In Need of Moving Advice

Sorry but there are very few circumstances where I think it's OK for a custodial parent to move out of state. If your ex provided no support, didn't use his visitation, and you lived in an area where you couldn't support yourself and your child due to circumstances outside of your control (an industry drying up or moving out of the region, disability, needing to care for an aging parent, etc.) and the move put you closer to family or you had a job there that you couldn't get where you live, then it's reasonable. Outside of scenarios like that? Not so much. This seems more like a wish than a necessity the way you phrased it.

Why do you want to move? I think that you will need to be prepared to argue that to your ex and, if contests, to a judge. And you need to be prepared to have him fight you for custody over it. My son has a friend whose mom tried to move out of state...his dad fought for custody and won, so now the boy lives here with his dad, step-mom and half sibling during the school year and he spends summers visiting his mother out of state.

I hope you can find a solution that works for all of you but be very careful moving forward and before you start down this road, make sure that it really is your only option. Because to take a child away from a loving, involved parent for long periods of time for any reason other than pressing need would be selfish and cruel to the child (and the other parent).

This does not sound fair. It sounds horrible for your ex and your child. Imagine if your ex had custody and decided to move out of state so you would only be able to see your child in the summer and winter vacation. Custody is only fair if you would feel comfortable being either partner in the arrangement. I suspect if you think of it that way you will realize how awful what you are proposing will be to your son and his father.

If you really want to move, you should consider giving primary custody to your ex (your son won't need to move) and asking for part of the summer and for winter vacation. If you wouldn't do this - how can you ask someone else to?

@Doris Day - it is not horrible for a 7 year old to move - with his family. It is horrible to move a 7 year old away from a parent so that he will only see that parent twice a year.

Please don't do this to your son! What a terrible arrangement this would be and when would your son see your ex the years it was your turn to have your son during summer break? Winter vacation IMHO just won't cut it! I really hope you reconsider moving for your son's sake.

ETA: I wouldn't take my kid away from their father. No. It's NOT fair to your son to only see his dad during the summer. Would you only want to see your dad over the summer? Just because YOU say it's not a "quality" relationship doesn't mean it isn't one.

S.,

You need to check with a family law lawyer to find out if you can take your son out of state while there is still shared custody/visitation.

You need to have a plan in place and be able to show you are prepared and financially able to make this move and provide for your son.

When you go to talk with your ex-husband about this? You need to tell him your plan, why you are doing this and how it will affect him. How far away are you planning on moving? When are you going to start looking for a job at your new location? Will you be selling your home? There are so many unanswered questions.

See a lawyer before you discuss it with your ex so you know you can do this.

Good luck!

I'm sorry but I have to wonder what it would be like for your son to only see his father every other summer and every other winter break???
Your post addresses you, your ex and the court, but not a single word about your child's needs/wants.
I'm divorced with a 17 year old still at home and I make sure to live very close to her dad and extended family, I can't imagine NOT doing that :-(

The families I have seen who live far apart the noncustodial parent usually gets a large part of every summer, every spring break, and at least part of every winter break, seems only far since the custodial parent has the entire rest of the year. Every other summer is insane, imagine how you would feel only seeing your child every other year, or for only a week on those alternate years (with the winter break). I would fight you if that was your suggestion.

But the bigger question is, what does it say in your custody agreement? My BILs agreement said that if either parent decided to leave town they gave up they custody to the other parent, but they shared 50/50 custody, I am assuming your agreement may say something different or nothing at all. Just be sure when you are trying to decide what sounds fair you put yourself in the other persons shoes and think about how you would feel if you got their level of visitation.

I have gone through this but from your ex's shoes. My husband and I have a daughter from his first marriage. His ex has talked on and off about moving our daughter to Florida. His ex tells us that we could see her over the summer and on school holidays. I am sorry but I can't wrap my brain around one parent doing this to another parent or a parent thinking it is in the best interest of the child to limit contact with another parent who loves the child. What kind of message does it send to the child about the role of dads? Would you be ok only seeing your son over the summer? Hubby and I have prayed and kept our fingers crossed that his ex doesn't follow through on her plans to move. Sorry if I sound overly harsh with my response but this question hits very close to home.

