I Want Another Baby Husband Does Not - New York,NY

Sorry, but when one wants more kids and the other doesn't, the no vote wins by default. You need to drop the subject.

Oh, please don't trick him. While it worked out in that one woman's case referenced below, it's generally not a good idea.

Everything Cheryl O said! She's right on target here-

You can't.
Unfortunately, when it comes to more kids, typically the person that doesn't want more wins that one.

Otherwise, you run the risk of resentment and lack of support.

you cannot talk him into something...

You need to respect his decision. It's OKAY to ask questions about WHY he doesn't - not just his "we have one of each - why rock the boat?" - get to the bottom of why -
is he afraid of finances?
did you have hard pregnancies?
are you older (over 40) and he's scared for you?
do you feel we would have to move? is the house not big enough?

ask the important questions...listen to the answers....

Maybe he likes the freedom you are venturing into with having 2 and 4 year old and the idea of an infant with the stroller, night feedings and such is just too much for him...

Got to communicate!!

Good luck!

You can't talk him into something like this if he really doesn't want anymore kids.

All you can do is continue to discuss it in a healthy, give and take manner. Trying to convince him or persuade him will only backfire.

I understand your sadness, trust me. But you have to focus on a happy, healthy marriage and life with what you DO have and try not to focus on what you DON'T.

Give him time. He may climb on board. Your youngest is still awfully young. My husband wasn't ready for another until ours was about 5. Be patient and understanding and keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck.

In response to those who say getting pregnant without the consent of your husband will lead to resentment and divorce down the road....

Ignoring your spouse's need and desire to have another baby can lead to resentment and divorce down the road!

The issue here is about communication and as Angela S. said the mystery of life and faith. This discussion is a sign to me that men of today are by and large self absorbed and materialistic, and the women of today, for all of their so-called liberation, are still standing there meekly by their men who are still calling the shots and telling them how to control their bodies!

Furthermore, it sounds like alot of people have loveless marriages. Only a jerk ignores the sincere desires of their spouse to have more children, thinks children are a burden, and shuts down the discussion and possibility for further children in the future with no discussion or justifiable reason beyond "don't rock the boat." What is the point of marriage if children (without unjustifiable or unreasonable limitations) aren't part of the equation.

What does that mean? You have the okay to kick your husband out into the street if he gets maimed and can't bring home an income anymore? Because in my book, that would "rock the boat" and then some.

I don't know. Sounds to me like alot of people settled.

In your case, I'd say don't settle. You need to talk to him. You need to put it on the table that "don't rock the boat" isn't a good enough reason not to have kids, and hold your ground. Short of a serious illness or unemployment, there are really no reasons out there that make his arguments hold water. Talk or prepare to stuff your emotions and happiness for the rest of your years together. He needs to know how you feel. Your argument is stronger than his at this point. He just doesn't want to be inconvenienced...you feel the familly is incomplete. Think about it.

And by the way...puppies and kittens aren't people, and they certainly won't come to visit you on the holidays, give you grandchildren, a sense of fulfillment, a legacy, nor will they visit you at the old folks home in 20 years. Come on people.

Can he talk you into not having another baby? Something to think about. When it comes to something as life changing as having a baby, it's hard to change one's mind, whether they want another or not.

I second everything Scarlett says.

Have you talked through his and your reasons for wanting or not wanting a third?

In the end, though, this is one of those questions where if one person in a partnership says "no" then the answer is "no".

If he really does not want more kids, I don't see how you can convince him otherwise. Personally, and I'm sorry if this hurts, but I agree with your husband and I think he's just being smart and practical to "quit while you're ahead". I also think in situations like this, the person who does not want any more kids wins. He may eventually change his mind on his own, but it has to be his decision too, and you can't hold it against him if he doesn't. Like Scarlett said, focus on what you do have, and not what you feel is "missing". How would it impact your life if you decided to try for a 3rd, and ended up with twins? Or a child with major health issues, disabilities, etc.? I certainly would not go off birth control in the hopes that you will get pregnant by "accident" - that's just deceitful and unfair to your husband. He could be happy about it if it did happen and he was none the wiser, but you can't count on that.

What a shame. If you and he were bad parents and teaching your kids bad things, you shouldn't have more kids.

If you are teaching your kids right from wrong and love them, you should have more. Explain to your husband that you really want another one and why. (My wife and I felt we had more that were going to come to us and were waiting for us to have them.) We stopped when there were no more for us.

BTW, if your parents love their grand kids, then you are likely to love your grandkids. Three kids will give you more grandkids than two kids will.

To my wife and I, grandkids are the reward for having kids.

Good luck to you and yours.

