Is It Really Necessary to Have Help with a Newborn?

I think if I hadn't had c-sections with all my kids, I wouldn't have needed ANY help for babies 2 & 3. You are right, MILs can be much more work than they are help--thankfully my hubby agrees with this and never pushes his mother on me. My mom, however, is VERY helpful & anticipates the needs of me & the kids--his mom just worries about what she'll be eating.

I'd say fly solo--sounds more relaxing :)

You aren't crazy. Just tell him you would prefer that you adjust first as a family.. then she can visit if she wants. Good luck and congrats!

My sister and her kids came up and my parents came up a week after my daughter was born and I also had a 3 year old. I have to tell you it was very very stressful. No one did anything and my husband I were cooking and cleaning for everyone while they played with the kids. You will be able to do it alone.

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Oh no way...this sounds more stressful than being by yourself. There are two of you and two kids so you are not outnumbered. If something has to wait until your DH gets home from work, then SO BE IT. The last thing you need is to be stressed out with two small children at home. JUST SAY NO THANK YOU!

Nope not crazy at all. I feel the same way about "help" after a newborn. Just stock up your own frozen meals So you can take it easy for a couple weeks. Much nicer to hang Around in a messy house in your jammies with your toddler and newborn and not have to worry about anyone else. I have 3 and life gets "normal" quicker after each one anyway. You've already done it yourself, you can totally do it again.

I didn't really have help when I had my second. My older one was 2 years old. I remember my mom coming over and taking my son to the park so I could take a nap during the first week, but that's it. I was actually shocked during the first few months how much easier it was than what I imagined before having the baby. They are 3 1/2 years old and 14 months old and NOW is when I could really use the help!!! Good luck!

I have had three and have never had any help, barely from my husband after the first two cause he worked long hours with the first two. My MIL wanted to come stay with us when I was going to have my third and I said no way cause she wouldn't cook or clean but would love to just sit and hold the newborn, but I wanted to hold my newborn. Its not so bad you do what you gotta do. I would stock the freezer with easy to just heat food, and freeze a few meals. Is hiring a house keeper maybe twice a month an option?

You will be FINE without her. It sounds like you will be taking care of her, your newborn and your son.
Let her come visit after you have settled in and recovered, but she doesnt sound like she is able to help.
I have had 3 kids and never had anyone stay here for more than 24 hours, and that was even too much!

With the birth of my second child, I didn't have help until my 18 yr old niece arrived 3 weeks later. It was a blessing then because the day after she arrived a developed mastitis and a nasty fever. My husband took off work for a week and we did fine. When child #3 was born, my MIL came because I knew I would be overloaded with a 20 month old, 4 yr old and a newborn. She was a great help. My mother is mentally ill so I knew that wasn't an option and I really, really enjoy my MIL.
Please don't invite your MIL or anyone else to help unless you are completely comfortable with them. The first few weeks are so emotional and sleepless, that EVERYTHING can get on your nerves. Avoid the stress of conflict and enjoy your baby. Perhaps just having your husband take off a few days of work would be just perfect. Congrats on your growing family....Nurse Midwife Mom of 3

I didn't read your othe responses, but with all 3 of my babies the last thing I wanted was someone in my business after having a baby. My MIL wanted to come up for the last, but I kindly told my husband to tell her no. She is very demanding and I fed on demand. I knew that would upset her and after having my LAST baby, I didn't want any drama.

She came when he was 3 months old and it was much better...except that she wanted to stay too long.

My family was never too intrusive for me, but they live 10 minutes away.

So I say that you don't need help at all.

I have four kids, two I had when the older two were older so they went with me to soccer games all over the place, assorted event, never occurred to me to need help. Actually my younger two spent the first five years of their lives in a car.

Sounds like your husband misses his mom and is using the baby as an excuse. He needs to understand that you cannot entertain guests, which is what he is asking, and take care of a newborn.

I really appreciated having my MIL stay. In fact we couldn't have done it without her! My son was very difficult. It honestly seemed like he cried every waking minute. I was very weak after the birth and had a reaction to the vaccine they had given me before I left. My hubby and his mom basically took shifts during the night, soothing him and letting me rest while not nursing. My husband described that first night as the worst night of his life. We would have been sunk without my MIL.
I think that you never know what the birth will bring, whether you or the baby will have any issues, and that it would be best to be prepared. Just let your MIL know upfront what you're expecting of her. I'm sure entertainign your 3 year old will be a help at least. You could have easy lunches for him. She could get lunch for the 3 year old if you have some easy things like yogurt, string cheese, granola bars, boxes of raisins that she can just pull out and offer. Obviously, your husband wants her help. If she's truly a burden, maybe he just wants her there for emotional support. Have him lay the ground rules. Mom, your job is to entertain the three year old, get lunch together at 12:00, fold clothes and watch the infant while mom shops. Mom, please do not nag my wife about breast feeding.

