Is HE Here for Me or Just Playing House for the Kids??

Pretty much what Denise said. I want this and that is all I see here. He shows he loves me by joking but I don't like that so he changed.

You guys need to meet in the middle.

Not that many women get I love you texts and such I have to wonder how many you send out. Marriage is a two way street, ya know?

I can't help but think when I read your post that you need to stop looking to your husband for validation as a person. Just because he 'doesn't send you I Love you texts or phone calls' and you like clean and he's less picky and you prefer more sex and he doesn't notice your painted toenails that your marriage is a sham! You probably just described 75% of the marriages out there! It's not a fairy tale. It's real life and it takes some work.
Seriously, marriage, for the long haul, changes over time. It's not all bunnies and rainbows. You have children together (thanks to playing the part during a time of grieving?) and you might benefit from some personal counseling for your insecurities, maybe.

I don't quite get your expectations. I've been married for almost twenty years and my husband has never been very romantic, it's just not his style. I fell in love with him when I first saw him with his nieces and nephews, I knew he would be an amazing father, and because of my upbringing that was extremely important to me.
It sounds like your husband is content and I think you should be grateful for that. Maybe to you content equals boring?
Or maybe you're just looking for some attention?
Why don't you get a sitter and surprise him with a date night? Do something you both would enjoy, dinner and a movie or concert. Go bowling, go dancing, go to a ball game. Whatever would be fun as a couple. If he is a homebody (like my husband) it's going to be up to you to plan the fun stuff!
I think REAL romance is having a man who loves me as I am, a man who works hard every day and comes home every night, a man who puts his family first and provides for them to the absolute best of his ability. If you have all that I would say you are a VERY lucky woman :)
ETA: just looked at your previous questions, it sounds like you have bigger issues than a lack of romance, you need counseling!

You do not always have to fawn over someone to be in love with them. I think you have to get an idea of what a real relationship looks like and what you see in the movies/tv is not it. It sounds like you are picking apart things because you do not feel loved ... do you love yourself? are you depressed even mildly? I would find the answers to these questions before you assume it's all over once the kids are gone.

Love and marriages and go in cycles... high points and low points, but most of the time it's somewhere "in between". You're different peole with different interests and priorities, but somehow have maintained some connection for 10+ years.

Talk to him and tell him what you want out of your marriage. My husband is NOT romantic- he gave me car mats for our first Valentine's Day b/c I had just bought a new car, needed them and flowers die. Oustanding. He still doesn't buy flowers, despite the fact that I LOVE flowers. Oh well.

There are days when I will literally ask him "Is there anything about me that you DO like b/c you've complained a whole lot today!"

It's who he is and I made a choice to accept that. Of course I wish he were more romantic, but he's not. Never has been.

I don't think you are unhappy per se, but your relationship is stagnant. Talk with him (not at him) and see how he is feeling. You may be surprised by his responses!

It all sounds normal to me.

I'm guessing he has never been a super romantic guy, so you can't expect him to be now, since it's just in his makeup.

I'm also guessing that your childhood experiences are negatively affecting your marriage & there might be some unresolved issues there. Have you ever sought out counseling for that?

It seems like you might have unrealistic expectations from him. If you are comparing your relationship & husband to others, then stop, because they are not you or your DH, and it's best to be happy with what you have.

Honestly, if these are your biggest complaints, you're a lot better off than most people I know. Are you sure you're not just "comfortable", maybe a little bored & are possible looking for issues that aren't there?

If you really feel the need to, try couples counseling. Keep in mind that you cannot force him to be someone he's not, though.

Also, I'm just curious what you do to keep your relationship romantic. From your post, it seems like you are expecting him to do & initiate everything, and if that's true, it's not fair.

IMO, it seems like you need a lit of ego stroking & compliments to feel good about yourself, but your husband is not that type of guy.

Get some counseling!! You two are missing each other in the communication department, and you are to the point of feeling unheard and invalidated. If he had to list what's wrong, he'd have just as much to say as you, probably, so don't go into it thinking that he's wrong. You've just got different needs, and you need to address that.

I always wonder how and why people on the outs have children. This is not a criticism; I just don't understand it (thinking out loud right now) because when things are funky between my husband and me, I have to address it. I would not plan to have a baby--and I would not oops up onto a baby--until some sort of understanding could be reached.

It's true that there are cycles to love and marriage, the day-in and day-out living together over a period of time. I just don't believe in falling into just doing it because it's what you do. I was just talking with my husband about this yesterday. We've been married less than six years, so we're not veterans at this. I still choose him every day. It's not as romantic as it sounds. I make it a point to consciously choose to go home to him. It's not just because that's where I live, either. I really think about the state of my relationship with him. I make sure that the good always outweighs the bad for me (and I check on the same for him). At any point when it does not, then I re-evaluate where we are and what's going on and how to fix it. If it's big enough, I address it with him. Otherwise, I work it out on my own. (I usually will tell him at some point, even if I don't want/need his input, just because he is my best friend and I share with him. His issue is not always my issue.) We are not newlyweds by any stretch, but I honestly do not understand going to bed night after night with unspoken issues that only build. And I certainly can't imagine complicating those issues with a new baby and a new mortgage.

