In-Law Question!

I have opted to pay for daycare rather than deal with this issue. My MIL would love to watch my little one when I go back to work in August but after hearing some of her opinoins about child rearing & watching her ignore my sweetie crying while she was in her arms, I decided we could come up with the extra money for daycare somehow.

Good luck with this one. MIL tend not to listen because they are the "professional" mothers. (my own mom is like this as well)

SALT & SHERBERT, seriously & they laugh it off!!!! I wouldn't allow them around my kids unless I was there. It's only going to get worse, be prepared.

And you should absolutely know where your 6 mo old twins are at at all times, even when they are with the grandparents or anyone that is in charge of their care.

It's really hard because she's doing you a favor. It sounds like she's used to being able to push herself into the drivers seat with a smile on, though. I think it is essential that she respect your requests. God forbid she is out driving the twins around and has an accident. Then what?? That could potentially leave you out of the loop. I would kindly, and respectfully let her know that these babies are your life and you could not imagine life if anything, god forbid, goes wrong. Let her know you appreciate her taking care of the twins, and you think it's a great opportunity to bond. BUT- You really need her to respect your boundaries.

I think you are being very gracious, respectful and mindful. I think you are absolutely right, though.

I think their attitude, which does come from their experience with their past with their son and his first child, should be addressed in a sit down conversation. You need to get their attention. OH, wait, I mean, your HUSBAND needs to get their attention. My MIL and I are very close friends, but for something like this, her son would do the talking. He needs to sit down with you present and thank them for all their help, give them respect for their wisdom and state in no uncertain terms that you two make the rules and they must be followed. You must state that you have strong beliefs about child rearing, and while you acknowledge the great job they've done with your hubby and his daughter, you insist on raising your child by your rules, even if they differ from theirs. Your presence in this talk is important. They need to get the hint that while they have treated him like a child, that is not their priveledge with you. You do have to stand up for yourself as a mother.

Be as gracious and thankful as you have been in this post and I don't see any reason for them to be upset. I bet mom would understand your perspective.

You are absolutely not out of line. Point blank you are your child's mother and it is your right to know where they are. What if something happened and you didn't know about it? Not to blow it out of proportion or anything, but you aren't saying that your child can't go on outings, just simply let you know.

If she crosses the line and does it anyway, I would definitely bring it up to her and I wouldn't feel bad about it at all. Just keep things in perspective and keep it respectful.

Just my opinion..

Yes this is a big but common problem. I have similar issues with my MIL - it's the "i raised 4 kids and gave them steak at 6 weeks so I don't have to listen to you" thinking - VERY annoying.

I haven't exactly found a solution except to spell out exactly what my MIL is allowed to do and feed my child - she watches her two days a month and I am seriously thinking about finding another plan as she completely and totally disregards everything I say.

You are 100% right to insist on knowing where she is taking your twins at all times. Insist on it.

Keep a journal for the twins (of their activites, and food); and tell her she needs to fill out a log of what they ate and did each day, that might help. I do it with some success - I used to actually had to print out a schedule for the day for my MIL to have any chance of following my little one's routine, but now that she's nearly three it simpler.

ANyway, I agree that trying to talk it out and having your husband take stand is ideal but can;t imagine your husband will suddenly do so given the past. Many men simply cannot stand up to their parents.

God luck, you are not alone!

Oh dear. I have very similar issues with my MIL and it is VERY hard! We have had both food issues and issues with not keeping the crib free of pillows etc, and car seat issues!! She too gives me the brush off and expects that she knows best b/c she raised 6 children, blah, blah, blah! It's frustrating and hurtful and annoying, I feel your anger! I would normally say that your husband should step in since it's his parents and really put his foot down, but since you said the lines are already a bit blurred from past experiences, I'm not too sure it will be effective. I still think you should try it though.

I think at least you both or just him should have a sit down with them and explain as nicely as possible that you value their opinion and look to them for their experience but these are your children adn you really need it to be done your way. I wouldn't threaten removing the kids from her care unless you are really planning on doing that or could do that, but it's not out of the question, in my opinion. Also, maybe you could check in on them throughout the day and just ask numerous questions like what have they eaten today, where have you gone, etc. I would do it under the guise of just inquiring and being friendly, not accustoary, but you need to make sure your wishes are out in the open, even though you have done it before. She may find it annoying but oh well, maybe it will annoying enough for her to start following your rules.

