Kindergartener Not Wanting to Go to School!

Having been the mom and the teacher in a similar situation I can tell you many kids get cold feet in October and in March. The honeymoon is over. : D Tell her their rules are good bye kisses at the door of the school. She is safe and getting smarter every day! Have you read her "The Kissing Hand"?

Hi M.:
How is she behaving in class? Is someone bothering her in the classroom? What are the teachers saying?
M. H.

Drop her off and walk away. That is the best advice any mother could give you. If you pull her out and homeschool her, what about first grade, second, third, etc? It's a power struggle and she is probably fine two minutes after you leave. You cannot reason with a five year old and if she does not want to go because someone is bothering her, then you need to find out, not punish. If she has no reason other than she would rather be with you, drop her off and walk away. I know it's hard (my oldest needed to be peeled off of me on a daily basis way back when) but if you give in, you are not doing her any favors. Just remember you are the parent! Be strong! And good luck!!! =)

M., you have a lot of positive suggestions. As one mother said, it is not a good idea to punish her in any way. She is already afraid, why make her feel more alone and fearful?

Try some of the suggestions that the other mothers gave to you.

Here is a technique that I used with children when they were afraid (did my therapeutic internship at a residential treatment center).

Sit on the floor with your daughter. You mirror exactly what you ask her to do. Use descriptive words that she can relate to. Here goes.

Let's put a pretend ball in each of our hands.

1. When you think of going into your kindergarten room, what color is the ball?

2. What shape is the ball? Is it round, does it have pointers (spikes on it)? (Make different shapes by drawing in the air - zigzag, irregular shape)

3. What does it feel like? Is it soft, hard, ruff like sandpaper or the sidewalk? Pointy like a fork that you eat with?

4. Let's each of us put the ball to our ear. Does it have a sound? (if so) What does it sound like?

5. Put the ball to your nose? Does it have a smell? (if so) what does it smell like?

6. Is the ball small? (show the size with your hands by cupping them together, start with the size of a ball that you play jacks with. Then go to a medium size ball, or a large beach ball).

7. Is the ball moving or standing still?

8. Is the picture of the ball real close to you or far away?

(Now you are ready to transform the imaginary feelings that are going on in your child). Put a smile on your face so that your child believes this is the fun part.

1. What is your favorite color? Ok, lets turn the ball into (pink or whatever she says). Tell me when it is (pink).
2. Lets make the ball round.
3. Lets make the ball smooth.
4. Let's turn off the sound. (If there was a sound).
5. What is your favorite smell? Ok, let's have the ball smell like...
6. Make the ball the perfect size for you.
7. If your child said the ball was bouncing tell her to have the ball resting and quiet. If she said the ball was still, have her have it bouncing happily.
8. Have your daughter take the picture of the ball and move it way out in front of her until it becomes a dot and disappears.
9. Good job.
10. Now ask her what fun thing she would like to do and do whatever she wants. This is important.

This "little" exercise looks like nothing but brings absolutely amazing results. Even adults have wonderful transformational experiences after doing the exercise.

Good luck,
M. Binder
www.toy-train-table-plans-store.com

Hi, M.. My two cents is this: She is five, her brother is 3, her dad is overseas. She doesn't know where Afghanistan is, but she knows it's "far, far away", right?

She gets to see her brother stay with you when she has to separate from you both and be alone at school. Since this just happened out of the blue, I'd call it a phase.

But it's fear, nonetheless.

I grew up with a dad who travelled to the middle east in the early 80's as a medic. He was on that stint for 4 years, home every 8 months. I am the oldest and I, too, wanted to retreat in the middle of this "routine" suddenly and just hibernate at home. Home, in my mind, was a shelter. A coccoon. I was in the 4th grade. So, hell yeah - totally reasonable to feel that way in Kindergarten. And unless you know for a fact that she's socializing with a kid or two in her class who ALSO has a parent overseas, can you imagine how "out of place" she may feel? Watch her face when she sees a "dad" pick up one of her classmates; she may not be sad or show emotion, but she may be watching them, even still. Get in her brain, stand in her shoes.

