Ok ladies, quick background ... my son is 4 has Ahdh (no meds), gets pleanty of attention and has many outlets. My question is about his apparent NEED to have someone watch him play video games. We often play together but he also is asked to play alone so house work can be done. There are tons of people in the house but it does not mean we want to watch him play or play with him ALL the time (sometimes you just need a break). So, these moments can turn into tantrums ... aside from the obvious "take it away" what would you do if this were the case in your home? I am looking for some outside of the box answers I guess because that is what normally works for us. I use the games as a way for him to self entertain and learn (diego/cookie counting carnival) and sometimes mindless entertainment ... the kicker is he is REALLY GOOD at many games and will gather an audience when we go to Game Stop and plays the demo games. So, ideas to stop the NEED for an audiance when playing video games would be great!
Grandma T ... we have two dogs and about to get a 3rd ... that may not be it but good thinkin!
About the tantrums these are always ignored ... but I would like something that can be done before it gets to that place if you know what I mean ... we have been tryinng where we start and leave a few later but man he is good and KNOWS when you leave ... much appreciated suggestions tried and true with typical kids I know, but I also know that somewhere lies the answer so please keep them comming I have gotten lots of outside the box suggestions from other people's Q & A's that have worked ... fingers crossed!
Ignore his tantrums, and do what you need to do. He will get bored of tantruming, and go back to his video game. It sounds like you watch him enough.
Maybe you need to get him a dog. The dog would sit with him and watch him play... and that might be enough. (companion pets are pretty important for kids with emotional problems, I've seen it work wonders)
Otherwise be frank with him... "Honey, if you want to play your game play it, but right now I have to do the dishes, do you want to watch me do the dishes? How boring is that? So, while I am doing the boring dishes you can play your game and I will be in as soon as I finish my chores. Otherwise your only other option is to help me right now, you decide".
If he wants you to watch him while he plays, he probably just wants some kind of interaction. I'd say have him turn the game off and make him help you with the house work.
When I'm doing dishes I have my daughter find me the best spot for something. I don't want her dropping slippery dishes but she's a pro at finding spots to put things in the dishwasher.
When I do laundry I have her unload the wet stuff and put it in the dryer. Sometimes she drops things on the floor during the transfer but no biggie. The dryer will suck off any cat fur or lint the wet clothes pick up.
When I'm making dinner, I have her help me open cans or pour things in pots. Sprinkle cheese, or shuck corn. If groceries need to be put away, she's a pro at stacking up the cans in the pantry. Sure, sometimes the soup ends stacked up right next to the cat food but who cares. She's helping and feeling a sense of accomplishment completing a task with mom.
Vacuuming. I won't pick up the floor before hand. I'll just start the thing and holler to her that the vacuum is on and stuff is going to get sucked up! Oh Help me help me! Who can save all these toys from the maw of the vacuum? And she'll run her tush off to pick stuff up and pile it on the couch or actually put it away. I admit, I've sucked up a marble or a stray light bright but the sound of the clacking object getting sucked up will cement the idea in her head that if she doesn't keep stuff up off the floor, the vacuum cleaner WILL eat it. The floors in this house are mostly picked up. If a room is looking a bit sloppy, I just have to go wheel the vacuum into it and she'll rush to action.
Whatever chore you can think of, a four year old can help with. Cleaning windows. You spray it with glass cleaner and hand him a paper towel. Go nuts kid! I do the toilets without help because I don't want her touching that but if I'm cleaning the sinks and counters I usually give her a job to do, like holding my "tools" and I ask her to hand me things while I work. Like an assistant to a surgeon, but instead of scalpels and retractors being passed to me, it's paper towels and spray cleaners.
Anyhow, this is getting long winded... include him in your tasks if you don't have the time to sit down and play games with him. It's all about the interaction, not so much what you're actually doing. Besides, teaching him young how to help with the housework will have his future wife kissing your feet.
this was in my inbox this week, totally was meant for you to read...
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5-Year-Old Won’t Leave Mom Alone
John K. Rosemond
Question: My 5-year-old daughter relies on me far too much. All through the day, she asks me to do simple things for her like get her a glass of water or help her put on her shoes—things she is able to do for herself. If I don’t cooperate, she begins to whine, then cry. It’s driving me crazy. Another thing she wants is for me to watch her play. She just can’t seem to be alone or entertain herself. At bed, for example, she wants me to lie down with her until she falls asleep. It never ends. A counselor informally suggested that she’s desperate for my attention because the new baby is taking up a lot of my time, but this was going on before he was born. Can you help me get a life for myself again?
Answer: What the counselor told you is hogwash. As you said, this problem was going on before the new baby came on the scene. Even if that was the problem, the solution is not to give your daughter more attention, wearing yourself to the nub in the process; the solution is to insist that she accept that she is not and will never be deserving of being the center of anyone’s attention.
Contrary to the prevailing myth, children who act “starved” for attention have received too much, not too little. They’ve come to depend on being the center of attention, and the more the Look-at-Me Beast is fed, the bigger it gets and the more demanding it becomes. Children who don’t get enough attention usually withdraw into their own little windowless worlds.
Like most mothers, you obviously feel that if you make a decision that upsets your child, it must have been a bad one. The fact is children don’t know what they truly need. They only know what they want, and they believe that what they want they deserve to have, and no one has a right to deny them. That belief defines a child, in fact; therefore, lots of the children in question are much older than twenty-one. It takes some people a long time to grow up.
