Jr. High Girl Can't Skate Before Her Mother and I Get to Know Each Other?

Over the top. Skating is a public activity. And the girls are old enough to not really need supervision.

I cannot believe she was "asking around" about you. I would stay away from that family. There is a difference between being cautious and being judgmental. I have little doubt this women is the type that only lets her child be around people just like her. The world really isn't that scary of a place. It's not like you were asking her to sleep over! It's ice skating!

Back in the good ol' days-this is how it was done-and it is still a good rule-she is just being picky about the well-being of her child; she doesn't know you and she is not judging you at all and has no preconceived notions. That's why she wants to get to know you. don't take offense-it looks like you've already made the first cut.

Yea I would just suck it up and do it, if it were me. Poorly worded...but well intended

**If CW sees this** Actually no it isn't. My kids are extremely social and make friends everywhere they go and each have a group of kids they play with all the time. I just attempt to get to know a parent too because 1. You are more then a parent..you are a person and deserve interaction and 2. There are plenty of safety reasons as to why you should also get to know the parents in this comment section alone.

Wow-- a parent who would like to know the adults who would be around her daughter! What a breath of fresh air. I think this is more about finding out if you are the kind of parent who lets her kid do what she wants (and who might allow her kid to also get up to no good) or if you are on the ball. Me? I would not take it personally... they obviously see a lot at middle school. Some kids are into drugs and sex, sometimes at the house while the parents are home. She figures that if your kids do hit it off, she wants to feel comfortable knowing who you are and where her daughter is, what she might be up to.

Middle schoolers cannot always be trusted to be 100% up front with their parents about what goes on at their friends' houses. I think this mom is smart and bold in saying she wanted to get to know you. Do I think she could have been a little more socially apt in imparting that?Absolutely. But I can say as a mom that I wouldn't send my youngster off -- at any age-- to hang out at a house where I didn't know the parent well enough to feel good about it. People can decide to feel judged and offended that a person actually really cares about how their kid spends their time... or you can try to make friends with the lady. Meet up with her, she could be a blunt gal and quite a gem.

ETA: by the way, I noticed you changed your question significantly, slanting it to make the mom look worse than she first appeared? Didn't like the answers you were getting? Are you that bent on being offended? How sad...
... and I think that the people who would choose to be offended by this are missing the point entirely-- it's about the kids, not about US.

Last year an 8th grader at our school was shot and killed while visiting a friend's house. The boys found an unlocked, loaded gun and played with it. Quite frankly, I don't give a sh!t if my needing to know who supervises my kid offends them. That's my job. Just because they're in jr high doesn't mean they all come from good homes or are well supervised, and I can't imagine feeling offended by another parent's need to know. I'd rather know that now than find our after something tragic happens.

ETA: Pretty lousy of you to change your question to make her sound crazy. Sorry, but now I think you're the crazy one. You didn't like that she was getting support for her position so you had to make her look worse. Boo on you.

I don't see an issue with a mom wanting to get to know the mom(family)of a daughter's potential friend. Why are you offended and feeling judged? She didn't state one comment that sounds as if she were passing judgement on you and your family as much as she stated that she wants to know what type of people her daughter may very well be spending time around.

If you don't want to pursue this then don't.

I wish more parents were like her, we would live in a better world, don't you think?

I'm not good with wording things, and perhaps thats what turned you off about her. Sounds like you may be judging her for being so involved in her daughters social life, but I don't see that she is judging you.

Why in the world would you be offended? The woman wants to get to know you and your family before she sends her daughter to your house. Sounds pretty wise to me!
If only ALL parents cared about where their kids were going!
L.

This is all the more reason for your daughter to be friends with this girl... You can be pretty sure nothing funny will be going on at their house.

I would not feel offended or judged. This is her rule and not at all about you. I do think she is a tad bit overprotective though.

ADDED: You changed your original post.

There is nothing for her to judge because she does not know you yet.

There is no reason to be offended because you didn't offend her. Good for her for looking out for her child.

I would feel judged and offended if she got to know you and then said "no".

It seems odd if your kids have been in school for a long time and you have met a few times already. But honestly, I would be cautious, too, about another person I do not know transporting my child to a third location when I know nothing about them nor their habits.

