Is This Rude? - Kansas City,MO

I don't think either of you are being rude. You have a special needs kid too, you should know life is not a predictable thing. Even though that seems like a crazy two days I would never look at someone else as rude lest Karma come bite me in the butt making me the next involuntary rude person.

I have learned over time to just say the world blew up, I will get back to you when it comes together instead of shooting for a new time. For some reason it is like an avalanche, okay maybe that is too dramatic, but the one event tends to take other events with it. Like a bad day tends to cancel all that was to happen that day and you have to fit that in in the next day or the next around everything that was already there and perhaps it is because I have ADHD myself, that is just not a smooth process.

So until I master walking on water I assume everyone else sinks like I do and cut them some slack

But you are playing that game by judging her and now playing the martyr role.

Modern life can be overwhelming and I would imagine with a special needs child it's a whole lot more challenging. Give her a break, you have no real idea of what she was doing all weekend.

I run a business where speaking to clients on the phone is imperative. Taking 2-3 days to finally connect with someone by phone is quite normal. If she had never reached out and totally ignored you THAT would be rude but Friday to Sunday morning shouldn't be a big deal.

I have been on both ends of this conversation, and I have to say that Diane B said it to a T. Life gets in the way. this happens to me and my friends all the time, especially with SN kiddos. I have 2, my friend has 1, and it makes life crazy. Relax, and if you want to do it face to face then tell her that and ask to set a concrete time. This sounded pretty casual.

I think you are being tremendiusly hypersensitive.

I'm kind of with Veruca Salt on this O..
People are busy! Don't be overly sensitive.
If it's not life or death, I don't see the big deal.
Then when she reached out to you--your nose was out of joint.
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
She didn't forget. She remembered you wanted to talk. Weekend isn't even over yet. Geez.

I suggest that talking with you was lower on her things to do list. I suggest that "I'm available on Friday" is not a firm commitment. Her give me a call is
Is letting you know that this is not a firm plan. In my world, my friends and I know that life happens and the call is checking in to see if the other person is still available. An unanswered call tells me she's not available now and if she didn't call me back I would know she's still not available. I might call again the next day but I'm more likely to get busy and not call back.

Vague plans are not for sure plans. As to not calling you, I suggest that she was not thinking that talking was urgent. She knew that you wanted to get together. She was busy and may have thought she'd call you when she had free time.She may be a much more casual, go with the flow sort of person while you take the vague words as a commitment. For me, if we haven't set a time, not getting a call back, just means getting together won't work.

Your post sounds like you had an urgent need to talk this weekend but you didn't tell her that. As a busy mom and grandmother, I wouldn't have given this a second thought because I would move on to other things that needed done. I would't have texted either. I would just call her again later. This is called phone tag.

My daughter has 4 kids, 2 of them special needs. She sometimes misses messages. Both of us often thinks if this is important they'll call back. For me, when someone asks me to call and don't give me any information, I believe calling is not urgent and will call when I have time.

This is a lengthy message to say that you don't know why she didn't call you back right away. I suggest that your communication was vague and she would have no way of knowing the get together was urgent. When one wants a specific thing to happen that that person has to be very clear about what they expect. I've learned to include in my remark Something like right now I think I'll be free. Give me a call (to find out). Because the two of you had not made specific plans I wouldn't have expected anything from her. I'd just try later.

I'm not always clear about plans, I do sometimes forget an appointment or.plan, and am in many ways not perfect I give the other person the benefit of doubt and hope they do The same for me.

In response to your comment about a 5 second text indicates to me that your life is calmer and Better organized than my daughter's. For example, just as I get a phone call, 2 of my grandchildren are running around crazy while I'm trying to get dinner on the table. The TV is too loud so sometimes I don't even hear the phone ring. I don't look for messages until I get home several hours later or sometimes the next day. Perhaps you carry your phone with you most of the time. My daughter doesn't.I know that if I need a response right away, I call. She usually hears her phone but sometimes she doesn't. She may not see a text until the next day.