I am on my fourth and haven't had any help with any of them. They are all 2 years apart. I always get over prepared before the birth. Make sure you have lots of new DVD's and little trinkets to keep the older child entertained. Hand them out and watch as needed so you can sit down. My home has 3 floors so I make sure that I have extras on each levels. 2 diaper changing stations, multiple sets of clothing changes (for everyone!), a boppy on each floor, lots of burp clothes etc. Stock up your freezer now with already prepared meals. I cook lots of extra and freeze in aluminum half pans. I always feel like I have to entertain my family and have to keep a clean house. So the less people that are around the better for me. I just let things go until I feel up for it. Otherwise if I had family come "help" it would be more work for me.

We have 3 kids and I didn't want anyone else helping out. We planned our kids to be 3 years apart so it wasn't like I really needed help anyways. I would have went crazy if my mom or MIL would have been here during those transitional times. When our 3rd child was born, I went home from the hospital the next day and my husband went to work to meet clients that afternoon. Didn't bother me a bit.

So no, I don't think your crazy for wanting to do it on your own.

I kicked my mom out of my house the day after I had my son. I home birthed, she brought dinner over and STAYED. She trashed the house with my 2 year old and left a giant mess for hubby and I to clean up. Thanks for dinner mom! I didn't call her for a week! And then I only let her come over once to visit for an hour before making her leave again!

It was so nice to just be alone. Guests create work.

Just make sure you are ready. House totally clean, like seriously, move that frig, clean out and organize every closet, move every piece of furniture, make meals for the freezer, and buy lots of simple, quick things for the pantry (pasta, etc.). Just be organized. Have an action plan for after the baby comes: Monday dust, Tuesday vacuum....It will help you to focus on what needs to get done when the baby is crying and number 1 is bouncing off the walls.

Hormones after birth can be a nightmare without added stress, so if your MIL isn't your favorite person, I would keep her away.

One last thing, create activity packets for your 3 year old so that when he looks like he needs something to do, you can set him up at the table and go off to nurse the baby, etc.

You can absolutely do it by yourself. I did it with all 3 of my kids. I had my hubby to help with the housework and to take the baby if I needed help, but I didn't want anyone else over. I wanted to get settled in as a family first. Good Luck!

My mom came... but I wouldn't have wanted my MIL.

My mom was able to do cook and do dishes, laundry, run errands, entertain my toddler, hold the baby while I showered, be supportive of my constant breastfeeding...

She was VERY helpful, but in the same breath, it still added a hint of stress to my first week at home. It sounds terrible (because she was SO helpful) but I felt a little relieved when she left.

New families need time to just be - tell your husband you'll be fine with just his help, and then be specific with what you need help with.

J.

Nope! You can do it! Our family was close and I said NOOOOOOO. lol

You need to get in the routine with your kids asap, because the sooner the better. The help will leave then you'll have to start from scratch anyways. it was so much easier then I thought!

You can do it!

Just my opinion...
Rather than have MIL come and help, I would just wait until after the baby is born and see how your managing. It seems like it would just be easier to hire some extra help (a mothers helper, a babysitter, someone to clean the house for a few hours) if you find that you need it.

You dont need help that comes with too much work attatched to it. Dont invite her for a couple weeks after the birth. BEFORE the baby is born is time to plan and make things easier for you.
First, pack up a lot of toys, especially the ones with lots of small pieces. Just put them in bags or boxes and out into the garage so you wont have a lot to clean up. Books too. I think a dozen favorites are ok for a few weeks and bring the others back as you feel ready. Christmas is coming and I assume your son will receive a few new things. He wont miss the old stuff much.
Start making meals to freeze and stock the freezer with enough to make meals simple for you and hubby.
Hunt for someone who cleans houses and see if you can get them for a temporary time, right before the baby and then again afterwards a couple times. Even if all they do is clean the bathrooms and scrub a few floors it will make a world of difference. Buy paper plates, cups and bowls so you dont have to do dishes as much.
Arrange for a few play dates for your son those first few weeks so you can nap and have undivided attention with the baby. Start them now so he will be used to the other moms and they wont mind having him stay without you later. Im sure you will find ways to pay those moms back later when you are fully recovered and into a good routine of your own.
If you dont mind tv, buy or record a few great kids programs for him to watch while you are busy with the baby. Hope some of this is helpful to you. I didnt have anyone come help with either of our kids. I think its very possible to handle it without the MIL and all her problems. A few weeks after the birth, go visit her instead and maybe she will look at you as company and wait on you at her own house. Best of luck with it all. (o:

