Is It Good That a Mom Should Establish “Forbidden Zones” for Kids

Poor kid. He's probably going to have tics, some negative behaviors.
I wonder why she has so much need to control everything.
Can you get her away for a pamper-type day out?
And talk some sense into her?

No- its not. Its better to give kids YES opportunities. Make it easy for them to succeed-they will be more likely to want to continue to do the right thing than to act out etc. Instead of don't climb the tree! She could say, johnny it looks like you would like to climb right now-why don't you go climb on that big rock! Or with the don't play with the water! Give johnny something that he CAN play with-- I know its frustrating and you want to fix your sister--I suggest that you have her read the responses--maybe she will have an eyeopening experience!

Molly

Yes and no. There's a time and place for everything.
Climbing trees should be fine if you are in your play clothes and it's time to play and not in your Sunday best on the way to church.
Also, if you nag about everything they eventually tune you out.
This is about choosing your battles and striking a balance between running your home like a military school and letting them run wild. Everyone's balance is a bit different and different kids need a different balance.
Your sisters style seems a bit on the strict side for my taste if she's like that all the time, but that's how some people are and it works for them.

I knew a M. I felt was like this and she avoided me for awhile because she felt I was undisciplined and loosy goosy. Her three kids can sit in a restaurant and church so much better than my one. They obey the first time usually. I admit it. I also notice her kids never smile and that kind of constant nagging tears down my child and makes her miserable.

I think that the word you are looking for is controlling. That's all I wanted to say...

Whew! Your sister must be miserable to need so much control. I guess she's anxious/scared. She may be working overtime to make sure her son grows up right. She may not recognize this. And I doubt that you can change the way that she parents. But.....you may be able to help her relax a bit. Praise her every chance you get. Be careful to not say anything to her that sounds like criticism. At times when she's not disciplining try talking with her about how she's feeling. Do a lot of listening. Commiserate.

I had a similar situation with my daughter. She's much more relaxed now that she's 30 and her children are older. I found that trying to help her understand her children's needs or to tell her that she was worrying too much was counter productive. Often, at first, she and I ended up exchanging angry or frustrated words with each other. She was absolutely positive that she had to be this strict so that her children would grow up right.

Her children rebelled and ended up with special needs. They started life as high maintenance babies. I don't think she caused the learning disabilities. I do think that she would've had an easier time if she'd relaxed more and wasn't so focused on their "misdeeds." Her children are anxious kids and I suspect that her need to control has increased their anxiety.

At first, I thought I needed to help her relax until I realized that my push to help was also a form of having control. Once I was able to back off she eventually became less controlling with me.

Another important factor in the way she feels and treats her children is her age. She's now 30. A friend reminded me that our brain is still developing in our twenties. Her brain is able now to make better decisions.

How does her son react to all the orders? If he's able to follow her wishes and they have a good relationship this should be OK. When being strict is a problem is when the child is unable to follow the rules and a pattern of disobedience/power struggle develops.

If your sister is inquiring about parenting and reads you might give her a parenting book telling her that you recognize that parenting is a difficult job and this book has helped many parents. I recommend Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster and Cline.

Later, after reading Riley's post. I agree that your sister may be more strict and appear to be overly controlling when you're visiting. We do want our children to behave and reflect positively on us.

yes, i absolutely think 'forbidden zones' are okay. i have a relative whom i adore but rarely visit because her son has zero forbidden zones, interrupts us endlessly, climbs on the table where we are trying to lunch, brings an endless stream of issues that need to be addressed right away, and makes a pleasant conversation impossible. he's a sweetheart and just wants be included, but never hears 'no' and is never expected to adhere to any boundaries whatsoever.
your sister sounds pretty strict from your description, but i'll bet if she were here describing her behavior requirements it would sound very different.
we all have different parenting styles. endless criticism is a pretty poor one, but so is 'anything goes.'
most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, fortunately.
khairete
S.

I think she is being more of a nag that anything. Does she ever say anything nice or tell him what a good boy he is??? Being negative all the time must be a horrible way to be.. Have you enlightened her at all. Your her sister maybe you can tell her all the good things she does as a mom. Then talk to her about being negative. Good luck

I go about things very differently. My goal is to have a kid that grows up to be very self-directed and able to think and problem solve for himself. Kids don't get there when most everything is decided for them. Also, I want kids to practice all these skills when they are young and the stakes are low so that when they are grown, they are adept at it. Can you think of any twenty somethings that were away in college and for the first time had complete freedom? What did they do? Did they make good choices?

I've also heard that kids that are raised with strict control will rebel harder when they need to find their own autonomy. That makes sense to me because if kids have more autonomy all the way through, they don't need to find it.

When kids are little, my main rule is to keep them safe and be kind. Anything that didn't fit under that, I made myself let go. Like the sleeves - it wouldn't fit under that umbrella unless they were hanging and there was a campfire, I guess. Otherwise, I would let him find his own "look" about dressing. Good hygene - yes. Fashion sense - no. Trees - if they are low, they are climbers. Ones that have high branches no, but my kids figured out on their own not to climb high. When I mentioned it, they said "I know mom."

Practice in making decisions, practice in problem solving, practice in empathy - this is what I'm going for. I guess it's more substance than appearance now that I think about it.

I assume he is a first born. I think this is why first borns are often over-achievers and expect so much from themselves. They have a lot to live up to when they are little. :) I don't think it is all bad at all. Sometimes I wish we had followed that same parenting style with the next 5 because our first born is excelling in his work ethic and in his character issues. The others aren't quite as Type A as he is. :)

Wow! Your poor nephew! I don't think we need to be harsh with our children. They are children and they don't know what we haven't taught them. Your nephew will probably end up with low self-esteem if she keeps it up. you need to do whatever you can to build him up. I'm sure your sister doesn't mean to be so harsh, but I think she has expectations of her five year old that he can't live up to. In child-rearing, i think we need to pick our battles; if we get up in arms over every little thing, no one will enjoy life. Try to talk with your sister and see if you can't help this little guy out a bit.

It doesn't sound to me like the restrictions she is putting on her child are all that bad, but it does sound like the manner in which she's doing it is very negative. For instance, when she wanted her son to roll up his sleeves, it would have been much better for her to have gone to him, and said "let me help you roll up your sleeves so they don't accidentally get into the food and get soiled". Giving a child a gentle reminder - with a good reason behind what you are asking them to do - is a much better way to set boundaries. Constantly hearing the word "no" is frustrating to a child at best, and often sets up power struggles between the child and the parent.
Having said that, it is so easy to fall into the habit of saying "no" to a child. Perhaps you could find a good book on parenting that deals strongly with this subject and give it to her... don't make a big deal of it, just perhaps include it with her Christmas gifts this year. I think she might respond to that better than if you tried to say something to her yourself.

what does she allow the kid to do? what is wrong with playing with water within reason. dont let them throw it all over the house but in the tub or sink is ok. I climbed trees as a kid and never got severly hurt. kids naturally get dirty shoes wash so I dont understand the problem. unless you are fixing to go to a special event. a 5 yr old isnt going to be able to roll thier sleeves up right they dont have the cordination for it. no this is not good its going to make the kid self concious and always uneasy but at the same time its not your kid. :)

I'm learning (through a counselor) that the more you say "don't do" something, the more likely the child is to do it! "Don't climb the tree" - they hear "climb the tree" and block out the "don't". Basically, they're tuning you out and hearing what they want to hear. Instead of "Don't climb the tree," maybe "Let's play on the grass (or whatever) instead of climbing the tree!"