I often get strange looks and pretty much told I'm crazy by my in-laws, but I do what I feel is right and continue to do it. Sometimes it wears me down, but you have to bridge the gap for both your husband and your kids. I actually have a fairly good relationship with my in-laws, even though it may not sound like it at the moment, and I'm sure you do too, but grandchildren really change the game, don't they!?

This is not an easy issue to fix and I think it will take a lot of work on everyone's part, but hopefully they will start respecting your wishes and they can talk about you all they want as long as they do what you say, right! ;)

No you are not overbearing. Spoiling is not the same as overruling the parents' rules. When grandma is babysitting on a daily basis, that is different than an occasional Sunday at Grandma's where you get dessert even if you didn't finish your dinner. Feeding babies things that are not recommended for them is a health issue. You may be blessed to have free childcare by someone who loves your babies, but the inlaws really need to get some education on health and safety. Get a note from your doctor stating what they can eat and why salt, sugar, etc are harmful. I think that you should know where to find your children. If her "job" is to care for infants, then they should be cared for in her home and if she is taking them someplace, I would want to know where they are.
You may need to have a frank discussion and if it is a problem, you will need to decide what is more important - avoiding unhealthy things, not knowning where your kids are, or having the free childcare. I think you should let her know that you appreciate her care, but it's okay for you and hubby to explain that this is not the same situation as when the stepdaughter was born, that you are actively parenting your children and do not need anyone else to step in and make decisions for them.

Hi J.!

I do not think that you are overreacting with your in-laws.
I think that in-laws should respect the parents of their grand children and their choices in parenting. They should at least not go against their decisions of how to raise their children. I had the same problem with my MIL. It ended up being a disaster and I ended up being the worst DIL. Good luck!!

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume for now that you are not paying them. That means they are not the hired help. So I do think you need to respect the idea that they raised your husband and that they do know what they are doing. A little salt and sugar isn't going to harm your son. We haven't given my grandson any of that and now he's 10 months old and refusing most homemade food because he doesn't like any salt or spice. My oldest daughter was taught to love food, all food from 4 months of age by my mother in law. It didn't hurt my now very healthy 25 year old at all. I respected my elders at first and tried hard to learn from them. As they got older I took issue with a few things and for the safety of my children tried to keep their time alone with them to a minimum. But that's just because their generation didn't believe in doctors that much! They let my daughter walk around in a bloody diaper rash and didn't tell me when they had her for a couple of weeks. I hated being away from her anyway and couldn't wait to get her back.

To address the informing you about trips.... That's kind of over the top, but not so much maybe. I don't inform the parents of my daycare children when we are going someplace close. I always ask before we go anyplace far. I stay off the highways to protect us all. It feels insulting when a parent tries to get me to inform them of every little trip. I don't have the time to stop and call all the parents. So I don't. I am also going to assume they have a cell phone and keep it on? In my household, we all have cell phones. That should mean that both your mother and father in law should have phones. The whole point of cell phones is so we can reach each other at a moments notice.

However, your children are babies and two babies can be hard for one person to handle by themselves. I've always had a mixed group of children and older children to help with the hand holding. I wouldn't take 2 infants out with 2 car seats etc. Is grandpa retired too and helping with these outings? If yes, I think you need to back off. If no, I think grandma needs to stay home as much as possible until they are older. But you can't tell her what to do unless you want to pay her the going rate for childcare for 2 infants.

I don't think you are overbearing, but you do sound high-strung.

Pick what is most important and phrase it in a way that sounds like a compromise. Like: I want to know when you are going to take the kids for a drive, but if you are just walking with them in a stroller, of course you don't need to tell me (unless you want her to tell you that). Or that she gives your kids a taste of grown up food, but feed them baby food otherwise.

however, compromise might not be possible. In that case you have to put your foot down and accept the possibility of having to pay for daycare this summer and completely alienating you MIL.

J.,
Regardless of what you believe for sugar, salt, breastfeeding, formula, whatever, you have to be there for your kids.

Anyone who doesnot regard your wishes/desires/needs for your children as tantamount to their own is not working in your children's best interest. Family included.

I hope you receive this and understand that I have read quite a bit from others who have actually had to cut off family visits/connections for a while for them to get the message that running roughshod over what they the parents wanted was not only not okay, but not to be tolerated.