When I had my first child, my mom "offered to help" and stayed with us for a week and did NOTHING. We had just moved a month earlier into our house and she made herself busy organizing and hanging pictures...not even where or how I wanted them!! And she kept saying to my husband and I that we "needed to learn" how to take care of the baby and house so by her doing nothing was basically teaching us this. It honestly was way more stressdful having her there than not. When I had our second...we did it by ourselves and were fine, you will be too. Congrats and good luck!!!

You might be better off without relatives this time around.
Maybe you could find a Mommy's Helper who could watch the kids while you grab a nap every so often.

Your husband and your friend can give you the "some help" that they think is better than none.
The whole situation sounds miserable. I know that you have gotten a lot of responses, but I wanted to chime in and say that you are not crazy!!!! :)

My family and inlaws were very considerate of our family time when we had our second baby. They knew to come for a couple of hours and then LEAVE. I appreciated it so much!

I hope your husband honors your feelings! Congrats on your growing family!

OMG. I was the queen of politely finding a way to say, "You all can help by staying the HECK AWAY"

Personally, I don't get what all the help is for. Everyone said, "Oh, but you'll need someone to do the dishes and the laundry...."

What? I suddenly care if house work gets done? I never did before! Puhleeeez having the guests to deal with during hormones and new baby zone is soooo not worth it! To me. But like yours, my in laws are NOT HELPFUL. So. I did not have help. Although, after my third, which was an emergency c-section, I did have my husband cancel some work (he travels for work) because I needed help after surgery. But relatives? NO THANKS!!

I had three kids in six years and I never really had any help with any of them. My husband didn't even take much time off from work, just a day or two after I got home from the hospital then I was on my own.
I love my MIL and she DID offer to come stay for a few days or so, but like you I felt it was more work/stress to have her here (not knowing our routine, not knowing the area, etc.) I was super tired and it was an adjustment of course but I made it through. I stayed in my PJs for the most part, the house kind of went to hell, but at least my husband was understanding and he took care of shopping, feeding us and cleaning up the dinner mess. And both my son and older daughter did great when their younger siblings came home. We pretty much camped out on the couch, reading stories and watching lots of videos :)

Second time around you will have a toddler to contend with at well.
MIL can at least play with and keep the older child busy while you are getting some rest and getting to know your new baby and getting into a rythem with him/her.
Why can't you draw her a map to show here where everything is, I mean you had to learn where it is at some point right? Why can't she?

I did it alone with my kids and survived. The thing that is/would be nice is a chance to take a nap - but if you can put your 3 year old in a morning daycare/parents day out sort of thing I think you'll be fine without any help.

I would suggest that (3 year old goes out in mornings so you can have some quiet time) before I allowed my MIL to move in for 2 weeks - gack - the idea just gives me chills. :-)

Good luck and congrats!

You can do anything you put your mind to. Do what is RIGHT for YOU.. You are the one everything hits. Try it for a week or so, then maybe you will decided, hey I can do this or .. hmm I really need a hand. But I would check in the area for a Mom's helper. That would be a 12 yr old that would be able to play with and entertain you son while you get some sleep or nurse the baby.

My challenge when having my daughter. ( my son was 6 weeks shy of 3years old) was the attention to him My parents took him while we were in the hospital. And then he went back to day care while I was off. because he is so mobile and we are in a condo he felt trapped in. So if I had someone who could lend a hand to occupy him that would have made it easier. Between nursing and pumping..

Congratulations . and good luck

Help? I never thought that was an option! (Mine are 20 mos apart)

She won't help much. I'd talk to your husband about not having her come. I only wanted help with cooking and cleaning, not the baby. I loved having people bring meals but when I had my 5th, I didn't have people bring meals and I liked not having to deal with people. =)

If your girlfriend agrees that you can use some help, ask her to come by twice a week and do some chores:) or take your son to her home...
Other than that I think you will be fine. I only have one, but there is NO WAY I would have wanted anyone around when DD was first born.

