Kindergarten Bully - Appleton,WI

"my mom said that you have not learned how to be good yet and you need to work on that."

You don't see that as just as mean as anything that child could say?

My mom always told me two wrongs do not make a right.

Please tell the teacher. As a teacher, I can't emphasize enough the importance of the teacher knowing what is going on in the classroom. Some bullying is subtle, and the teacher won't necessarily see it.

If the teacher doesn't know, she cannot help.

Talk to the teacher, so she can get at the root of this problem. Good luck.

I think there's a marked difference between a rude and bratty child and bully.

Rude and bratty? I would teach my son to ignore it, or to say "come talk to me when you want to be friends" and then go about his business.

A bully isn't just the rude, bratty kid. The bully is a child who scares, threatens and hurts other children. I think it's important to remember this before labeling a child.

If it's bad enough that you are upset about it, talk to the teacher. "My daughter tells me that So-and-So has been saying some pretty hard things to her. Have you noticed this? Can you tell me about that?" The teacher would probably appreciate having it brought to their attention. Maybe your daughter is keeping herself together really well at school. Or maybe the teacher thinks that there's some peer correction happening (when other kids call that child's bluff or walk away from them, choosing another playmate--this makes an impression on many children, more so than teacher correction). Encourage your daughter not to be rude back, but to stand up for herself in healthy ways.

I think SH gave you a lot of good advice, too. As a preschool teacher who has worked with kindergarten-aged children, I would encourage my child to let the other girl know that she doesn't like being talked to like that. Also teach your daughter to be polite, but not to offer the girl any extra information which could get shot down. "Some people just aren't very friendly, but there are lots of other kids who are. Find one of them to talk to."

Added: SH, Bravo!!! That's what I'm talkin' about!!

Original:
All year long your daughter has been plagued by this? You don't want to make a big deal of it by telling the teacher?

I'm sorry, but what you are REALLY doing is enabling this girl to treat your daughter this way. It's high time you make an appointment with the teacher and the guidance counselor and discuss this problem. Since she is not going to learn anything helpful at home, she needs to be taught in school. That means filing a report every single time she acts this way. Have you talked to any of the other mothers? Does she treat their kids like this?

Nothing will change unless you start advocating for your daughter. You need to start NOW unless you want your child stuck with this kid in first grade. You may not even know that other mothers are complaining and "bellying up to the bar" to get their children away from her next year. Anyone who doesn't complain gets to enjoy another year of torture.

When she is in high school, let her work out the meannie queen bees on her own. At THIS tender age, she needs YOU to help her fight her battles. Why does she bother to tell you anything if you don't advocate for her? Get in there and save her, Mama!!

Sending you strength!
Dawn

This has been going on for quite awhile so you need to A) Let the teacher know asap. and B) Tell your daughter to tell the teacher. It's bullying which should not be tolerated, and yes you are correct in calling this girl a bully...she's verbally bullying your daughter. If the teacher doesn't know it's happening she can't help stop it. In no way what so ever are you overreacting. Ask the teacher how she handles it and ask the school principal as well, they should have a plan in place.

Don't tell your daughter to try to be friends and play with a girl who treats her badly. If it were my son I would tell him NOT to play with this child. Tell your daughter to play with the nice kids and ignore this girl and to notify the teacher if she's treated badly.

You're the mother and therefore you need to take action if you want this to stop. Teachers want to know when things like this happen so that they can address it before the children engage in actual troublesome, worrying, bullying behavior. The teachers are trained to get to the bottom of a situation, especially since every child has a different version of the truth. Schools that are progressive will have strict anti-bullying programs, meaning they know how to help ALL of the children involved without a defensive mother teaching her daughter to defend herself with returned rudeness and meanness.

Momwithcamera is right: Be aware that if your child gets too frustrated, she may act out (even the best of kids can only take so much) and then SHE may be the one punished.

You are giving your daughter good things to say, and in time she will take care of things herself. And you are right that we should not intervene so much that our kids can't handle things on their own. She has learned that she can tell mom everything that happens and that mom will guide her; that's great. But she is in kindergarten, not middle school; this is her first real school experience, and she is new at it. It is not "hovering" if you go ahead and talk to the teacher.

Explain -- calmly and without blame -- that this has gone on all year long, not just recently; that your daughter is very, very consistent in what she tells you; that your daughter is reporting other kids' beiing this child's target, not just herself; and that you have probed but not heard of any change in this child's behavior. Tell the teacher you want her to know what your child is reporting. Add that your chilid is not one to get unduly upset or to tattle needlessly, so you believe her reports. And ask what the teacher can do to help this other child who so clearly needs social help now, before she gets worse. One thing that may resonate with the teacher would be if you say that this other child is distracting your daughter to the point that the school day is now often about this kid, and not about what is being learned. As I put it when a boy was really bugging my (much older) child, "This student is so distracting that he is taking up too much of her mental space, and she cannot get away from him since they are in the same classroom all day. So it's about him every day, even though she does not want it to be."

