Is It Normal to Cry Every Time My Son Is at His Dad's?

Hi J., You need too get some professional help to deal with all the losses you are going through! First you do not need to bring him to your bed to comfort him-it is you wanting the comfort and this can lead to bigger problems in the very near future. You have to get strong and confident again-I think you were once before. This is something you must do quickly to save both you and your son and both of your lives. Crying is good but you have to know exactly what you are crying about-you sound like you are afraid to be alone again and starting over-yes that is very scary but it is time for you to do it. Get help from a counselor, person of the cloth, local advice at the public aid offices, and perhaps some of the schools (like a university) offer something- often with a small fee if that is a worry to you. Please before he gets to school age and it would be an issue of tears-where he is sleeping and how "needy" you both are in some situations. Good luck and go for it girl you are strong and you can do it!

Hi J.,
You have gotten lots of good advice, I just want to add one more thing. You mentioned that you cry on Sundays when you have your son because you know he's going to his dad's the next weekend. I know it's heartbreaking to think of being without him, but while your are with him you should enjoy your time with him. Make it extra special, that way when he is not with you, you will have happy memories from the past week to reflect on and you can plan for your next time together. Don't waste your time being sad because of the future - enjoy the present that you are in! You are missing out on all kinds of joy you can have with your son. Also, don't let him see you sad. He will grow up believing he is there to take care of you and he will miss out on being a kid, he needs YOU to be the one to take care of him. I wish you all the best!

I felt the same way about my son, but I didn't have the added stress of sending him to another home. This quickly faded as my son got older and more independent. It's tough to put in words, but I notice the gradual shift in the dynamics of our relationship and I was both sad that he was no longer my baby and happy of the outlook in his life as his own person.

If the concern of his safety is not an issue when he goes to his dad's, then maybe try to enjoy the free moments you have. Maybe make a list of things you want to do when your son is not around and then engage in them when it's his weekend with his dad. Fill your time with projects, hobbies, or friends.

yes, it's normal....but you are right to be concerned. Your situation is an "extreme"....& I truly feel it's time to speak with your doctor - whether it be your ob/gyn or family practitioner.

You are allowing your emotions to rule- not only your world, but that of your son's. Your example of how you react at the preschool is a perfect example of how you are affecting him. A kiss & a hug is all he needs! Let him be the strong little boy that he is...& please don't throw your load onto him. & that is "why" I think you need medical intervention......I wish you Peace & a quick end to this anxiety....you have many things to be happy for!

Wow, if you're crying like this when he's only away from your home a few times a month, think how your ex must feel w/ his son being at moms most of the time. I suspect alot of why your crying is out of guilt. Perhaps you're feeling guilty for getting divorced and now your son has to go somewhere else to see daddy when he had nothing to say about this.
As for crying when you see a child harmed on tv, I just think that means you are a caring thoughtful person, I do the same thing. I think once you become a mother yourself, you tend to put your child in the place of these other children and think, what if that were my child that happened to, so, naturally you'll be more sensitive to what happens to other children. Also the fact that children are so innocent and have no say when others do them wrong just adds another dimension to how sad it is. So that part is perfectly normal, but crying even when you are just thinking about your son leaving isn't.

Hi J., You have got a lot of good advice already. Really, when i first read your comments I though, well you sound normal to me as I am the same way. I am not divorced, but I do get very emotional over my kids and I have quit watching the news as I can not handle watching anything bad that happens to kids, i cry as well. I also understand the feeling of loving him so much you could not amagine ever loving the second kid as much, but you will. I have two kids and I do love my second one just as much as the first, you would be amazed at how much love you do have to share, and i love them almost in diferent ways, but equally.
Now with that said, only you know how often you are having these emotional breakdowns. If it is as frequently as you said, then take the others advice & get some help, for yourself and your son. Life is too short to be sad all them time, get the help you need and start enjoying your life & the time you have with your son, it will make you both so much happier!

You may be depressed. Medications really help with the weepiness.
I do not mean to sound harsh, but you chose to bring a child into the world and then to get a divorce. Sharing your child is a part of the life you chose. You need to learn to manage your emotions so your son does not get caught up in your own insecurities. When he is with you, enjoy him! Have fun! Smile and cuddle a lot! Don't be sad around him or he will pick up on these emotions and wonder what he is doing wrong. Make each moment special and let him grow! Take him to preschool with a smile and promise a fun outing afterwards.
When he does go to his father's place, of course you will miss him, but make it a positive experience for him. Remind him how much fun he will have with dad and how excited you will be to see him when he returns.
Also, try to remember that you are not his only parent. Imagine how "dad" feels. He gets to spend even less time with his son. As long as his dad is a good man, your son will only benefit from positive attention from both parents.
Hang in there. It is natural to miss your child when he/she is away from you, but as an adult, it is your responsibility to care for yourself in such a way that you can maintain a positive attitude in his/her presence. Check with your doctor. Also, enroll in a class that interests you or begin a hobby that you can do while he is at his dad's place.
Best of luck!

