Living in a bind....shared Housing

A couple of things come to mind.

First, congrats on finding a job. I think the timeline of 10 weeks is about right. I think you were a little over confident with 6 weeks. A background check alone can take 2 weeks. So, realistically it wasn't an overdrawn process that you had to endure. That is a bit dramatic.

Second, I am always amazed with people move without jobs. I just couldn't do that. Or any money in case of emergencies. You put yourself and your kids in a not very good situation. What about child support for the kids? Don't you receive that?? If not, why not? If so, you should use that to secure a place to live.

In three months, you have given $600 for food? That is $200 a month. Not near enough to cover food for three more people. Your friend could be stressed with the additional cost of three people.

Personally, I would sit down and have a frank discussion with your friend. I think you both are stressed under these conditions and I'm not sure you and the kids should stay. But I do think you both need to talk. Others have mentioned some great programs and if I were you I would work on that immediately.

For some reason your 15 year old thinks he has a say in this. He doesn't. He is angry because of the whole situation. In a nutshell its chaotic. Kids don't like chaos. Its your job as the parent to get him in a stable environment. Guess what? Your 15 year old is not going to like you again until about the age of 25. Again, you are the parent and sometimes that comes with decisions that aren't popular. That goes with the Mom territory.

In the end, only you can decide if you and the kids can tolerate this for a couple of months. Tell your friend you will be moving out as of Feb. 1. Find an apartment complex that works for you and the kids. Figure out what the deposits will be. You need to PLAN this out.

I don't know why one of the posters didn't really read your post - you HAVE been trying to help. Running errands for her, giving her a break from the toddler she's screaming at, cleaning, etc. I'd be at the end of my tether too, if I were staying with her.

No, none of this is ideal. You wouldn't have gone there if you hadn't been desperate. It's possibly safer than a shelter. But that child will get screamed at regardless of whether you leave or not. Social services won't do anything about her screaming at her child.

Your teen is not in charge of you. When you leave, he can't stay. She doesn't have to put up with a surly teen. You will have to put up with your own kids. Perhaps the shelter will have a counselor who will talk to him.

I hope that things work out for you. Whatever you do, don't miss work. Losing your job would make everything worse.

I understand how helpless you must feel without financial resources to do what you need to do. My stepdaughter has been in a shelter for domestic violence survivors - she went into a double room in late September, leaving her 12 year old with her mother. She's now in a "family room" with a bed for her and a set of bunk beds, so her daughter goes out on weekends. She has applied for subsidized housing and has a good chance at a 2 bedroom duplex for next month. Her situation is different because she wasn't working at all, and she just found some seasonal work (at FedEx) and also some minimum wage work at a dollar store. Because she was a DV survivor and homeless, she qualified for emergency housing and got moved up on some lists.

You are working, and you need to save money for the downpayment, so you probably won't be there as long as she has been. She hates parts of it, of course, but her daughter has also found that the other shelter residents are a like "dozens of aunties" (her words) who give her a lot of attention and give my stepdaughter a bit of a break.

Your situation is not safe, really. You are living with someone who is angry, resentful and volatile. Your 9 year old isn't safe in this home, and that's before we even look at the negative atmosphere with all the swearing and screaming. If she punches one, she can punch others. You can't save enough money if you are helping her with expenses anyway, so it's prolonging your stay there.

Your teen doesn't get to decide. I know he thinks he can, but he cannot. You have to say that this is what we are doing, and we are going to bite the bullet for a bit to work together as a family to get our own place sooner. Sometimes (often) life involves sacrifices, and this is one of those times.

You don't say what your reasons for moving are - and you don't have to - but your kids have already been through some changes, and they can manage some more if they must. It's not ideal of course, but your goal is to get them their own place. I know you thought this friend would offer a better setting, and also that it would be for a lot less time. That didn't work out. She gave you a safety net and you can express your gratitude for that, and you can extricate yourself from her home without condemning her parenting any further. Make it more about how you've burdened her long enough, and you all need to get on your feet faster by saving more money. Be gracious, and be grateful.

The worst thing you can do is let your teen think he's calling the shots. But if you can involve him helping to learn the skills he will need to go out into the world at 18 (budgeting, cooking, doing laundry, making ends meet, making beds....), you can make it more about the positives and his maturing enough to merit more and more freedom. Based on his reaction, he's not there yet. I'm not saying to give him a job of "being the man of the house" at all - he's a teen, not an adult, so he should not have total adult responsibilities. But he can perhaps get a part time job (not sure what the age requirements are where you live) and he can help work to get you all into a situation that will be better for HIM too.

