'Keeping My Kids from My Mil'

Uggggh. I can relate. So annoying! Does she work or have hobbies? If not you are screwed. Talk again w hubby and try to get him to hear you. Is their a compromise? I know people are going to tell you to be grateful you have a MIL who babysits 2x a month etc, but there are strings attached. Sucks.

I agree with you and others here that you're not being selfish.

But the bigger issue in your post that you're not focused on is the fact that "My husband agrees with her that I am selfish" and he "still would be thrilled to send them off" to her though he doesn't see them much on weekends himself.

The problem here is not MIL so much as it is dad himself.

We can agree here all day long that you are in the right (and I think you are), but if your husband does not back you up and he does not recognize at all that you make a ton of effort to include and invite your mom already -- then he is a huge problem here. He's taking his mother's side and his mother's word over your side and your word. That's a much deeper issue than "My mom didn't get to have the kids for a sleepover." It sounds like he feels she should see them every time she desires and he is going to push for that.

THAT fact is what would worry me more than MIL's admittedly worrying pattern of feeling so entitled to time with the girls. And yes, MIL has a very entitled attitude that ignores the fact you do include her (it's on her if she says no to invitations).

I would sit down alone first and think through whether he has a pattern of his own, one of doing what mom wants and putting you second to that. A pattern of believing her (and maybe other people too?) before he believes you. If so, you and he may need to have a third party like a counselor to talk with about why he is glad to fob off his kids at the few times he can see them, and why he has his priorities reversed. If this is JUST a one-time thing and he was angry and can admit that and see your side, OK, but do ask yourself if he tends to bend for mom's demands but doesn't recognize your efforts.

She seriously doesn't know her place as a grandma. No freaking way would I put up with that. And let my husband or ANYONE say anything about how *I* parent my kids and how much time *I* want to spend with them....heads would roll. Sorry, you are not being selfish. Your MIL and husband are being idiots.

I suggest scheduling one night per month for your kids with Grandma. Start documenting all the other invites that she declines, so that if she complains again, you can show your husband you aren't trying to keep the kids from her.

And no you aren't selfish!

Keep in mind "it is always the in-laws fault."

I swear I can go to my own family gatherings and hear my relatives say something about their in-law. Of course their precious son is not in the wrong, it is the daughter-in-law (his wife). Since I am removed enough i can hear just how crazy they are.

I think there are worse problems than what you have. Consider yourself lucky. My parents are dead and my husband's parents are self-absorbed. They are all about themselves.

edit: So I will think of it from her perspective. Maybe she feels used and is given the girls when you need to do a grown-up thing on your schedule. I know this might sound weird, but she may want them on her terms too, not just yours.

You do not have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. I like the idea of referring all calls/requests for time to your husband. You can do it nicely, say that obviously there have been some misunderstandings about when she can see the kids so you and hubby have agreed he will schedule all visits with her in the future. Doesn't matter if he agrees or not, just tell her to call him when she asks to see the kids.

You are not selfish.
Your MIL is.
As the kids get older they get busier and they are NOT going to have as much time to go off to MIL's house.
If she's not willing to come to see them at their events, then it's MIL's issue.
And she's trolling for drama and stirring it up with your Hubby (and he's falling for it).
That would not make me feel like I would want my kids spending more time with her - it would have the opposite effect on me.

No, you are not selfish, and your MIL is a PITA. I know about mothers who insist on having the kids to themselves, and it's a control thing. Sorry, she had her turn to be a mother.

However, this is a problem between you and your husband. I think that in a neutral moment, you find out what your husband really wants. Does he want one kid-free weekend a month? That's a valid desire, and would be really good for your relationship.

I think you should arrange for her to take the kids one weekend a month, and enjoy the alone time with your spouse. I certainly understand your wanting to enjoy the time with your kids, but it's good to get away from them too. Utilize the fact that you have a competent (though annoying) grandparent nearby.

First, remember that you and your husband were already arguing. Anything he said needs to be taken with a grain of salt. This is not the time to analyze every detail.