I live a mile away from my ex and not by coincidence. We agreed to live so close so we could both be involved in her school and sports. We were at every function together and most didn't know we were divorced. Visitation was always fluid and flexible, it was perfect for our daughter. We also decided not to complicate matters with new spouses. This worked for us but certainly not for others.

Try to build your son and his dad's relationship, he deserves that. Your idea of alternating summers is insane, you would all go crazy.

Hi S.,
I would see a family attorney and discuss your situation first. The attorney may have some ideas as to how to approach your ex and visitation options.
While your sons dad may not take advantage of his time make sure you keep those visitations open to him. As I do not know how far you are moving I cannot offer scheduling advice however make sure your son has opportunities to grow his relationship with his father. If his father chooses not to then that's his loss.

Due to my sons special needs (transitions are a b*tch) we have an unorthodox schedule - one week with dad and one week with mom.......we do however live a few miles from one other however I do understand that some circumstances call for an open mind when it comes to scheduling. Best of luck to you.

My sister went through a long distance moving scenario. In her case, her husband was in the Army and they were stationing him elsewhere. She also secured a job for herself (she is an RN) before approaching the court for permission. The new visitation was 2/3rds of every summer and every other winter break, airfare cost to be paid 50/50.

It was the ex's mother who tried to stop the move. (She couldn't, because of the solid reasons.) The ex didn't care, as he barely bothered to take his scheduled weekends, but he made a big show of it. When the time came for the first summer, he wouldn't even pick his kid up from the airport. She spent the summer with other people. He wouldn't buy her return ticket either. When winter break time was approaching, he said to not bother sending her because he was busy. My sister submitted this stuff to the judge, who nullified the mandatory visitation obligation.

I also have a friend who had an original agreement that stated neither parent could move more than 50 miles away. (That is actually quite small, many distance clauses say 100-200 miles.) My friend wanted to move out of her rented trailer park home and into a house that she would own, about 60 miles away. She had to go to court because her ex said No even though it wouldn't change the visitation schedule. The judge granted the move, with the added stipulation that she do 50% of the driving for visitation.

This is the best advice I can give you - don't approach this with a vague 'chance at a better life and educational purposes' or 'this town is going down the hole'. You need to line up employment or apply to a college so that you have a job offer or acceptance letter in hand to show the court. Without one or both, you can be told No to the move.

I disagree with the poster who says you should give up custody to your ex if you move. She acts like it's horrible to move a 7 year old. I moved multiple times over my childhood. There is nothing wrong with moving with a child.

Lots of parents end up having to do this in order to get better jobs, move somewhere cheaper, etc. The issue isn't moving. It's making an fair arrangement.

You'll need to offer more time for your ex to have your son - every other summer and alternating winter vacation won't be enough.

Do make sure that you read all the fine print of your court agreement.

Check with an attorney first to find out your legal obligations. There are varying rules on moving a child out of state (away from a parent). Once you know how you stand legally, you can figure out how best to discuss with your ex. The good news is, if he already travels a lot for his band, traveling to see his son shouldn't pose that big of a problem.

It would depend on what is in your divorce decree or your custody agreement. If it is silent, then you might be able to. However, every other summer and every other winter vacation? Yeah, not going to fly. Most likely, he would get one month over the summer and winter breaks. You will have to deal with that. In addition, you might be required to drive and pick up your son for visitations every month or fly depending on location. At your expense since you are the one moving.

I would visit my attorney first before I talked to my ex. I would want to have all my ducks in a row before I opened that can of worms.

Moving for economic reasons is acceptable. Depending on how your decree is worded, you may have more or fewer hassles about moving. I think you should see your lawyer about about the specific requirements/prohibitions in your agreement.