The dynamic in your household must, in some way, call for your daughter to be a bit of a helper for you, right? Even little things, like helping with her baby brother?

Go that route even further. Make her feel like an important cog in the wheel of your family. She "needs" to go to school because "you guys are all learning to read now!" and "you guys are helping other kids learn how to tie your shoes, count,..." etc, etc... parlay that into, "I'm hoping you can go every day and then come home and help ME teach your brother these things....." See where I'm going with this? School can be "her job" (and in the long run, will be).

Don't cave in. And homeschooling - yes - is great; actually have a cool, albeit small, homeschooling community in our neighborhood; very organized. But right now, your oldest child may need that social environment more than you realize. And even though she's pulling away from it right now, it "is" familiar territory to her. Don't move stuff around on her right now.

You're doing the right thing pursuing the route of asking her about school. If something is happening, someone's picking on her... any of that, it explains A LOT. But she may not be one'a those kids that "volunteers her daily schedule" (two of mine clam up, one of mine is Little Miss, "Okay, today at 10:17, my friend Olivia got glue on her shoe.....") In which case, you'll have to play the process of elimination game. Keep her hands busy, interrogate her when you guys are rolling play-doh or coloring together. And just go down the list, "So, how was today? Did you play with so-and-so? Did you get to be line-leader for bathroom break?...." listen to her tone, watch her eyes... put the pieces of the puzzle together. Your instincts will get to the bottom of this!

Good luck and hugs to your little ones!

I would check with the social worker/psychologist at the school to help brainstorm ideas so that your daughter is comfortable when she separates from you. Something has happened that is making her very uncomfortable to separate from you. I would suspect that perhaps your husband being away may certainly heighten her anxiety and worry about you going. It is possible that she is responding to that depending on when your husband went away. I think you can work through it so that she feels safe and secure. Maybe try having her bring your picture with her; volunteer in the class if you can to see what is going on too and to provide suggestions to the teacher based on knowing her so that your daughter can feel OK. Good luck.
T.

I would schedule a time to talk to the teacher and the aid and create a plan with them. As a former kindergarten teacher, I'm certain that they are as frustrated, confused and concerned about your daughter's recent behavior as you are. If the 3 of you can work on a game plan together, you're likely to be more successful since you'll all be saying the same things to your child. Additionally, I would try to have your daughter be a part of this discussion (maybe not initially, but in the end) as it will make her feel very grown up and in control--something most children do not feel very often as they tend to have very little say in their lives.

Good luck!

I might ask the teacher about a child that would be a good fit for her to invite over occasionally to the house. Sometimes school is a hard social environment but if we have a good friend it helps. I would also ask the teacher if she struggles with any of her subjects like getting organized, or following along, preparing to read. This is a time of year when the level of school might start pushing things up a bit and there might be anxiety for her. I find it positive that you are not sticking your head in the sand and are trying different techniques. While it is frustrating not being able to help and find the solution, it sounds like you are on the right track by not giving up. J.

there could be many reasons why your daughter does not want to go,one if it is a school with other higher grades, someone might have done something to scare her and she is afraid of what happen, little kids will keep it in them and not let there parents know for awhile, second something in her class might of gone wrong or another kid might of said something to her about her father being far away also, or saw something in the class that reminded her of her father. Keep her in class and just let her wait till she talks it out with you, it might take awhile but one day she will let you know.

M.: How is your daughter socializing in class? Does the teacher have any insight? My daughter had the same problems when she was very young. Don't keep her home. The only way to deal with anxiety is to deal with it by getting her to talk about what is happening at school and try to express her feelings. If she won't talk about it or doesn't know how to express her feelings, a play therapist may be able to help you get to the bottom. School and learning should be a fun and exciting for children and getting to the bottom of this is important for future school success.

Good Luck!

Hey M.,
My best friend has been dealing with the same issue this year with her kindergarten daughter. The social worker has suggested a sticker chart. So when she fills it they get to do something fun that her daughter has chosen. For example, they went to see a movie the other week. Or she has even chosen play dates. Her daughter use to throw huge fits all the way in the building. She has gradually gotten better. The chart seems to help. Hang in there. I am sure this will pass.