It's a lot easier to ask to get to know you some than to ask all the questions she can likely figure out from spending a little time with you.
Do you smoke? Do you smoke in the car?
Do you drive safely or do you talk and text and put on makeup while you drive?
Do you swear? Do you talk down to your kid and call them stupid or belittle them in other ways? Tell them to "shut up"? Do you act like another one of the teen girls when the girls are together, or do you distinguish yourself as the responsible adult in charge?
Who ELSE might be around when her daughter is there?

I don't know you, nor exactly how old your daughter is. But, I will be honest. She was judging you. And good for her. She has that right and I don't blame her. She may find you perfectly acceptable and a good example, or she may find things about you that she prefers to discuss with her child before (or after) she spends time at your home or under your watch.

I actually LIKE when other parents want to meet me. I want to meet them, TOO.

My kids are 15 and 12. My daughter has a friend from 3rd grade that she met that year (her first time in public school). I did not know her family, and in public school it can be really difficult to get to know parents if they do not come to the one school party they kids have. Even then, it is tough.

The girls became pretty friendly, and we had her over to spend the night for a birthday. And the mom ended up hosting my daughter for a lunch out and a movie. But she never invited daughter to spend the night. And I was glad. She was not married, but they lived with her boyfriend. I had no issues with the woman, nor her child, but would not have wanted my daughter to spend the night at her home. Judgey? Sure. That's my right, to judge who will be watching over my vulnerable impressionable young daughter.
Now.. fast forward.
The girls are in 7th grade now. Few weeks ago, daughter was invited to a sleep over party for her. The girls had not been in close touch outside of school much for the last year... they did things, but at other venues. Come to find out, since we'd last had any real conversation (mom and me) she had moved out, begun dating someone else, and gotten MARRIED to another guy completely! I had never met the man. Never been to where they now lived. Nothing.
You can bet, we chatted for a good hour before I agreed to let daughter go to the sleepover. And, when I dropped her off, I went in, met new husband and stayed and chatted with him as well (along with mom) for a good 30 minutes. Frankly, I liked him a lot more than her previous boyfriend. I had an instant "this is a good guy" vibe from him, which I didn't get from the previous one.
Saw him (and her) next morning when I picked her up, too. And last night, actually, at a school function. Stepping up being there for his new family.
Would I let her go with just him? No. But I would be okay with him picking up the two girls together or running them to the movie or something. The other guy... no. I wouldn't have.
Various reasons. But that is MY prerogative to make that decision.

It's ok for parents to judge other parents. I'm so tired of this idea that seems to be fomented that it is NOT ok. Why not? That's, you know, my JOB as a parent... to make judgments about what my child is taught, exposed to, etc.
Does that give me the right to criticize you and your choices? No. And I wouldn't. But I would most certainly tell my child I do not agree with whatever I find inappropriate and allow or disallow her interaction based upon whatever my criteria are.

So, all that said,
Unless she says something totally rude to you, then I would be GLAD that she is interested in the kind of person you are. She is a caring parent, who likely would be the kind of parent you could be comfortable letting YOUR kid spend time around. Just another way to look at it.

---
By the way, wanted to make a note, that the mom in question is a teacher. So it may be that she meets a TON of parents. And her emphasis on "really" getting to know you might have been as simple as a distinction between the parental meet and greet on Open House night and an actual getting to know something about you.
I'm not a teacher myself, but I've been to plenty of open houses over the years and met almost every single one of both of my kids' teachers over the years (it gets harder in high school, b/c sometimes the classes change after open house and you there isn't a 2nd open house for 2nd semester classes).
But under no circumstances would I consider that "meeting" of the teacher adequate to gauge whether I would trust my child in their household or in their car, or under their supervision elsewhere. And I am pretty confident that the teacher would have the same feeling about that "meeting" being an inadequate (and frankly inappropriate) getting to know you time. So maybe it is just a distinction she was making from that perspective.