You do not mention whether you are friendly with other parents of kids in the class and whether you have heard from other parents that this girl is an issue. It really helps to be plugged into the parent "network" in a classroom at this age, so you know whether it's just your child reporting these things to you or whether other kids' parents are hearing the same things from their children. It just adds confirmation to what your child is saying and can give some context too -- other parents may know this family better and may be able to tell you that the parents are splitting up, for instance, so the girl is stressed; or that the family recently moved and the girl is upset about it. Those kinds of backgrounds would NOT make her behavior OK, but they could help explain it and help you know that it will pass.

You may be surprised to find that the teacher is already well aware of this girl's behavior and may even be working hard with the girl and her parents to correct it over time. The teacher likely won't tell you that, since teachers won't discuss individual students with other parents, but again, being in the parent network will help you find these things out.

Finally, ask that your child not be in this girl's class next year. I'm going to do that with my daughter and the one boy who is a problem in her class. But he, like this girl, is a problem for the entire classroom, and I bet every parent will say "Don't place my child with him."

Tell her to ask to talk to her teacher in private if this little girl is bullying her.

A word to the wise--sometimes our kid's "versions" of events aren't all that reflective of what's going on in reality. Keep that in mind.
But tell your daughter she can always ask her teacher for a private conversation.

And Jo is correct--two wrongs don't make aright. But, as my son has said--it might make a point.

I have been friends with moms that have no idea how mean their daughters can be. My daughter is very sensitive and always seems to be the at the mercy of these girls. The more she shows how much what they say bothers her, the more they say it. In her kindergarten year I brought it up to the teacher who then turned to the guidance counselor. She pulled them out and went over communication skills with them. It didn't really help much. You just have to teach your daughter to either ignore them or pretend she isn't bothered about it. This is the only time I will let my daughter say, "whatever!"

I will say this though, kindergartners do not know how to express themselves well. I don't know how many times they would say, "you aren't going to be invited to my party!" from other kids and my kids a like. It didn't matter that there was no party. That seemed to be the only way they could express their feelings. They also have no filter. You can teach your daughter to say, "you seem to be upset with me. Why are you sad?" Good luck. We are in second grade now and the drama is even worse.

You are giving your daughter lines to tell to a this girl after the attempting to still be kind didnt work, it's gone on for months and you haven't spoken to the teacher? Have you at least told your daughter to let the teacher know? You are expecting a 5/6 year old to do a parents job. Step up and be an advocate for your daughter. Also, while she is a rude child, this isn't technically bullying.

You are correct, you are an advocate for your baby girl. Since you have already spoke with your daughter and tried to help her in that way, it is time to bump it up. Speak with the teacher, in private and then when you see the little girl's mother, walk directly up to her, I assure you she "sees" you and have a little chat. Start off by saying who's mommy you are and proceed with, I am not sure if you are aware but it seems as though my daughter and your daughter seem to have not been introduced properly and my girl is a little intimidated to walk up and introduce herself so I was thinking we could help these two little ones out because my girl loves to have tons of friends.
Something to that effect, not aggressive but put the ball in her court and I bet this little issue will be rectified quickly.If not, a good lesson for you and your girl, not everyone is meant to be friends and that's too bad but maybe one day the other little girls heart, as well as her mother's will open up. Also teacher will now be aware of the situation too and can maybe help nurture a friendly environment.

I think you are handling this situation quite well, except that YOU need to talk to the teacher about it - especially to find out what's being done in the classroom to mitigate the situation. I think it's important that you find out the school policy about bullying behavior and what programs they have in place that teach children how to behave towards one another.

In our school, we have Character Counts http://charactercounts.org/ and Paw's Laws (Paw's because we're Lions). Paw's Laws constitute how kids are supposed to act in the classroom, hallway, lunchroom and at recess (keep our hands to ourselves, speak with courtesy, active listening, appropriate volume levels, etc). They also have policies in place to deal with bullying or other unwanted behavior. The kids are encouraged to work problems out themselves, but if they can't, then they should tell an adult. We start the program in pre-K and all schools at all levels are on board with it.

Good luck.

I'm sorry that your daughter (and you) are going through this! I really wish I had some good advice for you but unfortunately I do not =( My first grade daughter has had a few issues with bully's this school year and honestly hearing her talk about it after school was more upsetting to me than to her, or so it seemed! I listened to her and would give her ideas / suggestions on how to deal with the nasty talk - ask the person to stop and if they didn't then just ignore their negative remarks and walk away from them. My daughter has really matured these past few months and I'm so proud of how she has learned to stand up for herself and not let the mean girls get to her. I wasn't as concerned with the mean talk as much as I was concerned with the physical bullying that was occuring at recess - I went straight to the teacher when I learned of the physical bullying (pushing, shoving, kicking) because that is completely unacceptable! It was addressed immediately! Her teacher still checks in with me every so often to see if there's been any other issues!