The one thing I would suggest is signing your older child up for preschool for a few hours a day. He will get to play and you can take a nap and make up for lost sleep while he is there.

Good luck!

Um, yeah. She sounds like way more work/stress than she's worth.
Say, no thanks!
W/ my 1st the help I had was DH being home for a week.
W/ my 2nd...we came home from the hospital on a Friday, DH was back at work by Monday.
My 1st was a little bit older than yours (4.5).
We managed.
You can do it!!!
You're not crazy! ;)

You are not crazy to think that you can do it alone. However, if MIL wants to help, there are a number of things she can do, despite her being widowed arthritic, and anti b/f.

1. she can tend to your needs. My MIL would keep a plate of fruit, cheese, tea and crackers on the ready for me to munch on b/f /after BF.
2. she can diaper/ change newborn and give you a minute to sit down before moving on.
3. she can fold clothes, even if she can't haul the laundry or put it away.
4. she can set a table.
5. she can toss a salad.
6. she can boil some pasta
7. she can play with your son.
8. she can put on a dvd.
9. she can read to her grandchildren.
10. she can sit and watch her soaps and mind kids while you take a nap.
11. she can play cards with your older one.
12. she can take a walk with your older one.
13. she can draw a bath for your older one.
14. she can draw pictures with your older one.
15. she can tell stories to all of you re - hubby as a baby.

just saying that just because she can't/ won't do those things which you do in the fashion in which you do them, doesn't mean she can't be helpful.

if she did little more than to sit around and, on occassion say, wow, what a beautiful baby, or you are doing a great job, that too would be helpful.

good luck to you and yours
F. B.

You are not crazy! You can absolutely do it. I was the same way. I didn't need help or want it. We moved with a 4 year old and 1 month old. My mom came for a few hours here and there so I could pack...otherwise...didn't need help. You can never get that newborn bonding time back. I agree that having certain help is really more work. Tell hubby you will speak up if you need help but your pretty sure you can do it and you don't want to give up the newborn time. I really believe its such a special time for a family. I had no problem with visitors but they stayed for a few hours then went home! Say no thanks and enjoy your kids all to yourself:-).

Your MIL sounds like more work than help, hope you can say No! Some help would be great, but you can work something else out. Look for a young teen who can take your older son in the back yard or play room and play with him. Hire some one to clean (it can be temporary for few months) have them start before baby is born so you can have a system in place and she'll know where everything is. Have take out menus and plans for Hubby to be in charge of all dinners the first week. The most important thing is to plan ahead to try to have a relaxing recovery, you don't know how you'll feel (things could go differently even PP hormones can be different with baby #2, so as the expression goes "plan for the worst and hope for the best" Try to line up some help other than MIL!

I didn't have help and did just fine. What you can do is cook ahead and freeze your favorite foods so mealtime is easy and just let the cleaning go. You will be fine without your MIL.

Nope, you don't need help. At least I didn't. However, my oldest (3 at the time) did go to daycare. If he hadn't, I'm not sure how it would have worked out. But either way, having a house guest is way more stressful to me than having two little ones in the house. It does sound like she would be more of a burden than a help. Do what YOU feel comfortable with. Once you have a routine down maybe your MIL can come visit then.

Nope! sounds like he just needs to pay someone to come in and clean and do light cooking for a couple of weeks they may even run those errands for you! With planning and teamwork you guys can handle it! if you can find someone to come in and just watch your 3 year old while your hubby is at work that is all you'll probably need...