HI I am a teacher and also a grandmother. This sounds like separation anxiety maybe because your husband is gone. When did he leave? Did it start after that? She may be afraid to leave you at home if she senses you are sad about your husband being gone. I would take baby steps and just have her stay for a short time and make it longer each week and give her rewards after each day. B.

Hi M.. Before you do anything, please make absolutely sure there is nothing going on at school making her not want to go. It can be as simple as not liking where she sits or as complicated as another child bothering her.You get the idea. As far as suggestions, after you establish that there is not an underlying problem, sometimes if someone else drops them off, they are OK. It could be she is afraid you will go away like her dad. If she sees you at home with your son and knows you will be there when she gets bac, she will hopefully go willingly with the person you choose to take her. Someone she also likes and trusts. Or, maybe going to school with a friend and her mom. Good luck. I hope this helps.

Your story brought back memories, my daughter was exactly like yours, she's 15 now, and sorry t o say still dislikes school, she's in 9th grade, so sorry but not much you can do but keep bringing her till she figures out that's where she belongs during the day, my daughter also wanted to be home schooled, still does. good luck , be strong.

M., I know what your going through. My son started about a month ago saying he had stomachaches and crying.The teacher said he was fine in class, he was fine when I picked him up. He says nothing is wrong. I also bribed with toys and threatened with no video games. Nothing helped.I have been sleeping horrible and dread taking him. I don't have any advise except hang in there. There's at least one other mom going through the same thing.

M.

Funny you should write in. Mom & I were just discussing this. I am a mom to 4 grown (25,23,20,17) kids and a grandson who will be starting Pre K in the fall. I remember quite well some of what you are saying. Probably the best is to "just" drop her at the door and don't give in.When she realizes that is how it is going to be,she will settle down. Believe me.....my oldest used to do me the same way. I'd drop her at the door and continue on about my way. I can see it is hard on you with her being your first and all but trust me,you don't want to have to start something that carries over to the younger one. I
volunteer in a kindergarten room and it's like......just let the teacher do her job. The teacher I work with is very good at helping the kids realize what is what and you too should try having faith in your daughter's teacher at this point.Them oldest children will manipulate us as much as they can because they can.And believe it or not!!! all that when she was little and she is now in her junior year studying to be a pharmacist!!! Hang in there a "little" tough love and perseverance on your part will make it all work out.

Hi There,

I am a social worker in a K-5 building, so I have helped many a child into school! I am not sure if this may be a repeat but here is my advice. In order to gauge if anything happened at school, you can sit down and do a school report card. I tell the kids that they are always being graded and evaluated, so it's only fair that they get to do the same thing about school. You can sit down with her and ask her all the parts of her day, including a category for her teacher and classmates and then have her give them a grade (1, 2, 3 or A, B, C) so that you can see if there is anything she is having difficulty with. Although it may be tough, I would try not to even walk your daughter as far as the classroom. Try to drop her off at the front door or on the playground with some friends and/or with the help of the teacher/socialworker, so that you can say goodbye as quickly as possible. Another idea might be to carpool or have her come to school with another friend (would probably work better for afternoon Kindy). That way she may feel more secure. Another option would be to send your little girl with a special something in her pocket from you (maybe a note or picture). She could even bring something more special to keep in her backpack. A last idea would be spinning the consequences away from the negative (taking something away) and turning it to a positive reinforcement. You can have a little sticker chart that you could keep or the teacher could keep that she will earn a special treat or privilege, which can be a simple as extra cuddle time that evening! You can reward her each day at first and then maybe move to every two or three days. I hope some of these strategies help. Good Luck!

