I Need Inspiration for Getting Stuff (Chores) Done.

My suggestion would be to make a list of what has to be done on one day and start doing it the next. It might give you some incentive to see what gets crossed of as being done by the end of the day.

There is a website that I used to subscribe to, it's free, and it teaches you, that you can do anything in 15 minutes. Then take a break, especially since you are pregnant!!! I relied on it a lot when I was preg with my 4 1/2 yr old. I was just like you...no energy and was just plain lazy! I relied on my husband for everything. The website really helped.
You can also sign up for daily email reminders on there (which gets to be a bit much). The website is flylady.net

Dear J. -- I'm 68 and still waiting to grow up! At least, if that's how we define being grown up, I'm still waiting. I really want to change, too, and the fact that I can't make myself do what everyone else seems to have no trouble doing really shoots down my self-esteem. In the past several years I've found some things that help -- not help me be a better chore-doer so much as help me live with myself better, which is VITALLY IMPORTANT!

I've stopped trying to hide that I'm a disorganized slob. If I know someone is coming to the house in 15 minutes, I no longer scramble around trying to make the place look as if I have everything under control. It is what it is. Besides, people are coming to visit me, not inspect the premises!

I ask for help. This is very hard for me because, being "lazy," I don't feel I deserve help. But that doesn't matter. Whether I deserve it or not, I NEED help!

I have reallocated some of my entertainment money to actually hire the help that I feel I need most consistently. There are professional organizers out there (check National Association of Professional Organizers), and my "organization lady" is worth her weight in gold. It isn't that she does some of my chores the way a cleaning lady would: She helps me prioritize and shows me how to do things consistently and helps me keep not just things but also my thinking a bit more orderly.

I have stopped thinking of myself as lazy. There are other areas of my life -- especially things that I don't have to do time after time after time -- that I have plenty of energy and stick-to-it-iveness for. Now I consider myself "challenged." I praise myself whenever I overcome this challenge.

If you don't have energy for anything whatsoever, you may have a serious fatigue problem. See your doctor (take a list of symptoms with you) just to be sure.

You sound depressed. Depression and under-achieving go hand in hand. When we're depressed, it's hard to get motivated, and it's hard not to be depressed when we look at how little we've accomplished. Getting a referral to a shrink could be helpful. And while you're at it, ask him/her if you might have ADD. I am very distractable, which contributes to my underachieving.

Trust me, we are sisters. I wish you the very best. Love, L.

P.S. While I was married (23 years!) my husband was very critical of what he considered both my laziness and passive aggression toward him, and, being very ashamed and having no hope of changing, I never told him that my problem was not that I wouldn't do it but that I COULDN'T do it. Over the years this was a major contributor to the erosion of our relationship. (On the other hand, I could never tell my kids to clean up their rooms because I hadn't cleaned up my room! They grew up to be neat, orderly people, and we all love and enjoy each other very much.)

why would anyone hate you for speaking the truth??sounds like youve been thru alot in your adult life so far.maybe you should check into getting counseling,and try some antidepressants after the baby is born.ive seen it work miracles on ppl.check with your dr.good luck...

I dont hate you. I can completey understand. Do you think you may be depressed? If not you need to tell your self it is time to grow up and be responsible. act as tho your spouse is not around and you are the only one to get anything done. Good luck T..

First of all, I don't think you should be tackling this issue until you've had your baby. Our society has really lost track of the fact that just being pregnant IS hard work!

When I'm feeling lazy, but have housework to be done, I set the egg timer and clean away for 15 minutes. At least then I've DONE something, and often, I have enough momentum going that I continue to clean after the timer goes off.

Another tactic I've used in the past is I determine what 3 things absolutely must be done today, and I just do them. Housework and chores are rarely pleasant, but you just do them.

Another trick you could try is something my husband and I will do. We call it our "10 minute tidy". We each pick a chore to tackle, and we go do it for 10 minutes. One of us might take out the trash and recycling and sweep the floors, while the other folds laundry. At the end of the 10 minutes we have dessert or a beer. Working together at the same time is always more pleasant!