Second, I totally understand wanting to prove him wrong or defend what you did or did not say or point out how hard you are trying. Believe me, I know that feeling!!!

But, consider this ... Ask her what she would like. Talk to her about what she would like to be able to do with the girls. It seems pretty clear that she's not interested in coming over for dinner or going to their soccer games. Ask her what she would like to do with them. Call her and say, "I know you haven't had many chances to see the girls lately. Let's look at our calendar and see what we can come up with."

You shouldn't have to do that. You really are trying and rather than talk to you about what she wants, she's just getting upset and blaming you. So be the bigger person. Reach out to her differently. Let her know that you do care, you do want her to be happy and show her that you are willing to rearrange things a bit.

you are not selfish, of course. you're in a great situation- i'm SO happy for you that you now get your weekends with your girls and are making the most of them. i worked so much when my boys were small. i can totally understand that you don't want to give up what you've got now.
but i do feel some sympathy for the MIL. she's been used to having all that glorious grandma time, and now it's been (in her eyes) snatched away from her.
it sounds as if she is being somewhat inappropriately inserted into the 'brawl.' and it's possible that your husband is either using his mom as a shield to score points on you, or that he's feeling torn between the two of you if she's nagging him on the sidelines. either way, the solution isn't to give up your time with your kids, nor to punish your MIL by keeping them from her.
just know that you really have been the good egg in this situation by making sure the other family members feel involved and invited. and be aware that your MIL probably DID say what your husband claims, but that the tone and emphasis was likely very different. in the heat of battle, a variety of weapons gets whipped out.
can you have a frank talk with your MIL? something like 'candace, darryl mentioned something last week that concerns me. he said that you told him that you feel i'm keeping the kids from you. i want you to understand how delighted i am that you are so much a part of the kids lives, and how very very much they love you. we feel very fortunate to have such an involved and loving grandma for our children. i know you're seeing less of them since i'm home on the weekends and reveling in my own extra time with *my* children. obviously they won't be at your place for sleepovers twice a month, but we'll make sure they still happen sometimes and that you have plenty of other time with them too. what else can we do to make sure you still feel a big part of their lives?'
and give your husband a conk on the head and remind him that he's lucky to have a wife who IS so committed to keeping his parents in the picture. the problem here is certainly more between you and your dh than your MIL and the kids. so start there, but do keep your MIL in the circle.
i'm sure this is fixable!
khairete
S.

Not selfish in my opinion. At least you truly know you are including her in everything. Good for you! I can see her point of wanting alone time once in a while. Maybe take up the offer for a date night once a month? But i am a firm believer that your husband should be the one to say no or to talk to her. By all means, you do not want to be the bad guy and she will always love him. Good luck.

I don't think you are selfish at all for making sure you children have rounded activities, OR for taking what time you can with them. SHE is the adult in this situation. She is the one who should bend for the children, not the other way around. If she wants to see them, she will incorporate herself in their lives, not force you to incorporate them in hers and blame you if you don't.
I don't have any advice for you here because people like that are always going to act like a wronged party, just take pride in knowing you are doing well by your kids.

Ahhh, the dreaded IN-LAWS! Well if it were me, i would sit my DH down and explain that you are not the problem, he is. He needs to be taking your side and trying to keep the waters calm with you, not his mother. He made his wife and his kids his priority when he said "i do". You know honestly, it doesnt sound like this is really an issue. I think with what you have explained, it can be worked out. Just start communicating and just let him know, when the girls and i have plans, I am not purposely keeping them from your mother, and if she doesnt understand that, then that is her problem, but i have a right to spend time with my girls too. I think with a little communication you can work past this! And yes, feel lucky because my in laws could literally give TWO S**** about their son and our kids. they are also self absorbed and only pick and chose which grandchildren they favor and mine are not one of them. Sad, but true. Good luck mama!

Don't be manipulated by your husband and you MIL to give up your time with your girls! Your MIL can believe/say whatever she likes, but you have been very gracious and open to her and that is NOT selfish.

