Let's Gooooo! How to Move Things Along W/a Toddler....

Two and a half year olds don't understand explanations, and won't care about them anyway. Their brains are just not developed enough.

Have everything ready aside from him and in the car. Give him heads-up on transitioning to another activity. Use a timer that he can hear ticking, if that helps. Tell him "In 5 minutes when the bell rings, we are going to get shoes on and get in the car." He will get used to that and it will be easier.

You need a real bedtime schedule. The same every night. Don't draw it out. Go into his bathroom - brush, pee-pee. Go into bedroom, dress, get in bed. Read one or two stories. Hugs, night-night. It shouldn't take more than 20 minutes. Every single night.

If you were working, you'd get fired if you let him make you late every morning. Some working moms either take them to daycare in their pj's when they have meltdowns over clothes, or they put their daytime clothes on them the night before. Then they let them sleep in the clean clothes and take them to daycare that way. Hey - ya do what ya hafta do!!

So keep these things in mind. The timer is a good idea. Other than that, picking him up and strapping him in the carseat while he screams is a-okay with me! If you hold the reins and don't let him run roughshod over you, you won't have a teen that tells you where to go and how to get there.

Good luck,
Dawn

Since you know this is a problem right now, YOU will need to be the one to not wait last minute to do anything getting your son ready.

I used to make deals with our daughter. I will do one shoe if you will do the other. Lets see who can run to the car the fastest. (this is from our front door to the car parked right there in our own drive way, not at the grocery store parking lot). How many hops to get to the car? You can button your shirt when we get you in your car seat.

And then sometimes as the other moms said, you just have to say, "This time, I will have to do this".. If he throws a fit, put him in the car and let him scream. Take earplugs. Once you get to where you are going, then have him put on his own shoes.

Ask him for patience. "Please be patient with me, this time, I need to comb your hair, but I promise next time you can comb your hair."

Try to avoid the "we only have 10 minutes to get dressed".. Instead you go to him an hour before and say, "ok, we need to get you dressed right now.."
IF he is ready right away, so what? If not and it takes 45 minutes, you still have that 15 minute cushion.

My husband has ADHD and always will, they never grow out of it.. I am in NO way saying this is something your son has, but it is exactly how my 50 year old husband behaves..

Not with the tantrums, but if I tell him we have to be somewhere in 30 minutes.. all of a sudden he will begin some new project, try to finish what he is doing but realize he needs to fix the loose floorboard he just walked on, or oooo, , "Dr. Who" is on the tv and this is the one part he missed last time so he is going to get dressed while watching the show.. and I will walk in and he is sitting down watching it.

He cannot find his shoes.. the shoe lace is broken.. OMG!!!.. it is like my worst nightmare.. I am like you, I am prepared, I have planned, I have studied the situation in advance. I have my list on my ipad and on a note I printed out.

And so after all of these years I have learned to tell him, we are supposed to be there in 30 minutes.. when in reality it is an hour or more.

Most toddlers are like this. They want to do this themselves and are insulted that we do not allow them to do it their way and on their own.. They do not have a concept of time.. We are the ones that rule the time, so you can decide how long it usually takes him..

Also model the behavior of asking for help from him. "johnny, I need your help, please put my keys in my purse. Thank you! Wow, I am glad you helped me.

Please go to the kitchen and bring me my cell phone. Thank you! You are a good helper.

"Please carry these wash cloths to the bathroom, I will carry the folded bath towels." "Thank you, boy that helped me a lot, you are a good helper".

Hang in there. You will figure out what works best for your son.. Just figure out what he responds to.. With our daughter. noticing her good behaviors encourage good behaviors. Telling her we would take turns, worked for her, Sharing worked with her. She liked being acknowledged and encouraged.

When she had melt downs or stubbornness.. I acknowledged her feelings.
"I can tell you are frustrated that I would not let you walk while we grocery shopped today. Next time we go to target, you can walk holding the basket or my hand. "

"I can tell I hurt your feelings when I had to put your shoes on, but we were in a hurry and did not have extra time." When we get home, you can wear any shoes you want outside to play in. "

Only make deals you are willing to keep.. and if you tend to forget, tell your child, "Remind me when we get home, that I told you, you could wear your cowboy boots the rest of the day. "

"Remind me the next time we are Target, I told you you could walk holding the basket or holding my hand. " This puts it on your child to get and then take the responsibility of remembering.