--
eta (again) ... you've edited your original post. Just wanted to point that out, in case some chiming in late are wondering about any peculiarities mentioned in early responses... like the "really getting to know you" comment. And that the fact that you are new to a private school wasn't specified. And I don't recall, "She told me she has been asking about us and what people said." being in the original post, either.

hmmm... also just noticed that you changed what you said originally.. first time out, you said that you offered to take her daughter to the skating rink for the girls to skate. NOT that you offered to meet them there and stay and supervise.
Sorry... but all these little changes affect how this woman comes off. NOW she sounds a little kooky. When you were asking to TAKE her daughter, that is totally different than meeting them there. Do you not see that?

This is what caring and involved parents do. They just don't always say it to your face. I think that being faced with the words is what's bothering you. Let her follow whatever process she needs to follow. Unless you are insecure or have a point to prove, let this be her issue alone.

PS. You didn't invite her to sit with you and spend time together chatting while the girls would be skating. You offered to be there to supervise her daughter in her absence. I would not have taken you up on that offer, either. She doesn't know you and, therefore, doesn't know that accepting your offer would be any better than leaving her daughter with no supervision or--worse--dropping her right into the lion's den. Don't be offended that people who don't know you choose not to trust your intentions just yet.

ETA: Omg, here we go with the name-calling. Maybe her response lacked tact. Maybe the poster relayed it here more directly and tactlessly than it was originally expressed. Maybe this mother is socially awkward and didn't mean for it to come out like that. She wasn't saying no to skating. She was saying no to leaving her kid in the care of a stranger, which is what you are. Why are we so quick to label and judge the mothers who are just trying to do what they perceive their jobs to be? "Helicopter mom" is such a disrespectful and offensive term, used to criticize a parenting situation that is looked down upon and likely misunderstood by the one doing the labeling. Those "helicopter" parents could just as easily go around accusing them of setting their kids up to work stripper poles. And they'd still feel superior and wronged by someone who would say such. SMH.

Wow. It must be hard for all of the children of the people that responded to make friends. While I appreciate that people want to know who they are dropping their kids off to, I think expecting the parents to be good buddies is too much. I would appreciate some more adult friends but I don't know if I have the time for an in depth getting to know you test for everyone and I don't think my kids have the patience either. In our area kids are in and out of each others houses and the adults my have just said hi in passing. I feel sorry for this teacher's daughter. Either she is going to be really sheltered or rebel majorly.

She seems a bit protective, but actually smart. It's a good idea at this age to connect with the families of your children's friends. This is the age where suddenly they're befriending kids left and right, and suddenly instead of really knowing your kids' peers (and whether or not their parents have the same views as you on overall supervision, media usage, preventing access to alcohol and drugs, etc.), you don't really know the kids they hang with and their families as well as you might wish to know them.

Don't be offended - have the mom and her daughter meet you and the rink and see if you two click, or invite her over for coffee. This isn't about her not trusting you, she doesn't trust anyone.

My two oldest are 15 & 16 you'd be shocked at how many parents out there are total idiots with kids in middle school and high school. The pot smoking, pill popping, blow jobs and drinking happen at someone's house. She's just making sure it's not at yours ;-) And chances are, she's one of the parents who will be conservative and really, you can't know enough of those parents - having a friend with a parent who is even crazier and more protective than you makes you look cool by comparison and prevents you from always having to be the one to say no because you know the other parent will say no first. My daughter's best friend's mom is super-conservative - she won't even let her 16-year-old daughter see rated R movies - and I love it because I know that if I'm not comfortable with something, she won't be either!

I tell my kids to do what they believe is right, even if others think it's silly or wrong. I teach my kids to be true to themselves and not worry what others think. Brava to this mom for following that same philosophy! Personally, if you invited my daughter to skate, and I don't know you, I'm not putting her in a car with you or in a situation where injury is likely without knowing how you'd respond to that crisis. There are families that I've gotten to know and now my daughter only sees that friend on my watch. Skating? I'd have a reason to meet you there (so you're not driving) and to hang around, at least until I get to know you. Sorry if you don't like that. But I'm going to do what I believe is right, even if you think that's silly. Oh well.

ETA: Your question changed - a lot. Original, you asked to take her skating (not meet you) and you didn't say you offered to stay. In your original post she wanted to get to know you first (wasn't asking what others said). I have no idea what to think, because the rewording may be a correction, but it really doesn't read like a correction - more like a rewording to get specific kinds of responses, although I can read the second sentence 2 ways (she asked about you and shared what folks said, or she's been asking other what others say about you). So is she a careful mom or a snotty Mom? Or do you just want to be angry with her, and are reaching? I have no idea.