With my first: I didn't even know how to change a diaper yet! The hospital had to show me EVERYTHING. Fortunately, he was in nicu 2 weeks and I had time to practice diapers and all that, lol. We survived just fine, but I was real tired.
My 2nd: there were a little more considerations. My eldest had JUST turned 3 when my youngest was born. We did everything under the sun to prepare him for a baby coming to his house, but there were still considerations to be made to make it an easy transition. Trying to be up every 2 hours with the wee baby, still be a present and doting mom for my toddler, I knew I was going to be stretched thin.
What we did: I put my 3 year old in a part time mother's day out program (which we called "school") as soon as possible so that he could be a big boy and have his own thing going on, and I could have some time to either just love on the baby or SLEEP. We made it a big deal, we were so proud of him for being a big boy and going to school (but we did it early so he wouldn't think the baby came and he was sent away or replaced---no way!). His being gone to part time MDO while pregnant allowed me time to nest, prepare, and rest leading up to delivery. Once the baby came, those few hours a day were a big help. When he came home from school he was happy and content b/c he'd been playing with friends and had things to show me, and I was rested and excited to see him and give him lots of love and attention.
I also began preparing meals and putting them in our deep freezer. During the time Joseph was at MDO, I would cook and have one thing in the crockpot, one thing on the stove, and one thing in the oven, all at once. I made minestrone, chicken noodle soup, shrimp creole, crawfish ettoufe, seafood gumbo, chicken tortilla soup, chili, shredded bbq pork loin for sandwiches and bbq bakers, and homemade sauces and when they cooled to room temp I'd put them in the heavy gallon size ziploc freezer bags, and freeze them laying flat. That way they ended up being able to stand upright like file folders. Just label the bags and store them like files. I had a large Stouffer's lasagna, crawfish stuffed chickens, spanikopita, marinated steaks, meatballs, etc. This way I didn't have to worry about cooking or serving junk to my family for awhile.
2 weeks before the baby was born, we hired a wonderful lady to clean our house real good. I had all baby stuff washed and put away in the proper drawers, carseats, strollers, diaperbags, and hospital bag were all packed and in the car for weeks. I asked a lady from Bible study AND a neighbor to be "on call" for babysitting my 3 year old while I was in delivery (AND we had my normal babysitter also ready.....each person was a "just in case" at different hours....our neighbor would be happy to come lay on the couch or guest bed if I had to leave in the middle of the night. My friend from Bible study was more a planned event, but if I wasn't able to reach her then my babysitter would be available. (I like to plan for plans A, B, C, and possibly D just in case).
I wrote a household manual with important phone numbers (friends, neighbors, doctors, MDO, Jeremy's work, Joe's Pizza, Chinese takeout, all kinds of stuff), our basic daily and weekly routine, etc. When my mom came, we told her thank you SO MUCH for coming, we had a big Christmas party for her (she even had a stocking with her name on it and gifts from Santa). She stayed a week. She asked how she could be of help and I said the BIG job for her would be to make big brother feel special and happy, to help us in that transition from only child to a very important big brother now. If she had ANY questions or wanted to know what I would be doing in normal life at any given time, she could just take a peek at my household manual. I told her she wasn't expected to do all of that, but it'd help her on what we would normally do. She basically played with Joseph, took him to MDO, gymnastics, and McDonalds to hang out. Then she'd come home and sit in the rocking chair and "soak up" the baby as she called it, while I would have quiet time reading or cuddling Joseph. Then we just enjoyed mom/daughter talks (which we really didn't do a lot of before). All she did was be there......and a few loads of laundry, lol. She didn't even have to cook! I think preparing can help a lot.

I agree with you, doesn't sound worth it.

I would trust your instincts. It seems to me that you already know what is best, and you are probably right! I don't know about you but I was SUPER hormonal after giving birth for about a month and I would tear the head off someone who I didn't particularly want around, especially if their "help" was not worth the aggravation. Or I'd lock myself in a room and bawl. Then she'd have even more of a reason to dislike me ...hahaha! Anyway, if it turns out that you are desperate and you feel differently post-birth, of course then you can call and ask for help. I'm sure she's be willing even if kind of last minute. Good luck to you all!

I did not have any help other than DH. I did not think it was necessary. When we were still in the hospital, my mom fed the cats and did some laundry, but we managed after that. My DD was born just before my SD came back, my SS went to college and all the prep that that entails. If you WANT help, then great, but if you don't want that kind of help, you need to speak to him. You are not crazy, IMO.

Do you think your DH wants HIS MOM vs wanting help for you? If he's close to her, it may be about them and not you.

Go with your gut. If you don't think she'll be a real help, don't have her there.
My MIL came down to "help" when my son was 2 and a half weeks old. She stayed in a hotel but came by for 6-7 hours of visiting every day for 10 days. My husband had gone back to work at that point so it was just me and her - super awkward. Aside from going out to get lunch for us a couple of times, she did NOTHING besides sit around and hold my baby. And this was with my husband having had a phone conversation with her beforehand spelling out all the things she should be doing during her visits to help me - laundry, dishes, etc. etc. Instead, it was basically a Baby Vacation for her. My mom came over to find her literally sitting with her feet up on my couch reading a book while I was in my room nursing. She was mad. Anyway, stand your ground on this. YOU are the one having the baby - not your husband or his mom. Good luck.