I'm sure that your MIL loves your kids. Unfortunately, it sounds as though she likes being in control more than she likes being part of a family. You don't have to play into that! Her role is changing and she has got to be okay with that. She got to enjoy raising her family and it's your turn to enjoy raising your girls. She has a supporting role that can bless both her and your family, if she chooses.

I hope your husband gets a clue. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be. I am the DIL in a similar situation, but my husband has stood in the defense of our family countless times. I hope your husband wakes up!!!

The mother in law that treats the daughter in law like an interloper into "HER" family has a small heart indeed.

No you are not selfish.

Fix the problem. Refer the calls to your husband. It sounds silly, but it works. It's his mother, he can deal with her. It sounds to me like you tried and it didn't work.

Can she pick them up from your home sometimes and take them to their practice? If so, let her do that.

Let her also have some time with the girls and your hubby while you go get your mani/pedi, run errands, or spend time with your girlfriends.

Pretty soon she may tire of what she is now asking.

Look on the bright side, she really loves your girls.

HOLY WOW!!!

She has so much more time with grandkids than most people it is UNREAL!!!

How dare your husband.

She is digging ing her heels way too much on demands for your kids regularly "alone at her house" or it doesn't count.

NO, you are not selfish to want your family time weekends. I'm so sorry she has gotten her way this long and now it's not good enough, and she tells fibs. You've been so nice. Don't feel bad. Don't cave in. Remind your husband whose side he should be on. YOURS!!!!

Spending time with Grandparents is awesome but there is no more important relationship for your kids than your nuclear family. Shame on your MIL for not realizing and supporting that.

Make sure you and your husband are on the same page as to communications with her and then do what you want. You are kind to extend so many invitations to her and it sounds like she'll get her sleepovers in due time. Don't spend another minute worrying about it, you are not being selfish.

Enjoy those precious weekends. Life is so busy it's important to just relax and have fun with our kids. It's those quiet times when important things come up, conversations that would never happen during the frantic pace of day to day life. Good for you for protecting that.

She's gaslighting you through your husband. That is seriously dysfunctional, narcissistic behavior and I wouldn't put up with it. But you can't really put your foot down overtly, or she'll play the "oh, poor me! You're so cruel to me! Look, son, what your mean ol wife has done!" card.

I suggest that every offer you make, you follow it up with a text. "Are you sure you don't want to come to the pumpkin patch on Sunday? We'd love to have you!" And then her answers will be right there along with your offers. Proof that you've asked and she answered.

As much as I agree that your husband is in the wrong here, you're going to be hard pressed to get your husband to stand against his own mother. So don't. And don't stand against her yourself. Just continue to offer, be reasonable and fair. You deserve to have time with your kids...AND you deserve and SHOULD have some alone time with your husband without kids when you have the opportunity. Consider and do what is best for your marriage and family (not ONLY the kids). That's never selfish.

I think your biggest problem is your husband. He is disengaged. He is not around on the weekends very much, but he thinks YOU'RE selfish? What is he doing that is so much more important than his children and his wife? If he has a second job that is essential to the family income, that's one thing. If he is working hard so they can have soccer and braces and college tuition, that's admirable. But he's not standing up for you when his mother criticizes you, no matter how incredibly included and involved she is? So how is it that he's "a good dad"???

So either he takes over all the scheduling of their parties and soccer games and activities, and he works out the schedule with his mother, or he backs you up starting today. If he cannot schedule their activities, he will have 2 crying children who are missing their growing up years, and he can sit home on weekends and console them, explaining why they cannot play soccer or go to a birthday party. All phone messages and emails and party invitations can be piled up on his side of the bed. He can also cook the family dinners o the nights his mother wants to come over.

Okay, so that's not going to happen, right?

But perhaps a good sit-down, explaining that he's abdicating his role as a father and everything that means, would be a good idea. You are the one doing the parenting, giving your kids the snuggles and the down time as well as the social life and athletic activities. He apparently is content to have them grow up to choose men who hand over the childrearing to their own mothers and then aren't around to be a role model - is that the plan?