This may sound extreme, but it is what one Mom I met HAD to do. Her son has multiple sensitivities for food, as well as behavioral issues related to food, and other issues as well. Grandma, thinking the Mom is making all this up and sneaking her son a delicious cookie was not only NOT helping, but very damaging. 6 months to undo a simple cookie! Aunties thought the same thing. After going to NYC and other locations to get her son diagnosed with his sensitivities and other problems (it took awhile to get a pediatrician who understood that his activities were just NOT normal), everything is just trampled on by a simple cookie. I am still in awe of her for doing this. It doesn't just take guts. It takes stamina and fortitude and a whole host of courage.

You are nowhere near overbearing. You are not overprotective. You are being a MOM and you are being way too soft on them, IMO. Location, food intake, anything.

I'm sure this sounds rather over-the-top, but then you haven't GOT food sensitivities for your children. What happens if you do? What sets the stage for them to listen to you - believe you - and follow YOUR directions with YOUR children because YOU are responsible?

Good luck hon, you are going to need it. I hope you keep in touch and if you need an ear, I'm here.
M.

No, I don't think you are out of line. These are your babies and she should respect your wishes. But, if I were in your position, I would look at hiring someone else to watch my children or use a daycare center. It may be worth it to maintain civil relations. If you allow your MIL/FIL to babysit and they don't respect your wishes, it will build tensions and resentment. I think the "older" generation thinks they know more than we do when it comes to child rearing and they have a hard time respecting our boundaries. Raising children today is different than years ago. Parents today are more educated and have access to more information regarding our children's welfare.

The only real answer to this that I can see is to not have your MIL watching the twins!! You already KNOW she is not going to accede to your wishes and it is pretty obvious to me, if she is feeding 6 month old babies salt and sherbert that she really has no business being in charge of them!!
I can still remember, when my youngest child was about that age...and was being exclusively breastfed...my MIL decided to feed her mashed potatoes and some nice greasy red eye gravy!!! I almost choked the woman with my bare hands!!!
I know that it is going to save you a LOT of money to not have to pay for child care for 2 infants for 3 months....but you and your husband need to weigh whether or not it is worth it. I can foresee tension and anger...and both sides....and I just don't know if it would be something that I would want to risk.
I really feel like your inlaws are WAY out of line...but it sounds like your MIL is very overbearing and opinionated. You and your husband are the ones that are in charge of deciding how to raise your children and it is the grandparents job to support those decisions. I think that you and your husband need to present a united front right now....that is your only choice.

Most of what you said sounds like every grandma out there, so I would not worry so, but it is not unreasonable for you to know where your children are at all times, that is what any mother would want.

I don't think you're being overbearing. Every parent has the right to have rules and guidelines as to how they would like their kids being raised. That being said... Grandparents tend to look at grandkids as a second chance to spoil a child and do the things they would never allow w/their own kids (or would... things were different when we were kids.... i.e. salts and sugars)

I think you need to weigh whether or not it's all worth your babies being taken care of in a way you don't care for. I assume they are watching them for free? So you have to decide is the convenient child care worth the frustration of them not following your rules. If so, you keep trying to get them to do things they way you want. If not, you pull them out and find someone who will follow your rules.

Best of luck!

I don't think you are out of line at all. You're the mom, they will get used to the need to do it your way in time. Babies don't need their food salted, and if you want to hold of on introducing them to sugar thats also your call. Just be nice about it and give in where you can. I also struggled with my mother who was used to doing things a certain way with her first grandchild. I found if I told her why i was doing it a certain way she did better. Also with in-laws, there were lots of introductions to things like ice cream and soda that I wasn't going to have at all, but they did it when I wasn't there. I realized my ideals were very high and instead of letting them have it, I explained why I din't want my kid to try soda from here on out. I had to really conceal my anger because they are just doing what grandparents feel they have a right to do. I think sometimes you have to weigh your ideals against being "the big wet blanket" and see where you can give. But definitely, grandparents aren't reading up to date parenting tips that we are so you have to educate and explain your preferences.

Deja-vue. I'm going through the same thing. The only difference is that my MIL lives with us. I think with most MILs, they have raised their sons/daughters differently than we were raised so right there is a difference. My MIL didn't really raise her children, because it's a different culture were she's from. There the grandmother completely raises the grandchildren until they are 6-8 years old, so the habits are already formed. Our other problem with MIL is that she does some pretty dangerous stuff, since she's a senior citizen like letting our son jump on the couch, put lawn chairs on the swings to use as a climbing challenge, lets the stove on, ties the outside door open, etc.

So what do I do? Explain why you don't do some of the dangerous behavior and pray she listens....Have our son check the stove frequently to tell her when she's forgotten to turn it off...Call her when there's been a robbery to keep the doors shut...Have my work number handy and explain to my supervisor that she's "old."