Okay - I don't get why people are offended. She was straight up with you; she wasn't trying to insult you. Turn it around. Imagine she is the one asking and you don't know her...are you OK sending your daughter off with a stranger? Or do you want to get to know who you are sending her off with?

How could she know you are a lovely trustworthy person who will look out for her kid if she hasn't bothered to get to know you?

I think you are new to the school, this mother knows nothing about you, and she wants to be sure you are the kind of people she would want her daughter around. Unfortunately, private school is often a last resort for troubled kids. If you are new there, she has no way of knowing WHY your kid was put there until your kid has a proven track record at the new school.
I would be exactly the same way. And frankly, I would hope you would be too. Instead of being offended, why don't you try and be grateful that you are now surrounded by the type of parents who are invested in their children, and aren't going to just let them go off and do any old thing they want. It's kind of refreshing when you think about it.

You feel offended because she wants to actually know the person that will be caring for her child? This isn't about you at all, it's about her doing what she feels she needs to do to be a responsible parent. She doesn't know you, and wants to before letting her daughter go somewhere with you. That's not a reason to feel offended or judged, you should be glad that she is also giving you time to get to know them before your daughter wants to spend time in her care. I guess I will likely offend some of my son's potential friends when he starts school, he will not be going to anyone's house (or skating, etc) with someone I don't know. Chill out and go make a new friend, for your daughter's sake in the least.

Many parents like to know with whom their children are associating outside of school. Actually, mothers are encouraged to do so. At least they are on this site.

Do you feel offended because she has been asking around about you? I wouldn't like to be told that, either, but we all ask about other people: "Have you met the new neighbors? What are they like?" "What's with that new co-worker?" "What's Mrs. Smith's daughter like? They're new here and I haven't met them." It isn't always mentioned openly to the person being asked about - but it happens all the time. We judge people and things almost every minute of the day.

You can choose to feel offended, or you can realize that this mama probably wants to know you better before you supervise her girl. Well, you're nice to know. Why not take the teacher out for coffee? Ask her questions about herself and get to know *her* better.

I have had lots of people do this, and I have done it myself. I wouldn't be too offended. There are LOTS of kids out there, that you do not want your children to be friends with. You gotta make sure. I, however, do not need to get to know the other parent REALLY well before the kids get together, I just like to talk with them a bit, and make sure we are all on the same page.

i think she's someone at whom i'd roll my eyes and make some snarky remarks.
all to myself, of course.
yeah, yeah, it's all very well for parents to get to know their kids' friends' parents blah blah blah. but there are dozens of tactful, pleasant, appropriate ways to go about doing that. the easiest in this circumstance would have been for the mother/teacher/person to say 'how lovely! thank you! let me check my schedule to see when it would work for me to stay too, and we can have coffee and chat while the girls skate.'
telling you that she has been asking about you, and sharing what's been said, is just weird. i'm amazed at how many think it's just 'good parenting.'
that being said, try not to over-think it. clearly this gal is one of those women who pride themselves on being 'mamabears' and throwing themselves bodily in front of every real and perceived potential danger. and she'll find them. the quickest way to keep endangering one's child is to cast them as perpetual victims. but this may be the mindset at your new school. keep smiling pleasantly, and carry on.
khairete
S.

Wow, I feel for the girl. With a helicopter mom like that, there is no telling how she is going to turn out.

I can see it 2 ways.... so sheltered that she's afraid of life or a HUGE case of rebellion. I hope helicopter is ready for her consequences.

Personally, I think she's a bit over the top but you also never know what has happened in the past. I know someone whose daughter was molested by a cable guy that came to their house. Mom went into another room for maybe 20 minutes to breastfeed and change her newborn. Thought he was a pleasant enough, nice, clean-looking man who was just doing his work. Not so much... Point is - she is very overprotective of her daughter and, since most people don't know what happened, people think she's over-the-top. The teacher/mom is probably being ridiculous but don't judge. If your daughter wants to be friends with her daughter, focus on enabling a friendship to form. You don't have to be the mom's friend.

Can the 4 of you go to lunch or something?

