My ds is 10 my dd is 8 we are friends w a family that has two girls approx. those ages. We have had occasional playdates in general the mom prefers everything to be at her house.. The kiddos came up with a plan to have a sleepover. I know and trust the mom and am confident that the kids will be supervised and safe. The plan is for all 4 plus the mom to camp out in their large play room, watch a movie eat pizza and zonk out, dad will be there probably for the movie but she only mentioned herself sleeping on couch to supervise.
I think I'm good with this all, but wanted to get other mom's perspectives to make sure I'm not being blind to something that could be a potential problem.
The first thing I'm a little worried about is my kids are a bit more wild/high maintenance than the other kids. Mine are by no means bad at all, but while her's maintain indoor talking voices mine can get loud. hers sit daintily mine bounce around , but never ON the furniture, if that helps paint the picture, I'm just worried my kids will be too crazy or do something super gross and she won't like us any more. silly I know.
the second smidge of a worry is that we are setting precedence for boy girl sleepovers and I'm not sure if that is just super ok and fine and dandy or maybe something I want to be very clear with my own kids and the other family about co ed sleepovers being ok as young kiddos but not really something we will do after puberty, or am I wrong and co-ed sleepovers are never a problem at any age?
part of me wants to make sure we aren't giving them opportunity to play Dr or i'll show you mine if you show me yours kind of thing. and if that were to happen, I'm not sure how to handle it, my first thought is kids will be kids and are just curious, but I'm not sure how I would feel if it was MY kid involved in it. while I know she will supervise I also know leaving the room for 10 mins to make popcorn and get drinks is enough time for kids to do something like that.
IS talking to DS about how it's important not to give into any of that curiousity just going to plant the idea in his mind? we have had some small talks and he has a sister so I don't think he has any burning questions at the moment, but if the other girl was curious I could totally see my son obliging her with a quick peek, and then being super embarrassed and confessing to me...
I'm being silly about this right??? It's not really this sleepover I'm worried about as I think mine will mostly be on their best behavior but if this happens even once a year, in a few years they will be very comfortable with it and could push boundaries a bit.
It will be fine. You are WAY overthinking this. Go out and have a good time while they're at the sleepover.
The mom can probably handle it.
Does your son want to go?
If so--The mom will be there.
No worries.
No talks, there won't be opportunity.
You're overthinking.
If your kids are wild/high maintenance the mom will figure that out eventually. You won't be able to keep it a secret by not letting them go for a sleepover. Either she will accept your children for who they are or she won't.
Do not suggest to your son that he shouldn't show his stuff to the girls. You could remind him to be modest and make sure he changes in private and gives the girls privacy. I think that ten year olds are already past the "I'll show you mine" stage. By ten they have usually already seen what the opposite sex looks like and had a family life class or two at school.
I don't see it as setting a precedent. Each situation is different. Just because you allow your ten year old son to sleep over with a couple of girls in a highly supervised situation doesn't mean he is then allowed to sleep over at his girlfriends house when he is 13.
When I read your title I immediately thought no.
After reading your question-I have sent my kids on co- Ed sleepovers. The first one was next door in a pop up camper. Many adults stayed over too, and I was there until everyone was asleep. We were right next door if they woke up-and we provided flash lights.
The second was with another trusted fam. My oldest is ten, the youngest was 5 (the only boy also 5). I felt completely comfortable because we know the family well and the most mischievous thing these kids would do is 'sneak' a snack. Which they did.
If you're worried-then just don't take the chance.
Sorry, but I wouldn't do this. Between your kids being very rambunctious and setting the precedent for future coed sleepovers, my answer would be NO. When your kids ask "Why can't we do it with my friend from school?" you're going to have to tell them why, and I promise you that the reason will get back to the other parent and hurt feelings.
The other thing to consider is that your kids MAY misbehave enough that they will not be invited back, and then you lose a friendship. Sometimes too much "togetherness" isn't good for kids.