I agree with quitting while you're ahead and keeping a happy marriage and family. Be thankful and happy with what you have, because mamy would give anything for it. Your husband brings up some very good points! Plus, as time goes by either one of you may change your mind! Whatever you do, don't get pregnant on purpose. That's the first step down a long road of resentment that leads to divorce for a lot of couples.

ETA: Turk E sounds like just that! A desire and an actual human being are two very different things! It's not like you have no kids but want them and he doesn't -you already have kids! I don't think there's anything much more selfish than bringing a child into this world against the express wishes of your spouse. Having a baby is a huge decision and more people should treat it with the seriousness it deserves.

I think that you just have to be paitient. I wanted a third kid ever since my second was born and hubby did not. I also have 1, girl and 1 boy so it wasn't a gender thing. I finally decded to look forward and accept my life. Sometimes the hardest part is being over the baby stage feels so final. Then my 15 y/o sister got pregnant and for a time we thought we were going to adopt the baby. 6 months later she decided to keep her. We were heartbroken. But fine with it. So out of the blue my husband asks me if I still wanted another baby. 2 weeks later I got a positive test. I now have 3 kids. BUT my story is unique, and there were circumstances that changed my husbands mind. If your's never changes his you have to be willing to move on and still be happy. I hope you can ind a resolution that will bring you peace. HUGS.

Just an aside to the other mom's comments . . . I get SO jealous of the moms on here who have husbands who beg them for another baby (and they don't really want one themselves). I've had friends in that situation too. It's one of the few times in life, or on Mamapedia, that I get seriously envious.

In my next life I'm marrying a man who wants a big family - or actually who wants to let God direct the size of our family.

I love my husband to pieces, but he is highly logical (like many men) and can easily think of all the "downsides" to another baby. Having a baby is seldom a completely logical, or sensible decision. A big part of it is just the mystery of life, and faith.

I didn't want another one for years after my 2nd, but by the time I did it was too late. And my husband was reluctant too - actually I think he was reluctant all along (for another) but I wasn't willing to see it. Ironically he is an incredible step-dad and dad, which is one of the reasons I wanted more in the first place!

While you're young I would keep praying and talking about it. God can work miracles.

I was in this same predicament too! My son is 3.5 and my daughter is 2. I SO wanted a third baby, but my husband was done. I was a little resentful for awhile, but now that my kids are more independent and we can just pretty much grab their backpacks and go, I really like it. No more strollers, heavy carseats or bulky diaper bags to carry around. We usually get to sleep a full 8 hours again. Life is good. I feel like I am in a win/win situation. If I got pregnant today, I would be over the moon, but the baby bug does subside and know life will be just as wonderful with the two that I have. Good luck!
A.

I feel your pain exactly on that one.
I ended up choosing my husband and our family and having to be ok without another baby. Not an easy choice or a cost free one for him as he well knows. How to move past that is where we are right now. Not the easiest thing and one we are in counseling to work through.

Was this not something that you talked about together years ago before you even had the first? My husband and I got together at the ripe old age of 16 and I swear it was at about 18 yrs of age that I started to ask the important questions like, do you see us getting married? do you want kids in the future? How many kids? Do you prefer dogs or cats? Not because I wanted all that stuff the next day but because we were in a serious relationship that I saw was only going to get stronger and I felt that that was something that I needed to know before we went too far. I guess I am naive to think that all couples who plan their futures talk about this sort of thing. This is not to say that ppl cant change their minds but if for some reason down the road you do decide that I once wanted 3 kids and now I only want 2 I would think that this would have come up well before number 2 even arrived
Just my opinion
But I do feel that if you do 'sneak' a pregnancy in on your husband it is really asking for nothing but trouble and you have to think about the baby that would be brought into all the turmoil that that would cause
Good Luck

I was in your boat 7 years ago. I wanted another baby but hubby didn't. No matter how I tried to explain my point of view, he wouldn't listen. I agreed to the vasectomy he had because I knew there was no changing his mind.

Here we are, 7 years later and I'm so sad that we didn't have another one. There are days when I literally ache to think about it. I know I did the right thing not trying to force him to have another one, but it still hurts.

Don't try to talk him into it. Just explain why you want another one, and then leave him to think about it.

*hugs*

I was in your postion nearly 8 years ago when I miscarried our (unplanned) third child and was desperate to try again. It took me about 2 years to recover, but I did and now I am so grateful to my husband for being kind but firm in his refusal. We have moved out of the small child stage into a wonderful, exciting and exhausing family of on teen and one pre-teen. I feel completely fulfilled.

