I do not usually post on Mamapedia. I am tearing myself up inside and am looking for some support in how to handle my situation.
Here is a brief background;
I was a single mom for 10 years, with 2 children, my daughter was a baby upon marrying.
I have a grown 18 year old son now (his bio dad is in CO), since he was 14 he has worked at ;east 2 jobs consistantly. He bought a car at 16 with our support, and helping us out when my husband had a heart attack. In the summers he would work out of state and stay with family friends until school started. Around 16 yrs of age he had his heart broken by his girlfriend..... long story. He then changed for what I would consider not positive choices. He got in trouble with the law, drugs, and schools. He choose to leave MN and go to his summer job early to "straighten himself out". He came home and all was back to 'normal' (before girlfriend normal). I asked if he had talked to his dad at all? He screamed and swore at me at the tops of his lungs that he wished he was dead, and he had no time for him, why would he be concerned to call him now. After the summer he and our family friends asked if he could home with them (his senior year) and stay- not having a reason to be here we agreed thinking it would help him in staying the straight path and allow him space. Our only agreement was he had to continue with his senior year.
Okay so now we are to this year. He came home in April and May to graduate. He did. He left again.... not even a ceremony or grad party for mom (and I know they are for mom, not the grad). All summer he has been talking once a week with his step dad updating him where he is and what is going on. I have received 2 phone calls at 1:30am to say HI!. I am usually sleeping, I don't really remember the calls. This week he calls me to let us know he is in MN, would we like to do dinner? I agree to 8pm. At about 7:30 pm he calls to change plans, as his bio father has come to see him, so we could make plans later.
I am very upset, why does his bio dad receive preferencial treatment than me. I am the one that has worked 18 years to support my son and his life's goals. He has said no to helping my son when has asked ie when he got in trouble, or drivers ed, or football, even when he asked about meeting his girlfriend. He has kept away until he turned 18- now wants to be his best friend. I am angry with his dad over being the perfect dad after he is raised. He refuses to answer the phone when I call, he calls my son back to ask what I want. He can't be an adult when he needs to be, but can be when he wants to be.
I cannot get my son to understand this. he thinks I am playing games ( a term my ex would use on me all the time).
How can I use words that will help my son understand how I feel about this. He always chooses work over us, and our family. Now he is choosing his bio father over us and our family. My main concern is 1- my youngest would like to see her brother.... because he blew us off for a visit with his bio father we have no other time to see him with school starting Monday, unless we plan to visit the state fair - which we don't normally do.
He won't talk to me, he actually will tell me not now if I text him. My husband does not help, he just says he is 18 leave him alone.
Does anyone know what I can do, or loose my son forever to when he wants me to be his mom?
Thank you for reading this, I appreciate any help
Thank you all for your responses. I will do just that and let him know we are here for him and love him dearly. I do know this is my issue. I do now this is my anger. I want him to understand that I value my family time (what little there is of it) as it is waning fast with my children growing up. I do not have family in state and know how much I did this at my age. Thank you again, your thoughts brought tears to my eyes upon reading all of them.
All you can do is keep the lines of communication open until he is ready to see you. I would once a month or so call him and say you are thinking of him and hope everything is okay.
This is not about you , it is about your son and how he will never get back his time lost with his father. He has wanted this and now each time he gets, he has a unexplainable desire to speak or be with his father,. This is all based on his abandonment issues.
The more you pull, whine (this is what he hears) and ask him to give you attention and time, he feels like you are trying to interfere and since he lost his "first love" he does not want to lose his dad.
As time goes along he will need and want mom again. It is also typical behavior for a teenager this age to move away emotionally from his mother. These kids are getting ready to move onto adulthood and they start to pull away from the people that most want to "parent them". It is not personal, instead it is a sign that you have doe done a good job. You have made him an adult.
Instead of demanding and taking his attentions for granted, let him know how you feel. "I sure do miss you." "Sister talks about how much she misses you." "Tell us a good time for you to meet with us. To spend a weekend with us, go to dinner with us.".
This is a transitional time in his life and thee is only so much of himself he want to put out there. He knows you love him. That is why right know he knows you will understand.
Oh gosh, I understand you feeling hurt but I also see it from his side. He hasn't had a good relationship with his dad, then he gets a chance to meet with him. Yes, he put you off but don't you want him to have a relationship with his dad, even after all this time? It's not about his dad and you, that is, his dad not being there and you doing all the raising...it's about (some) kids needing to know their parents, no matter how badly the parent has screwed up.
Also teenagers just choose to have less time for their parents.