All the second-guessing you're doing here - forget the second-guessing on "playing doctor," you're worried about whether your kids will be too rambunctious -- tells me that you really don't know this other family all that well. You mention only "occasional playdates" and you also seem to feel that the other parents simply don't realize yet that your kids are more "high maintenance" and louder than theirs.
So it's clear that your family and this other family are friendly but not actually close, right? The co-ed part isn't thrilling but it's not a reason not to do this -- if the kids all get along, if the host parents really know your kids well, if you are totally cool with the idea that these other parents will be free to tell your kids what to do and to pipe down, or even to order one of your kids to leave the room for a while if things get really crazy. And your post sounds to me like you would not be OK with that. You're worried about whether these parents would be turned off by your kids' personalities, basically; you want the parents to like your kids, well, too much; if they really knew your kids already this would not worry you so much. If you have to worry about that, then you are not close enough to these parents to send both your kids over at once for so long a period of time.'
As for setting any precedent: You're the parent. You can say yes to a co-ed sleepover at 8 and 10 if it really works and you trust the whole situation (which you don't), and then you CAN say no to it the next time. It's not a precedent that your kids can present to you like little lawyers, saying "Aha! You let us do this that other time so you have to let us do it again!" Nope, if you're the adult and in charge, you can say, "That was then, this is now, and the answer is no."
But I still wouldn't do this. Even if both your kids were girls and there were no co-ed part to this question, you don't seem confident about your kids' behavior and you're too worried what the other family would think. I'd say no on that basis alone.
I have a boy and a girl.. they see each other no mysteries here. I doubt my son would have any interest in seeing another girl naked.. he sees his sister daily. (not like we are nudists but they get dressed and undressed and they are not modest)
The two sisters may have never seen a naked boy. I had my kids in the ladies locker room and changing them as quick as possible. and a little girl int he locker room just stared at my sons man parts..
So ... I really think you are worried for nothing.. 8 and 10 are not all that interested in playing dr.. but if co ed sleepovers are not your thing.. .. say no.. or go along and have fun with the kids and bring them home to sleep after the pizza an movie..
They'll be supervised. You're being silly. I wouldn't say a word, because the other kids' mom is going to be right there with them.
In a few years it will no longer be appropriate to have coed sleepovers. Right now, it is.
For your first concern, the other mom already knows your kids and if she wasn't comfortable with their behavior, she wouldn't have invited them for a sleepover. So don't worry about that.
Second, my oldest son was good friends with a few girls through early middle school. He used to sleep over one girl's house on a regular basis or go away with her family for weekends to their cabin probably through age 12 and then they drifted apart into separate social circles. Nothing in appropriate ever happened, they were just good buddies who liked to hang out.
I wouldn't worry about the "you show me yours" kind of behavior. The kids are 8 & 10, not 5 & 3, and there are siblings involved. Ick. They're old enough to know better and to find the other gender either totally uninteresting or gross. I really think that you're going somewhere in your head that isn't really an issue at all.
As far as boundaries when they're older, cross that bridge when you get there.
Okay, so your son will be the ONLY boy.
He is 10.
The girls are 8 or so?
IF you are not comfortable with it, then just say no.
You don't have to be all apologetic about it or over think it.
If you are not liking the idea for ANY reason, legitimate or not, then just say no.
You are the Mom.
That is your right.
Don't just feel you have to make a decision to let them go, just to be or "appear" agreeable and a "cool" Mom or just to give in to peer pressure etc.
Don't you want your kids, to learn how to not give in to peer pressure either etc.? You are their example. Even if it is not per this particular situation.
You teach kid how to gauge... situations. HOW to gauge it AND discern it.
I always taught my kids that.
Going back, your son is 10. The girls are younger.
Sure they all know each other.
But he'd be the ONLY boy there. Will he actually have fun and want to do girl things???
Whatever.
But your kids playdates with them have been "occasional" at best. Its not like they are close family friends who you see every weekend or on a regular basis.