REASSURE her, but don't discipline her. She is just feeling insecure. My 5 year old niece just went through this. She loved school when it first started and would run into the classroom as soon as they got there because she loved it so much. Well all of a sudden she started crying and wouldn't leave my sister's side, this went on for 2 weeks. My sister couldn't understand it because she LOVED school all year long so far. Well the teacher asked if she went through any transitions recently and my sister told the teacher that her father recently got married, so my niece got a new stepmother. The teacher gave my sister some poster board and suggested she make a family poster by gluing pictures of the family all over it and then the next day the teacher let my niece hang up the poster somewhere in the classroom where she could see it everyday and BAM, after that she never cried again. Weird huh? I asked my niece why she was crying and she said she didn't like the teacher. The teacher thought it was her homelife transition though. But I guess this poster assignment must have brought my niece closer to the teacher and provided her a sense of security.

I have had a similar issue with my 4 yr. old daughter. She wanted to go to school but did not want to go to class with a particular teacher. I was able to let her go into another class until her regular teacher came in because she is in a daycare center. You should see if there has been any changes in her classroom or maybe talk to her about the kids in her class. Have anyone been teasing her or has she had an incident in class she was embarrassed about? Ask the teacher if she noticed a change in you daughter. You would not believe some of the things kids talk about in class. My daughter has become more concious of her hair and clothes. I would suggest trying a different class or if she goes to school full time, try half a day kindergarten. Also, it could be the teacher, keep talking to her. Try not to be so direct but on a friendship level. Play in her room and just mention this and that to get her to open up.

Definitely I think any negative reinforcement (threatening to take a toy away) is not the way to go, as that will likely always upset her more. It sounds like she's feeling a ton of stress about walking into the classroom and about being at school in general. Have you tried asking her what she doesn't like about school? Or maybe see if you can get a babysitter for your 3 year-old one day and ask if the teacher will let you stay in the classroom and observe? Maybe she's scared of another child, of going to the bathroom by herself, of any number of things. If you can get to the source, you'll be able to work on helping make her school experience more positive. It's great that you are trying so hard to help her now, before it goes on too long. Best of luck.

Hi I had that problem with my son. It turned out he had gotten into trouble the teacher had yelled at him and he was scared of him. It took me almost two weeks to get him to go back in the class after I found out the problem. In my experince kids act that way because they have been told to mind the teacher and that the teacher is right,but sometimes we as parents need to look a little closer.Your child is trying to tell you something.It may not be the teacher it could be one of the other kids picing on them. sit down with your child and talk make sure she understands she won't get into any trouble for telling what is wrong.you might be surprised

Her birthday may be late in the year , making her younger and a little more immature for "letting go". Don't take her out of school. When you kiss her goodby, and the assistant takes her hand, just walk out. Don't look back. She'll be watching for your reaction mommy. My daughter was the same way and I made the mistake of not enrolling her until after Easter break. She ended up needing kindergarten summerschool. Imagine!! You know what? She was fine after that. Of course I blamed myself. The teachers know best. Good luck. p.s. She was an honor roll student all through school after that and became a teacher herself.

I had a similar situation with my son in Junior Kindergarten. He didn't want to go to school. Would constantly complain of a sore stomach. Insisted that I watch him from the fenced off area to make sure that he was okay. He would come home with his lunch all the time with nothing eaten, which after a 7 hour day is a little concerning. That year my husband was also travelling a lot, so I thought that had something to do with it. We also had a toddler in the house, maybe that was the situation. I sat him down and talked to him to see if there was something going on. What he was feeling, etc. Nothing. I decided to have a chat with his teacher, she said that he seemed fine at school, nothing out of the ordinary. His work was fine. So I probed further. Decided to start volunteering in the classroom and finally saw it with my own eyes. He was being bullied by a little girl in the class. Not just him though, she bullied almost everyone in the class. Especially when the teacher was not present (i.e. cloakroom, lunch time, recess, etc.)Spoke with the teacher again. Spoke with the principal. Lucky for me the school had a no tollerance bullying policy. A liason officer was called in to talk with the students about bullying, the parents were contacted about this little girl and the situation fixed itself. The next year for Senior Kindergarten, I was able to switch my son to a different class which made the world of difference. He made some really good friends and excelled. It is amazing how one little situation can affect your child's self confidence. My suggestion to you is probe further, get in the class if you can, observe the situation when no adults are in direct supervision, and ask to look at her work to see if there are changes there also. Talk to other staff also that have contact with her to see if they have seen any change in her personality and most importantly advocate for your daughter. Something has changed. A child should not be afraid to go to school!
My son would also get upset when his father travelled a lot, so I put together a small photo album with his help of pictures of his dad and him. We kept this in his backpack at school and he would look at it when he needed that extra reassurance.
Hope this helps.

