There was a recent question about a girl who was feeling left out by a neighbor friend. The majority of the responses were that this happens and the family should expand their circle of friends - with which I agree. However there were a few responses that surprised me a bit - they basically said that they avoid this problem by having friends in organized activities (sports, music, art, etc) where there is always an adult present. Honestly, this makes me sad. Some of my best childhood memories are of running around the neighborhood with my friends; sometimes we were best buds and sometimes we fought like cats & dogs, but we learned to work through it ourselves. Of course we weren't in 10 zillion sports and classes back then (yes, I'm guilty of this with my kids too) so if we wanted friends we had no choice but to play with the neighbor kids.
So how do you feel? Do you limit your kids friends to those they see in organized activities and/or those whose parent's you know? Or do you let your kids make friends with neighbor kids and let them deal with the pitfalls and drama that can come along with it? If you let them play with the neighbor kids do you always supervise it (elementary age and older, not toddlers or pre-schoolers)or do you let them play by themselves?
Thanks Mama's, so nice to get the feedback!
My kids (7&9) are allowed to play out front by themselves. I typically only allow the 7yo out if there is another parent out or if I am in my office which faces the street, but the 9 yo is allowed to roam our street. He has boundaries, no houses or backyards without coming to tell me and no leaving the street without permission, but that's about it. He is allowed to leave the street to visit friends in a 1-2 block radius as long as he has the family cell phone with him. They also play competitive soccer so we are at practices 4 days a week, but every minute they are not at practice/doing homework/doing chores they are outside playing with friends or over at friends houses or playing with their friends over here.
Christine C - Your post made me smile, we have the same kid with the same parents on our street! We just ignore him when he's being a pain; it’s actually taught my son quite a lot about how to interact with difficult people, his skin is much thicker now.
Deana G – Couldn’t’ agree with you more. Once we started trusting my 9yo to be responsible out front we saw an increase in responsibility at school and at home, a totally unexpected and welcome side affect! Since he’s being left alone to work out the little arguments by himself he’s learning to control his temper (and he has a doozy, like Mom, lol) and think before he reacts.
Thanks Ladies!!
Somehow when I walk the neighborhood I ALWAYS end up with kids coming home with me. My backyard is alway filling up with random kids. I don't mind. I rather have my kids home with me where I can watch them.
But... on the other hand I am not about to let me kids go roam the neighborhood and they are definitely not going into someone elses home until I am comfortable with their parents.
I would let me kids play with the neighbor kids. However, most of the kids in our neighborhood are in the zillions of sports and such. I too remember the days you spoke about. Just playing and working out the disagreements. These days it is just so different. Plus, parents just need to be so careful with who people actually are. I recently found out from another mom about an app for my phone about sex offenders. I checked it out and I am scared now. There is one that just moved in right near a friend of mine, who my kids play at her house! So, yes, I would make sure those playdates are supervised if they are outside because I do NOT want that sicko coming near them.
I pretty particular about who my kids spend a great deal of time with. In the neighborhood my kids aren't allowed in anyones home, but they are free to play outside with all the kids. We aren't in a great deal of activities. That being said, I let the kids work out their differences with the kids they hang out with. Sometimes they get along and sometimes they don't. I always feel like kids are far more forgiving than adults are. One minute they are all upset and give them another hour and most of the time it is all worked out. There have been times that I have had to limit my kids from playing with some neighborhood kids. We had one fella that felt the need to flash the girls and pee all over the yard. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if he were little but he was way past the age of knowing better.
We don't limit them to team only friends and only limit their neighbor/school friends if there's a known issue (one of SS's friends was a thief).
As little kids, I do make sure that either the other parent is willing to watch DD or that they are fine with one of us watching their kid. We have friends where we regularly drop off one kid or the other and give the other set of parents a break for the afternoon.
As long as we knew where they were (in general) and they checked in, we let the bigger kids hang out with neighbor kids. There was a group of girls a couple of blocks over that SD used to hang out with and she just had to say "hey, I"m going to M's house now" and that was fine. All the parents talked and agreed to this general principle.
