Hello mothers. You all have been so helpful in the past so I’m coming to you again for more help. I want to know if you think blood is thicker than water. I always used to think so but lately I’ve been faced with something that’s changed my mind.
My mother’s sister is notorious for being a gossip hound, pushy, bossy, know-it-all and has always been jealous of my mother for everything. Consequently this has caused many severe issues in their relationship and in my family’s. Some of the things you love her for because it makes her who she is but I had always been told not to trust her. I’m the youngest with quite a large spread between my oldest sibling and I, my sister. My sister has warned me for years that she’s undermining and although she seems like your best friend and is so sweet to you, she will talk trash about everyone you know and love; a devil in disguise no less. My aunt and I had always been close because I was young enough still that she couldn’t cause too much conflict. Inevitably she weaseled her way into my life by talking about my mother, sister, brothers, etc etc. Like any family, we have minor issues with one another but it’s almost like she feeds off of it by constantly asking questions and affirming me that my family has issues and that I need to separate myself from them, that I’m not in the same mental or emotional place as them so I shouldn’t let their issues infect my life, but isn’t she nice because she’s so sweet to me and she’s the only one who’s ever really cared, how I should have been raised by her because my mother has deep seeded issues from her childhood, blah blah blah. Yeah, real soap opera type of stuff.
I always kind of waived it off as “my crazy aunt is at it again” because like I said, I’ve been warned for years. Now here’s where it gets interesting. I went through a divorce a few years ago and through a mutual acquaintance was told that my ex was speaking to my aunt. It was told to me that my aunt would call him so frequently that he even got sick of her calling to bash me and my family, that she felt so bad for poor him because of what I did to him (although he was a cheater and a liar), I should have tried harder to stay in the marriage (he wouldn’t go to counseling), and that I’m “sick” because of how my mother raised me (Christian woman who was not perfect but was wonderful)…and you can imagine where it goes from there. I got in touch with my ex and confronted him on it. He admitted he did speak to her but only because she called so often. And then just to upset me (because he sure did love to do it), he told me all about the horrible, personal things she said about me and my mother (what I wrote is just the tip of the iceberg).
I wasn’t going to tell my mother at first but I did eventually. I knew she was not someone to trust but would she really do this to her own family? Her own niece? To really take the side of that pitiful excuse of a man? Of course my mother was outraged and had a big falling out with her in which my aunt defended my ex to the end. They did not speak for over a year and not until my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized cancer, as part of therapy did she make peace with her (they’re still not really at peace, they’ve just patched over this issue). I have decided then that I don’t want her to be a part of my life. I haven’t got a large family but I have got a few other family members who are wonderful, caring, considerate people who would never dream of doing something like this to me.
Then the phone rings the other day and guess who? My lovely aunt of course. She goes on to tell me that she’s so sorry, she doesn’t even remember why we’re fighting and that I have to forgive her because she’s what’s left of my dwindling family, who will my son grow to know if I don’t include her in my life, that if my mother dies she wouldn’t be able to face me at her funeral because of our strife (real nice), woo woo woo. Believe me, I’m no fool. I think she’s a total loon but she IS my family, unfortunately. I will never be able to trust her again but my mother is very sick and the only reason I feel guilty is because I don’t want my mom to have to deal with this and I don’t want her dying days to be memories of if her and I are going to talk or not. I was thinking of writing her a letter and letting her know how I feel but on the other side I say forget it, she’s not worth it. My mother doesn’t seem to be too bothered by it but I worry of what she doesn’t tell me because I already worry about her so much. Is it worth patching this over for my mother’s sake and peace of mind or am I better off forgetting about her? I really only care to keep happy people in my life who positively influence me but this is a very different circumstance. I know I will always resent her for this. My ex was an awful person and I just can’t get over her taking his side over mine! But I’m feeling like I should try at least. I will tell you though, if my mother was not in this state, I would probably never speak to her again but they are sisters and I don’t want my mother worrying about stupid things like this. Sorry for such a long letter but as you can tell, this is a highly sensitive subject considering the details. Thank you for all the help I’ve already gotten and thank you for your help on this. Please give me your honest opinion. I really need some help with this.
I knew I could count on you! Thank you for the great responses I got. This has really helped me come to terms with my situation and I've decided that I'm not going to involve my aunt in my life. Regardless of my mother's illness, my health and happiness need to be a priority too. Especially the person who mentioned that I'm getting married very soon. You're right! I really do not want my new husband having to get all wrapped up in this garbage. He's here to support me and I completely know he would but I rahter focus on us right now. Thanks again. I feel much more comfortable with my decision.
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T.D.
answers from
Chicago
on
Hi S.,
I too have an aunt like yours (MUST BE THE SAME PERSON)! Even thou I know we are not related I almost thought you were talking bout me. I also have been battling stage 4 breast cancer I thought that my aunt was being sincere when my phone rang after a year of feuding with my family.
