Let Baby Cry

I have always believed that babies cry for a reason. I never let my daughter cry very long under the age of 1 and she isn't "spoiled", but self-confident. I would worry about SIDS if I let a baby cry too long!

Personally I feel that babies should not be left just to cry it out. My baby also likes to be held all the time. It is hard work but I think not letting him cry helps him to trust me and know his needs will be met without having to cry.

I am a firm believer that love is never wrong. From the sound of your message, you are torn between what your instinct/love for your child tells you to do and what "society" tells you to do. I have a daughter who just turned one year old, and I have struggled with this same issue. But the fact of the matter is, society's views change all the time.

My grandfather told me that when his kids were young, the "experts" told them that under no circumstances should babies see their reflections in the mirror for the entire first year of life. Now they tell us that it is good for development and we should encourage it. And yet, our parents all turned out fine.

My response? Do what feels right.

Doctors and experts, no matter how confident in their views, are sometimes wrong. I guarantee that some of their solid rules for childrearing today will seem archaic in fifty years. If you are driven by concern and caring, I think your daughter will grow up healthy and happy.

hi shannon, i would hold that baby. do what your heart says the friend isn't there at night or most of the time when she is crying. when did your friend become an expert? your baby has been with you for 9months close to you and holding is comfort for child or an adult. i have children and i held them when they cried sometimes constantly they were attached to my hip and all my children are well adjusted we have a very close mother daughters relationship that alot of mothers wished they had. i say hold your baby and love her because before you know it they are gone.I am 41 and i have 2 in college am glad i did what i did for my daughters.good luck.

I've also heard from almost every mom that I've ever known in my entire life to "LET THE BABY CRY"!! But as a 1st time mom....there's no way int he world I would leave my son alone in his room to "cry it out". He's now a year old and he still goes to sleep in my arms. Only this last week have i laid him down during the wee morning hours when he hasnt been completely asleep....but I stay in his room or in the hallway until I'm sure he's sleeping. But if he cries you bet I'll get him. Use your intuition. You know what's the best for your baby. But I do agree that it is ok for them to cry once in awhile....I guess!!

I think the best thing that you could do is to purchase a carrier that allows you to carry the child in front of you so that she is close to you all of the time. The first three months are very important for bonding. I am raising a grand daughter with RAD. Her mother just let her cry and didn't pick her up. Now she is having all kinds of problems with letting anyone hug her or love her.

with my 4 mo old i dont like to let him cry, it makes me feel horrible if i do, plus they are crying for a reason, so obviously they need you. if you dont comfort them when they cry they more then likely feel "unloved".

good for you for nursing and cosleeping. i too breastfeed and co sleep. he goes to bed in his crib, and when he wakes to feed he comes to bed with me and stays till the morning. its much easier then getting up all night, and its very bonding! he sleeps just like mom! i love when babies mock what they see!

Shannon,
We addressed this very situation in my Developmental Psych class just a few weeks ago. The consensus of experts is that it's perfectly fine, natural and healthy to let your child cry so long as you don't leave them long enough that they end up frantic and inconsolable.

I can remember everyone telling me that I should let my oldest fuss for a bit and that if I held her everytime she fussed I'd never be able to put her down. Being young and stupid I followed their advice. By the time my second entered this world, I was looking at them and saying "are you kidding! By the time she's two I'll have to sit on her just to get a little snuggle!"

Just remember, that when it comes to your child, no one else knows her like you do. Do what works for you guys.

I have 2 children and from my experience and from what i hear up until the child is like 8mos i would say go ahead and pick up the child and give her some love. But it is ok for them to cry for at least 5min depending on what it is. If its for feeding let them cry for a few mins. so they can learn to know when they are hungry or even be able to put them selves back to sleep if they just wake up to feed. You don't really have to jump up all the time if they cry but just check on them incase something is wrong. Plus its good for their lungs to cry. Just go with your insticts cause only the parent knows whats best for them and their children.

