Love the Mom... Not the Child???

Forgive me for being blunt, but if you feel that comfortable around the moms, could you not try talking to them about how their children are behaving, and how it makes you feel? If they take it badly, and their kids really are that badly behaved, I probably wouldn't want to spend time with them anyhow. I do know it is touchy. Good luck with however you handle it.

I had the exact same situation with a very good friend of mine, and I had to finally eliminate activities that involved our children. If not I was constantly feeling as though I had to protect my son from the other child. I got together with other groups of moms who did discipline their kids and taught them manners and respect as well. It is difficult to distance yourself from people that you enjoy, but good parenting and positive examples to enforce what we teach them is essential.

D.,

I have some friends that are "adult only" friends- b/c of issues w/ their kiddos. I just only invite them to girls night out activities, lunches when kids are at MDO, etc....

I also have one friend who my husband has asked that we not do couple things anymore.... he has some issues with her :-)

Another approach that helped ME a lot was to have a six week book study in my home one evening a week. We chose "Shepherding a Child's Heart" which is discipline from a Christian POV. In discussing discipline techniques I was able to tell which ppl were more likely to have similar styles and expectations. It helped me define somethings I needed to also.

D.

My hubby and I kind of feel the same way about some of our friends and their kids. We thank God that they are not ours, but we do try and get together as much as we can with them and their kids. My hubby and the other Dad have know each other since my hubby was born and are still friends. We want our kids to have that same life long friendship with them also. Their kids are not horrible kids by any means, just disciplined differently than ours. On our turf, our rules go. And if I have to discuss those rules with my friends kids, then I do so like they are an adult. Same goes with warnings, first time is a warning, if we have to talk about it again, you lose the toy for example. Time outs as well. Now, on their turf, I just explain to my little one that we don't do that at home and we are not going to do that anywhere else. Mommy and Daddy don't allow it no matter where we are, so you need to be nice and find something else to play with, for example. We use, "nice" in front of everything...nice hands, nice feet, nice toys.

It is not worth loosing friends over because the good ones are few and far between.

Hope this helps!

Hi there!! I see what you are saying- I have had that experience before where I kind of got along with the mom but the child was not someone I wanted my kids to hang around with. Well, in a case like this where there seems to be no other way, then the truth might be in order- even necessary. If the friendship is that important to you, just express your feelings with them with gentleness and care. You can start by saying that there is something you need to talk to them about, then, be specific in your expression- ex. it bothers me when your child spits on my child, or whatever the case may be. And tell them how much you have been struggling with this issue and felt that bringing it to their attention might help resolve the matter....If the friendship is not that important to you, just say "sorry, it's not working out....our kids don't seem to be having a healthy play time and maybe when the kids are a little older, say in a year or so, that we can get back together again". I know that being assertive is not for everyone but there comes a time that you just have to be. Just choose the right words and give specific examples. If you don't say anything, where will that leave you? And oh, if you can't get yourself to speak to them face to face, use e-mail!!

Good luck to you!

Here's the thing. If they are really good friends you should be able to tell those children how disrespectful it is to spit, hit, talk hateful and not to listen to the adults. And when you child does something you do not approve of, tell your child in front of everyone so they can see that you are serious about what you believe in. You are the parent and your child needs to hear and see you speak up for what you believe in. Those mothers should know better. It does not matter how the parent was raised it matters how the parents want to raise their child. If they are your friends they should be happy to hear you speak your mind. Maybe they need that to help them get moving in the right direction with their own children. Good luck and I hope you stand and protect your beliefs in raising your children. Friends will come in and out of your life. The best ones will stay and the others will move on but your children will never leave your life.
Enjoy your day,
C.

I think there are times when it is okay to "get on to" someone else's child. Those times are: When they are in your home, and when they are harming or harrassing your children. Those are times when YOUR rules apply. I agree with the other mom that if your friend sees you getting on to her children, she will be more likely to start disciplining them. I know I would be utterly mortified if someone else had to get onto my child. You can even go over the "rules" of your house when they get there. That way if the other mom doesn't say anything, you definitely have that right.

It's a tough situation, but if you're good friends, then it will all work out!

-A.

Oh it's fine. We can't like EVERYBODY. My fiancee loves and dislikes some of my friends and the same with me and his friends. I don't know too many people my age with children but the ones i've met I only spend a little time with and their babies are all still very young and adorable. However, I do have an aunt that has the most obnoxious little kids. I love her death and they are my "cousins" but I can't stand them. They really need some discipline but she's WAY too much of a pushover.
In any event, don't beat yourself up about it. The way they raise their kids is their business and you don't want to offend them so its probably just best to do what you're doing and only do adult activities with them until their kids get older and hopefully more civilized. :)

I had this "problem" with a friend of mine, whom I loved very much. I was worried her son's "fits" would rub off on my kids. But I stepped back and put myself in her position and realized she wasn't doing anything wrong, she just had a difficult child. I decided that I woudl just address things with my kids and be careful about what I "allowed" in my house. I valued our friendship too much to stop seeing her, and we both always had our kids (single moms), so non kid things were almost impossible.

A few years later her son entered school and was diagnosed with severe ADHD and probably has some other issues too. I am so glad I kept that friendship, and she feels I'm one of the few people that understands her son.

You said something very important, you have a lot in common with your friends EXCEPT the most important thing, your children. Your story reminds me of a situation I once had. It was my neighbor. She was a good person, I loved talking with her, but her kids where a mess. I would try anything to avoid her coming over with them because they where reckless. It was stressing me out so I told an elderly friend from church my situation and she said, "If they are not going to discipline their kids, then YOU should for the sake of your kids." Putting this advice in action, next time they where over and did something bad I called it to their attention. I explained to them that their actions where bad, I had to be firm. My neighbor started putting her foot down too once she saw that their bad behavior was not going to be tolerated. She appreciated our friendship enough to do this. For a while I was known as the "mean lady", but that eventually stopped. Keep in mind that is easier for children to pick up bad traits than it is to pick up good ones. Just as you would compliment a child for doing a good thing, you as well need to let a child know when a bad action is taking place. The best time to do this, is not when a bad action is over with and they have forgotten about it, but when it is happening, that way it stays fresh in their minds.

Wow. I am going to go out on a limb here...I am the person who feels like one of my children is always "that kid". I've tried everything and he's just a difficult kid. I often worry that my friends will feel as you do. I am always very careful to follow other people's rules at their houses. Another thing I like to do is meet at public places in neutral ground.

One thing though-as someone else said, it's sometimes lonely when you're the person who always feels like your kid embarasses you or whatever (and I am firm but he doesn't care)...so anyway, Id say to talk to your friend because she may really need your companionship. I know I need my friends. Also, since you know your children and hers, maybe she's open to some suggestions. I know I am. I get the impression though that this person doesn't care about solving the problem.

R.

I'm in the same situation. My best girlfriend has 2 (& one on the way), and her kids run the household. The oldest treats her mom especially bad. They came up here for a week, and by the end of the week, my son had caught some of her habits. She is awful!! It is because of the way my friend has raised her. My friend is a total push-over, so she never really disciplines her kids. We missed their recent birthday party in Oct because of their behavior. I just made up a lie to my friend, and I hated doing that. I just despise being around those kids!! So snotty, bossy, rude, demeaning, demanding...to EVERYONE!! I hate the way she treats her mom & my son.

They live in Houston, so it's rare that we see them. I wish I had words of advice, but I'm in the same situation. I would just say avoid hanging out with her with her kids. Just do a girls' night.