Our daughter has an excellent memory.. so this worked for her.

He will see that even grown ups need help. That is is good to ask for help and to also thank people that help us.

Wow! You sound like you do have a lot of the usual bases covered.
You know your own temperament and have an awareness of it. (So many people don't, y'know!)

You are aware of what it 'should' look like.

My only proposals (from my own experience with this as a nanny) would be:

1. Start way, way, way early. Let go of expectations regarding order. If you have a chunk of time to brush his teeth when you first get up, even if it's before breakfast, just do it when you can. Have him put his shoes on/get dressed early on, even if it seems out of order. Leave only his coat until last, and then that shouldn't be a big deal. If he gets cold outside, he can let you put it on.
2. Bring him along 'unfinished' when you can. This means that if you have a playdate and he's not dressed, bring him in his pjs or whatever he's got on. When you get there, he can't play until he's dressed.
3. Keep distractions to a minimum for him. No tv, media... even take the child to space where there are no toys available, if need be. Sometimes, I would have my son get dressed in the kitchen in the morning while I was making breakfast; he couldn't play or have breakfast until he was done getting dressed.
4. Some things like tooth brushing: I would have one time of day when you do it, and one time of day when he does it. Toddlers do not usually do a thorough job of this.
5. To avoid the escalation of the situation: I sometimes need to take a time out myself. Go into the other room and let the child do their thing while I take several deep breaths. If you can't leave, try singing the stupidest song you know, one that makes you crack up. It's strange, I know, but it can sometimes neutralize a power struggle, because 'mama's doing something strange and interesting'. I try to remember that it's not the end of the world if they have to put their clothes on at preschool/daycare. I also remember that just because getting dressed/ out the door is important to *me*, the adult, it doesn't mean that it's important to the child. They often have their own agenda.

Lastly, it's typical that kids don't want to move along... they are always in the present and toddler's operate on a snail's pace. It's okay to make strange adjustments: when our son starts being difficult in the mornings about dressing, I put him to bed in what he'll wear the next day, as much as possible. And if you think it fits your son's temperament, check out "Your Spirited Child". I really can't tell if this book would help you, but if you have a spirited child, it will help.

Honestly, my first suggestion would be this: when you see that you are in a situation where you do not have time to allow him to work through whatever it is in the limited time you have available, then TELL him so.
"Bobby, I know that you want to do this on your own, but today we are in a rush and it needs to be done quickly, so Mommy is going to do this for you THIS time. YOU will get to do it ____ (this afternoon, tonight, in the morning, next time--whenever the next time will be). But THIS time, Mommy is going to do it.
And then do whatever it is.
The problem is if it is a recurring thing, like say, every day you are in a rush to get his seatbelt buckled and he wants to. You can't promise he can do it tomorrow morning, if tomorrow morning is going to be a no-go because of time constraints again. What you could do in THAT type of situation, is take turns. You do it in the morning as you leave home, HE gets to do it when you pick him up later to go home (since you would presumably have a more relaxed time table).

I find that sometimes I need to step in to hurry DD along. I need to put her shoes on FOR her, or even (when she was smaller) pick her up and carry her forward to get something done. I try to allot at least 30 minutes to an hour to get out the door, but that doesn't always happen. Even if DD is screaming at me, if I just need to put shoes on her, I just need to put shoes on. I've also carried her to the car without shoes or a jacket because once she's in the car it doesn't matter as much.

I try to remember she's just a kid and has so little control over her world, but some days I do not do so well keeping patience. Especially when it's deliberate

ETA: As she got older, I tried to lay out our day. "Okay, DD. First we need to eat breakfast. Then we put our shoes and jackets on and need to go to the post office. After that story time at the library where you get to see your friends." Along the way I remind her. "We just ate breakfast. What do we need to do next?" I have also pointed out to her (now that she's 3-almost-4) that the more time she fusses and dawdles getting OUT the door, the LESS time she has at the event/playground/with her friend. If she wastes time, she gets less. I have had to say, "I'm sorry, but you did not listen and do as you were asked. Since I had to spend time doing x for you, we will not be able to visit the play area in the mall today." She is not happy about it, but I think she's getting the idea.

