Is It Right? - Lincoln,NE

I think you have every right to do anything you want with her FB, you are her mom!! And besides, you told her what the "original" rules were, so you need to stick by them so she doesn't think you're a wet noodle!!

I wouldn't be okay with it either...but I'd rather know what's going on than to think she's at the movies and she's really at some party with it going on. I think. My oldest is 8...so I'm not quite there yet.

Well, ask yourself this question: if you saw a FB picture of two heterosexual kids kissing or being affectionate, would you be fine with that? If you would be, then you need to let this go.

Blocking is more severe than deleting by the way, sounds like you have it backwards.

As for the kissing, I would make it a rule, if a straight girl posted pics of her kissing her boyfriend, would you have them deleted? I disapprove of that kind of stuff at that age, regardless of sexual orientation. But I also have a scale of what is over the line, and what is mild. Of course, it goes to be said, the majority of girls who are 'lesbians' at that age are more than likely acting and going through a fad. This is according to the vast majority of girls I personally knew who were being trendy lesbians in middle/high school. Hate me all you want people, plenty of gay people know they are at that age, but most of them are acting and grow up in a few years embarrassed by the phase.

Just be consistent.

Do you intend to make your daughter delete heterosexual friends who post pictures of themselves kissing their SO's?

Personally, I don't want to see my heterosexual friends making out in public, either.

But, a little PDA is okay. What kind of kiss is it?

Well, try to imagine the scenario if the photo were a boy/girl PDA.
Would you still consider it delete worthy?
There's your answer!

I think the greater concern should be with what your daughter posts - not with what her friends post. She cannot control the pictures or status updates that they post - she can only control what SHE does. I would encourage you to turn the focus to her. When you see others post inappropriate things, have a discussion with your daughter about it so that she clearly understands the expectation that she not post such things.

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I think your lines of communication need to be very clear and open with your daughter.

I have a 16 yr old and I have her password. I do not ever delete or block without talking to my daughter about a certain post or picture and if she thinks it is appropriate or not. We communicate about it. She controls the page.

Next, I pick up that it bothers you that you saw 2 people of the same sex kissing. This could be in jest as a rebellion or it could be 2 people who are exploring and have posted on FB to see how it is perceived.

Would you delete it if it were a boy/girl picture?

Last, if you go around as momma police, deleting/blocking without communicating with daughter, rest assured, she'll develop a secret FB account where SHE has control over it. MANY kids have these "secret" accounts.

Keep those lines of communication wide open and talk talk talk. You are right, she will see and learn a lot more than you think she will at school, out and about, reading, etc. You can't keep a shield over their eyes.... our job is to commmunicate so they come to us with questions vs the friends and internet.

Here's my concern with having her delete this friend - when the friend finds out that she's been deleted, she's going to want to know why. When your daughter tells her it's because of a policy you have about FB - that if anyone posts anything vulgar or inappropriate she has to delete them (and I will assume you would feel the same way if this was a boy and girl kissing) - this girl may be more attentive to your daughter in school.

Now - let me clarify that....

I think we've all heard/known that when you forbid something, it becomes more enticing and teenagers will often work harder to get at it than they would have had you not forbidden it.

Now, apply that to this situation - sometimes it's not the person who is forbidden to do/see/talk to (i.e. your daughter), sometimes it's the other person (i.e. this other girl or a boyfriend, etc.) who will work harder to have the illicit relationship (friendship, romantic, etc.).

So, when this girl finds out she can't have this FB friendship with your daughter (for whatever reason - again, leaving the girl/girl girl/boy aspect out) she may pursue an in-person friendship more than she would have otherwise.

I still am not sure I'm making my points clearly...

Another point... I think I would prefer to know the kind of company my daughter keeps. Facebook is a great way to really get to know the true character of others. I've found out a lot about friends and family members that I wouldn't have otherwise been aware of w/o FB.

If you allow her to keep these friends on FB and just have conversations with her about her friends and what they're posting I think you'd be taking huge strides towards the kind of relationship you want with your daughter and raising her the way you'd like to see her turn out.

If you remove these friends from FB, she still will have the same friends at school and then you have NO IDEA what she's being exposed to.

Well would you care if there were a picture of a boy and girl kissing? If that would honestly bother you to, then you have a leg to stand on (but not much of one - kissing is hardly vulgar or inappropriate at this age). If you haven't reacted negatively to pictures of boys and girls kissing, then you are being discriminatory and setting a poor example to your daughter to object to this just because it's two girls.