So far I've been called to come home to clean up dog poop, (Not anymore, our dog is now used to the house.) take her to the emergency room for a broken back from her riding a scooter really fast down our hilly driveway, and take her to the emergency room for tripping over a cinder block when she was playing basketball.

You are not at all out of line to want to know where your children are at any given time until they are 18 years old; in fact, it is imperitive that you know...whether they are in the care of a sitter, at a friend's with the friend's parents, OR with their own grandparents. There could be times when emergencies arise on either end (to you and your husband or to the grandparents/other caretakers), and ultimately, the child's parents need to know how to locate their child immediately (think 9/11, heart attacks, strokes).. Of course, your MIL probably has a cellphone but still, what if SHE had a stroke or fainted while out? This happened to a member of my extended family at age 52 recently. At least you would have an idea of what part of town your baby was in when the ambulance picked the MIL up, heaven forbid it should happen. But really, you don't need reasons/excuses. It is just a simple fact, you should know where your child is headed and located in general at all times, day and night, no matter who the caretaker is at the moment.
My daughter and I have talked about our expected baby boy, and if I am caring for him, say if she is shopping or working occasional days. He will have a label ( made of cloth with permanent marker lettering, pinned well to his garment somewhere) stating his parents' name and cellphone numbers and his pediatrician's name and number, just in case I, myself, should become incapacitated with him in my care. And certainly, I will let her know to what part of the area we will be taking our walks, our usual park playground hangout, ice cream store, etc. And while I will have a cellphone with me, I insist also on the I.D. tag being on his clothing - perhaps pinned under his sweater or onto his diaper--somewhere so that it will be found if he should become disattached from his Grandmama and so that his parents can be located immediately by the emergency helpers.
As for feeding and allowing activities not permitted by his own parents, you really must talk to your MIL and tell her how much you sincerely appreciate her wonderful help, but that this is something you (like she when she was a young mom) need to decide on for yourself and how much you would appreciate her understanding this. "Spoiling one's grandchild" to the point of going against his own parents' will is no excuse for rude behavior, i.e., for a grandparent to override a parent's preferences, if these preferences are not harmful to the baby. Praise her for her good care of the baby and for her ideas that are good ones, but stick to your guns and do not be intimidated by "The Look" when you suggest something not be done that you don't want done with your own child.

Bottom line is that these are your children, not hers and you and your husband are in charge. Research your choices, and stick with what you believe is right. It is awesome that your MIL will watch the children and save you the hassle and expense of daycare, but that does not mean that you have to play by her rules. I agree that you should have her go to the pediatrician and listen to the latest research on what is best for babies. I found out from my parents and in-laws that the dr.s wrote out a menu that included giving meat to us at an early age. Now the research shows something different. Definitely make sure that your husband will back you up when you sit down with your MIL and talk about how grateful you are that she can do this and spend time with her grandchildren. But be firm about the rules for caring for the babies. Why on earth would someone give a baby salt??? Sherbet at least is fruity and soft...but salt?

You are NOT out of line at all. Something I would suggest is having MIL come with you to one of the Well Visits at the Pedi (warn the Dr ahead of time or the nurse privately to let the Dr know) so that He/She can help you "educate" the MIL on how things are done now. Sometimes hearing it from a Professional will get it through their heads. Also what about "grandparent classes" at the hospital? If all else fails - Day Care or Nanny. Let MIL know that she raised her son and now you get to raise your children. End of Story.

Not in my opinion you aren't! My mom used to watch my oldest when he was 18 months old and I went back to work part time. She knew my rules...about things I didn't want on TV for instance when he was around as she used to watch things like Law & Order and other violent type shows throughout the day. I would come in a few times from work and find these very things on even though I had repeatedly asked her not to. I finally told her that I understood she had her opinions but that he was my son and it was up to ME to decide what was on TV around him. I told her that while I thoroughly appreciated her watching him, I was going to have to make other arrangements if she couldn't respect my wishes. I don't know what I would have done if she said "so do that" but I can tell you, I would have. *I* am his parent. She had her time parenting ME.

She changed her ways though and, as far as I know, respected my wishes for the remainder of the time she watched him as I became a full time SAHM when my second son was born the following year.

Do you have anyone else who could watch the children? I am sorry but helping your child out in a time of need does not give the right for you to make them feel like less of a parent. That's ridiculous. I would absolutely show her the boundaries again and if she refuses to listen tell her that you appreciate her help but you are going to start looking for childcare because she cannot respect your wishes.