Sometimes I think that my husband does not like me. Sometimes I wonder why he is with me, what he sees in me as valuable. It's not often, but it happens. I bring it up with him. I wonder how your marriage started out. How much of this was true when you first got married? Did you ignore what he was saying and just assume that they would work themselves out in your favor? Did you expect him to "come around"?

Hmmm, you said that six years ago, YOU were ready for HIM to leave but you don't mention if HE wanted to leave. Maybe not - that's GOOD!
What about him? Everything in your post is all about you, your feelings, your needs your childhood hurt. Please know I am writing this with no sarcasm or anger. It just reads as if you are insecure (maybe that childhood hurt is still haunting you?) and that you want him to make you whole through an over abundance of romatic love ( a silly notion that never sustains a long-term relationship) and a ton of affirmation, more than any one person (especially a man) is willing to give. Why would he comment on you getting a manicure? He provides for you and your daughter, he's a good father, adapted to your complaint of teasing, loves you regardless if the house is clean or if your nails are painted, and yet you're not satisfied. People show love in different ways. Couples counseling might shed some light and help you communicate better. i wish you every luck in the world - your daughter deserves to grow up with two lovng parents.

It's been 10 yrs. I dont think any of what you are describing means your marriage is in trouble, just that you both are settled in. I believe marriages go through peaks and valleys. That's what you have described here. Peaks and valeeys. If he were to make a list of what he wishes were differant inthe marriage, what would be on it? I bet you have no more clue what he's lacking than he has of what you're lacking. It may be time to try and communicate your needs and really listen to his, just to improve the good relationship you two already have.

Gary Chapman has written a lot about the five languages of love. You and your husband probably have very different ideas about how to show love. It really helps to understand what each other's primary love language is. Read a book by him and take the online quiz. Your post gives hints what your primary love languages are but not his. Maybe he is trying to show you he loves you in his own way ??

It sounds very normal to me. How nice to have a husband who isn't demanding of you - paint your nails, cut your hair this way, keep the house perfect. I'm glad my husband is like yours. He says he likes me no matter how "made up" I am. If I apologize that the house isn't straightened up, he says he knows I was busy doing other things, that he knows I am not lazy, and that house doesn't seem dirty to him anyway.

My husband also doesn't buy me gifts or send me texts. He doesn't often call because he is busy at work.

Men and women have different libidos at different times in their lives. It sounds like he "cooperates" in your sex life, he just might not be the initiator at this stage. Maybe 5 yrs. from now, the roles when switch and he'll initiate and you'll "cooperate". That's just how libidos go.

Everyone has different ways of showing affection. Men and women as sexes have different ideas of romance, too. DOES he show you affection in his own way? It sounds like he does. You said he holds your hand. That's one of the first things to GO when people aren't affectionate. Maybe teasing really is his way of showing love. I know a lot of people who show love that way. BUT, if you don't like it, it IS ok to tell him that and to expect him to respect your request. Just don't discount it as a legitimate type of affection.

You said you had too much childhood hurt. Could that be clouding the way you see your relationship with your husband? Have you gotten counseling for the things that happened in your childhood? Have you been open with your husband about those issues? You should. He should know.

I am married to a man who is not affectionate, does not randomly send love messages or gifts to me. What i've learned is that I have to watch for the ways he shows me in his own way he loves me.

My husbands is hands down the best listener, most reliable person I know. He shows me he loves me many ways, not that ways I want to be shown but he does. I have felt like you felt before, and not too long ago. Instead of "i love you" txts or saying he writes or calls to say "hey be careful on the way home, there's a wreck or it's snowing, or raining"....he doesn't say I love you but that's they only way he knows how...all beit a round the block and back but look for other ways he shows you.

If there not there then you may need counseling...

You just described my husband to the "T" accept without the hand holding. My husband rarely touches me just because, accept in the bedroom. He is not a romantic person at all. He rarely compliments me and when I ask him about my physical appearance his response is "all that matters is if you like the way you look" Not very appealing right...here is what I have learned through counseling he does love me however doesn't express it in a way that I am used to. He is a good father and so I look at the time he spends with our daugthers and I find love in those moments. I find signs of his love for me in little things that he does such has going to redbox and picking out a movie he thinks I would like to watch, suggesting we look at curtains together, going to the supermarket with me and the kids, spending hours at Walmart with us. He hates anything retail related however he goes and I see it for what it needs to be a sign of love. Sometimes he will call during the day to tell me a story of what happened at his office. I think to myself during those moments I really am his bestfriend and he wants to share with me. Do I wish he would hold my hand, or tell me he loves me out of the blue of course I would however if he did I would know that he was doing it for me not because of me. So I take the genuine him and look for the love it's there not easily noticed but it's there and maybe you should do the same. I'm not saying it's for everybody maybe your the kind of person who doesn't want to have to look for signs and that's fine but take a moment and really think of what he might be trying to get across to you that you could be missing because your looking for the obvious way it should come across instead of the way he is sending his love to you. I completely get you and understand how you feel just want you to look at it from another perspective. Lastly come right out and tell him, that you don't feel loved and want to know if he loves you give him a chance to use his words and tell him how important it is for you to hear it. Good luck