Does he just need more time to think on it or maybe he's just not ready yet? What you said his response was (both healthy, why rock the boat) doesn't sound like a "no" unless there is more to it. Maybe just have a real discussion with him aside from the joking around. Let him know how you feel and give it some time to sink in with him before expecting him to discuss it real back with you. Think of this conversation not how to talk him into it, but how to discuss with him if he really doesn't want more, why, when, etc.

Age? Age could be a factor. If you are under 35 then it should be fine. Did you have any issues with blood sugars,pregnancy or labor. Get a puppy or a kitten and see if this helps fill the void. That is what I did. I am one and done. Do not press the issue if your husband does not feel the same way.

You could say you should be able to have more because he loves you, and that is what you want because it will make you feel happy and complete. Isn't this why he married you? He wants to make you happy and complete just the same as you do this for him? Why should everything be his decision and all about what he wants? Is he selfish?

A friend of mine found herself in this situation, and right or wrong, she stopped birth control without telling her husband, and only told him after she was two months pregnant with their third child.

She was afraid to break the news, because she didn't let him in on the decision for one more. She thought for sure he was going to be livid. You know what happend? He was thrilled! So much so, he bought the woman a bigger house. Go figure!

It seems some guys need that extra push, or they'll never do or plan anything for fear of the unknown. If you ask my friend's husband (which dh did) if he harbors anger about the whole thing, he always says he's glad she did it and he couldn't imagine life without their third child.

You have to find out if he really doesn't want another because he's done (in which case it wouldn't be fair to bring another child in unless there is an unplanned pregnancy), or if he's balking due to the expense of raising another. I can understand the fear that your happy family dynamic would be changed if you had another child with health challenges. It would reduce your ability to provide long-term for your existing children. However, that isn't really the reason, I'd bet he's just using an extreme example to appeal to your practical side. It's much more likely the child would be fine, and God-forbid, illness can happen to any of us but it doesn't stop us from living now. Men (of course there are exceptions) are more likely to look at the expense involved in raising a child since they consider themselves really the rock and financial engine of the family. There are the practical considerations, like just typical medical expenses, first car, schooling, and university. More responsiblity may be daunting. If you can come up with a financial plan to make it do-able to his satisfaction you may be able to change his mind. Good luck!

in this economy i would worry finances i have one of each and thats enought why push your luck enjoy them

I am in the same boat too! My boys are almost 6 and 3, and I still feel like I want a 3rd. My husband always says if we could guarantee a girl, he would seriously consider it(obvisly I cant do that), but I would be happy either way. I feel like as they get older, the chances of him changing his mind get smaller as it gets so much easier to go places, travel, sleep etc. Good luck to you!

I am in your exact situation. We also have a 2 and 4 year old and I too do not feel "done" with having babies. Our 2 year old is a handful and I do believe that is why he says he is done. I have an IUD so nothing is final. We have 2 1/2 more years before we have to make that decision. Like Scarlett said, we are keeping the lines of communication open. I am hoping he comes around, if not... I will just have to deal with it. BUT, I am still hopeful!
Best of luck to you and your family!!!

You can't talk him into it. Forcing a spouse into a child they don't desire, does not have a good outcome. When there is this kind of divorced. When one spouse is done, and the other is not...the one that is done wins. Sorry, it's the only realistic outcome.

You know, another could be perfectly healthy. They also could not be. I know many people who had 2,3, or more healthy children...and their last one was born with autism, very premature, chromosomal abnormalities. Every time you conceive, you run the risk of having a child that is not healthy. It's not realistic to assume, you will have a perfectly healthy child. You can think the child would statistically probably be totally normal, but you can not guarantee.

I know this is really tough, but this is one of those times when you must respect and honor your husband if you want to maintain your marriage. Please don't do as one on this site said her neighbor did, and stop contraception and "plan" another child. It doesn't usually have such a happy ending. My sister did that very thing and it was a disaster. She did get pregnant as planned and her husband resented the child for years, they struggled with dishonesty in their marriage, and she has regretted her actions ever since. When the child was a teenager, he brought much heartache with his bad choices.
Don't nag your husband, accept his decision and wait. Sometimes people change their minds. My husband was content with one child (our first was an extremely difficult birth and baby), but later he changed his mind and we had another one (and then a another one due to condom failure :). I have 3 and I must say it is way more challenging than 2 kids. You are truly outnumbered with 3 and sometimes it is extremely difficult to keep sane when all 3 are crying at once. We have years to go before we reach teenage years, and sometimes my husband and I already feel exhausted. Wishing you contentment with your marriage and children....Nurse Midwife Mom

This would be as much a deal breaker for my marriage as adultery would be. I guess you have to decide if you can live with the very high possibility of only having 2 children. Once you get your answer, have a serious discussion with your husband... tell him you are wiulling to wait for another 2-3 years if that will make him feel more comfortable.