As far as her telling you where they go...ABSOLUTELY. Things happen! She may be the best grandparent in the world but accidents happen every day. What if they go out and get into an accident and nobody knows where they are?? Don't let this woman take away your parenting role the way she did your husband.

Take care.

I don't know your in-laws, but it sounds like that would make me uncomfortable too. After carrying and birthing your twins...you're the parent. I don't allow my boys to go somewhere without me knowing. I would hate for something to happen and I wouldn't be able to say where they are. My husbands mom and grandma watched my son while I went to class. When I came back he was sleeping, but his food wasn't touched. They tried telling me that he just fell asleep. It made me very uncomfortable, so they didn't baby-sit him again until he was two years old. I'm the mom, it's my choice...if the situation permits.

"Spoiling rules" change depending on how often granparents interact in life of children. If your in-laws only saw the kids a few times a year, then maximum spoiling is ok. If they are part of the daycare, then spoiling must be minimized and they have to learn how to control those impulses.
Defintely grandma should inform parents if she takes kids to even the playground down the street. This is part of daycare...no daycare would take your kid off-site without your knowledge. Grandparents have weird ideas from the past, but most grandparents (if you listen in when they get together with other grandparents) marvel how child-rearing has changed. Make a trusted baby book available (leave it on a coffee table) and refer to it when you are talking!

If you don't stand up to them now it will only get worse.

You are definitely not being overbearing. They are YOUR children and in the end your responsibility. You need to be direct with your MIL and tell her that she really needs to respect your wishes. It's only normal that you should want to know where they are. God forbid something were to happen while they're out with your babies. You should always know where they are. I'm 35 and my mother still knows where I am when I go out with my kids. You just never know what might happen. Better safe than sorry. Do not let the grandparents walk all over you or your husband. You guys need to be on the same page when it comes to this. Draw the line early before it becomes the norm for them to do as they please with your children. Good luck!

I am a bit of a control freak myself when it comes to my 10 month old son. I am also laid back with alot of things.

I totally understand the issue about your mil feeding your babies salt and sherbet when you want to go by the book in the beginning. I totally agree with you on that . I don't think sugar and salt should be fed to babies when they first start on solids. I am sure eventually she will give you the line "back in the days when we were raising our children we gave them anything we eat and they turned out fine". While there is some truth in that I still want to go by the book more when it comes to feeding.

As for you asking your mil to let her know if she takes your babies out, I think that is a total legitimate question to ask. It's more like you want to know where they are in case something happens and it's not like you are asking your mil to tell you exactly where they are going every time they go out.

I don't live with my mil but so far she's been very respectful of what I want to do with my son. She will make her suggestions as to what I can do but she will never ignore my wishes and do as she pleases. She is also very careful with her words to make sure she is not coming off as if she is telling me how to raise my child.

I think if it becomes worst i.e. she continues to "spoil" your babies too much or ignore your wishes then I think it's time to talk to your husband first and then see how he feels about it and maybe both of you can talk to your mil. I am hoping your husband will side with you.

Good luck and hope everything works out for you.

I don't think you're being over bearing. My in-laws have always liked to take our baby to different places. I don't care if it's just around town, but when they go to different cities they let me know of their plans when I drop her off or they call. Our thinking is, what if something happens? Not that I don't trust them, but kids have accidents all the time. Or what if they get into a car accident? If i know where they are I can, not only help them, but I am able to get the baby to an urgent care, or atleast know which hospital she would be taken too. Sometimes we even leave a duplicate of our daughter's medical card with them. Now, I am far from a control freak, but to me it's simple...better to be prepared. Good luck!

Hi J.
My in-laws can be the same with my kids and they really don't see them often because they live in England. For that one reason, I do let a lot of stuff go....BUT there are some things that I have to put my foot down on. For example when my kids were still having milk in bottles my in-laws said I should add sugar to the bottle to sweeten it. I never had any problems getting them to drink a bottle of milk and made it very clear that this was not acceptable (my husband backed me up on this too). When they stepped over teh line and put sugar in their milk my husband really had words with them.
Sometimes now they will say "oh it's ok, let them have that" when i have told them no to something. Sometimes I will let it go and other times I will assert myself.
I think if they lived closer and actually looked after the kids I would definitely assert myself much more. You do need to pick your battles and work out what are the important ones that you need to "fight" with them, and what you are willing to let go.
Bottom line though, they are your children and even grandparents should abide by the "rules" you set for your children.