I feel like I could have written this myself...it helps to know that other people feel the way I do. I would be the same way if I had to "share" my son. Actually, it might be nice to share him because he's been wearing me out lately :) but I wouldn't want to share him with his "Dad". I would be worried the whole time he was with him but luckily I don't have to worry about that. I, too, have suffered from emotional issues especially around that time of month...to the point that I was borderline suicidal. I talked to my gynecologist actually about it and she prescribed me Prozac and it has helped IMMENSELY. Your Mom says it's normal to cry all the time...I don't believe it is. I would suggest talking to you doctor about it and good luck!!

i agree with everything sara said, i'm sorry but your mom might just be telling you what you want to hear. if everything was fine you would not be having these breakdowns. you sound like you do have a predisposition to be very sensitive and emotional - i am the same way! in fact a year ago, when my son was 2, i was so convinced i'd never want another child that i considered getting an IUD. well he's three now and i definitely am starting to feel like i want another one! so these feelings might change. but i definitely think it is not normal to be crying so much and clinging so tightly to your son. it is NOT good for him. you definitely have a lot of residual feelings about the marriage that ended. for his own good you need to talk to someone, even if it's just a good friend who will listen and be honest with you. please for your son's sake, at LEAST make a concerted effort to let him go a little bit. his self confidance in his own ability to run his life will be really screwed up if mom can never be more than five feet from him without melting down. he needs to excercise his own skills, and trust that you have faith in him that he can do it. if that makes sense! you're really going to need to do this for HIM. and as a mom who loves her child (even if it's "almost too much"), you know you want to do what's best for him. look at it that way, and i bet you can pull yourself out of this. mamas can do anything when their child's welfare is on the line. if not, it's just selfishness. and i know you don't want to be like that. good luck!!

It's probably normal but it's not healthy to be so emotional. You should be very happy that he gets to spend time with his father. There are so many children who don't get that interaction with both parents and believe me, it affects them throughout life. Tell yourself that you're not going to get so upset and use that free time to enjoy yourself and maybe do some things that you couldn't otherwise do. When it comes to all the hugs and kisses and being upset when you drop him off at daycare, you should give him a hug and a few kisses goodbye then leave. Don't hang out and drag it out. It makes it hard on the daycare provider and your child will sense that you are emotional and that's not good for him. He needs to feel safe at daycare when you are not around and confident. It won't help if you seem upset all the time. I know this is all hard but I think some counseling might help you as well. It sounds to me like you have some unresolved issues and it can't hurt to talk to a professional. I've been exactly in your shoes when my first husband and I divorced when my oldest son (now 16) was a baby. Take care of yourself or you won't be able to be strong for your son. Good luck.
D

J. I would cry too! But I have anxiety! I bet you love hearing that. Its hard for me to feel your pain because I am not forced to share my children with anyone. But try to enjoy your time to yourself. I have two kids and very rarely am able to get out and do things for myself or just be alone with my hubby. I think the fact that he is your only baby is a big factor too. My husband had to almost drag me kicking and screaming to go away for a weekend without our daughter. She was two years old before I left her for a weekend, and I felt like I couldnt get back fast enough. And she has safe as can be with my parents. Its different when you have two though. Its like can I get a break please??? Sometimes I fantisize about going away now because we never get to. And to answer your question, yes you will love a another child as much as your first. Anyways sorry for rambling, I think a lot of its normal. Hopefully he is in great hands when he is with his Daddy so that doesnt cause you more concern, but sometimes, please just "try" to enjoy your freedom.

J., have you considered that you might be depressed? Talk to your general practioner about it & be honest with how you are feeling. Also counseling would be helpful in dealing with the feelings you are having.

Being upset when he is gone is normal at first, but when you are crying as frequently as you mention that might be a red flag for depression. That's ok, it just means you need some help dealing with your emotions during this stressful time.

Take care of yourself mama..... you deserve it! It will make things a lot easier to deal with.

J.

I hope you'll choose to get some counseling, as this is not healthy for you, and certanly not for your son. I think your mother is trying to be reassuring to you, perhaps in hopes that telling you this behavior is normal will calm you. It is not normal. What a blessing for your son that his father wants to be a part of his life. Of course you miss him, but your emotions have become extreme and irrational. You can turn this around, J., but you will need some professional help to do it. Please don't wait. Good luck to you. You can do this.

J.,
It's hard to hear that something might be wrong, especially on top of all the things I'm sure you've had to deal with that has you in the situation you are in today. But, I've been there myself and now, well past it, I can see the signs that I was unable to clearly see when I was in the middle of it. I counted the days I didn't cry, I felt like I was under a cloud and knew things weren't exactly right, but didn't know how to change things. Like so many moms have said, it's important for you to go talk to someone that can help. Whether it's through your church (or if you don't have one, any church should welcome you in), or through an employee assistance program through your work, or your doctor, or a local organization that counsels, you should confide in someone and ask for help. For me, it was God who got me through and I realized that no matter who comes and goes in my life, he is always there with me and for me. I will keep you in my prayers as you navigate through this difficult time. But know that this time will pass and brighter days are ahead...
Good luck to you friend,
M.

Personally, I would never be able to leave my kids like that. I think it is pretty normal and one of the problems with getting divorced. I'm glad to hear you are going to try some things to help you feel better that do not involve medication. Sometimes we just get sad. As for having another kid and not being able to love them as much as your first, don't worry. I have three, and it's no problem. ;)

I think it's normal to be upset when you don't have your son - you miss him! That being said, I agree with the other mamas that you've got to find a way to get a handle on it. My ex and I share custody equally of our 4 year old son, and it really is very difficult to know you're not there for whatever little milestone they're going to hit that day, or whatever cute little thing they're doing that you're going to miss. It's ok to be sad, and to cry, but as others have said, it sounds like you're going into a deeper depression every time he leaves.

I have a horrible time with it sometimes when I have to drop my son off, especially the times he doesn't want to go and I have to peel him off me. But, I refuse to let him know how much it hurts because I never want him to feel like he has to choose one of us over the other, or that anything is his fault. I may cry all the way to work, but I am so grateful that his daddy loves him and that my son will grow up knowing his father.

Talk to your doctor, ask about seeing a counselor and/or trying anti-depression/anti-anxiety drugs. They really can do amazing things for you. Best of luck to you. You will make it through this difficult time and come out stronger on the other side!