SHE WAS NOT SINCERE AT ALL!
I have learned that she is still the same and she is still an evil and jeolous lady. WHY? Because she really want to be like my mom.
S. your aunt wants everything your mom is and has. She is using this illiness as an excuse in an attempt that if your mom die then she can come in the family and get whatever earthly possessions your mom left behind.THATS WHEN YOU WILL SEE THE MASK COME OFF YOUR AUNT FACE.
BUT SHE WILL NOT - JEREMIAH 30:17 (FOR I WILL RESTORE HEALTH UNTO THEE AND I WILL HEAL THEE OF THY WOUNDS SAITH THE LORD;)
LEAVE THIS WOMAN ALONG!
she is bitter about her life and she feel it is too late too change hers. the reason she calls your ex is because she know that you 2 is not really talking and since he maybe bad talking you anyway that was perfect fuel for her fire too keep going. and if your ex was truly aware of her then he should of kept avoiding her but he wanted to bash you as well as get dirt on you thats why he end up talking to her.
your aunt finds people in the family who are fighting and then takes the side with the one who she know that she can twist around her finger the most and keep causing division between the family. The person who stands up too her by talking back or telling her to mind her own business she hate them the most. WATCH AND LEARN !
SPEAK TO DEFEND WHEN DEFENCE IS NEEDED AND DON'T FEED HER ANY INFORMATION ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE LIFE OR AT LEAST WHAT IS GOING ON.
then this aunt will fade away
REMEMBER IF YOUR MOM DOES PASS AWAY SHE WILL NOT WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS EVIL PERSON AROUND YOU OR HER GRANDKIDS.
TAKE CARE AND I HOPE THIS WILL HELP YOU VERY MUCH!
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L.M.
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Blood is thicker than water - your mother & your son's! Let all your focus be on your mother, what is best for her right now, let all else with your aunt go accordingly. You said if your mother were not in the picture, this decision would be easier; bear that in mind. Your mother needs you right now. As for your son and soon to be husband, you need to do what is best for YOUR family; and it doesn't sound like drama queen draining your focus will be best for a fresh marriage and your son. You can remain full of grace and include her for special occasions, but to be a part of your intimate circle, I would reserve that right for those who will build up and help protect your family.
Pray over it and best wishes on your marriage!
L.
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S.B.
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I have read this in the morning today and wanted to take more time then I had to respond. I really feel for you. I had a really bad falling out with my sister because she would do some things like you are saying your aunt does and you know, I finally got sick of it and stood up for myself when I found out she was lying about things I said when she was talking to my mom. I finaally told her how I felt and we did not talk for a couple years. I tried but she was not really nice and did not want to talk to me. I wrote her a letter and the one she wrote back was just like I will be codial that is it. It hurt but oh well, the ball was then in her court. When I had my son, she sent me flowers and that was nice and then I invited them to a party for my girls and they came, and slowly but surly things did get back to somewhat the same. It was never be completely the same but it is alot better4 and we talk alot more now. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple years ago and that was so hard. We got even closer then. She is in remission now thank goodness. My mom had a really hard time with what was going on with us, but you know, she did understand what I was saying because my sister was out of line and that is the character she has displayed over and over again for as long as anyone can remember. I would think about your mom, at least for now and try to make things a little easier for her. I know it is hard, believe me, but you will feel great about doing it. My sister is alot better now about things and not so bad. Sometimes she can be, but nothing like before. Good luck to you. Take care and if you ever need to talk, I am here to listen.
I've had to deal with an unstable relative and a loved one's terminal cancer all at the same time. This horrible illness is stressful enough as it is without the drama coming from (in this case) your aunt. You have to remember now that you're a mom, your son and your husband are your family. They come first. You also shouldn't make any decision to patch things up because of your mom's condition. If your mom wasn't sick would you still want to have your aunt in your life? Your mom knows that you have to do what's best for your family and having your aunt in your life is not what is best. Your time and effort should not be wasted on your aunt. You have bigger issues. I know it may seem hard, but you have to look at this as another illness. Someone like your aunt may not have a diagnosis of any type, but she may have some sort of personality disorder or other mental health condidion. If this is so, then you can look at it as though she's just sick. Most people who behave this way do need help, but they don't think they do and therefore....nothing changes. If you take this perspective, you may even end up feeling sorry for her. What a sad existance. Who would want to be in her place? I wouldn't outright cut her off with a long speech etc because that will just add fuel to the fire, but I would just talk to her only when you have to - at an even you will both attend. And just distance yourself by saying hi, we're all doing well, and not going into any details or giving her anything to use against you. Act like she's just an acquaintance that you see once and a while. I think you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and are capable of doing what is healthy for you and your family. Enjoy them and spend time with your mom so that you have no regrets. I'll be thinking of you. Let us know how things progress. And if you want to talk anymore, send me an email.