It's not about him being angry with you. That's kind of routine for teens, and you can't go through life trying not to annoy kids! You are showing them strength and determination, resilience and self-sufficiency. This is your gift to them. You have always done things they didn't like, from the day they were born: you changed diapers when they wailed about it, you made them take baths and use car seats, you make them brush teeth and wear seatbelts and eat balanced meals and get enough sleep. They hate all of that until they realize their lives will be much better if they just comply!

Maybe teen would like a part time job?

Some comments have been hard on you. You are doing the best you can and that's all you can do. Not ideal, and you need a new living situation, but they can thank you later for helping them get content for best selling memoir. :)
Get out, wereever you can get. After q month or too, contact your friend and explain your concern for her and her children. The counselor at her children's school can probably suggest a place for subsidized family counseling. I have a Masters in Education and 15 years teaching experience and was happy to get some family counseling. Parenting is hard - and i have a reliable husband and we each have steady paychecks.

You've gotten good advice so fat, and your friend has been very gracious to let you stay for so long.
Good luck!

you ARE in a pickle, aren't you?
i understand why your children are angry, and in their place i probably would be too. not that you've done anything awful. in most ways it sounds as if you've handled everything well, other than the first and worst one to move your kids in with someone you didn't know at all, apparently.
but what's done is done, and you've tried to make the best of a bad situation.
i would at this point bite the bullet and go to the shelter. you can't save as much money contributing to your friend's household, and it's clearly not a healthy environment.
it will take some work to make this right with your kids, but it's still the best thing to do.
good luck, and i hope it works out for you.
khairete
S.

welcome to mamapedia!

Since when does your 15 year old call the shots? Tell him he doesn't have a choice.

The stress of adding three people to a household is a LOT. Did you not establish boundaries and responsibilities PRIOR to moving in?

Where are your children's daddy? Why isn't he paying child support?

If your "friend" leaves marks on her children (and her marks don't always have to be bruises - words hurt just as deeply)? Take pictures and report her to CPS. Take videos while she is in a rage and show that as proof of what's going on.

I would call Red Cross, Good Will and/or Salvation Army to see if they can offer you financial help to get you into an apartment.

I would call my local welfare office and ask about emergency housing and if there is a wait list and if so, how long? Can they help with getting you into low-rent housing based on sliding scale?

Can your work give you a "loan" on your 401K to get out of the mess? Do you even have a 401K to borrow from?

Good luck!

You've gotten a lot of good answers so far......

Call your local township or social services center, speak to the social worker at school, contact a social services agency ( Catholic Charities, United Way, etc.).

There used to be emergency funding (like a one time down payment) for a woman with children in financial emergencies.

Actually, I think it was through the Department of Children and Family Services. They don't just remove children from homes...there are parts of the program aimed at keeping families intact.

But I know this program was out there and used especially in the colder months.

I hope this program is still out there (funded) and that you are able to connect with an agency that can help you.

Good luck!

I personally wouldn't have my kids around violence, so I would do whatever it took to find a new place. The shelter, or the options mentioned below.

Sounds like your friend has some major issues. I'd look into contacting her family and telling them she and the kids need help. I would feel responsible for adding to the stress so I would remove my family.

I think a family moving in with another creates a lot of tension. I think you need to explain to your son that the situation is not a positive one, and while a shelter (or alternate) is not ideal, it's better than being part of a problem. I'm not blaming you for your friend's actions - but that's a way you can explain it to your son.

If she's punching and abusing her children - you need to contact someone, if her family won't get involved. I would look after my family first then deal with that.

Good luck - lot on your plate, glad you found work.

Seems like there are many things you can do.

Depending on your future income situation you can apply for low income housing. The shelter can help you with that and often people who are trying to get out of a shelter will get priority housing. Not always because there is a high demand for it but sometimes a particular town or city will allow some agencies to have priority.

Low income housing has several programs.

Some are those that require you to live in their housing, they will have housing developments like Kerr Village in OKC. These aren't ideal in my opinion because anyone who lives there is automatically labeled poor.

A couple of programs fund you finding your own housing and a future landlord that would make the property such that it would pass the Housing inspections and that the landlord would accept partial payment from that program and partial payment from you. If they make a complaint against you for not paying your rent or damaging the property or anything like that then you can lose your low income housing status. The good thing about these programs is that no one but you and your landlord know that you receive assistance on your rent. House utility bills are often double or more than an apartment is for utility bills. That's one thing to keep in mind when deciding about which program you want to go with.

There are also programs through Housing where you buy a residence and they pay a portion of your payment. It's not a big program with a lot of funds but it does exist. A friend of mine has this option in Stillwater.