I would definately suggest you're talking to the teacher and maybe she can address the issue with the whole class by talking about being kind to others, etc. I feel like kids these days are so different than when we were younger - the drama starts so much sooner for our little girls - makes me nervous for what the future holds!

"let's try to be friends, wanna play?" Why do you want your daughter to be friends with this child? I agree with a few other posters that this child sounds like a brat, but I wouldn't classify this as bullying. There will be people in your daughters life that don't like her, and people she doesn't like. That's ok, it happens. Instead of "let's try to be friends, wanna play?" have your daughter tell her 'that's not nice, please leave me alone' or something along those lines.

Definitely tell the teacher. It will make her aware the situation is continuing and you might learn that there is more to it than meets the eye. I think you are on the right track of letting your daughter learn to fight her own battles, but she needs to see there are resources available if she's fighting and losing. This will continue throughout grade school - little girls can be vicious. There are some good books out there specifically about dealing with girl drama, search on Amazon, that might help you both out.

My dd went through this in 1st grade and while it was a long drama filled year it actually helped her learn to stand up for herself. The teacher and counselor got very involved and she learned she wasn't alone. This year (2nd) she had a friend who would break rules and blame my dd. I was so proud of dd when she stood up to the girl (one of her good friends) and told her if you are going to let me take the blame when you do something wrong I don't want to be your friend. It lasted 3 days till the other girls in the class started backing dd and the friend apologized and confessed to the teacher.

Well, if your daughter has tried being nice with no success then maybe she just need to stay away from this child when she reasonably can and be polite when she has to deal with her. Not everyone is nice or wants to be friends. Hopefully this girl will learn some better social skills eventually.

I would mention it to the teacher but not make it a big deal. She has probably seen this going on too.

Be careful here. My daughter is a very kind, thoughtful, and considerate girl. She is always concerned with others first. She has told me about others who are mean to her in her parochial school. Some particular girls on a regular basis.

In fact, I have actually watched one knock my daughter off a table. Be careful comes in because our little angel got frustrated or upset about something and punched a little boy. When we ask why, she just says it was an accident. All I can gather is that she really means it was a mistake. You know as in, I know better, but did it anyway.

A note was sent home to let us know what she did and she was punished. My husband had the opportunity to ask the teacher what happened and she just said she really didn't know, that she got frustrated.

I asked my daughter if the little boy forgave her for her mistake and she says yes, they are friends.

All I can say is it is pretty tough to sort out all of these 6 year old feelings. I try not to get too wrapped up in her thoughts and feelings other than tell her to be nice to others. Remember, they are still really immature at 6 years old.

Have your daughter get the other kids together and tell the girl, kindly tell the girl, "We want to like you and play with you but if you keep being mean we won't be friends with you" Role play this with her and hopefully they can show there is strength in numbers.

I feel bad for that little girl, behavior like that doesn't come out of no where but out of dislike for herself and she is building herself up by being mean to others. It makes me wonder what is going on at her house.

Killing with kindness stuff dont work with kids. Kids will be kids and some are cruel. Teach your daughter to stand up for herself. Cause mommy cant always be there. This will probably happen alot as she grow up. If that kid dont wanna be her friend then scew her. Go and play with other kids.

As a teacher I think it is sometimes helpful to say "several of the parents have complained about ....." It tells the parent of the difficult child that it is not just the teacher noticing problems about the child but other adults as well. We cannot "complain" about a child, only offer concerns and suggestions. To be told your kid is the one parents are complaining about sends quite a message, and usually the problem kid is very unhappy and needs help learning to be social. You should talk to the teacher and advocate for the school counselor having friendship groups to teach social skills- the poor kid is clearly not going to learn it at home.

You need to talk to the teacher. You can't expect this to get fixed if no one talks about it.

I hate to say it, but my daughter is the bratty/mean girl in her first grade class. This is not something the girl's parents don't know about. And if they're like my family, it's not something that they're ignoring. Believe me, this child keeps me up at night worrying and trying to figure out why she's like this. I talk until I'm blue trying to get her to understand that it's wrong to treat people the way she does. I've tried so many different discipline styles, we did play therapy when she was a toddler, she has a counselor now. She just is this way. That doesn't mean it's okay and that doesn't mean that you should allow her to be mean to your kid, but please don't be so sure that her mom's not turning away from you out of embarrassment and pain.