You can help your daughter begin growing up by making a list of everything she wants you to do for her, including watch her play, fetch her water, put on her golden slippers (as you kneel in front of her), lie down with her, and so on. Take your time. Just put a sheet of paper on the kitchen counter and whenever she asks you to do something (unnecessary) for her, write it down. After a week, you should have a list of at least thirty items.
Post the list on the refrigerator. Bring her to the list and read it to her. Tell her that you spoke to a doctor who told you that she’s much too old to be asking her mother to do these things for her. The doctor said that every week, she has to cross off two items on the list. Her choice. You no longer do the items she crosses off. The doctor said so. Call it the “I’m-Growing-Up List.” Tell her, “This is how children grow up. They begin doing things for themselves!”
If, after she crosses off an item, she asks you to do it for her, just take her to the list and say, “I can’t do that for you anymore. You crossed it off because you’re growing up!” After a few weeks, you’ll probably notice that she begins doing even things she hasn’t yet crossed off. You’ll also notice that she’s proud of her new accomplishments.
What fun growing up can be! How liberating for both parent and child!
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Copyright 2010, John K. Rosemond
If you are near the room he's playing games in, try telling him that today you are going to listen to him play- instead of watching. Or pick certain points in the game, like getting to the next level, when he can pause the game and you can come check his progress.
My son has Aspergers/ADHD and he has gone through stages where he feels like he needs an audience. Not usually for video games, but for other things like playing with legos and other toys. Sometimes it's like he wants to be in "teacher mode" and wants to tell me every detail about how he built something, how many batteries it takes, etc. Or he would keep asking the same questions over and over, needing feedback from the audience. "Is this the best machine you've ever seen? Is it your favorite?".
Now that he is older(age 9), he knows to ask "After you finish the dishes can you come see what I built?" and once I've looked at it he's OK with me leaving. Or we'll let him bring one project to the table as a "centerpiece" and tell us about it during dinner. Or he can ask us to come to his "show" with lights and sounds if he has done his homework. Or he can set up a puppet show and we'll videotape it.
Well... I can share what we do with our ADHD (no meds) kiddo.
1) Yep. We intentionally 'hooked' him on video games (starfall at age 3, now at age 8 it's xbox, particularly Halo Forge & roblox... in either case he can choose to play or build his own levels). PEACE, glorious, peace.(see #3, however)
2) Household rule (don't quit reading here), you throw a fit (or don't pop off with a good attitude), you lose it for the rest of that day and all of the next. (continued fits or sneaking = bumped up to 1 week, then 2, then a month.)
3) He's a RAGING extrovert. Only now at age EIGHT, can I get 30 minutes to an hour *occasionally*. OTW it's "Wanna see something funny???" or any variation of "Look at me/ watch me". I still sometimes get jumpy when he hasn't popped up under my elbow in 10 minutes... and then I think "How strange that some people had TODDLERS that would play independently for 30 plus minutes!! (I really can't wrap my mind around it).
Pshaw... the REST of the time? It's active & engaged. This boy is NOT lacking for interaction... he's just a raging extrovert. He'd the happiest kid in the world when *surrounded* by people, and it's been a LONG journey to try and teach independent play / independent work.
Some of that journey has just been me (for my own sanity) making sure he's surrounded by OTHER people (gymnastics, drama, outside classes and sports)... and some of it is actively working on extending that 'period of time' before he needs to 'check in' with me / have me (or someone else) at his elbow.
4) How we're *mostly* working on that is
a- finished product... I have him show me his work/ treasures/ etc at various points throughout the 'building' or 'playing' process instead of constantly
b- I have him remember "save points" or "times" (like on DVD's). He writes down the different "points" he wants to show me, and shows me at the end. So instead of needing to pop up every 5 minutes to watch him/ look at something cool/ look at something funny for 2 minutes... after 30-60 minutes I can watch the entire 'list' of things.
c- patience & consistency. His patience, and my consistency. "Later" always, always, always happens... and for the first few years, I'd point that out to him (See? I told you when I was done doing the dishes, and now I'm done, and I'm here.) So he learned to build up trust that I WOULD be there, but he just needed to be patient.
d- lots of positive reinforcing : "I LOVE that you want to share with me, and I'd be thrilled to see it in ____________minutes / after I'm done with this chapter/ when I come inside.
e- being banished for bad behavior.
It's been a LONG road, and I'm sure it's neither the only way, nor the fastest way... but it's what I've done.
He probably loves the praise he gets b/c he is good at these games and asks you to watch so he can get some. Tell him you will watch for 2 minutes. Then give him great attention in those 2 minutes and then walk away. Be firm that you are not watching anymore. Soon he will get the picutre. But its important to be very matter of fact and not let it get into a back and forth or a battle.
Tantrums caused by video games means the game system gets put away for the rest of the day. I realize he may take longer than the typical four year old to "get" this new rule but after several days he should get the message. If You cannot handle several days of not having the system to entertain him, then there is a bigger problem. has he discovered Legos or other building type toy? Most kids get obsessed with one toy or another for a year or so...maybe it's time for him to find a new obsession. Hope you get great advise here!
My first thought is that he is probably extremely extroverted. People like that really crave/need the company of others...Me, being the exact opposite - crave alone time. If this is the case, this is just his personality - he'd probably be happier if the two of you could find an activity to do together (even housecleaning). My eldest brother is extremely extroverted and my mother found it to be a little taxing at times.
does he like stuffed animals? you can place stuffed animals all around him. Or how about telling him 'i will sit with you for 5 minutes then i will go clean for 10 minutes & i will be back for another 5 minutes', then you can work up the time to 20 minutes, 30 minutes, etc.