I did not have any help when I had a newborn but I only have one. I think it would be harder taking care of the newborn and 2 year old. However, having said that, I agree with you. My MIL being in my house would make me feel more stressed..so even though she was there to help me, I would feel the need to try to keep everything spotless in addition to caring for the baby and toddler. So in effect, it will be harder on me than if she was not there to help..so I totally see where you are coming from. Good luck. You will be a walking zombie but will make it. Congrats.

Congrats on your second baby!

I think your question says a lot. You seem like you will be more stressed by having her there than not, which just isn't worth it. Even if you have to do some planning, I think the stress of having her there would be harder on you. Like you said, it would be different if she were more physically up to the task, if nothing else. You know best here so you may have to just put your foot down. You could always tell your MIL that you are going to play it by ear for the first week or so and will let her know if you change your mind (assuming her schedule is flexible) which you might do after the first week or so.

I like the ideas of pre-arranging some play dates with other moms or even schmoozing up neighbors for little things, if you feel comfortable. Even if it's just a quick mention that you won't have help around and see who pipes up offerings. (Something as simple as grabbing items at the grocery store while they do their shopping.) In this situation, if someone casually offers help, then just take it! People like to help and you should feel ok about accepting it.

If you can afford it. then absolutely PAY for help. Housecleaning, babysitter etc etc. Those are things that you can def. ask around for recommendations on. Who knows, in asking for references, someone might just offer some help!

And, whatever time your husband can take off, he definitely should.

I have friends that have had their second with their first around the same age as your son. With some preparation before the baby comes, they are def. old enough to understand how to be helpful to mom and baby, so embrace that too!

I hope everything works out and you have some great bonding time with your new little one!

P.S. Pre-cook/freeze some meals and use paper products for the first week if necessary :)

She sounds more trouble than she is worth...it IS alot of work, but as moms, we manage! My husband took one month off both times and he was a huge help with cleaning and meals, but if he wasn't able to take the time off I would have handled it fine.

We didn't have help of any kind with baby #2, and it was fine. To be fair though, we did Babywise and she was on a feeding schedule pretty much immediately, so she was sleeping 4 hours at a stretch at night right away. My labor and delivery were quick and relatively easy, so it wasn't much to recover from. Because of that, and because our older daughter was pretty well-behaved by that point and also in preschool during the day, I didn't really need the help. We did have a cleaning lady come in once a week, which was nice. Honestly, I kind of felt like being on maternity leave was a vacation. Maybe I am the exception rather than the rule, but I felt like baby #2's newborn days weren't bad at all.

If you feel like your MIL would be more work than help, I'd just go it alone. If you feel like you need help once the baby is born, you can always hire someone to do whatever needs doing (cleaning lady, babysitter for your older child, etc.)

Its a toss up. But if for any reason you end up with a C-section, you will need some help because you won't be able to pick up your toddler. The most valuable thing for me was that my mother played with and entertained my toddler. Second to that she did the meals and clean up. thirdly she held the baby who was needier than my first so I could nap. My second baby needed constant human touch, and holding while my first would sleep for hours in a swing. Can she be on stand by in case you find any help is better than no help? If your husband is not going to be able to be much help I would take what you can get. Otherwise I'd see if your husband can take two weeks off work.

My plan of action is this i'm going on my 4th.I have all the laundry done folded put away,dishes all taken care of every day,house cleaned top to bottom whatever needs to be done the first 2 weeks or so before the arrival of baby get it done.I didn't expect to have help nor did I want the help I feel it is more work & hassle to have someone here to help me because when they leave I have to go back & redo the laundry it is put away all wrong,dishes in the wrong area.If I want help they can give my daughters a bath get them clean clothes comb their hair,fix them a meal or 2 or let them stay the night while baby & I get some rest after we come home.I have had my MIL come over she is a great lady & did prepare meals wash dishes do laundry while I just relaxed with baby on the couch took a nap she went with us to the BF clinic,then to the grocery store to stay in the car with baby while I ran in to get a few things.Let me just add hubby has lived here with me for 12 yrs & still asks where is this where does this go ERRR.I don't know why i'am like this but i'd rather do it myself,visitors at the hospital OH they arrive when i'm there then come in after I have had my babies I get so frustrated I tell my mom DO NOT CALL anyone & tell them i'm here,I tell the nurses to not let anyone in till after I have had the baby they don't need to ask me how i'm doing with my labor.I can wait till the next afternoon to see them & they can see my new baby.This time around I will have a note on my chart to please check in the nurses station the baby can be seen from the nursery.They come in & out stay & stay.Sorry i'm feeling stressed not due till April