I mean this kindly -- don't make this something it's not. Don't make it about choosing his dad over you. I agree with your husband, give him a little space, don't bring up the issue with his dad anymore (he may be avoiding you so he doesn't have to deal with your hurt feelings) and let him know you'd love to see him when he can.
He sounds pretty mature for 18. I would tell him how him brushing you off makes you feel, and that his sister wants to see him too. Don't blame it on your ex, and don't try to talk him out of a relationship with him. That will just make things worse. He needs to learn that for himself and you will push him away if you try to interfere. At 18 he is probably trying to find himself. I would suggest always being there for him, and seeing how he is doing, but don't expect too much. I'm not saying let him walk all over you, but he will be trying to spread his wings, and if you cling too much, he will push you away.
Okay the best advice is coming from your husband. He's 18 leave him alone.
He's figuring things out right now, he's had a rough life with a father who didn't care enough to be his dad. Its natural for him to reach out to his father with both arms, he desperately wants that connection. Of course he would choose him over you, he already has you. He knows you love him and will always be there for him, he doesn't know that about his father and he needs to find out. If you give him space and treat him like an adult he'll come back to you. Just hold your tongue, stop nagging him, don't talk to him about his father AT ALL, and let him learn how to be a man.
This is another one of those extremely hard times to be a mom. Just be there when he comes to you, and don't have an "I told you so" in your back pocket. :-)
I hear your pain and I understand it completely. You did it all and you feel that at least you deserve a visit.
BUT he doesn't get it. He's not old enough to get it. It's OK, it means that you did such an awesome job that he feels totally secure in your love for him. He's too young to know how lucky he is to have you -- maybe he "knows" that, but he doesn't realize the gravity of it. He can't. He's just too darn young.
Maybe his dad told him it was a now or never visit and he is trying to resolve his own feelings of manhood with the man who should have taught him about it. He's finding out what kind of a man he is, and a lot of that, in his mind, probably has something to do with the kind of man his dad was/ is. Sick, yes, but that's how these things work. He needs to resolve these issues and he knows that if he puts you on the back burner, you'll still be there for him. He knows that. He trusted in your love enough to ask you to wait.
Please understand that he is not choosing his dad over you. Not at all. He never will. He knows what a real parent looks like. Give him the space to figure out his place in the world and he'll come back to you. He'll never stop loving you. He'll never stop needing you.
But he won't tolerate emotional pressure, either. Men that age don't. Let him go. He's yours no matter what, because you've always been his.
Bless you.
although I don't know exactly how to help you, I will say that I understand. My husband's parents divorced when he was 3, he was shuffled back forth until he finally went to live with his maternal grandparents when he was 12. both bio parents were equally horrible (& have since admitted to being terrible parents). Hubby & I have been together for 10 years, & in that time we have only seen his dad twice (the first time for a funeral & the second time because our son almost died & now we havent seen him in 5 years). I always encouraged my hubby to call his dad because i felt they should have some kind of relationship. well in the past 3 years they have been talking on the phone more. whenever his dad calls him, he (my husband) goes back into the bedroom & shuts the doors & is back there forever talking to him, it doesnt matter what is going on, even if he calls when i am setting the table for dinner, he will still talk for 3-4 hours, there have been times when we were ready to leave to go somewhere & me & the kids left without him. it has been hard for me because i did encourage the relationship, but because his father has been so absent for his whole life he feels like he has to talk to him whenever he calls even if its a bad time. i think part of him feels this way because he never knows if it'll be the last conversation they have because his father has been so inconsistent in his life.
now i am saying this because that is probably how your son feels too. my hubby even still talks about how bad a father his was but he talks to him for hours whenever he calls. you have always been there for your son & he knows that, he knows that you will always be there & you should continue to be. but he drops everything for his father because he has not always been there & he might not always be so he feels he has to get whatever time he can with him. is it fair? no! but you should try to understand. with that being said, you should also have a civil conversation with your son telling him how much you miss him & how it hurts you that he doesnt seem to have time for you.
*hugs*
I agree that some of your words point in the direction of you, you, you. (Graduation being for the mom? Really?)
Anyway, as some of the stories below point out, when a child who has been "abandoned" at a young age by one parent, they seek approval and love from the parent who did that. It's natural and sad, but it can be healing for the child IF the parent doesn't continue to hurt him or disappoint him.
While you are letting him have that relationship, you can look deep inside to see what you are doing or not to make him feel loved and cared for. Are you in essence saying: "What about me? Whine, whine." Usually, a kid doesn't understand your sacrifices until they have children, have sleepless nights, have to take off from work with a sick child, have the child say, "I hate you." All that expected stuff.