A little about me:

I am a stay-at-home mom in Canada. I have 2 sons 7 and 4.

M.:
A mom's job is never easy. You have taken all the necessary steps that you need to. I assume that nothing has happened at school that the staff is aware of. Unfortunately, your daughter is really not old enough to maybe even understand what it is that is bothering her. It is a hard call to make and I went through this with my daughter as well. We ended up seeing a child psychologist (probably was better for me to vent and have them talk to me as well). Have you taken her to her pediatrician? Truly, you are not alone and these intense fears should not be taken lightly. You are right not to pull her out of school. You need to keep the same routine. Children thrive on routine. What is she like after you leave? Does she finally adjust?

My daughter was like this in every situation. She never wanted me to leave the room, go to birthday parties, etc. It was something that is very wearing on the nerves yet you want peace for your child and yourself. I truly believe that with the warm weather coming and her being able to play outside, have playdates at home with friends and seeing a therapist who will be able to eventually find out what the root of this is will help you all. Some kids are much more atuned and emotional. That is just how they are made. Went through a more difficult situation with my son just last year and the therapist is the one who finally got it out of him what was bothering him. He hid it so well!

Children are too young to understand their fears and how it impacts their health and behavior. Be there for her and stay strong in front of her. I know how hard that is because your heart just tears. I too am an emotional person and I found out that I wasn't doing them any good by breaking down as well in front of them. Lessons we learn! There is no book to guide us through parenthood because we all are different and so are our kids. I have gone through what you have and can only offer my experience and my heart. You have done your best, don't be upset to let a professional help you out. It doesn't mean that you're "labeled". Do what you feel is best for all of you, the sooner the better! Rewards are good too for good behavior. Just make sure you let her know the expectations and when she reaches the goal (don't make it too difficult), then reward with something small like stickers, pencils, coloring books, and lots of other things that you can find at the dollar store. Rewards are wonderful. Best to you and please feel free to vent to me any time. This is hard on you because your husband is away so all of this falls on your shoulders. You must be very proud of him yet I'm sure you worry as well. You have a lot on your plate, have someone help you! Have a blessed Easter and get yourself some chocolate!

K.

Hi M.,

It sounds, after reading that your husband is in Afganistan, that she may be struggling with the fear of abandonment. She is probably struggling with her Dad being so far away and not sure about him coming back and when she leaves you everyday for school she may be replacing some of those same fears. My suggestion is to keep taking her to school and keep reassuring her that you will see her after school. When you keep reassuring her and see her after school, she will get through this with the help of you, Dad, teachers and administrators. Good luck and hang in there, the end of the school year is right around the corner!

God Bless your husband on his safe return to the US.

we went through this w/my daughter in kindergarden. what helped is that i would stop walking her in (the principal, teacher or whoever she trusted) would meet us at the car and take her. i also gave her a picture of our family that she would keep w/her so when she was sad or lonely, she could look at. this worked wonders. of course the school was well aware of what was going on and were a huge help...THE WORST THING YOU COULD DO IS TAKE HER OUT OF SCHOOL!! DON'T DO THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE THEN SHOWING YOUR CHILD SHE IS BOSS!! just be loving and firm w/out punishing her. even reward her when she goes to school w/out any problems or take her to her favorite lunch place.

Hi M.,
My name is S.. I have a preschooler, who will be 4 at the end of April who is behaving the exact same way. Yesterday, she was nearly throwing a tantrum at school and I also try to reason with her, threaten the no playing later in the evening etc. I too am baffled why all of the sudden the past couple of months that she is acting like this. I ask her if friends are nice to her, she says yes.
Although I don't have an answer for you, I am empathetic to your situation as I am living it as well....
I work full time and no other kids at the moment, we are adopting a baby at end of May. Married for 6 1/2 years, hubby works fulltime as well.

