Kids Grades

I am reading a great book called 'Screamfree Parenting' by Hal Runkel. I really recommend it. It tells you not to take the kids actions personally. Take a deep breath. They are not out to get you. That needs repeating. They are not out to get you. Be consistant. If you promise them a reward or a punishment, follow through. Even punishments are promises that need to be kept so they trust you. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't make consiquences something that is going to irritate you. And remember, the worst that can happen is that they repeat a grade without their friends. Make sure that they know this, but don't harp on it. It will take them some time to get used to the new system. It is not an overnight thing, but you will be surprised at how well it works. Also, make yourself available for homework help, but don't stand over them with the ruler. Let them make the mistakes. Remember, if you do do weekend rewards and one or more kids haven't preformed, leave them home with the sitter, or whatever. If you do a little work, you can spend more quality time with your kids. It is not all about quantity. Let them see that you working benifits the whole family, not just saving your sanity...=)
They are not out to get you, they are just testing the boundaries to see if you are being consistant. For Kids consistancy = Love.
Good luck
R.

Hi C.,

Never underestimate the power of bribery! Actually, school is your kids' work so paying them for good grades makes sense while you're trying to instill good habits. As they get older they'll just want to keep up the good grades but giving rewards works wonders. You can also use the reward technique for fighting too. If they don't fight during the week they get to go out for pizza, ice cream or whatever on Saturday. If one succeeds and the others don't, take that one out. They are probably acting out because of the change recently made. Somehow, figure out a way to elicit their help so you can work and don't feel guilty because they probably sense it and are working to increase that guilt. The pre-adult and teenager can become your allies.

V.

I see this all the time as a school counselor. Did you know that it is normal for kid's grades to drop at least one letter grade during transitional times? Rather than stress about it, see if you can stream-line your schedule (simplify your activities and do what is only essential while you all adjust). Talk to your children. Tell them what the plan is and what their part is (be specific about what you need the outcome to be). Time management/organization is one of the most important life skills for emerging adults and adults alike. If your plan doesn't work, have a family meeting and have your kids brainstorm with you on how to solve the problem. By including them, they have ownership of the problem and the solution. What a great opportunity to help them learn this important skill.

I found that the older my kids got (I have 5 between 12 and 24) the more I needed to be available to them. Like someone else suggested, unless you need the money for food I would work part time or not at all. You only have a season for parenting your kids...they grow up so quickly. Stay home and give them all you have...they're the most important "job" you have right now.

hi C. =)

have you read Chapman's "the 5 love languages"? i think it is spot on. i think what you are seeing in your family is a reflection of them losing mom back to work. it may have caused your children some insecurities that they may not even be aware of but because of that they might have less tolerance with eachother because they are missing you. if you are working because economically you have to, then you have to, but if it is a choice you might want to re-think it. check out aboverubies.org - maybe you have seen their magazine. it is designed to encourage moms to embrace motherhood because that is what God has designed us to be. i enjoy working and making "my own" money as well, so my hope is that you aren't feeling pressured by society's expectations that women should do it all.

Quit work and stay home if you are finacially able, sounds like they miss their mom.

Hi C.,

A columnist and author on my website, Adelaide Zindler, wrote a book called Fearless Parenting. I suggest you check it out (the Columnist Page): www.sandiegobargainmama.com. She deals with questions and issues very much like you are discussing. As a parent coach she is an expert at helping families regain balance in the household. She comes from a Christian perspective, but is loving and compasionate to all that she comes in contact with. I know her personally, and highly suggest that you send your letter to me and she can personally answer in for a further column.

Best wishes, S. Ross aka San Diego Bargain Mama

Hi C.:
I think your answer is in your question. You said that when you went back to work things with the kids changed. I have twin teens and I can tell you this is a very important time to be a stay at home mom. I worked part time until they were about 8 and found that job was taking too much of my energy and attention from the family. I quit and have been home ever since. Now I am home to see and hear all that goes on.We can talk on the way to school and I can hear what happened during their day on the way home. It has been so rewarding for me and I think them too. We are close and talk about things as they come up. This way I think things can be talked out instead of them "acting out." Kids of all ages need a parent that is available. Is there a way you can stay home a little longer or work part time? I am pretty frugal about spending and use coupons, sales etc. I plan to return to work when they graduate which will be here too fast. I hope this helps. It is a real challenge to raise kids these days. I will say a prayer for you and your family.