Not rude, usually, as long as it's unintentional (and you usually can't tell if it's on purpose).
It just happens sometimes - in the office, between friends/neighbors, etc - phone message/text message tag volley ball bingo where everyone keeps missing opportune times to connect.
This is why people meet up for coffee.
Sometimes everyone shows up but sometimes not, and if no one else shows - at least you have a good cup of coffee to enjoy while you get over any disappointment.

Sorry, but I think you overreacted. Sometimes people get busy. Most parents I know don't mind having time to sit down and chat for a few minutes-- that means life is going well. It sounds like she felt bad and reached out to you, but you weren't going to accept it. Consider that you might have hurt her feelings.
Consider that she has her own special needs kid and was just having a day with them. Do you have it in you to have some empathy and understanding? Because it sounds like you are looking at this as some sort of power play on her part.

It seems from your other posts that you focus a lot of your attention on what other people are doing. Consider not getting so pulled into those moments and just letting some things be. This isn't something to get upset about-- she may just have had a rough day. She did let you know when she was available, so that is something. If you really consider her a valuable resource, put your anger aside and try again.

I guess I just don't get upset over this kind of thing, I mean it was a conversation that was supposed to happen, not an rsvp for a wedding that she didn't show up too. People are busy, especially moms, so I don't take offense easily to missed/dropped messages and calls.
If you REALLY wanted a commitment I think making a coffee date would have been better.
Or maybe she didn't really want to talk after all but didn't want to hurt your feelings, and was hoping you'd get the hint.
Who knows? It's not worth worrying about IMO.

She's a flake. I have a special needs child myself and that's never an excuse for that kind of behavior. If I'm suddenly unavailable when I said I'd be to help someone, I'd be the one texting saying, "I know I said I could talk tonight, but xyz came up. How about at 1 pm on Sunday instead?"

I'm all about keeping commitments and being punctual. When people aren't, it's disrespectful if they don't reach out to apologize.

I don't text or use a cell phone, so reaching me by phone is hit or miss. If I do feel the need to talk to someone I actually set up a concrete face to face meeting. I would never miss a meeting, but I don't give a phone call the same consideration. Call me on Friday and we'll talk is pretty open ended, but come over Friday at 2:00pm is concrete.

I think sometimes people want to help, but then life gets in the way. They don't want to blow you off, so they suggest a day, and then if that doesn't work, they try to do it another time. Okay, maybe she could have been more specific, but if she didn't realize that there was urgency or a time constraint to your need to talk, she might have thought it was okay for both of you to keep trying until it worked out. If you both have special needs kids, she probably assumed that your life is like hers - there are appointments and meltdowns and delays and exhausting days/moments. Maybe she thought you'd understand and that sometimes you just can't make firm appointments in these situations but you can text and say "The next hour is open." If that doesn't work, you go to the next window of opportunity.

She doesn't work for you, she's not a professional practitioner like a doctor or therapist, so she doesn't make firm appointments. You two just have different styles. You can either work within that framework of volunteers/friends/contacts, or you can do what you suggested later, which is to research it yourself.

I don't think it's rude. I think it might have been overly optimistic, and I think she might have assumed you had a similar craziness in your life and wouldn't hold her to a firm time.

IF someone really wants to talk/test/email they WILL in some way shape or form make the time.. I know people get busy but over and over..
She doesn't for whatever reason want to talk.. don't waste anymore energy and put your friendship into another parent who does care to chat.. you aren't desperate for people, right.. so let her go...
I was guilty for years of chasing people down who didn't always give me their time (albeit I gave them mine when they wanted) and now.. I am what I like to say a recovering co-dependent :) and it feels great..
let her go (nicely) and make room for someone more deserving of your friendship... you ll be glad you did..

I don't think you overreacted, you don't sound like you're flying off the handle or anything. I know I'd certainly be done reaching out to her though!
Yes it's rude, but it's ok. She's not interested. Meh, no hard feelings, at least you know next time not to fool with her. Idk maybe I'm different from other people...I wouldn't be mad, hold it against her but I also wouldn't put anymore time into her. I'd probably be pretty flat with her on fb if I even responded. Cordial otherwise, but...whatever whichever is how I'd feel!