Public school is not required in the state of Illinois.
Home Schooling is a great. Tens of Thousands of families in Illinois home School. (You do not need to be a certified teacher)
There are lots of great home school co-ops, if you don't feel you can do it alone. Illinois is a very home school friendly state. There is loads of home school curriculum on the market.
In June there will be the (Christian) Illinois State Home School convention on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, June 5-7 at the Calvary Church, Naperville, Il for more information visit www.iche.org. This is huge event. You do not have to be currently home schooling to attend. This website can give you all kinds of information of home schooling in the state of Illinois.

There is also lots and lots of secular home school co-ops as well as curriculum's available.

My son is now 17 and will graduate this year. He is currently in a public high school so he could play sports but home schooling prior to that was great for him as well as the whole family.
I don't even have any children being home schooled but teach at home school co-op in Crystal Lake, IL. That is how much I believe in home educating. Think about... I loved when our son was with me. It was a Blessing.

Good Luck

P.S Lot of military families home school because they are moving so often

Hi M..
Sorry you are having a rough spot with your little girl.

One quick question: How is she in the room once the aide assists her? Does she settle down once she's gotten her coat off, or once classroom routine begins? Does she continue to be upset, but slowly calms down as the day progresses?

I suspect a previous poster may have identified some of the problems. Perhaps something happened at school to help her feel this way. My guess is that more then likely, she is worried about Daddy being away (and fear that he might not come back). When you leave her at school, might be finding herself worrying that you might not be there either when she comes home from school.

When I was little (younger than 8) my father died suddenly, and I had those fears. I was older and better able to cope.

You could try writing her a story with pictures of her, you and your husband. Write about taking her to school and dropping her off. You could write that you miss her, and can't wait until the clock tells you that it's time to get in the car to go pick her up. Write about what you do while she's at school learning. Talk about the exciting things she does during the day at school... get some details from her teacher. Work with her on telling time, so that she knows when it is getting close to coming home (if she continues to be upset for longer periods of the day).

Probably the best piece of advice I could give you, is to talk with the school social worker or the school psychologist. They may be able to guide you through a way to identify what's really bothering her, and help you find a way to calm her fears or directly address the problem.

Good luck!

The issue may not be so much about school, but about your husband being in Afghanistan. I'm sure this is a stress to your family, and her way to respond is to fight about going to school. Esp. if there is no apparent cause in relation to school.
To help her with the school issue, keep up the positive talk about school. What does she like to do there? Who does she get to play with? What exciting activities are going on? What can she look forward to? Keeping her focused on the things she likes keeps her attention off the "I don't want to" about school may help.
How is she dealing with her Dad being gone? Perhaps there is a way for her to feel more connected and less stressed about the situation. Check into your resources (school social worker, pediatrician, etc) to help you, your daughter, and your family during this time.
Good Luck!