"I used to be a stay-home mom, keeping on top of my kids schoolwork and outside activities. Since starting work full-time almost a year ago, I find that my kids seem to have gone amuck. Their grades have slipped, respect has slipped, fighting amongst each other increased, and I just don't seem to have a handle on things." QUIT YOUR JOB AND GO BACK TO BIENG A FULL TIME MOTHER. YOUR KIDS ARE OBVIOUSLY NEEDING YOUR SUPPORT AND SUPERVISION.

Either work part time during the hours they are in school or quit and budget your lifestyle accordingly. They'll all be out of the house before you know it and you can work full time at that point. This is the best thing for your kids. They are at vulnerable age when kids can really get into trouble and be pressured into doing the wrong things.

You're not alone! Make sure there is time to connect each day - dinner together where everyone stays to catch up from the busy day. Consider church activities that have the family together, rather than separate...or weigh them against time as a family. Maybe a family retreat or trip is due. Family nights are not overated - even to teenagers. They might think it's silly to have a "pizza & yatzee" night, but maybe that's what they really want - mom & dad time. Great conversations happen over stranger things.

At this age your older kids really need you around...so at least you know what they are up to and are not getting in trouble. Unless you absolutely have to I would work part time or not at all. The other option is work when your husband is home...

If at all possible, quit your job, even if it means borrowing or taking a loan for extra money. It is so worth the investment in your kids. Kids are much more important than the new big TV, a nice new car, a trip to Hawaii, the new WII system, etc. We have given up all those things so I can stay home with the kids.

Hi C.,

I was interested to read your post because my kids grades have dropped also. I am opposite of you, I am not working. I did have a major medical crisis over the past summer. My two boys (13 and 14) had to go live with their Aunt for a little over a month till I was well enough to come home. I had a surgery to remove endometriosis and after they closed me up, my bowel perferated. No one understood why I was so ill and in pain. The 4th day after my surgery for endometriosis my bowel ruptured and I went into septic shock. I had another surgery where I was given a colostomy. I was in the hospital for over a month due to further complications from peritonitis. I was home in time for the boys' school. The first semester of school the kids were a bit on their own as I was too weak to keep on top of them. Their father had to do it even though he works 40 hours a week. Their grades slipped a little, but we thought they would improve the next semester. I am stronger now and able to keep on top of them better, but for some reason they have been doing worse. They are goofing off more, neglecting to turn in assignments even though they do the work and lying about what they are doing. They are in a private school that is part homeschooling, so I am spending loads of time with them and I still have this happening. It is frustrating to say the least. I suppose it could be due to what happened to our family over the summer, but why are they falling apart now that things are more stable?

I guess what I am trying to say is that just because things are bumpy right now does not mean you are doing anything wrong. It sounds to me like you are a great parent. Just hang in there, I am sure the kids will come around. Just keeping saying your prayers and trying to do all you can for them. That is what I am doing.

God bless!
B.

Switch to partime!! Just because your kids are older doesn't mean they don't need their mommy (even though they act like they don't). At their age, it's just as important to be around and involved so you can keep tabs and communication open. Left on their own while you work is when they can get into worse trouble than fighting with each other. Since all of this started when you stopped being home for them afterschool, it's pretty apparant where it went wrong.

Your situation is exactly like mine was a few yrs. ago. We too have raised our children in church, tried to keep them busy with sports, youth group, etc. & teach them to be upstanding & respectable citizens. We both work full-time (dad is a Realtor, so he also works on the weekend), too. This is a very difficult generation to raise! As far as school & grades are concerned, I suggest that you make an appt. to meet with their teachers & counselors. This will help you figure out if your children need tutoring or if it is "laziness" or he/she is succombing to peer pressure (teacher's pet or "nerditis"). You can also have the teachers e-mail you a weekly report on their schoolwork/homework/test scores. This will help you decide whether they will be allowed to participate in weekend activities with their friends or not. You can also take the TV, computer, & electronic games away. It isn't easy, but you & your husband need to agree TOGETHER on the consequences & STAND FIRM TOGETHER. This is the age that will try to play you against one another, so keep communication open between you & protect your marriage. If they see that you two are "stuck together like glue", they will give up! Make sure too that they are eating "healthy", as food allergies & certain food additives have been linked to causing ADD/ADHD. When these are eliminated, a lot of negative behavior traits disappear & grades improve. Check out the website for this school in Appleton, Wisconsin (http://www.aasd.k12.wi.us/aca/). They were featured on the news several yrs. ago because of the results their school saw in the kids after changing their school lunch program. Last, but certainly not least, pray for them, listen to them & show them love & humor. I hope this helps! I will be praying for you too!

S.

Unless your family cannot eat without your income, I would go part-time or stay home w/the kids a few more years. Alex