I have family living somewhat nearby, and if I saw them for a couple of hours every other week, that was a lot. I actually thought dealing with the second, even with a toddler around, was easier only because I felt a lot more confident! I wasn't wondering about everything, and besides, I felt a lot less lonely, either because my toddler entertained me more or because I was so busy I didn't have time to be lonely. I'm positive having real help around with any newborn would be wonderful, but your MIL sounds like she'll just be another "kid" to take care of, not any kind of asset. Yes, she could hold the baby while you deal with the older child, but newborns sleep a lot anyway and you'll have plenty of time while the baby is asleep to concentrate on your older. Also, when the baby is awake, you'll most likely be nursing anyway. You can do it- definitely!!

I don't have a 2nd child so I can't say but with my 1st, I had no help. As long as your husband is willing and able to help, I think it should be OK. I know personally I would rather be overtaxed to have my inlaws help. They're nice but they have their own views and I like to just be able to relax and do things my own way but that's just me.

In my opinion, it's not necessary to have help with the new baby... but it's helpful to have help with your 3 year old. It was great to have him occupied while I was tending / changing / adapting to the new baby. It was a godsend to have him busy and getting that energy out.

Good luck to you Mama!

You have a ton of responses, but here is my 0.02.
If you decide to not have help (and, to be honest, that's what I would do), the best thing you can do is if your child usually goes to daycare or preschool, keep him in school while you are on maternity leave so you have some time with just you and the newborn so you can sleep when he sleeps. Or, if that's not an option, arrange playdates in advance for your older child. If each of your mom friends invites your older child over to play for 2 hours in the afternoon for the 1st two weeks, that will give you some down time to rest with the newborn at least a few days per week.

I guess I might have a different perspective. I married my DH and did not know my In-laws as they were deceased before we met. However, my SIL who was childless and divorced acted as his surrogate. She could be a pain in the butt and was quite quirky. However, She was tremendous help and a blessing to me after #2 was born. Then a year later she died unexpectedly. How I wouldn't give anything just to tell her again thank you..... I know that we can complain about extended family members because of one reason or another but I have to say that if she could be of any help to you why not? Just making sure your newborn is loved and cared for while you get a much needed break is an absolute God send. One day you will have DIL. How do you want her to feel about you?

In my opinion, it is completely based on your sleep patterns. If you are able to go to bed early (letting hubby get the older one into bed) and get in a few good streches at a time, you'll manage the first few weeks just fine. If, however, you are up all night with the little one, you will definitely neep some zzzz's during the day. Even if your MIL just makes sure that your son doesn't burn down the house, it would be worth it to have her there at naptime. Either way, congrats and enjoy~

i wouldnt need help but thats me. when my daughter was born to this day i do 95% of everything that pertains to caring for her. if she cant help you relax by cooking a meal etc what is she needed for? im with you in this lol

You really can't compare this to the first time around simply because now you have a 2.5 year old at home. Also, whether or not you have a c-section will make a big difference in the need for help. My twins were 2.5 when baby #3 arrived, and my husband was only able to take a week off work due to finances. I didn't have help this time around, and it would've been nice. Even just having someone to sit with my kids so I could shower early in the day would be nice. My boys were thankfully still napping, but someone to sit with the kids so you can nap is also helpful.

Just some food for thought. Has it occurred to you that maybe your husband wants his mom around when the baby is born simply because it's his mom? This is a big deal for him, too, and he may want his family there to share it with.

It sounds like you are right, and that she would not be much help. Have you looked into hiring a post-partum doula? Check out DONA International's website for a list of certified doulas in your area. They help with everything from breastfeeding issues to laundry. I think you pay them by the hour. My family is also not that helpful. Our 3rd is on the way, and I'm not expecting much from them. They live over 5 hours away though. When we had our second son, we lived about an hour's drive away. My sister would come over and fall asleep on the couch when the kids were napping. I would do the housework!

