A few months ago, my girl friends and I went out for a few hours for drinks, and it went fine. Tonight we're going again... I was trying to get my kids all excited because they get to have daddy all to themselves, they're going to their friends house to swim in the pool, etc... Well my almost 5 year old, the middle child, FLIPPED OUT!! Screaming, crying, completely unlike herself, bawling her eyes out and begging me not to go. This has NOTHING to do with staying with dad or going to the friends house... she doesn't want me to leave her. Last time we went out, they had left before us and she didn't give it a second thought... but looking back, she ALWAYS weasels her way into going to the store with me, going to the pharmacy with me, going to fuel up the cars... I've never thought about how attached she was before, because I was like 'whatever, c'mon, I don't care if you tag along'... but maybe this is a very bad thing. I want to be compassionate and loving, but part of me is thinking 'get over it! I'm coming back!' How would you handle this??
THANKS LADIES!! Last night was amazing... instead of leaving first, I went with my BF to our friends house where the girls would be swimming and hanging out... the second we got there, they were more excited about the pool that all else was forgotten, as I expected it probably would be. They wouldn't even stop to kiss my face, HAHA! They had a blast, and I was able to leave with my girl friend without another tantrum! Much needed mommy time! Thanks for all the advice and suggestions, I doubt I'm out of the woods yet, but it's good to have something to reference for next time ;)
Go have fun, & don't feel guilty. She will not be scarred for life because Mommy went & had some adult time. One day you can look back on this & laugh about it.
Blessings!
Be compansionate and loving, but don't go overboard with it. She's a big girl and probaby getting ready for Kindergarten next year, so you definitely don't want her to see that she can throw a fit and get her way when it comes to separating (or not, in this case). Tell her you're going to go out, you will be back, she's going to have fun with Daddy and her friends, you're going to have fun with her friends and you'll tell each other all about it when you see her later/tomorrow. Hug her, tell her you know she's upset, but there's no reason to be, you're going to go out no matter what and she just has to be okay with it. Good luck!
You're not being mean! You obviously need (and deserve) the time out. Yes some moms NEVER leave their kids and thats their choice. But most of us need to, at least sometimes. I would gently explain that you just need to have some "mommy" time, you will be back, and you love her very much. And soon plan a special outting for the two of you. Yes she will get over, and yes, if you dont go because of her fit she may realize she can manipulate you not to go. I bet 5 minutes after you leave, she'll be fine. And next time, make sure she's occupied before you go!
Aawww! Your daughter loves you! = )
And that's exactly how it should be. She loves you so much that she puts you through the wringer over something that she will forget about tomorrow and it is your job to give her a hug and a kiss and enjoy your GNO.
I too have children that try to weasel their way into whatever we're doing. Sometimes it is great like "Are you doing laundry? Can I help you folder clothes? Can I? And sometimes it makes me sigh "Why can't I go to the grocery store with you? Puh-leeeeze?"
I would give her a hug and say, "I understand that you're sad because I'm going to have dinner with Jane and Sally and you don't get to come. But guess what? When I come home, I'll come to your room and tuck you in. Have a good time with Daddy!"
I mean, of course she doesn't WANT you to leave. Kids love Mommy. But for your own mental health, you need to get out without kids every so often. Not every kid is going to appreciate that, but it won't scar them for life to be without Mom for the night...
I'd take my daughter aside and tell her I recognize that she really, really wants me to stay home. And yes, she feels really, really sad that I will be going out for a little while. I would look deeply and lovingly into her eyes, and ask her to "Tell me all about it, honey. I want to know what this is like for you." And I would listen attentively, and make little m-hm's and yeses along the way so she'd know I was right there.
Then I'd say, "So, this is hard for you, isn't it, that mommy has other friends she wants to see sometimes?" Listen more, if she has more to say. Then, "So, what are you going to do while I'm away tonight? You'll probably feel sad, but you'll want to be happy and have fun, right? How do you think you'll handle it, so you can have some fun?" You might be surprised that she'll actually think it through and propose how she'll deal with it.
Note; while she's telling your her longings and anxieties, listen carefully to determine whether there might be a legitimate source of fear for her. It could be that something happened some other time she was alone with daddy. Just in case, you might want to know what that was.
I'm making NO accusations here, because I do not know your husband. But my step-father sexually abused his 4 step daughters from very young ages, and none of us told, because none of us imagined anybody would believe us.
I'd let her squawk and scream and pitch a fit and then I'd still walk out the door. (Talk about mean! I'm the meanest, nastiest, mommy out there; I think!)
I would tell her I'm going. I'd tell her I need time.
