If You Tried to Get Pregnant, but Wasn't Able To...

My bff and I were pregnant together, about a month apart. I miscarried. She did not try to ignore what was going on or pull back from me. She was there for me and did not try to leave me out of her pregnancy. Hope this helps

You have every right to be happy and joyful about your new pregnancy.

Regardless of the news after IVF attempt #?, tell her in a private moment, one on one, take her hand, look her in the eye and say something like,

"Our friendship means the world to me. Regardless of how we become parents and how many times we become parents, you are one of my dearest and sweetest friends. And I never want our differences in fertility to come between us. Ever. Do you believe me? Good, because we are expecting #3 now."

I would be tempted to tell her before she finds out if she is or not. I dealt with infertility for over 7 years and trust me, if she isn't pregnant, it won't matter how long you wait or how you tell her, she will be happy for you but upset that one more friend is pregnant and she isn't. If you tell her beforehand, you can tell her how you are hoping and praying that the two of you will get to be pregnant together. I just think it will be easier for her if she still has a glimmer of hope that she might be pregnant, too.
Just a thought.

If she isn't, I hope she will seek the advice of another specialist. I have known LOTS of people who have dealt with infertility. One had a septum in her uterus and miscarried over and over until she went to a new specialist who figured out her problem. She has two kids now. :)

I don't know how to answer you question, I just wanted to say don't feel guilty if you don't even consider Casey's idea. Personally, I would NEVER be able to give up one of my children even for my best friend. So don't feel guilty if you couldn't either. And don't feel guilty for being pregnant (Congratulations by the way). I hope you get lots of great answers!

I tried for almost 6 years to get pregnant. We went through multiple failed fertility treatments and a miscarriage before I finally had my daughter. During this time, I had MANY friends and family members who got pregnant. I think you are a wonderful friend for recognizing the difficulties and putting so much thought into this. I'll try to answer your three questions as best as I can.

1. There really wasn't anything that anyone said that made much difference. While I appreciated people trying to find just the right sentiment, the fact of the matter is that it is just something that takes time to get over. You are on such and emotional roller-coaster during IVF and when it fails, you just need time to heal.

2. She'll need a little bit of time afterward, but honestly, it's not going to matter if you tell her 2 weeks after, or 2 months after.....it's still going to sting. I would second what a couple others have said....I would actually consider telling her before. Let her get used to the idea BEFORE her results. First of all, it'll be a little bit of a distraction for her because that 2 week wait is a killer! Secondly, I don't think it'll be quite as hard of an emotional punch to the gut as it would afterward. That's just how I would feel, you know your friend best though.

3. I think the best way to tell her is to be straightforward but compassionate. I felt much like Ari described when people would tell me they were pregnant.....I was always happy and supportive of them, but I would go home and cry and think...why not me? I think it's always hard for people to understand that you can be completely happy for someone else....yet be sad for yourself at the same time. Just remember that even if she doesn't give you an overjoyed reaction right off the bat....she is STILL happy for you. She just needs some time to process it. Again, like Ari said, I always HATED for my friends to try and hide it from me or distance themselves from me. I had several who did that and while I know it was done with good intentions, it was always more hurtful. It makes you feel even more isolated.

I'll be praying for your friend and for you!! And congratulations on your pregnancy!!

I think it is great that you are sensitive to her md want to do the right thing. I went through 5 IVF treat,ends before finally having my 1st. It is a long, hard, isolating experience. Most of my friends went through 2 pregnancies while I was just trying for one. It was hard. I have always prided myself on being a loving supportive friend but it was hard to hear about all my friends getting pregnant. I hated myself at times that I would be jealous and cry from sadness at their exciting news instead of being able to be of plenty joyful and selfless. With that being said- one of my biggest fears is that my friends would keep their news from me to rotect me and in that way pull away and that our friendship would be altered. When you are ready to tell people about your pregnancy I think she should be the first to know so she does not find out some other, insensitive way and feel hurt. Other moms might not like this bu I would do it in a very nice email so she can read it and have her moment of grief for herself (if she is not pregnant) and then be able to rect with joy once she deals with her own feelings of longing and wishing it were her. If she IS pregnant than yay for both of you. Hope this helps a little. I think the fact that you are already thinking about it is great. Btw-do not just blurt it out please. Be sensitive and understanding that a
Though this is wonderful news for you that you understand it might be difficult for her to hear. She will come around.

I had my first easily and then spent the past 3 1/2 yrs ttc#2, meanwhile, friends were having #1 then #2 and still nothing for me. We did IUI's and IVF 4 times (finally worked and I'm pregnant now).

It was REALLY hard to be excited for everyone else but what made it hardest was when friends tried to hide it or not tell me until it was blatently obvious. I don't like being tip-toed around...infertility is awful but when you're treated differently by the people in your life, you feel even more alone.

Tell your friend now. Don't wait until she gets her results and tell her before you tell anyone else. She needs time to digest it, feel sad, move on and be happy for you. And she will be happy for you...it just isn't easy.

I got pregnant and didn't know how to share the news with my friend who was having a hard time and a friend who had placed her son for adoption years earlier. I wrote them a short letter telling them that I wanted to share my news but also wanted to be sensitive to their own backgrounds and thoughts. They were both happy for me, and now they both have their own children. It may have been overboard, but it worked for me/us.

I would tell her yourself somehow so that she doesn't hear it from someone else.

You never know how things go. Friend of mine could not have a 3rd child after I had DD and I didn't know how to react at first. Friend had 2nd trimester miscarriages (until they resolved a clotting issue) and I didn't know if being around DD would upset her. One day we were at a park and friend asked to hold DD and I realized that even though she was crying, DD was giving her comfort. You might not know what to say to your friend at this time, but just being a friend might be just what she needs.