You are also giving his mother a social life. If she had weekends to help out, it would be nice if she did it magnanimously instead of to put herself in the role of primary caregiver and moral compass. If she is so attached to her role as sole provider, it was more than "helping out" to her - she wants the kids alone and not as part of a family. Maybe she doesn't feel sufficiently thanked even though you have gone out of your way to do so? Maybe something more formalized to thank her would help? A gift certificate, a framed poem to display in her home, even one of those awards trophies or plaques you can make up at any trophy store? But maybe that's not enough for her? Has she given up all activities in favor of her grandchildren and now she has no life?

So there's some major dysfunction here, and if you can't work it out through a conversation, then I think family and marriage counseling are the next step. But no, this cannot continue. As the kids get older and have activities with friends that even the parents are not invited to (movie dates and afternoons at the mall and high school football games), and as their homework increases to (sadly) impact the duration of family dinners, Grandma is going to have much less time with them. And she and your husband will make that YOUR fault. I think you need to get on top of this sooner rather than later.

Make it go like this

"Honey, you know we have that thing with the Smiths this Friday evening. Would you call your mom and see if she'd like to have the kids do a sleep over on Friday evening? XXX has a birthday party at 2 so you'll have to pick them up by noon so they can eat lunch and XXX can get ready to go".

"Honey, why not call your mom and invite her to the soccer game tomorrow, I know she misses the kids. She should spend more time with them".

"Honey, I'd like to spend the weekend with you at a little bed and breakfast over in the next town over, why not call your mom and ask her if the kids can come spend the weekend? We can pick them up on Sunday afternoon"?

Out of your court and into his. Then his mom will be telling HIM no and showing herself to be uninterested.

H.,

Stop entertaining her in this sick game. Invite her, and let her decide.

You can't and won't convince intractably stubborn and impossible to please people that you are "right" or "fair" or whatever.

So stop playing this game with her. Simply extend the invitation to her (more preferably in the presence of your husband), and if she declines, it's on her--- her choice that she chooses not to go to events with you and your kids. Her choice that she declines family dinner invitations.

It does sound like there are some upcoming weekends where it would be possible for the girls to have sleepovers at her house. If that works with her schedule, then great! Get it on the schedule now.

If it doesn't work, let her know that there will be other times when there aren't so many sports events, birthday parties, etc. going on where they can have the occasional sleepover, and then make sure you make that happen.

It most certainly does not have to be every weekend or even on a regularly scheduled date. You are under no obligation to ANYONE to give up your precious time with your kids every weekend. Arrange periodic sleepovers, and if she still continues to grouse, you just have to be at peace knowing you've done what you can.

It sounds like you feel hurt that your husband seems to be siding with his mother. Is that a pattern for him, or is it just in this instance? It's important for spouses to support one another and help minimize drama-starters---even if those others are close family members. Maybe, during a less heated time when these problems aren't happening, you and your husband can talk about this and you can share how you feel about your efforts not being supported. If this is indicative of a larger problem between you two, maybe couples counseling can help you solidify your family/parenting front.

Best to you and your family,

J. F.

Here's the problem. You wrote in your SWH,
"so I think that while I'm trying to facilitate him reaching out and making the effort with her, he prefers her to get the kid on weekends or whenever so she'll feel like he's got his obligations to her taken care of, no muss, no fuss on his side. "
So you have to "facilitate" your husband standing up to his mom and in the meantime, he wants his mom to have the kids whenever she wants so she's not mad at him. Say what??!!!

she wants time with kids, but only on her schedule and only if she has them at her house, and when you try to invite her along so you and her and the kids can do something , she says no..then gets pissy because you supposedly didnt include her..sorry, but, you gave birth to them, not her, if she only wants to see the kids at her home, and then refuses and gets pissy if you had other plans with them, then thats just too bad..if i wanted that kind of drama in my life, i would pay for it. now, if the mil wanted to call in advance and say, gee, have you made plans for the kids for next weekend?? can i bring them by here for the afternoon? that would be one thing, but she is expecting you to just drop everything and do as she expects, and then whines when she doesnt get her way..co operation is a two way street.your husband shouldnt be putting himself in the middle, if your mil cant fight her own battles, she shouldnt start them...been there. done that. K. h.