Without knowing your MIL, I think you should stick to your guns. If you think it will be more work for you, then it most likely will be. The only point your husband makes, that may be helpful, is that she could sit with the baby while you do these other things. But, a newborn is pretty easy. Just pop em in their carrier and your off. I am expecting #3 in Feb. My 1st is 4.5 and my 2nd will have just turned one-YIKES! I am going through the same issues. I have to have C-Sec. so help is pretty much mandatory. That being said...if family or friends offer to come and "Help", it is up to you (and me) to set what those "help parameters" are! And you should make it clear what your parenting choices (breastfeeding) are. You do not want someone there making you uncomfortable about how you are caring for your child. You are already uncomfortable enough!!
Best of luck

I don't think you're crazy. I had my MIL and mom each have a day a week to come over for a few hours. But... never for a couple of weeks straight.

Sounds like my situation is not an option. So.... I would suggest getting someone to occupy your 3 year old for an hour or two each day or a few times a week. Maybe you can have a mature mommy helper (say age 11 to 12) come over and play with him while you tend to the baby. Or can you sign your son up for a preschool class that meets just for 2 hrs? Check out your park district for classes. Maybe you could even have a trusted neighbor friend carpool with you. Or pay a trusted teenager to drive and pick up.

Good luck! You'll be busy, but you'll find what routine works for you.

Sometimes, extra help makes it just more difficult on you. Maybe she can come to visit for a week or two when the baby is a few weeks old.

Really, you husband should be the one to stay home that first week to help you out.

A three year old and a newborn is very doable. I do not really see the need
for help. I mean if someone wants to give a hand that you like that is great,
but do you need help, I do not think so. However, that is just my opinion.
I have a 5 yo, 2yo, 1yo and newborn and did fine without any help. Had
family relatively close (about an hour and 1/2 away) but really just wanted to
be home with my husband and babies. He had a week off. By then we
were out and about living life.

It all boils down to what you're comfortable with. If you were close and/or she was able to really "help" which sounds like what you're looking for, that would be different. But if it's not something you're comfortable with, don't do it. There's no reason why you can't do it yourself. Many women do. It's nice to have help but if you don't want it then that's ok. I did it on my own with my triplets when they were babies and my husband was in Iraq. I had my two older sons who were 10 and 18. They helped when they weren't at school or work but I did it completely on my own for 6 1/2 months, with 5 kids. The key is the set a schedule, do the things that are most important and don't stress the little things. It's ok if the house isn't perfect and the laundry isn't completely done. This is what hubby is for! Write down things that you need him to do when he's home from work like folding laundry while watching TV. If you cook dinner have him do clean up. Have him put your older child in the tub and bed. Your 3 year old can even help by doing little things like being your gopher by throwing diapers away and stuff like that. Work it out as a team and things will get done. May not be perfect but it'll work!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Of course, it really is about you and your personality. I had no outside help either of my children. It was me and my husband (and my lactation consultant) for 2 weeks, then I was on my own totally during the days. I am the type who doesn't mind a little help with dishes, but don't touch my laundry or touch my bathroom!! Why can't you invite her to visit later? And if you really need her, ask her to come.

So I know you already got a ton of responses but just wanted to share my thoughts. I can sympathize with your situation as we have always lived away from family and house guests always add some level of stress. My son was 2 1/2 when my twins were born last December. My in-laws came down and stayed with my son while I was in the hospital and then left the day I came home. My mom came down the next day and stayed for two weeks. I had a c-section and I can honestly say that I would not have made it without help that first week. That being said, if your mother-in-law is arthitic and can't do the same things you would be unable to do - pick up your son, drive a car, carry a laundry basket - then I'm not sure she would be much help. If you have to have a c-section (which I hope you don't - I hated having to go that route) then you will need help the first week at the very least.

Updated

So I know you already got a ton of responses but just wanted to share my thoughts. I can sympathize with your situation as we have always lived away from family and house guests always add some level of stress. My son was 2 1/2 when my twins were born last December. My in-laws came down and stayed with my son while I was in the hospital and then left the day I came home. My mom came down the next day and stayed for two weeks. I had a c-section and I can honestly say that I would not have made it without help that first week. That being said, if your mother-in-law is arthitic and can't do the same things you would be unable to do - pick up your son, drive a car, carry a laundry basket - then I'm not sure she would be much help. If you have to have a c-section (which I hope you don't - I hated having to go that route) then you will need help the first week at the very least.