Something I learned with middle schoolers is that there is always drama. If you don't let the kids work through it, I think you're not teaching them conflict resolution. Not everything can be resolved, so you teach them to deal with disappointment and move on. Do YOU get along with everyone all the time? No. Sometimes we make it worse by interjecting too soon. Also, having neighborhood friends means they don't need rides to see their friends and they have someone to walk home with if they are walking from school. It also gives them people they can go to if they are home alone and need someone - there's a fire, they got locked out, etc.
Honestly I love love the fact that my son (8) has friends in the neighborhood he usually pretty good about calling home and giving me the general vicinity of where he will be - the park, the neighbors, I grew up in a very small town so the general rule was be home by the time the street lights come on. I cant see I am that carefree about it but I do feel that kids these days are sometimes to structured and it is sort of sad to watch them struggle with how to "play". My 8 year old when out to play night games the other night just hearing that made me smile I love that.
My kids are in sports but I make sure they have time also to just play. I think it is great when I pull in my driveway (my hubby is home) and my yard is filled with kids. Or one of mine comes in and tells me they are going down the street to play. They have the run of our yard but if they leave it they have to tell me. Other than that they are pretty free. I believe that teaches trust, independence, the ability to work out issues for themselves. I don't get in the middle of disagreements unless it's continued or gone too far (physical).
I agree with you 100% but sometimes I feel the only one that has this opinion ( well my husband shares this opinion) but I am talking about neighborhood kids.
Well on a first note. Yes we do the scheduled but be grudlingly. I fought it for a couple of years but all the neighbor kids were not home because they were all doing acvities. I have them in activites but not a crazy amount. I would rather them social then not at all. Also we are the house were all the kids hang out. Now my youngest just turned 5 yrs ( on Monday) I am usually outside. I play hide-n-seek, manhunt, water fights with all the neighborhood kids. I agree that kids should be able to just play outside HOWEVER one child on my street has a tendencey to order the other kids around. He gets nasty sometimes. I am trying to make my oldest a bit tougher (boy) hes 11yrs
This kid has matured quite a bit but still if there is any problems its always him. All the other 8 kids get along great. His parent are nice but his mom seems to think her son is perfect angel is never held accountable for his nastiness. So I enjoy being outside most of the time he is just a bully sometimes. I let the kids normally work it out unless he is in my house. My kids are 5 yrs (girl) 7 yrs (boy) 11 yrs (boy) the kids are in range 4 yrs to 13 yrs. I do supervise as they have gotten older I am inside more..making dinner or whatever. Plus we live on a quite dead end.. I have learned not to say anything to this other mom. Its not worth it. Overall we all get along we are all decent neighbors. I would say the last 1 1/2 yr I let them play a bit more without me being right there .....but I am always close by..gargage or inside.
I applaud your boldness in posting this question.
Absolutely, YES, I mourn the loss of freedom for children.
I also HATE how judgmental parents are of the "neighborhood kids". What a sad, sad loss for the children of our nation!
I let our sons play in our yard -independently - from about age 4 on.... That 1st year, I watched from inside. The following year, I checked periodically. From about age 7, they were allowed to ride our street....& play with friends without supervision. Age 10 is when they were allowed to ride around the block (which is the total sum of our neighborhood). Teenhood is when they have the run of the small town we live in.....allowed to walk/ride bikes everywhere!
It's a scary, scary world out there. We are fortunate to live in a neighborhood which combines retired couples & young families. We are all diligent about keeping our neighborhood safe.
& as for those scheduled activities: my sons were blessed to live a life without structured play dates! Occasionally, they had friends over.....& that's all it was: playing with friends - at home, out in the street, or around the block! I rarely stepped in on the arguments...allowing them the autonomy to learn coping skills, negotiation, & cooperation.
Oh, & yes, we did sports, Scouts, religion school, & afterschool clubs. But we always found time for our sons.....to play!
Thank you, Mama R.....great question!