So if YOU are not comfortable about it, just say no.
Stand up and be proud of your decision.
And you explain to your kids... that at that age, mixed gender is not something comfortable etc. If that is your take on it, and that is your family's... rules, etc. for them. You are not that family and they are not you, and you/your Husband has different ideas etc.
I have a 11 year old daughter, and quite frankly, she would NOT want to go to a mixed sleep over, with YOUNGER kids.
10 years old is 5th grade. Or maybe 4th grade in your son's case.
Whichever.
But most kids I know who are that age, would not want to go to a sleepover with younger kids nor mixed gender... UNLESS it was a relative/cousins/or a family friend's family that they grew up with and knew well.
And my son is 7... but he would NOT want to be at a sleep over in which he was the ONLY boy. Even if he knew all the other kids.
It is your right to choose, your decision about it.
Not let your kids or that family, decide.
These are your, kids.
And that family is people your kids see... "occasionally."
And just in terms of sleep overs in general... kids do not just watch a movie, eat snacks and then, zonk out.
No. They stay up... chatting/playing etc. and generally fall asleep or go to bed, much later, than their typical bedtime.
We have sleepovers at our home, a lot. For my daughter's friends and her, since she was about 9 years old.
And it also depends on the overall dynamics... of the kids.
And, at least for us, when we had sleepovers here... NONE of the kids, even wanted to just SIT and watch a movie. They were too busy. They did other things and played other things. But appropriate things.
Do your kids even know how to call home?
They'll all be in one room for sleeping with parental supervision? I guess I'm not sure why you're worried they'll play doctor. My daughters have grown up with my BFF's children since the day each was born and so at some point they've all seen each other in their birthday suits. The curiosity is not only not there, but it's stamped out into the ground with the heels for good measure. They're all very modest and respectful of each other's privacy and they feel like siblings. When my daughters sleep over my BFF's house she's allowed to discipline my girls as she would discipline her son and daughter (who are my girls' ages).
Two of my daughters are pretty challenging. They're not naughty, just challenging personalities. That's MY issue, not anyone else's. Here's a hard lesson I had to learn:
At some point, you have to learn to trust your children. Give them appropriate warnings ahead of time about behaving politely and kindly, and obeying when they're in someone else's home and give the other parents permission to give them limited disciplinary power. Then trust that they'll make you proud and if they have a moment or two where they don't, they'll handle discipline gracefully enough that it won't require a phone call to come pick them up.
There's that whole saying "if you have to ask".....
Sounds like maybe there's a bit of a disconnect between your families. Unless you are 100% at ease, then it's okay to say no. Just because the kids have cooked up a plan doesn't mean it must-- or should- happen. (Who is in charge, right?) My son and his friends come up with a lot of grand schemes-- doesn't mean I am obligated to go through with them. And if the mom is only having the playdates at her home, that puts a question mark in my mind.
I will say, though, that you do want to teach your kiddos that bouncing on couches and such at other people's homes is verboten. I'm not saying that to be picky, but more 'if this is something that you are worried about...'-- good idea for them to know that the world is not their playground and to differentiate between what is appropriate at home versus other people's houses. At 8 and 10, this should be part of their knowledge about how to be in the world.
Why not send your daughter to stay the night and tell your son he can have the run of the house with a male buddy that same night at your house?
What I hear is just a lot of what ifs. If you're not 100%, you can say no. You can say no to the whole thing or parts of it. And if you are not sure your son would reject advances, that is a whole other topic.
When my SD was younger, some of her friends would not stay the night if SS was home. We respected that and the girl got picked up at 11PM and went home.
Well, My parents had a party every year and all the kids camped out in the tents. It was co-ed, these partie were started when I was 6-8 years old and kept going until we were in our teens. There were never any problems. but then again the ages went from 8-16 with a total of about 15 kids. One year it rained so we were all in the garage from one end to the other. Never any problems.
I think all will be fine.