HI Shannon,
Well as long as your baby and you aren't having a problem then do what you want. Whatever your friend thinks about babies crying is her opinion which she is entitled to but it doesn't have to be yours. If your baby is crying just to cry then you might want to look at a cause. A little one at 5 months cannot be spoiled. She cries to let you know she needs something. A diaper, a feeding, a hug from her mommy. So don't worry about it. If your friend wants to give you some advice just say "well thats a good thought. I will have to think about it. Thank you for caring about me" Thats what I say to my friends who I know mean well but i don't have to agree or act on their advice. I don't have to insult them either. So if your happy kindly brush it off and do what makes you most comfortable with your child.
Good luck

Your instinct is already telling you otherwise. You, yourself are questioning the "why" of crying, and how it would be "good". Your profile says enough about you to indicate you'd have a differing opinion from your friend, who sounds like my mom, and my grandma....and my whole hispanic culture who thinks baby's should cry to "strengthen their lungs" huh?? whatever (that's what i say :)

I believe that crying is good...a GOOD communication tool that is. It's a way for the baby to let you know what's going on, and it always has a purpose.
I also believe that a "need" to be held is a need, just a like a need to be fed, burped or changed.
I believe that responding to my child's cries develops a relationship of trust between us.

I believe that crying, just to cry, or leaving my baby to cry, holds no benefit to either one of us. It causes my child to "waste" energy she could otherwise use to grow, mature her brain, etc, and it creates different brain pathways for stress, and it doesn't help me figure out my child. This said, i know sometimes she'll cry, but she won't be alone, she'll be with a caregiver, in someone's arms, being comforted, and that makes a HUGE difference in stress levels, and other things that derive from them.

Have you tried a sling? a moby, a mei tai? something that would allow you to have her on your back and get things done? I can tell you it was a life-saver for me, the parent of a high-needs infant, who has now turned into a confident independent -still nursing- toddler "despite her over attachment to me as an infant, and being worn all the time".

;) you know already what's right for you.

Sometimes don't YOU want to cry? Crying is very therapuetic. A child that never cries would worry me, and a parent that doesn't let their child cry on occasion might end up dealing with a child that is depressed and scared to show emotions. When my son was younger, I let him cry for at least a half hour everyday. It's frustrating being a baby, and babies need to be allowed to get out that frustration. Plus, it's good excercise for them!

Hi Shannon

I believe you should do what you think is right. I am a mother of 3 children (6,4,and 1) I didn't like to let my children cry. I think they cry for a reason, especially at your daughter's age. I don't believe that you can hold a child too much either. However, go with your heart and what you feel. I hope this helps. BTW-I coslept with all my children and still do with my one year old.

L.

I think your newborn is way too young to let her cry it out. Many moms think six months is a good age to let them cry--I think it depends on what you think and feel about it. You can't spoil a newborn, but you can spoil an older baby (starting at age one they start to figure out how to manipulate you to get what they want!) But at this age, they aren't smart enough to do that--they only know that they are hungry/tired/etc. and need comforting. Don't feel bad--your instincts are on target (and they always will be--this is your baby, no one else's!) Keep comforting her and the crying will taper off over time. You will know when she starts to cry for attention--it's a different kind of cry. Good luck!!

I think a little crying doesn't hurt anyone. If the baby is crying excessively, there may be something wrong. But other then that, a little comforting will do good as well. The baby should feel they can depend on you when they cry, so don't be afraid to show the baby just how much you love them...

I think it is just not possible to "spoil" a baby tht small! If she wants to be held, enjoy it! It doesn't last long. at the same time, you need time for you. Really, you can't hold her all the time. You have to feed yourself, bathe, do things around the house. If she cries for a bit, it certainly won't cause her any damage.

I am of the firm belief that babies cry for a reason, and thus shouldn't be ignored. If your baby cries because she wants you to hold her, that is her need, as is her need to nurse, etc.

They are many people who think "crying it out" is an acceptable method of parenting, and then there are several who disagree. I think it's obvious which camp I'm in LOL

I never left my daughter to cry, ever. I comforted her every time she cried. She's now a very well adjusted, confident, happy 3 year old. So, I have no regrets.