You could contact Habitat for Humanity in your area and go through the initial intake interview to see if you would qualify for their program. You have to volunteer hundreds of hours for your down payment on your home though. Friends and family can help out so you only have to volunteer a couple hundred or so but they are a wonderful program.

If you could fill out for financial aid and get in college you might be able to get funds that would pay for school AND perhaps pay rent on family housing on campus. I lived in married student housing and also had low income housing assistance. I paid $30-$80 per month for housing, all bills paid.

Living in a shelter isn't awful. It's not ideal for sure but it can be very secure and the staff can be very helpful. Your older child is likely to be embarrassed overall about it and that's why they don't want to go there. I'd just tell them to go and to give it a few days. Be sure to keep them in the loop as to how things are going.

Make sure what the shelter rules are, about their daily schedule, what they expect from you, how they expect your children to act when they aren't in school, etc...so that you will know what staying there might be like.

You have a future ahead of you that can be bright and better. Please just take a breath and give it some time.

If you're not having a special Christmas with your friend the shelter might be a better place overall for the Holidays. If your kids like the school they're in right now then don't give your new situation. Just take the kids and leave them there. They don't need the change. They need stability and making the effort to get them to their school is a small thing.

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You sound like you're really trying to help your children and yourself, and you sound like you have a good grasp on what makes a safe home. Sure, we could all say that perhaps you moved too soon, or had too few resources lined up, but in the end, I'd prefer a mother like you who doesn't resort to violence to a mother with plenty of real estate and spending money who is cruel to her children. Your situation can be remedied. You have the love and sense to know that love and stability are what a child needs. So you've got that going for you. Your friend, on the other hand, does not.

So, perhaps you need to get your teen on board - as he's the oldest kid and can be your support team. Please help him understand that his little brother needs a safe place to sleep at night, and for the time being it might be in a shelter for a short time. Help him understand that a shelter is a temporary thing with helpful people. Help him see that this is what you and he need to do for your younger son. You both will probably need jobs, and that's ok. Talk to your teen like the young man he is. He'll have to grow up pretty quickly, but he will be a better big brother by sticking around and pitching in, instead of deserting everybody. His actions now will affect his little brother for a long time, and he can be a hero to his little brother.

And when you are safely at a shelter, help them understand the situation you came from, and get help reporting your friend for the sake of the children.

You are dealing with a very tough situation and you are doing the best you can. I just want to say that I don't think being concerned that your teenager says he doesn't want to go is "letting him call the shots." In the end you will make the best decision for your family. but he is part of it and his feelings matter--you moved to a different state just 3 months ago and now you are saying things have to change again, and that's very hard to handle especially in the chaos of teenagerhood. You are a good parent by acknowledging those feelings even if you cannot ultimately do what he prefers. (And you may not be able to avoid him being angry at you. It won't be the last time.)

If she is punching her children you need to report her to CPS and protect those kids. As for the shelter, you have to do what you feel is best for your kids even if they don't like it.

I agree with others that as hard as it may be considering she is your friend, I would report her to CPS. Yes, it may end the friendship, but it seems that your friendship is already in that stage considering you have confronted her about her poor behavior, she is upset, and is telling you to leave. The kids are in danger if they are being punched, yelled at, and belittled. These scars can last a lifetime and someone needs to speak up for them and get them out of that situation. Some counseling would definitely benefit this woman, and some parenting tips/classes. Punching kids is NOT normal parenting procedure...

Are there any other friends you can stay with in the meantime, as you transition out of her home and into a place of your own? It may be a better alternative than staying in a shelter. Or perhaps you can stay at an extended stay motel or campgrounds? A co-worker of mine was homeless for some time and she rented a cabin in a KOA campground for a period of time, and for the rest of the time, she stayed at an extended stay motel. If your son doesn't like the shelter and you find the conditions to be less than ideal, that may be an option.

Of course, he has no say ultimately as to whether or not he goes to wherever you end up, considering he is a minor, he is stuck going wherever you tell him to, but you may have a lot more privacy in a motel than staying in a shelter. If he doesn't like any of these options, as others mentioned, he can step up, get a part time job, and help pay for rent so that you can stay in a nicer place. You may be able to get away with renting a studio for now and putting an extra bed for your older son, while you sleep in a queen bed with your youngest, or put him in a sofa bed. This would be temporary until you save enough to get a larger place.

You're extremely brave. I would not be able to move to another state without having at least 6 months of savings in my bank account, and a job lined up or in the process of being lined up. I'd be extremely stressed and jumpy if I felt the weight of supporting two kids and myself and barely able to make ends meet, and no savings in the bank and the prospect of not being able to pay rent. Hang in there.