Letting Kids Stay at One Grandparent's House but Not the Other

Are you worried that the kids will be mauled by the dogs? Or just knocked off balance?
Is the house just cluttered with numerous knick-knacks and in need of dusting, or is there rotting garbage on the floor?
If it's just a case of over-enthusiastic animals and under-enthusiastic vaccuuming, I would say lighten up and let the kids stay over. A little dirt and dog slobber never killed anyone.
I have a house full of animals and even after I sweep, ten minutes later there is enough hair on the floor to knit a sweater, and I babysit a friend's disabled kids in my home.

The only people that can change this are YOUR PARENTS. You are NOT hurting them - they are HURTING themselves. They can be as nice and loving and wonderful as possible, BUT if their dogs are not trustworthy, and their home is "chaotic" (not sure what that means, but it clearly bothers both you and your husband), the cannot have the children without you. You can trust them all day long, but if the situation is not safe, then it's not safe.

If THEY want to have the kids over, then THEY need to make changes for the safety of the kids.

An option could be for them to take the kids on a mini-vacation where they do an overnight somewhere that isn't their home. If you trust them to care for your kiddos outside their home/away from their dogs/chaos, then maybe they'll get the message.

Be direct with your parents about why you feel uncomfortable with your children staying at their house. They are hurt because they think you are choosing your inlaws over them. Clearly that's not the case. Working on clearing up the issues in their house doesn't mean anything if they aren't seriously taking steps to get things under control. In the end you need to do what's best for your family and if that means sending the kids to your in law's house instead of your parents then that's what you need to do.

My grandchildren stay at my house all the time but aren't allowed to step foot in their other grandma's house. Between her animals and lack of cleaning it's unhealthy for them to even breath the air in her house. She's not happy about it but it is what it is.

I think you need to address the issue with your parents and perhaps come to a compromise. My DD cannot stay with my ILs, as they have health concerns. My mom only lives a few hours away, but her house doesn't have a good space for DD to stay and sleep. So the compromise is that occasionally my mom will come and stay here and she recently stayed for a whole weekend and got some quality time with DD while we went away. My mom may not be entirely happy not to have DD there, but she understands that her house just isn't ready for DD at this point. Sometimes you have to be honest, even if you are gentle in that honesty.

However, I wouldn't have the inlaws take the kids over. If you take your own kids over, that is one thing. But having the other grands be the gatekeepers will fuel resentment.

You are your childrens best advocate. Your mommy heart and Brain are guiding you. Listen to it.

I hate not being fair to the different Grandparents, but we must do what is best for our children.. They are adults, they can handle the truth..

Using words like, I am concerned, It worries me, I have noticed..

I told my mom, I NEVER wanted our daughter left alone with her husband. I used the words, I have concerns that M will not be comfortable alone with S.. So I do not want her to be left alone with him.

I told my father, our daughter would never be able to stay in their home, because he smokes. Since our last visit, I have realized M can not tolerate smoking. She became ill and ended up with pneumonia. You all are welcome to come and visit any time.. I did not mention my stepmoms perfume gave me a 3 day migraine also..

My father by the way divorced that stepmom and quit smoking!!! So if our daughter were young, I would have no problem with our daughter staying there.

no, i wouldn't have your in-laws take the kids to your parents. that would rubbing salt in the wound.
but i think your concerns are valid. i too would not want unmannerly dogs jumping on my small children.
i'd just be kind but upfront about it. 'mom and dad, we know you love the kids and we'd all love for them to stay with you. but the animals are just too rowdy for them, and we cannot have them developing fears or getting hurt. we don't expect you to change your lifestyle for us. but please know, that if things change (the dogs get trained, the litter boxes are cleaned daily, the hair gets vacuumed regularly or whatever the issues are) we will certainly revisit this. but for now, how about we arrange a vacation later this summer where they can spend several afternoons or evenings with you at (the beach, park, amusement park, discovery museum etc)?'
be firm in keeping your kids safe, but make sure your parents know you are open to other ways for them to get to hang with the kids.
khairete
S.

What exactly do you mean by chaotic? Is it dirty, cluttered or filthy?
If it's dirty or cluttered, tell them it has to be cleaned up before they can come over. Then the ball is in their court to get their house in order. If they don't, then they have to accept responsibility for that.
We have had to do the same thing with my inlaws. Their house is very cluttered. They want my kids to come spend the night, but the guest room is wall-to-wall junk. We told them if they clean up the guest room, they could come spend the night. That was 3 years ago. The kids are still waiting....

Keep to your plan to have them visit you or you visit with the kids (as everyone else has said, do not have the other grandparents take the kids over--- don't put them in the middle) , and be prepared to let your folks get lots of one-on-one time with the kids when you are together.

Let me ask you a question: was there this menagerie present when you were a kid?

I'd really keep it about 'the dogs are just too much for the kids' and not apologize too much. Be prepared for them to be a bit upset-- the dogs are likely their 'babies' now that you (and your siblings, maybe) are adults. We had to draw a line with one sibling of mine, who has a very threatening-looking rescue dog. She didn't like our decision not to visit at her house(she won't keep the dog separate when we visit), but understood our choice. I might have come off as paranoid, but when your dog looks like it could eat my kid whole, I have to think of my child first.

Why do your parents have to know that the kids are staying with the inlaws? It's not their business...