Well, my first question would be if your friend giving this advise has any kids of her own? I hate to go against your friends advise, but crying does indicate that there is something wrong, like food allergy, separation anxiety, or something else. Usually at around 6 months it is separation anxiety, which can easily be fixed by carrying her more during the day. My advise would be to invest in a baby sling. There are many types of slings out there. They can reduce your babies crying by a TON. Not only can it help your baby cry less, it is super convient to use for breastfeeding AND you are hands free when you use it. There might be a baby wearing group near you depending on where you live. You can check out this web site for more info. http://www.thebabywearer.com/ If you have any questions on which carrier to use, let me know and I can help you. I do want to clarify that these are MUCH different than the snugly style baby carrier you might find at a store. Hope this helps.

HEY SHANNON! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! MY SON IS NOW 4 1/2 AND HE WOULD ALWAYS CRY EVERYTIME I PUT HIM DOWN, SO I ALWAYS HELD HIM. THERE WERE THOSE WHO WOULD SAY LET HIM CRY...BLA-BLA-BLA. BUT WHEN I WAS THE ONE HOME WITH HIM I COULD NOT LET HIM CRY. I STAY HOME TOO, AND WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE TAKING CARE OF THEM YOU DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU! TRUST YOUR FEELINGS AND REMEMBER SHE IS ONLY THIS ATTACHED AND HELPLESS FOR THE SHORTEST AMOUNT OF TIME IN HER LIFE! BEFOR YOU KNOW IT YOU WILL BE WISHING YOU COULD JUST SIT WITH HER AND NURSE OR TAKE A NAP OR JUST HOLD HER! TRUST ME! MY SON ALSO HAS NO SEPERATION ISSUES OR DEPENDENCY ISSUES, HE IS A CONFIDENT, SMART, INDEPENDENT LITTLE BOY NOW AND TRUST ME I STILL TRY TO HOLD HIM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE AND CUDDLE TIME IS THE BEST! BE PATIENT SHE WILL ONLY BE THIS LITTLE ONCE! BEST WISHES! W.

When my daughter was a newborn (she's now 9 months) I would tend to her crying as quickly as possible. Like your daughter, she only cried when she was hungry or needed to be held. Now that she's older, I don't rush to her as quickly, simply because I know she's safe where she is and is usually just in need of a good nap. I think it's important to let your daughter know that you're always there to comfort her but she also needs to learn to self-soothe.

(Oh, our pediatrician told me that it's good to let babies cry for a bit (5-10 min) before you tend to them.)

You've gotten a lot of good advice, so need I say more?

Just thought I'd let you know that I'm a big sucker for the cry too. My body really does scream "emergency" whenever the baby starts crying. But, my baby (babies) have had to cry for a few minutes here and there, like those times when they are stuck in the car seat and just want to get out but I really can't do anything about it for the next 5 minutes until we get to where we are going. They really have trained me that only one errand a day is all that they can tolerate and 15-20 minute car rides for the one daily event is all the drive time they can handle. And there has to be at least 2 hours of play time in between the trips to and from. -and that's just the driving part of my relationship with them.

Yes, I'm wrapped around their fingers and toes. Like I said, "a big sucker for the cry".

Well first of all everybody is different. i think you should hold her if you want to cause she is your baby and i believe you know what's good for your own child. i from experince also understand that you are very frustrated . I really believe that all babies do cry and that it's ok but as mothers we just don't want them to cry, we want them to be happy but also remember that if you are frustated she will pick up on it. i don't know if this will help at all i just think that everyone and every child is different. I think you should only really worry about it if you plan on puttinng her in daycare cause remember they will hold her but only for a little bit You can also try and gradually stop her from crying like for the first week let her cry for 10 min. then the next week 20min and so on also just keep her really busy so she dosen't realize mommy is not holding me. i just think you should do what really works for you. OMG I am going to add on to this because i am not sure if it is that just repled back to if so send it again because i accidentaly deleted it so sorry still getting the hang of this site

Echoing others, I firmly don't believe in letting babies "cry it out". I think it's a fad that one day will be looked at as harshly as we now look back at the fad 50 years ago that said babies shouldn't be cuddled too often because it spoils them. These days that just sounds cruel and studies have shown that cuddling babies is actually vitally important to their health and development.