First off, I think you are a terrific friend for even considering her feelings and recognizing all that she has been through. Infertility and the horrible emotional roller coaster of IVF is almost unexplained by words. I have been through three IVF cycles that were all negative, plus two frozen transfers, and it has been one of the most isolating, depressing, despairing experiences of my life. Most of my friends were well intentioned, even when they said insensitive, unhelpful things, but it surprised me how many had really NOT ONE clue how to handle the emotions I was feeling. So I simply stopped talking to people about it; it became too hard to rehash it only to have people play it all off casually. Your forethought is a sign that you do have a clue, which will help your friendship immensely.

As far as your questions, the best thing to help my disappointment when I felt it was to feel that friends were supportive and on my side, and as determined as I was/is to be successful and continue my parenting journey. The feeling that I was believed in was amazingly helpful.

As far as how long to wait until you tell her your news, there isn't really any one answer I can give you. There are pros and cons to telling her during her two week wait (which is long and awful!), or after she gets positive or negative news. I think you know her better than we do here obviously, so go with your gut. I would lean towards telling her before she gets her results, only because if the news for her is not good and she gets yours after that, it might be the thing that puts her more over the edge. Either way, don't be surprised if she distances herself from you if it doesn't work for her. It is something she just might have to do for her survival.

Finally, how to deliver the news... just tell her straight out that you have some news, you think it might be tough for her and you understand why, but you don't want her to hear it from a third party because you value her friendship and honesty. There is really no "right" way to do this. I hope it goes well for her and for you and that you are both sharing pregnancy together. If it doesn't go that way, remember that she is not rejecting you if she doesn't seem as interested in your life, she is doing what she has to do to heal and get through this time.

This exact thing happened to me with my best friend, except she was on IVF try number three. She had a son and I had no children. We had both been trying for about two years. And I found out I was in fact pregnant. I waited until she got her results and then waited about two weeks to tell her. I just met up with her and told her face to face. I was honest. I have some great news and I am very afraid that it's going to unintentionally hurt you. When I finally told her she was very happy for me. She admitted to some jealousy, but said she was thrilled about the new addition. She supported me the entire pregnancy and threw two baby showers for me. I am certain it was difficult for her.

There is never going to b a right time. Tell her over the phone so she can cry or react however she needs to with out having to put on a front in front of you. I totally agree and you need to say I love you, cherish our friendsship and be compassionate for all that she had done and the road she has had to travel and then say, I love this line...I wish every time someone got pg they bwould have said the words unintentially. Say I have some news that is unintentially going to hurt you. It is going to hurt no matter what even if she is pregnant . She had to go through hell to get the things you got three times over. I agree understand if she distances from you or doesn't want to know. Even if she is happy for unshe might not want to hear about thepreganacynor be involved or if she isnpg she might be so nervous shell miscarry or who knows but it is a whole different world when you have gone through infertility. Tell her you will do what ever she wants or needs or feels and that you want to be as sensitive as possible but you might not always know how and you will try not to take offense to anything she is honest with you about. She might say she can't see you pregnant or want to say this because it will hurt so much but doesn't. You just never know so be open and tell her itnisnsafe for her to be open. Be so compassionate for her pain. Imagine loosing one of your three children, women that go through infertility feel that way even if their children were not made or live birth, yes imagine giving your third child to her. That isnhownawful this is. I had 5 yrs of IVF and 7 miscarriages and now have three beautiful children who God blessed me all within 8 months. We tried autoimmune meds and even traveled to Mexico, we tried adoption and surrogacy. I ran a support group for infertile women. I actually had typed up more than i wrote but lost it and it was my support group talk but this is my heart talking so it might not be as good and the wording eloquent but u get the jist. Just imagine the death and loss of one of your children and then someone coming up to u and saying hi I'm pregnant due in December! No good timing is there? It is depressing,sad and the worst thing that could ever happen to a family to a woman with no children that would be an amazing mother and desperately wants her child back. In her body in her arms in her house. Im thinking tellher before but she might blame u that the stress and pressure from your news made her IVF not work. I say now so that no matter the outcome after the two week wait she will need you and know if she wants to be around you being pg . Tell her u wanted to tell her sooner than later because u didn't want to feel like u were holding this back from her, that would be even more hurtful. Or you can tell her after and say you waited to tell her later hoping to protect her. She needs to knw your decision making in why you told her when u did even if she doesn't agree with your timing.. Gosh good luck this is so hard anyway around it. You are a great friend for wanting to be so compassionate. Well congratulations and I will pray for a healthy child for you both!

Don't beat around the bush about it....Be honest, caring & direct with her. She may be upset (for herself), but I'm sure she'll be happy for you, too. Just remember, what she's going through is very difficult. I know...I went through 4 years of failed IVF/IUI's before I finally had enough & ended the torture. I think it was a good year or so before my husband & I were ready to start the adoption process. We are the parents of a beautiful little girl who we adopted from birth. (She's 4 now.) The best thing that you can say to your friend is simply "I'm sorry." Don't tell her this now(she may not be ready to hear it just yet - I wasn't), but if/when she becomes a parent someday (through IVF, adoption, surrogacy, etc.), it won't matter to her exactly how she became a parent & whether or not the baby is biologically her offspring. Motherhood is wonderful, regardless of how you got there!

WOW...a thought just jumped into my mind reading this....wouldn't it be wonderful if you let her adopt your baby-2-b!!!! Mind you...it was only a thought... :)