Your child's father only sees him every other weekend, and only for one overnight? That is absolute minimal visitation, so I assume he's either totally disinterested or there is some horrible problem with his parenting.

I think giving up entire summers is going to be incredibly stressful for your child, and for you and you ex. That is just a massive adjustment for everyone, particularly your child. I can't see that working at all. Every other winter break is one thing, but why aren't you splitting more vacations so your son can see him more often for shorter periods of time? You would send your child for 2 or 2.5 months to someone he hasn't seen in a year if it's the "off" year for winter break? And you would expect your ex to just fall into the custodial parent role for that length of time without having seen his son for a year? Maybe you mean something other than what you wrote here. I hope so!

It does not matter one whit what his mother wants or chooses to fight. She has no say here.

My husband fought like a bear to see his kids more than 2 weekends a month. My friend's ex husband moved out of state and gave up shared custody (Wednesday - Friday at his house, and every other weekend, plus going to all the school events and so on. He now barely sees the kids once a month (if there's a 3-day weekend, it's his weekend) and have the vacations and half the summer minus when the kids are in overnight camp. One kid is 8, one is 11. And he's an idiot who doesn't pay much support (he's 4 months behind), bought a new car but "can't afford" to pay for the kids, and quit his job with good pay and benefits because he's "stressed", and got married and bought a house. And he still sees his kids more than your ex does.

If yours is not involved and maybe not paying, then you move where you can afford to raise your son, educate him, and have a reliable job.

Again, talk to the lawyer! Don't talk to the ex and certainly don't talk to his mother until you have your ducks in a row.

Talk with the father. There's no need to be afraid.

Has he shown interest in visitation of more than every other weekend? Shared custody? Summer or Winter recess? If not, why not? How active as a father is he?

For some fathers, 4 days a month is good enough for them. I believe you as his primary custodial parent have the right to move. Especially if in moving there is a better opportunity for you and your son. Be wise nevertheless, not afraid. Post your concern on avvo.com for free advice from lawyers.

I moved before. Twice. It was the right decision both times. Very little debating. No courts involved. No drama.

First, it's not up to his mother unless she should decide to take you to court. Is dad currently an active parent? If so (rhetorical question), why would you want to break that bond by separation? There are so many parents that are not a part of their children's lives, so if he is an active parent, I (personally) would do anything to keep that intact.

When I left the state, my attorney told me to ask him (the biological father) to sign a note stating he give permission for us to leave and then hold on to that written statement. So we did.

It depends on him. A few kids in my child's school have a parent who rebuilt a life and moved to another country with their new spouse, while others have a parent who travels to other countries and stays there for a few months due to work, or they travel often to care for an elderly relative that lives out of the country. The kids will spend every summer and winter break with that parent (sometimes joining them on leisure trips to other countries than the one they reside in), and they then stay the rest of the time with the custodial parents during the school year. Skype or FaceTime is used to supplement the child's time with the parent that lives elsewhere. Everyone is fine and on board with that arrangement. Sure, some people may judge (and probably do, often), but it's their family, their choice, and what works for them. I imagine this happens often even if a parent moves to California while the other one is in Louisiana, because it's quite a schlep. How far will you be moving? Perhaps if it's a few hours away, it won't upset him and his mother so much because they could take the train or you could drive up on long weekends with the child so they can spend time with him.

If he fights you about moving out of state then you're going to have a battle on your hands. He could win unless you have absolute good reasons for moving. Such as a job promotion or marriage but the judge could view it as unnecessary and say dad gets everything.

It's likely he'll get whatever visitation he requests.

I'd say he would get every vacation out of school and YOU'D have to pay all travel expenses. It's not his choice that you move so it shouldn't be his expense to see his child.

Every summer, every spring break, every winter break, every fall break. It's only fair. He's old enough that he should have almost unlimited time with his dad unless dad is abusive or not a person he should be around.