great that you are so devoted in your parenting! It becomes challenging sometimes that is a definite. :) Blessings to you.

K.S.

Hi B....so I don't have any genius pieces of advice except to say that I do know it's a perfectly normal phase they go through at that age. I have 2 girls and I did explain to them that lying was bad and that I wouldn't know when to believe them, blah blah blah and it never got hugely out of control (only because I got lucky...not because my talk was part genius or anything).

Boys are probably a little different (I've heard they don't like "the talks" so much LOL)...a friend of mine with a boy tried this to make her point:

When she dropped him off at school (or preschool)one morning she said "today when I pick you up we're going to go to McDonald's for milkshakes!" Her son was so excited. When she picked him up he said "yay time for milkshakes" and she said "actually no I lied, we're just going home." She did this a couple times (using different "lies") and he got very upset and frustrated and that was the end of the lying phase. They both made a pact that they wouldn't lie to each other and then she really did take him to milkshakes.

I'm sure some people will think this is not good advice, but it worked for her and I was (an am) willing to try it myself if I need to.

Good luck! Try to remember its just a phase! This too shall pass! LOL

L

P.S I'm a stay at home mom to 2 girls age 8 and 5

At that age, sometimes children will be naughty just for your attention if he feels he is not getting enough. It may be that his hurt feelings of you not being with him, is played out by him subconciously hurting you by doing something that he knows you disapprove of. He needs to have consequenses, but before that happens, try to have a long talk with him and see if you can find out the reason for the lying. If it is just because "he wants his way" then you may be looking at a strong willed child. I had one and he tasted a lot of hot sauce. (soap has bad chemicals) His was an issue with stubborness and I could never break that. He also could never admit to being wrong, so lyed to not admit faults. I feel for you. Be consistant! I know it is hard for you, but really try to get some good one on one time with him and let him know how it hurts you and others. See if that is his goal.

I'm not really sure how to help - but I remember when I was 5 or 6 and stole something from a girl I knew - then I lied and told my mom the girl gave it to me. She wasn't buying it, and made me return it to the girl and it was really embarassing. I also felt bad for disappointing my mom, and from then on I knew that lying and stealing wasn't OK (obviously it stuck with me a long time, being a loyal and honest business owner myself).
I think at 5 years old he will understand that lying disappoints mom and dad, and also hurts people's feelings. Learning from mistakes is a wonderful thing that he will undoubtedly go through :)
Good luck!