Her approach was off. She should have offered to meet at the rink and have a soda while the girls skate and kept her pre-judging to herself.

I don't blame her, it's hard. My daughter was in junior high and I talked to a mother in the driveway of her house as she swore to me the girls were safe at her house and it is better than them running the streets. As it turned out, my daughter had access to alcohol there, the uncle went and bought them more AND taught her how to play quarters. She puked all over herself in her sleep because she passed out.

I would say it is probably safe for your daughter to hang out with the girl because the mom is hovering over her to know what her every move is.

I wouldn't pursue it either, O.. Life's too short to have to audition for this kind of thing.

If my daughter wanted to be friends with her daughter , I would make an effort to meet the mom (who is also the PE teacher??) Perhaps arrange a skating trip where you each take yours daughters, and then you can sit and get to know each other. Are you new to the school or is this the first year in Jr High? She is just being very cautious about the families her daughter hangs around with. She probably could have worded it a different way so as to not offend you, unless you are just offended at having to meet her before she will entrust her daughter to you.

Hmm, well of course I can understand wanting to at least meet the parents of my kids' friends before they spend much time hanging out together, but isn't skating a public activity? Does she need to "get to know" everyone at the rink before her daughter is allowed to skate there or what?
Seems a little strange to me...

Well, I think that her intentions were fine, but she sure went about this the wrong way. I would expect a teacher to have a little more finesse with situations like this. She should have suggested that you all meet at the skating rink and the two of you have coffee while the girls skate.

I think that we all judge as Moms and we have to in order to raise our children with the right influences. That being said, I would be very uncomfortable with the way she went about this. I would probably feel the way that you do despite knowing that she was just trying to look out for her child.

She could have suggested a get-together and got the same results without coming right out and saying that she was interviewing to find out what kind of person you were...

I wouldn't feel offended, but I would feel sorry for her daughter who probably has very few friends due to being so very sheltered by her over protective parents. If my child really liked this girl I would put in the effort to meet the mom for lunch or something so that the girls could foster their friendship, and who knows, you may end up really liking this woman and make a friend yourself.

A little weird in my book . . . definitely not how I would have handled it.

Not someone I would want to be friends with. I would feel I have to be on guard at all times for fear if I say, used the wrong spoon, I would be dee,Ed not appropriate. She is nuts.

I think her wording was way over the top. Of course we want to have an idea of our children's friend's parents. But to phrase it the way she did and go on and on shows she's probably not very sophisticated herself. Also, skating as someone said is a public activity. You didn't ask to drive her daughter and spend the night 50 miles away! Why not say she'd love for her daughter to skate with you. She can bring her daughter to meet you guys. That way she gets to meet you, drive her daughter and check things out. I'd be a little offended too that she's so cautious when she knows your daughter. If your daughter is a well behaved, good kid, that should be some indication of her home life... And is your junior high full of kids who do drugs or something? If it's a rough school I could see her being more cautious but I have a feeling from your post it's not. Well, I have met a couple of mothers like this and killed them with kindness. So if you really want your daughter to have this girl as a friend I would meet the mom. and I think I'd say how glad you are that youre meeting. Bc you just never know nowadays what people are like... And then ask her a ton of questions like you are evaluating her. Nicely but a bit pointedly too. If you don't really care and neither does your daughter much about this girl, I'd skip this mom. But thinking more, not sure you should actually be offended though I can see feeling that way. This isn't about you vs she's socially inept to say what she did how she did. Tactless. And she's likely annoying. So if you don't need to, I'd rather not deal with her.

Eta. I think your title is misleading. You say come over but you actually asked the mother about going skating. Big difference I think.

I think this mom is doing things right, keep in mind she is a teacher so she & her daughter are held to a higher standard than most parents/students of the school. Also there maybe things in her employment contract (this is a private school) that means she must be extra cautious with whom she interacts with.