I'm betting one day the "cry it out" methodology will be equally refuted by studies.

Until then, you have to decide what works best for you. My vote is to always go to your baby when she cries, if you can. Yes, there will be times the baby will have to wait a moment (what mother hasn't been in the middle of nature's business in the washroom when the baby decides to have a meltdown?), and as she gets older it's fair enough to explain that she has to wait now and then, but for a teeny tiny baby I feel strongly that the best thing is to do what you can to keep her as happy as possible as often as possible.

That's how you build a strong, independent, well-balanced kid: by showing them that you'll never abandon them.

I agree it is OK to let a baby cry unless she needs something (food, clean diaper...) but if she cries when she wants to be held and you don't mind, I say hold her as lomg as you wish to. You can't "spoil" a baby and who knows, she might actually NEED to be held more than most babies.

Every parent does things there way. I worried about my son (who is now 15 months) crying and should I rush to pick him up. Well I have to honestly say, when I knew that he was dry, fed and comfortable I let him cry (no more then 5 min). I talked to him Doctor about what to do, who was also a very good friend of ours, and he saw nothing wrong with that. My son is very smart, loving and INDEPENTANT. He understands 2 languages and knows sign language. I still do not see a problem with letting them cry every now and then when you know there is nothing wrong. I did not want him to use crying as a way to get his own way (I hope that does not sound wrong). There are those times when you are a new mom and the hubby/ boyfrind/ or other if back to work and you are HOME ALONE with the new baby. Sometimes I needed time to let him cry while I cried it happens, if they cry it is not your fault so if you need to let the little one cry for a few min. don't feel bad that you are not rushing to her. Take a breather cause if you freak then she will feel that. Take your time, she is OKAY!

I believe that it is fine to let your baby cry. I made sure that the need of my son was always met, but if he cried because he didn't want to go to bed, or whatever. He got to cry. I don't think that you should pick up your child everytime they cry. I did the same thing and now wish that I hadn't because he thinks that is the way it will always be. He doesn't need to be held all the time. Anyway, that's what I think about it.

I am not a parent that can stand to hear my babies cry. I consider myself an attachment parent even though I do not cosleep. But if you look at what attachment parenting says is trust yourself. I trust that my little ones only cry when they have a need, which was the case. I have though seen babies that are fussy babies and cry for who knows what reason. I say that if you don't feel comfortable let your child cry then don't. You are the parent not your friend.

Hello my son is 4 months old and wants to be held all the time to. I hate to hear him cry so I will usually hold him. There are times however where I have just had to put him down to get things done like a load of laundry. I think as long as you know there is nothing wrong with your daughter it's ok to let her cry for a few minutes but I can't go any longer than that. Just remember before you know it she won't want to be held and you will miss these days. Good luck

Hi Shannon! I am a breastfeeding, cosleeping parent who firmly believes in the attachment style of parenting as well. Don't let your baby cry it out. You've worked hard to establish your style of parenting and that will confuse the issue. I however, have been on the recieving end of intense pressure to give up cosleeping and responding to my baby's every cry immediately so I have felt your same confusion. What helped me? I read "Nighttime Parenting" by Dr. William Sears. Of course this is available on line and in bookstores but also probably at your local La Leche league meetings where you can borrow the book. I am the librarian at our local chapter and we have it.You can also purchase it through La Leche which also supports the organization. That brings me to my second source of support on my parenting style. I attend monthly meetings at my La Leche League chapter where I have met several woman who prescribe fully to attachment parenting and others who do so partially but have an understanding for it and support my choices and have experience to share in the area. It is a welcome treat and has proven "life saving" in times of uncertainty from family pressure to the contrary. I am excited to hear of yet another attachment parent and support this different way of doing things whole heartedly.

Good Luck! J.