She's a flake. forget about her as a resource and just deal with her as a friendly acquaintance.

eeeeEEEEeeeeEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEE, i'm getting all twitchy and crinkled from just thinking about a casual mention of chatting with someone and then having them monitor my text-times to this degree.
and i'm no longer a young mom trying to balance 500 things per hour.
maybe she's rude by today's standards. i hope for her sake that you get pissy and leave her alone.
khairete
S.

I suspect that her days did not go as expected, and now you know she's not a very prompt person, so you shouldn't wait for her to chat.

Sometimes life happens and before you know it days have passed. Obviously it was very important to you. You probably should have conveyed to her the importance. I would try again to set up a time to talk or if you both can sneak away for coffee or dinner out, that would be ideal.

I think it was insensitive and bordering on rude. Personally, I am pretty prompt and organized. It drives me batty when folks flake on me. I don't see why she couldn't have responded to your text and said that it just wasn't a good time for her. I do think that if your really needed the information, you should have called her when you got the "I can talk" text message. You should have swallowed your irritation for a few minutes...your grocery store trip probably didn't have to happen right that minute. That being said, when folks flake on me several times, I assume that I am just not important enough for them to bother with me. I simply move on and find a different way to get things done. I understand that life happens and I cannot imagine having a special needs kid. However, you would think that she would have found a minute to text some sort of reply to you regarding her availability. I would go ahead and do research independently and maybe find another contact to talk to personally...

I think she has the best of intentions to help out but not the follow through to do it. You already learned this so just leave it alone. She's probably not a bad person just not organized enough to be there for you. Yes she's rude but I don't think she set out to be rude. Just turned out that way.

You've already read the answers and followed up, so this is just an additional comment :)

It sounds like you're frustrated - which I get. I think if you want someone to respond you have to set a firm time. Or make a date. Telephone or text tag .. it's annoying for both parties I think. I'm guessing she was busy and forgot.

I don't think she intended to be rude. She may be interested, just very swamped and/or laid back.

I would have called and said "call me back if you're still interested".

Sometimes if I don't know if someone really is interested, I give them an "out" you know? that way ball in their court. Then if I haven't heard from them in x amount of time, I move on.

Maybe she's procrastinating because she finds discussing the special needs depressing?

Maybe she's just that kind of person who doesn't think texts or calls are very important and she just does this to everyone. I'd say you've seen this side now and you know to avoid depending on her for anything.

If you do need to talk to her again simply say "Hi, I would love to talk to you about XXXXXX. When you have time to talk would you call me?"

Then when she says you can call this day or that day or some other time just say your schedule is open and you'll wait for her call. Then go about your day and when she calls make time for her.

I think she is being rude. You're not being oversensitive. She could have gotten back to you to say sorry, something came up and I am swamped for a few days.

Sometimes a day can just get busy, but I agree she was rude. You had made prior arrangements to talk and if she did not have the time to actually talk it would have taken only a matter of seconds to text you back and tell you as much. I don't see this as much different then standing somebody up, you make plans in advance and then just don't show up with no explanation, that is very rude. I would not push the issue further with her, but I also would avoid future plans with her unless you are okay possibly getting stood up. I might arrange to meet for coffee or something just to see if she does have some explanation for what happened, there could have been an actual emergency after all, like a sick family member or an accident of some kind.

I don't think you are overreacting. She told you when to call and twice she didn't respond. I wouldn't confront her I would just not deal with her. I know life happens but there is a thing called common courtesy. She didn't have to tell you what was going on but she could have told you that now wasn't a good time to talk. I don't know why she didn't respond so I cant say whether she is rude or not but I can understand your irritation.

Yeah, it's rude of her. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm sure you have more important issues to deal with. Don't give this another thought.

I think you are being too sensitive to be this mad about it. Yes, I would be annoyed, but life gets in the way. Life sometimes trumps our commitments.

I'm with Fuzzy on this one. She's a flake.