Introducing the Concept of a Long Lost Relative to My Daughter

This is a bit late since Mother's Day has past....but I know kids are resilient and very accepting - and still don't understand all the complexities of relationships, no matter how bright or how well-explained. You can just answer questions as they come honestly, and say the family is very excited about her new 'aunt.' She will probably be happy to get a new aunt as well and may overlook the specifics...if adults talk about stuff in front of her and she has questions, then just explain it in a kid-friendly way and she will accept it....no need to be too detailed, simple answers usually suffice. If she keeps asking, that's good...she will eventually probably get bored asking questions and just go off to play...funny story - my step-kids take for granted I'm their step-mom, but still kind of don't understand the 'family tree.' my daughter was asked to draw one, and she put her bio-grandma and step-granddad as MY parents' parents and then put my DH's ex clumped in with me and my DH, and her half-sister and her and her brother all together under all three of us(even though I have no relation to her bio-mom's DD). I thought it was funny, but didn't correct her because I didn't feel it was necessary - she loves my parents and her bio-grandparents both, so that's what's important any way.

Hi S M,

This is one of those situations that it may be better to see what the father thinks. After all, it is his sister and his daughter(s). Since it is his sister, regardless to whether he establishes a relationship with her does not alter that course. It is a precarious situation, but I would not be so quick to project my personal feelings or hang-ups into it, after all "blood is thicker than water". Plus, when your daughter grows up and goes off to college, you really wouldn't want her to meet and fall in love with a long lost first cousin that her family was too selfish to let her know exists. Trust me, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound a cure.

When I was in junior high, I developed my first crush on a boy that proved to be a third cousin of mine. Our grandfathers were half brothers. Thankfully I was very young and the situation did not have a lasting effect. But it was the same scenario with which you are trying to decide, whether anything would come of the siblings' relationship. Let me assure you it does not matter, the bond is in the blood...which means the relationship is already permanently in place. So let us not be selfish, after all, it is about your husband and how he chooses to handle it. He should have a say in how the facts are disclosed the facts to his daughter also, whom I might add, is presently too young to comprehend the tension you seem to be experiencing, or even that the aunt is long lost. Sometimes we make mountains out of a mole-hills unnecessarily. Yes it does involve you, but only remotely.

Whenever you decide she should find out about it please let her hear it from you and your husband. Last mother's day i got an email from a woman who is my half sister! my parents divorced when i was very young and we havent' really had much contact with my bio-dad. i was disappointed because my brother and i had talked about this before. my mom had known he was cheating on her and that there was a child. come to find out there are two daughters from two different moms! i just wish he would have told us himself. i'm more disappointed that he (bio-dad) didn't admit it when asked about it but that could be why we have choosen to have limited contact with him anyway! good luck. and please remember children are very resilant and loving and the more people in thier lives who love them only makes them better people.

We have a similar situation. My husband has a half-sibling that he has rediscovered during the last few months. While they knew eachother as young children, they were not in contact again until recently. It's a long, horribly tragic story.
So, our oldest daughter(5) knows that daddy has a sister that lives far away (she's in Oregon)and he hasn't seen her in a long time. Since we aren't really close to any of his family, that's not unusual. We have seen her and her child (their cousin)on skype. But, it really hasn't changed our lives in any way.
The uncomfortable part is answering questions about my husband's father, who is serving a life sentence. We just tell how her my husband's parents got divorced when he was a little boy and he doesn't see his dad.

I think things can be explained truthfully, yet minimally. As curious as our daughters are, they are usually quite satisfied with simple, to-the-point answers.

I definitely agree with giving her an age appropriate explanation, but remember that she will take cues from your tone and voice intonations. If you seem anxious, she will be anxious. Leave your "stranger danger" voice behind... tell her somewhat casually the very basics of the situation, then answer any questions she might have in kind. If she senses your worry, she may well become overwhelmed... she will sense that there's something you're not telling her. It sounds like you are all pleased with the situation, so let that come through. Good luck.

Be honest with her. Explain what "family" means and how there are all sorts of families. Sometimes we have family we haven't met yet because of special reasons. Don't scare her with grown up details, just tell her the truth in 5yo speak and answer whatever questions she may have. Good luck!

I had a 3 and 9 year old when I first met my father (and that entire side of my family). I have a half brother and half sister by him. My family (both sides) is spread out all over the place, from NY to CA, so the kids were aware that they had family they never met. They didn't ask many questions at all. Their main interest was in how these new people in my life related to them. As in, "if he's your mama's brother, that makes him your uncle" or "if he's your mama's dad, that makes him your grampa". Beyond that, they didn't really care. They were just happy to meet someone they could call family.

As it turned out, I never really got close to anyone on that side of my family besides my dad and stepmom, but the kids just love gramma and grampa now. They know I have a brother and sister but they never met either of them and frankly, don't give them a second thought.

Bottom line, this is much more emotional for the adults involved. Kids will handle this with ease, especially if you prepare them for your own emotional turmoil, because they will sense that. I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride in the middle of it all and it was good for the kids to know that some things were changing but it wouldn't change the way our family unit works.

It's ok to tell your daughter that daddy's gotten in touch with his sister but he doesn't really know her well. And there's nothing wrong with telling her how people relate to each other in families, defining terms such as sister, aunt, grandparent, etc. My guess is that the most she'll want to know is how this woman relates to her. As for discussions at family gatherings, obviously you want to steer clear of any gossip type conversation, but there's no sense in trying to hide the fact that "daddy has a sister".

my daughter was 6 when this happened and we just went on like normal. we talked about her and met her and everyone was happy. just tell your daughter that her aunt is coming for a visit or that ya'll didnt know weere she was and now uyyou do. most kids doont require as much info as we do on these sorts of things. like when they ask where babies come from you think they want all the details and really just saying that they come from mommy makes them happy.

My husband's father had quite a few children out of wedlock, and he is 43 and we have heard of two new ones in the past 7 years. We just introduce them as aunts and uncles to our kids and they don't ask too many questions. We save the serious conversations for times when they are not around or not paying attention to our conversations. My kids are VERY close with my family as my sister watches them and everyone else lives 10 minutes away. My husband's family lives very far away so we don't see them very often at all. In fact, my 4 and 2 year old have only ever met their grandma and one of my husband's aunts. We will meet them all in July for a family reunion. But I don't think it is out of expectation for you to ask that heavy conversations not be had in front of your young daughter at all. And if all goes well, she will be lucky and have a new aunt :). Good luck!

I have never dealt with this type of situation, but I have always thought the policy of being honest and informing my children about what is going on was the best route. Even though it would be overwhelming, and maybe take a bit to understand after a million questions...I think explaining to her what is going on before the gathering is important. I would probably try to explain to her that sometimes things happen, and parts of families can get seperated and cause them not to know eachother, and her dad is lucky enough to find out that he has a half-sister, which would be her aunt! I would of course tell her all of this in a positive manner, as it is great news, and stray from the why's of how this seperation has happened, or lightly go over it. While you are at it, let her know that you all may not be able to see her anytime soon. If she becomes too anxious and doesn't understand this new aunt not being involved in family stuff, suggest for your daughter to show how welcome she is in the family by coloring her a special picture and sending it to her...something like that.
Even though it seems like it would be easier to keep it from your daughter to not get into the unknown at the moment, but it is so new, and everyone is so interested, I would not disclude her. Good luck! And congrats to a new family member!
K.