Well, J.. It sounds like you just needed guidance. Going from no responsibility to lots of it can be...intimidating. Share this with your partner. Let them help you come up with a routine that you can do and add more as you can handle more. Not only will this build up your self-esteem, but be a chance for you two to become closer because you are involving her in your process. Good luck!

Angie

Have you ever thought about talking to your doctor about possibly having depression? I was in a similar situation, but when I "admitted" to myself what was going on and got on medicine I got back on track and have more energy. I know some meds can make you more tired, so maybe there is a med you are on that is causing your tiredness. Just some thoughts and hope that helps a little!

I'm really sorry you're feeling so down! Don't think that we're all going to hate you. We all use this website because we've all been pregnant at least once, and we know how that feels--plus you've got another child to keep track of too. No wonder you're feeling exhausted and "lazy"! So first, give yourself a break.

Next, I highly recommend www.flylady.net. It's fantastic, and she's very, very positive. Her theory is that you can do anything for 15 minutes and that little routines will help you get away from the need to do massive cleaning or organizing tasks. She's all about feeling proud of the things you can do and feeling good about yourself while you take care of yourself. Hope it helps and that you're feeling better soon!

I have to agree with the other women who have posted advice for you, Don't be so hard on yourself! Admitting that this is a weakness and wanting to change it is a HUGE step. Also, I have never used Flylady, but I have heard of it and heard that it works great to help keep your house clean.

All I will say from my point of view is, every person who is "clean" learned how to do it at some point. They trained themselves until it became habit and they realized how nice it is to have a clean house/yard. It makes you feel good to know someone could pop in anytime and you wouldn't feel embarrassed at the condition of your home.

I used to be alot messier also, but I trained myself to do a small project before a fun activity. Say I wanted to play my computer game. I would make myself clean up the kitchen first, or fold a load of laundry and put it away. Then I'd give myself a hour or hour and a half time limit on my game before I had to stop and do another small project, such as pick up the clutter in the living room, or take the garbage out. Making cleaning bite-sized makes all the cleaning seem like small things.

The other thing that helps me is the fact that my SO is the cleaner one in our partnership too. So when he is at work, as a "gift" to him, I will do a bigger project than normal, such as clean the whole bathroom or pick up and vacuum the entire house. Sometimes I'll even make a goal to have the whole house spotless so that when he comes home, there is no cleaning he has to do, he can just relax. And believe me, he really appreciates the days I do it, which makes me feel fantastic. It makes cleaning into special activity, not just a chore and it builds upon itself and becomes a fun, giving activity.

So in a nutshell, check out Flylady, take on bite-sized projects, do cleaning as a "gift" for your partner and talk to her about what you are trying to do and how you are trying to improve. Also, remember you are "re-training" yourself, and that takes time. So don't be too hard on yourself if you don't always succeed, just DON'T give up, keep trying, it will get better. I've gone from a clutter freak to a very neat home-maker over the last couple of years. It CAN happen.

Good Luck!

S.

Hi J.! I loved what Linda M wrote because I feel it could have been written to ME! I totally feel for you. I am a "messie" married to a "cleanie". My hubby is very kind about it and helps me out alot, and I am really trying to change. I just have not had the tools to be able to do it.
So many have suggested the Fly Lady website. I get bored with all her info but I LOVE her 15 minute rule! It's wonderful! It's the only way for me to tackle the impossible task of cleaning a house.
Contrary to how some rudely put it, it's NOT about "growing up". Listen to Linda and the all the ladies who said to give yourself a break! :) Being 8 months pregnant is a HUGE job! Not to mention tiring!
Now, this I am only mentioning because it has helped me, so take it for what it's worth.... I have started a low glycemic way of eating and it has changed my life. It's all about eating right for your body type so your body can function at the optimal level. Now I have energy to burn, the stamina to get the job done and I am not overwhelmed at all! It has helped me so much! If you want more info feel free to message me. It's not a calorie restricted diet at all so you can do it while pregnant or nursing.
BLESSINGS on you J.! Know that you are not alone and that there are so many things that you are good at. You are valuable no matter if you like cleaning or not!
Congratulations on the new baby!