(You made me laugh a little. My DH is ENTJ.)

With my daughter I would explain to her that we will be late and late is rude, incoveniences others etc. in terms she understood. Once she understood how bad it was to be late, I would explain to her that she could do it next time or this time with Mommy's help or else we would be late. That sped things up a lot, because, we really hate being late!

Good luck!

Well I haven't solved this problem in my own life but one thing I read that has helped a lot is to stop expecting my child to move fast. Toddlers do not do things fast. So if you can toss that expectation you may find yourself at more peace. I do remind my daughter not to dilly dally. And of course I succumb to things like telling her I'm leaving and if she doesn't get into the car she has to stay home! LOL, I hope you get some good advice, I need some help here to.

If you make sure to get dressed, and have a routine about it that part will go smoother. My son is 5 and is still very independent, these things started from a young age too. I found that when we woke up, got dressed (clothes picked out by us the night before), and did all of our daily hygiene needs BEFORE breakfast his but hurried along. As far as getting in the car and an overall hurriedness of things I was picky on when I would say "Okay, today is a hurry day - I am going to speed up and get things done. You have two choices cooporate and go along with mommy or fuss about it all day and have a sad day." EVERY TIME I needed him to hurry I said this or something simmilar, it appeared to help. I think finding the right morning schedule (not a schedule or a morning person) is what will help greatly and lots of verbal communication. I do not reccomend your child watches Cailou (sp), but there was an episode that I saw that gave me another perspecitve on when I rushed my son and why he may be acting that way. I tried to do an episode look up so I could give a link - can not find it - but basically he freaks out because there is too much chaos and he does not know what to do so he stops doing anything looking for more guidance and help.

I stopped allowing my son to watch Cailou once I realized how whiney he began to talk too. They were trying to give him a childlike voice but just made him constantly whiney and it rubs off on the kids.

Make sure his shoes are easy to put on! easy slip on will make your life easier, crocs are simple.
Make sure his clothes are easy to put on, elastic waist, no buttons, wide necks.
If there is something difficult for him, putting on socks or jacket, play a practice game when you have no time constraints. I taught my son to zip up a jacket in the heat of the summer, because I dont work in the summer and had the time and patience to teach him when we were not rushed.
When you are rushed;
Race him! who can finish first? Mommy putting on her clothes or you brushing your teeth? Be close by yelling "I'm putting on my slacks now" but make sure he wins if it will cause a meltdown.Then switch to who can win Mommy putting on shoes or you putting on shoes? Hand him his shoes and go look for yours.
Have a checklist he can check off when he accomplishes something.

Jim Fay's Love and Logic Magic :Parenting for Early Childhood: Birth to 6 years. (www.loveandlogic.com) I always recommend these books to everyone because they saved my sanity as a teacher and parent. It teaches you how to give a child choices to foster their independence and responsibility, but also within appropriate boundaries. For instance when getting ready for bed say, would you like to brush your teeth first or put on pajamas. Let him know if he doesn't make a decision within a minute or so, then you get to decide for him. Also set a timer for how long you would like it to take to get the bedtime routine accomplished. This may help encourage him along too. It is all about building trust and respect within your relationship. He will learn that you will let him make choices on his own whenever possible, but sometimes grown-ups have to make the decisions. When kids realize the control is shared it is not a power struggle for them. Good luck!
A.

I am just like you and my 4 year old daughter is just like your son. I believe as she has gotten older, she has actually gotten slower at the tasks :)
When I am in a pinch, I set a timer (the one on my iPhone has fun sounds when it goes off) and tell her we need to beat the timer. I try to make it fun and not stressful. Sometimes she lets me help and sometimes she doesn't. But she gets a kick out of beating the timer. Then I try to remember next time I am rushing her that she gave me what I needed last time, so I need to back off this time.
As for techniques for keeping your patience, I don't have any other than walking away and letting my husband take over (when he is around). She senses my stress and it makes her stressed out, so I have to.
Good luck!

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have to-go bags by the door the kid can pick one and go