M.,

It's hard to say what the reason is exactly. They are suddenly so independent in kindergarten, and yet they still need us so much and can't describe all of their feelings of anxiety. My daughter just turned 6 and is in kindergarten. She did preschool and pre-k and every time we'd start one after a summer break, it was back to square one - VERY hard for her. She, too, was doing really well up until probably mid-January. She rides the bus, and suddenly didn't want to. We had a bus monitor on for weeks to make sure there was no specific reason for her fear. Then it was school in general. We've met with the school psychologist, the social worker, the principal, assistant principal, her teacher, you name it! It was very frustrating, and I also was torn between punishing her or babying her or caving in. I was very shy as a child myself, and I remember hating school sometimes - just hating the separation part, not actually hating it the whole time I was there. My daughter and I made a deal - she has to go to school, but we will do some fun special things at home, too. I already do go volunteer in her classroom on Tuesdays, so that was always her favorite day. If Monday was hard, I could always tell her I'd be there tomorrow for computer lab and to drive her home instead of the bus. Now, since it suddenly was so hard for her, we have made our own Fun Fridays! She looks forward to them with excitement, and the week goes by faster because we think of ideas all week long. I give her a choice on Friday - I can either take her in the morning or pick her up after school, so she doesn't have to ride the bus both ways. And sometimes our Fun Friday is ice cream, or going to the library, or having a dinner out as a family, or making a craft, or staying up an extra half hour, or playing on the computer. It's pretty much up to her, but all week long she forgets her anxiety because she is planning Friday and asking how many more days until our special time. It seemed like such a simple gimmick, and I never thought she'd buy it, but she did a complete turn around. We keep our goodbye at the bus simple - kiss, hug, high five. It's been that since I dropped her off at preschool. And if it's looking like it'll be a hard day, she wants me to write on her hand - which I also did when she was little. I draw a smiley face, a heart, and a star - for being happy she's mine, always in love with her, and the star is the place I left a kiss. Then she can look at it during the day if she wants. She loves it. But for us, the biggest way to get through the week was giving her something to look forward to - and that was Fun Fridays. Start smaller if you have to. Plan a simple activity she loves on a few days of the week so she's got something fun to look forward to, which hopefully will alleviate the separation anxiety she's experiencing now. Good luck!

In all honesty, I don't think that taking toys away or getting mad is the right approach. My usually pretty independant daughter had anxiety the first couple weeks of preschool AND kindergarten.

I have two older daughters that were already in that school, and since I am pretty active in the school, she had been very familiar with the school AND especially her teachers. (to the point where they are my friends outside of school)She was also very comfortable with some of the kids in her class already because they were friends with her from before school even started.

I was baffled as to why she would be anxious. I know she had a hard time just "leaving" me, and it wasn't that she was scared to go to school.

My response to her was that, "I know you miss me, and I will miss you too" - but everyone needs to go to school or else you won't learn and become a big girl. I wrote "I love you" on a little piece of paper and kissed it, and told her to keep it in her coat pocket or somewhere where she could go touch it and remember me by. She liked the idea but still went complaining, and I had the aide take her. After school she was always fine and the aide said that like in 5 minutes she calmed down and joined the class no problem. It took about 2 weeks of apprehension but she went back no problem. I also get that a little time to time after a long vacation where she is used to being home again...it is hard to get back in the swing of things. She even did that to me a little, going into 1st grade after summer vacation....but after a couple tears she was fine. They will grow out of it. At least she isn't like my older daughters that hop out of the car and run to go meet their friends outside before school on the first day and don't look back! LOL Just wait till the "tween" years, you'll wish they missed you even a little bit. (I know they secretly do, and will tell me all about their day when they get out of school)

So to sum it up, I think reassurance is the route to go, because she isn't being "bad" to get a toy taken away or anything, just probably missing you and her home. Reassure her every day that she will be picked up before she knows it. Also keep telling her how it is important that she go to school and learn, so she can be a big girl. Consistancy and the idea of "life goes on, even if you don't want to, so there is no choice" I beleive is the right attitude.....to teach her for all situations. You don't want her to think that giving up just because she doesn't want to do something is the right thing to do. Even if she is kicking and screaming going into school, it won't scar her idea of school for the rest of her life or anything.

You also must show restraint in not showing your emotions. The worst thing is going back to appease her crying and hanging on and having a hard time letting her go. Say everything you need to say, kiss her etc. But don't drag it on. Show her that this is what needs to be done and allow the aide to take her, even kicking and screaming. If she sees you upset over it, it will only make her realize that she could manipulate this situation and pull on your heartstrings to get what she wants. Consistancy and the only emotions that should be shown is that you love her, miss her, but that she needs to go to school no doubts about it. Go in the car and cry or think about it all day, but I guarentee when you pick her up, she will have forgotten all about it till the next day. It should take a good 2 weeks for her to really realize she isn't getting out of going to school so she better just suck it up and like it ...:)

(this is all provided there is nothing happeneing IN school that makes her feel the way she does- is someone picking on her, teachers being mean, or heavenforbid something worse?? If you ask her those questions and she is adament that nothing is wrong IN school, then it is just being away from you scared....and I promise she will get over it)

My sister's kids went through some of this a while back. She gave them something of hers to hold onto too while they were in class. Sometimes it was something they thought was important to her so they knew she would have to come back and get it. Maybe you could try that...