I told my kids I had a ladies' meeting... always made it sound more important than just dinner with the girls.
She needs her mommy time, but mommy needs her time, too. Don't let her ruin your happy. Just go and enjoy yourself. She will be fine. You know it and she knows it.
YMMV
LBC
My kids are the same , I had a girls night out last weekend and they were begging me not to go and asking to come with me , I just told them that no they cannot come , mom is having a night out and I will see them when they get up and then I left , some may call me mean but so , I rarely go out with girl friends so I'm not going to feel guilty about.
Tonight you are going to go out and have a good time with your friends.. You deserve it and you need it. So does your family. They need to know they can survive for times when you are not always right there. They also need to learn that you are not only a wonderful mom, but also a woman with grown up friends.
Your family and the 5 year old are also going to be fine. Your daughter is probably just going trough a phase. Your husband can handle it.
When you get back visit each child and ask each one what the most fun was.
Then you tell them that you had a good time too. Do not tell them anything like, "thank you for letting me go"... Just tell them it is fun to spend time with your friends just like they like to have fun with their friends..
It's also good for your daughter to learn that she can survive time without you. Giving into her anxiety about you not going out by staying home with her inadvertently gives her the message that she can't handle it and might contribute to her feeling even more anxious and insecure about separating from you on future occasions. The solution then would not be to stay home, but to keep your plans with your girlfriends. Of course listen to your daughter, let her know you love her, and that you'll plan some special time for her another time. Yet it would not be advisable to feed into her separation anxiety.
Sounds like little missy is needing just a little extra mommy time. This is easily done...while you get ready, you can multi task.
Before you go, while you are getting ready, invite her into your room or the bathroom while you dress and put on makeup, etc. Let her hand you brushes and help "find" your missing shoes. I loved this when I was little. Ask her what she's going to do while you're out, and tell her what you'll be doing (be sure to emphasize that you'll be going places where only grownups are allowed, but do it gently). Ask her which swimsuit she'll wear ("oooh...I like that one. Do you like my dress?"), and so forth. It'll turn her thoughts onto her own plans. Ask if she's going to make popcorn and watch a movie (if yes, say "will you save me some?"), or play Barbies, or draw pictures, etc. When you're ready, ask her to help you find your purse, coat, phone, and maybe even take a picture of the two of you together before you leave. Tell her that you'll email it to Grandma tomorrow when she gets home.
When you head out, if she melts down, don't worry about it. Tell her that you'll see her tomorrow, hugs and kisses, and head out. She'll forget about you when she sees all the fun everyone else is having, and have all kinds of things to tell you about when she sees you.
Have fun!
C.
it sounds like she is crying out for alone time with you:) why dont you try talking 2 her and tell her that you and her will go out on a girls nite soon:) maybe you and her can go some where just the 2 of yall.maybe see a movie and dinner i always have a mother&daughter time for me and my girl at lease once a month:)good luck go have fun mama dont let it get 2 you
I was raised by my grandmother, she was a young grandmother who basically devoted her life to the family. She did work outside the home, but rarely went out without us. I remember an incident when I was about 4 or five, it was her birthday and her adult children wanted to take her out "without" me and her youngest child who was just two years older then me. I was terrified and cried and cried (like my heart would break), I didn't want her to leave me at night. Leaving to work in the morning,someway was different than going at night to me. As I recall, she did go and that was right. Even little kids have to get over some of their fears.
Blessings......
Lie if you have to. You need your mommy time. I tell my daughter that I have to go out to do some work but it's only for and hour or two and then when I come back we will play a game. Tell you that you need to go to the doctor or somewhere that children are not allowed and if she is good for Daddy you will do something special with her tomorrow.
sometimes my daughter throws a fit when I leave her at daycare, but she stops as soon as the door shuts, which I know, because her daycare lady invited me to peek in the window at them. I wouldnt let it bother you.
My younger sister used to be like this as well. It continued until she was 10 or 12, but now that she's a teen she just wants my mom to leave her alone.
Well, I'm sure you know the rule of never telling her a specific time you will be home because then if something unexpected happens like your car breaks down and you aren't home on time she will be devastated.
I'm not sure what you can do at this exact moment, except reassure her that you will be coming back and know that eventually she will get over it.
I would for this one time only. stay home with her. but I do mean stay home. and make her find something to do in her room or the other side of the house. she won't go with daddy and the boys to swim and you won't entertain her. and don't let her snuggle in with you either. send her to play in her room. and tell her you will be going out with your friends the next time and she is not going and don't give in to the fit. you have already pretty much decided not to go. don't let that happen next time.