If you make her delete any friends who have a picture of them kissing their boyfriends... then sure.

I guess the question is: Do you consider kissing to be vulgar and inappropriate? If any of your family or friends posted the same picture, would you delete them as well?

The question I would post to you is, would you object to an inappropriate picture of her friend and a boyfriend kissing and being affectionate toward each other at 14? If not than let this go. If you would object than tell your daughter to delete her.

Well...I have a daughter is close to your daughters age...so here's what I think. Be glad that's it's on fb where you can see it and discuss it w/ her. If it wasn't nasty and pornographic, then talk to her about it...it's a good learning experience. Would it have bothered you if it had been a boy/girl thing? Here's my thoughts on that...it would bother me boy/girl or same sex, only because they are young, but we both know, this is the age these things start to happen...so use it to your advantage, open the door to conversations about sex, what's ok and what's not and even different types of relationships...this age is tough and scary, so making sure she knows you are open to discussions and unafraid to come to you, she'll be ok! Good luck w/ this...I am not looking forward to all the emotions and hormones in my house in a few years (I have a boy and girl and they are 14 months apart! YIKES!)

Would you make her un-friend this girl if it was her kissing a boy? If the answer is no .... and you still think she should I feel you are a indeed homophobic. I'd also make my children delete inappropriate people but I wouldn't make them delete anyone for having a kissing picture. I'm not trying to be mean but a person who was neutral wouldn't care either way. Sounds like you're more of a NIMBY kinda person. Not trying to be mean just honest.

And no I wouldn't make my child delete their friends for kissing pictures. Anything more than that sure but kissing regardless of the sex's no. I agree with alot of the others this is a great learning experience you can have with your daughter about internet and conduct.

edit
Another thought process. Are you going the other way and afraid to have her delete it because you are afraid people would think you are homophobic? If so I still stand by do whatever you would do in a hetero situation. Don't also give special treatment or go out of your way to treat someone that is gay better. Treat them equal. That is what everyone deserves to be treated the same way.

If you would ask your child to unfriend someone because they posted a picture of themselves kissing a teen of the opposite sex, then sure.

If your child's friend posts a picture of herself kissing a boy, and it doesn't bother you, then you are being unfair in this case.

I don't think a picture of two girls is inappopriate. (I would be irritated by a picture of two girls kissing who are doing it because they are drunk and trying to impress or titillate the boys, however.)

The question to ask yourself is, if she had posted a picture of herself kissing a boy, would you feel the same way?

we need more concerned mothers like you in this world....

if the girls parents were parenting properly they wouldn't allow this either........and it doesn't matter if it's girl kissing boy or girl kissing girl

I think you were totally right. Kids nowadays don't reliaze their actions can have far reaching consequences. I seriously doubt she would want this picture circulated 10 years from now. Stick to your guns.

I think I would talk with my daughter on how destructive it is to post pictures of things like that on facebook. Any picture of kissing whether it be between a male and female or two of the same sex isn't for public viewing. Becareful of what is posted because once it is on the net, it is there forever. Instead of saying delete that person, talk about why posting pictures like that is not good. Use examples of people who have gotten into trouble over posting pictures or putting private things on the net or on text messages through the phone. We don't want to protect them from these images as much as we want them to protect themselves from looking at them and worse, putting them out there themselves.

I would have issues with the photo because it's young teenagers making out and being posted publicly, not because it's two girls making out. So I would use this as a teaching moment for your daughter. While you should have had the sex talk with her already, it would be a good time to have it again. I would probably add something in about public displays of affection and getting photographed, which can be texted or sexted and get out of control quickly. I would also talk about how people view you differently after seeing photos like that versus being modest and controlling and maintaining her own privacy.

This would be a really good time to talk to her about only having friends on her FB that are her actual friends in real life. Limit her friend list to people she hangs out with and trusts. Chances are you'll be more likely to recognize those girls and have relationships with their parents... and if you see something inappropriate you'd be more likely to be able to let their parents know.

If you do see something too racy on your daughter's friends' profiles, you can report those photos. There's that report feature that you just have to click.

If you have Firefox, get Adblock. It's a GREAT add-on that lets you control certain things. Make sure that you continue to check on her FB regularly and when you see photos like that, you can use Adblock to block them individually to leave the ones that are all right alone.

Also, just so you know, when you block someone, it's automatically unfriends/deletes someone. That person no longer exists to you on FB and you no longer exist to them.