I think the way she worded it was strange and I agree with you that it sounds a little "judgy". I don't need to *really* get to know every one of my kids' friends' parents. I've met them, yes, but I don't have to hang around with them. That said, if it were me and in the interest of curiosity about this mother, I would go ahead and agree to meet like you suggested. Then I would ask tons of questions about her and her family, just to keep the conversation well balanced :)

Well my daughter isn't in school yet (will be next gear) and she won't be going to someone's house that I don't know very well alone. Especially if they plan on taking her somewhere and I do not really know the parents. That's just my preference as to how my daughter will socialize

What a horrible thing to say - that she is gossiping about you with the other moms. What a hardy welcome!! Her response should have been, "well, since we don't know each other, mind if I come along so we can chat?"

People are so stupid. Be the better person and ask her along. Maybe she will learn a social skill or two.

I think she's a helicopter mom and you should just heed the warning and find someone else to ask to the skating rink. I don't know why she needs to get to know YOU in order for her daughter to hang out with your daughter after school in a public place. Doesn't make much sense to me. You could be just fine, but your daughter could be crazy. Or, you could be crazy, but your daughter a gem. Makes no sense to me.

Meh. If the other mom can't handle her child going to hang with your daughter at a skating rink she has her own issues. And she's "asking about you?" Seems a bit kooky.

I'd ask your daughter if there's another girl she'd like to hang out with. This one's mom is a dud.

I don't let the kids go to strangers homes, I would be right there with her. I don't know you and you don't know me, I could be a naturalist and walk around butt naked for all you know.

Assuming people are normal is not a great idea. I'd have said the same thing as this mom. I don't let the kids go to anyone's home that I have not been to at least a few times with them. I don't drop the kids off at play dates.

None of my friends just drop their kids off somewhere unless they are family friends. I've always thought it odd to drop the kids off at someone's home that they don't know for a play date.

ETA

Since this was a public place I would have invited mom and daughter to join us. Much more relaxed atmosphere and the ability to visit.

If my daughter wanted to be friends with her daughter , I would make an effort to meet the mom (who is also the PE teacher??) Perhaps arrange a skating trip where you each take yours daughters, and then you can sit and get to know each other. Are you new to the school or is this the first year in Jr High? She is just being very cautious about the families her daughter hangs around with. She probably could have worded it a different way so as to not offend you, unless you are just offended at having to meet her before she will entrust her daughter to you.

I had a mom do this to me, but the kids were in 2nd grade. I was offended because I knew this mother from our kids' sports team and we had already spent time together at sporting events and at their school. We are a perfectly normal family...no skeletons in the closet...some people just go waaayyyy overboard! Actually, the kids don't do too much together anymore. But the interesting thing is that when my dd was at their house, her daughter got on youtube and was showing my dd some stuff I didn't really think was appropriate for 2nd graders. Nothing way out of line, but I would have put a stop to it. Just goes to show you!

I think it's perfectly ok for her to admit that she wants to get to know you better before letting her daughter go somewhere with you. BUT, I think it's really weird that she is asking around about you AND that she's admitting it! I would feel kind of uncomfortable about that aspect of it.

If you want to pursue the relationship between your daughters, then ask the teacher to go to coffee or something after school one day. The girls can go too - maybe even sit at a different table - so you can chat and get to know each other better. Hopefully the combo of talking to you and seeing how much fun her daughter has with yours will be enough to convince her.

I would not mind that she wanted to meet and get to know me. However, I would be super pissed that was asking around about me.

Whatever kind of person you are (and I am sure you are lovely), it's irrelevant to her. I know plenty of nice moms who have kids who got into drugs and the dark side, for lack of a better term.

Her asking to know "what kind of people you are" is quite silly.

And in junior high, no less!

Well if that is how she presented it to you, it is a little rude sounding to me. because it implies that SHE is the one to have to "vet" you as potential friends rather than the other way around. Like you would just pick any random kid/family for your daughter to hang out with. Rather than her implying that this is a mutual process and you should both go together with the girls to get to know each other the first time.

Anyway, I wouldn't put too much thought into it, you don't know her and her personality that well yet either...

***You said she told you what people said about you when she asked around. Was it good or bad?

I think she went about it the wrong way by sounding as if she were, 'better' than you and/or your daughter, that said I have ALWAYS INSISTED on knowing the parents of the kidz my kidz were going to spend time with especially when they would be spending the night or traveling in a car.

I would let her know that you were offended by her remarks if you decide to set up a meeting, keep in mind that the girls enjoy one another so you may want to pursue this for her...just sayin' :)