Hi M.. I am a retired Kindergarten teacher, who taught K for 20 years; second grade for 8 yrs. I've had many children in the beginning of the year have trouble separating. This is pretty late in the year for that. Did something happen in class with a friend? Has the teacher observed any behavior that might give you a clue? Is she acting normal after you leave?
Another reason may be that since her daddy is gone, she may fear that you, too, will be gone when she gets home. Reassurances would help there, too. Perhaps talking to the social worker or doing some art therapy may give you an insight. Sounds like something is going on that you should pursue. Is she afraid of anything or anyone at school? All good questions to find the answers to.
Remember, you are her advocate. I had a little boy who was so terrified and cried for the first week, that I had his mother come and stay with him for a week. That seemed to do the trick. Will your teacher allow that?
Hope this helps.
S. G.

You poor thing. Sounds to me like your little girl is needing security, perhaps because your husband is away. Why don't you try getting a babysitter for a few mornings and going into the classroom with her and sitting in the back (or volunteer as a morning helper) She can come to you when she needs some security, and over several days or weeks you can shorten the time you stay until she is feeling more secure.

Dear M.,

There is definitely some hidden issue here. Are they nice to her in class? Does she have friends? Is she bored?

Also the fact that your husband is gone could be a huge factor. She might be terrified that she may not see you again and does not know how to tell you. I also have a girl in kindergarten. She is sociable and well liked. She also clings to me. I found that I was working a lot and she missed me terribly. She faked being sick one day just to keep me with her for the day. I know that we do not want to raise spoiled children but this generation of kids are different. I had my mother home until I was in high school. Kids today are not getting that bond like we had.

Your husband is doing a really wonderful thing by being in Afghanistan and your family is making a huge sacrifice. My guess is your daughter misses her dad and wants to make sure she has you.

I understand that it is quite frustrating that your daughter doesn't want to go to school anymore, HANG IN THERE. There are a couple of things that I noticed while reading you message. She started out okay after a little normal angst at going to school. That is a very good sign. Then you said that she suddenly started wanting you do walk her farther in, which you did. Then all the way to the door of the classroom, which you also did. It seems that she might just be deciding how far she can get with all of this. So far, her behavior has caused you to change yours, and it has worked out for her. So, in her mind, why not try to push things a little farther and a little farther? Generally speaking, I believe the best way to handle this is to set a routine, (where and how the two of you are going to separate), reinforce that you love her and will be waiting for her when school is finished, and then leave. Sometimes, the extra attention of having mom and the aide and everyone else getting all upset is enough to re-inforce the behavior. Generally at her age, attention is attention, and especially if everyone is being so overly nice and accomodating to her, she may not have any inclination to change her behavior. In addition, homeschooling her at this point will probably reinforce her negative behavior, and she will likely start these behaviors all over again next school year, so unless you want to homeschool her forever, you'd be better off working to fix this problem now.

There is also the possibility that something at school has changed for her. You could try talking to her about things,and see if there is something specific that is bothering her. You could also (if this is a severe problem) have the school social worker talk to her. There might be some incident that seems very benign to you, or to the teacher, that really upset her. Sometimes kids cannot actually effectively verbalize these things, but they can really cause problems.

Generally, problems like this can be worked out without scarring the child for life regarding school. Sometimes it is just a battle of wills, and since you are the mom, you have to win. It is a little unsettling to think that you have to work so hard to "outsmart" your five-year-old, but just think of the practice you'll be getting for when she is 13:)

There might also be a component of your huband being away, which you may also need to explore with her. Kids pick up a lot more than they let on, and something regarding that might be bothering her as well.

A little about me: I am a stay-at-home mom with a 12, 10,7,and 3 year old, and previous to hanging with the kids, I was a social worker, with girls who lived in a residential facility. I've dealt with a LOT of not wanting to go to school, and I wish you much success:)