Do you make him think he always to come to you at your convenience? I'm sure the dad may be sharing some stories with him about your negative side. We all have them. Yes, he may exaggerate or not. Just work on you and changes will ensue. "You can't control anyone else, just you" is a favorite motto that's true.
Tell his sister that she can tell her brother herself how she misses him. If you do it, he might think you are being manipulative for your own sake
. Even if it weren't for all this, boys tend to grow up and away from the parents they take for granted until they need money, have children, or until that parent shows signs of a scary illness or old age. You've seen the comedy skits through the years when the father says, "Son, calll your mother!" Your husband may have done the same thing to his mother and doesn't get why you need that so much, but he can see you're hurting from it. Listen to his suggestions as he is a guy that's been there, done that.
Sounds like he is going through a rough patch and contact with dad seems to have exaggerated things. Maybe the girl that broke his heart seems similiar to something dad has said regarding you and now women are the enemy.
I would tell him, "son, I have been there for you through thick and thin. You may be an adult but I AM still your mother and deserve a certain amount of respect...as do the rest of the family. Your little sister wants to see her big brother and I want to see my son. When will you make that happen? It upsets me more than you know that you have blown us off for anyone."
I wouldn't remind him that his father has never been there...he knows!
He is curious about this man who is is genetic father...who never had time for him and has finally reached out to him. Of course he is going to jump through hoops to see this man and find out about him at treat him special over you...because...he KNOWS you are his soft place to fall, YOU will always be there through thick or thin, YOU will never cut him of suddenly and severely...YOU are his constant loving mother who will be there for him forever. This man is a curiosity and a novelty...
He is 18 an honestly at 18 I was in college and I enjoyed my once a week chat to catch up with my parents...but I didn't have a day to day relationship with them. This was back in the day of long distance and calls were expensive. I wrote home once a week or so...but I was off living the life of a quasi adult.
You know this guy "bio dad" is gonna burn him...cut him off again...or maybe they will have a relationship and end up great hunting/fishing/some hobby buddies...and that will totally suck for you...YOU did all the hard work and this jerk is receiving the benefits. I am SORRY!!
Text your son and just let him know you love him and would like to schedule one time a week to just catch up with him via phone. (I called home on Sunday nights). And leave it at a once a week check in...it HURTS, but he needs his freedom to practice being an adult...and he knows you have his back, he knows you love him...it is just time to let him fly from the nest. Sending you a big HUG!!!
You've done a wonderful job raising your son, be a proud mother. I understand why you are hurting but try to not let it hurt you so much. He does love you very much, and I think he just wants to know his biological father, because this man is part of him. My husband lost his father at the age of 2, never really knew him, only hears stories about his dad. He longs so much for just 5 minutes with his dad. I know your ex could have been part of his life growing up but chose not too. As much as it hurts you be supportive to your son. Let you son know that his little sister misses him and that you would like to see him before classes start. Remind him that you love him and not matter how old he gets he will always be you son, and mommies job never ends. I like what one of the other mother's said and let him spread his wings. You've done a great job, you have memories that your ex will never have, you've raised your son to be a man and I think he's trying to be that.
boy oh boy do i feel for your situation...went thru it with both my kids with their dad...do not take it personal...he was a real jerk to all of us-but kids need both parents love an acceptance-and will go to any length to get it.he treated our daughter like a queen-our son like dirt-my son did everything in his power to get his dad to even notice he was alive-one yr for xmas he bought his dad a video cam-spent like 500.00 on it..his dad gave him a coffee mug from work...that was the eye opener...he gave up on trying to be in his dads life-see our kids know were there for them an we love them no matter what-so we get put to the curb-because they know we will be there for them.now its different my kids are grown-my son owns 2 buisnesses-my daughter is getting married...they come to me for all their issues in life-good or bad...their dad is at the curb now-has been for a long time.just be patient-he will come around-just give him his space..good luck
If the time he blew of your plans for bio dad was the first time his dad had contacted him in a while, I can see why he did it. Doesn't feel any better, but I can see why. I would be honest with him and just let him know that him blowing off a family dinner for bio dad hurt your feelings, and then leave it at that.
My brother is 21 and a senior in college. My 2 kids LOVE their Uncle, but he's super busy. We have to schedule time with him just so my kids can see him for 2h during a 1 week visit.
As for bio dad, bio dad isn't going to replace you in your son's eyes. He's a grown up and will see his dad for what he is. Just be patient. He will be back. Just don't let him control the terms of contact. Keep the lines open and wait.
M.