I would continue to stay with your kids there until they are older. Nervous animals translate into bites. You can actually gauge whether or not the chaos is getting better, too...

If you are uncomfortable with them at your parents' house, then trust your gut. I would explain to them that you are worried about the pets and tell them about your husband's experience with the dog bite. Blame it on him. lol. Invite your parent's for an extended stay at your house and give them the royal treatment as they play with your kids.

Are the dog indoor dogs? Can you make an agreement with your parents that the dogs will be outside while the children visit?

I definitely understand your concern as far as the dogs go. If they are a bit aggressive and not used to children, that combination could be serious.

But as far as "clutter" in the house, your kids will survive. I definitely don't think that's a sufficient reason for denying grandparents the most joy they will ever get from life - time with their grandchildren WITHOUT the pesky parents around.

I'm a grandmother to eight and I love having the grandkids - not so much the kids, though. Good thing we all agree that it works out better for everyone for the grandkids to visit without their pesky parents in tow!

If you can't come to an agreement about the dogs, can you invite your parents to spend an extended period of time at your house while you and hubby go somewhere for a day or two? Again, it is different when the parents are not around. Don't deprive your parents (or your kids) of that.

Updated

Are the dog indoor dogs? Can you make an agreement with your parents that the dogs will be outside while the children visit?

I definitely understand your concern as far as the dogs go. If they are a bit aggressive and not used to children, that combination could be serious.

But as far as "clutter" in the house, your kids will survive. I definitely don't think that's a sufficient reason for denying grandparents the most joy they will ever get from life - time with their grandchildren WITHOUT the pesky parents around.

I'm a grandmother to eight and I love having the grandkids - not so much the kids, though. Good thing we all agree that it works out better for everyone for the grandkids to visit without their pesky parents in tow!

If you can't come to an agreement about the dogs, can you invite your parents to spend an extended period of time at your house while you and hubby go somewhere for a day or two? Again, it is different when the parents are not around. Don't deprive your parents (or your kids) of that.

What is your standard for babysitting? Mine is a pretty low bar - if the kids are returned alive and unmolested, I'm a happy camper.

Your parents obviously reared you alive through to adulthood - so already they have more experience than you do.

I get your point - the children may get bumps and bruises on the clutter, or get knocked down and licked to death by a dog. It happens. They'll survive - just like you did.

I agree with your parents. Why should it matter if their home is chaotic? A scheduled lifestyle does not make a better place for kids. A fun loving home where the kids are adored and loved is what is important.

I would be very very very hurt and unhappy with you if you didn't let the kids go stay with them for at least a weekend. It's not like they don't have any experience with kids, they did raise you after all.

If you still have issues with their home go for a long weekend and stay in a hotel. Let the kids go over to your parents house for the whole day. You and hubby go and shop, eat out, see an adult movie the kids aren't old enough to see, walk in the park and hold hands, do something together. Let the kids visit your parents.

Make it clear to your parents that your concerns are with the animals, not with them. Why don't you invite your parents to stay with the kids at your house for a few days so you and your husband can go on vacation? Then they will get the special time with their grandkids, they'll see that you trust them enough to leave the kids in their care, and you'll get some time off.

Maybe you could trade houses for the week and go clean/organize your parents house the way you want to. : )

You don't say how old your kids are so I am confused. You were raised by your parents in that environment. Did you have any problems? I'm asking this because it sounds like your husband is the one who really has the problem with your parents and you are trying to justify it.

Have your discussed the environment with your parents? About the animals? What type of chaos are you really talking about? There is more to this.

If my daughter did this, I would be hurt as well.

I would probably go with letting your parents come stay with them at your house, while you and hubby go on a vacation.

It may hurt their feelings, but (not to sound callous) so what? You are concerned about the safety of your children in an environment that doesn't sound very well suited for young kids. Your parents created that environment, you didn't. So why should you have to allow your kids to stay there? Answer: You shouldn't.

It doesn't mean you are judging your parents and how they live. It simply means that you care about your kids and don't want them in that environment without you there to supervise.

I wouldn't let my kids swim in a pool unsupervised by me either (when they were smaller)... because people never watch as closely as the parent/mom. It doesn't mean they couldn't go swimming (I just had to be there) and it wasn't a judgment that pools are bad. It was just what I needed to make me comfortable with it. It is the same with your parents' home.

I felt the same about my MIL's home when my son was a toddler. She had a huge "junk room" full of all kinds of stuff a curious toddler could get hurt on. And she wasn't someone to watch with a close eye--she thought that a 2 year old was capable of judging what was safe to do or not. (!!) We visited often, but did not leave him there but once. (When I was pregnant and sick and could not function and he literally was safer staying there than with me.)
(Once when she was babysitting at our house, my MIL thought my child didn't need to take the medicine he had been prescribed-- at age 4-- because he said so, if that gives you any idea about her ideas on watching little kids.)

Your job is to protect your kids, not your parents' feelings. Let the kids stay with your in-laws, as you and husband both feel comfortable with that arrangement. Invite your parents to come stay with you, so they can visit with the kids without all the animals. If it comes up, tell your parents you wanted to spend time with them, too...who is going to complain about someone wanting the opportunity to hang out all together? Short, sweet and simple. (ie don't engage them in a conversation you don't want to have - they are who they are, and your feelings about your kids at their place are what they are)

Good luck!