Whoa!! Please stop being so hard on yourself. We all have downfalls and hard times. I would agree that the FLYLADY has changed our household. She's great and just gives little 15 minute chores. I've recently come to grips that with 2 under 3 my house will never be the "clean" my mother's was. It's fine just do 15 minutes a day and you'll love the change in just a few days. Don't focus on the past. Today's a new day..go spend 15 minutes cleaning the room that bothers you most. Flylady is great!!!

Hi J.

Establishing new habits and routines are hard and take time. If your partner is willing, choose one or two tasks that will be your responsibility. Do them every day so that a routine develops. Experts say it often takes 6 weeks to establish a new routine and you will have to decide that your pride in taking responsibility is more important than the enjoyment of being lazy! I think if you're able to establish set things that you do, AND you do them, soon they will be part of your life and you can add things from there. It may be difficult to add these things right before the birth of your son, but maybe choose a chore that you can responsibly accomplish throughout the next month. There are a lot of us who love that lazy streak, but I know I feel much better when I spend that little bit of time each day picking up and keeping a little ahead of the game.

Good Luck and Congrats to you and your partner on your soon to arrive little one!

I can't offer advice, just camaraderie...I'm also the lazy partner. I work with kids so I'm naturally more child centric, and I know I'm a good mom. However, my house is generally a mess and my job (which I love) causes a lot of strain because I tend to work 12 hour days or 6 hour days (with a big chunk of free time in the middle where I tend to catch up on TiVo and sleep.) I was hoping that you would have had some responses so I could get some advice too. I'm 32, so I can't guarantee that you will "grow out of it" I think the idea is to take control of your life. Sit down and do some soul searching and get at what your personal mission is in this world. I haven't done it yet because it's a daunting task...I've let a lot slide because I'm just living day to day, but I've lost sight of some life goals because I'm happy with how things are. This is that part about marriage that people say is "hard work". It's probably been a lot harder for our significant others than for us up to this point. We probably need to shoulder that burden and suck it up. Best of Luck!

J.,

I saw your last comment about "now that you all hate me." Not everyone who disagrees with your choices hates you. I have friends and family who live lifestyles I disagree with, but it doesn't affect my love for them.

Anyway, back to your question. I struggled with the whole housekeeping thing after my first daughter was born. I read a book called "Sidetracked Home Executives" that was so helpful for me. Amazon.com carries it and there are quite a few copies on eBay right now. The same circle of ladies has a website called www.FlyLady.net but to be honest, it is rather disorganized for being an organizational website. But for some it works better than the book.

Good luck,
S.

I think we can all feel for you. We've all been there where we just don't feel like doing anything. You're on the right path though by realizing that you don't pull your own weight around the house. The fact that you're pregnant will give you a little leeway =) but not forever! My advice is to talk it over with your partner and tell her how you're feeling. Maybe you guys can come up with a daily or weekly chart for you to work on.

Hi J. -

I don't have any real advice for you, except maybe to make a list of things you are good at and things you like to do. Then maybe you and your partner can sit down together and find ways you can use your particular skills to help out around the house. You will probably have to start doing some jobs you don't enjoy - we all do, but if you two can share work in a way that each of you get to use your natural talents the most, it will likely be better for all.

I am really just writing to congratulate you on WANTING to do more. The fact that you have taken an honest, yet painful, look at yourself and your weaknesses is a very big step to changing the things you want to change. The next hardest step is to actually take ACTION.

Good luck to all of you.
C.

www.flylady.net. Sign up for the emails. She got me off my butt and got me going.

Keep in mind that you DO need to take it a bit easy during this last bit of your pregnancy and for a while after baby arrives- for me that meant, focusing on breastfeeding and caring for our premature son. Housework HAD to be left to my spouse until our son was 4 months old. Then I discovered Flylady.

give flylady a try- she is very motivating in a gentle kind of way.

J., I would guess that you are exhausted. Give yourself a well needed break! When you feel up to it, you will pitch in more. It is a natural part of a committed marriage that one partner will give more than another at different points in time. There will probably be a point in your life during which you will be working harder/contributing more than your partner. It will balance out over the course of your lifetime. Who does the cleaning is ALWAYS an issue, no matter the couple. Poll anyone on it. I think you should rest and listen to your body!

I had these same issues. One thing that helped me was to change my point of view. For a good decade or more, I saw myself as alone and against the world. I didn't have good self care habits and I didn't care. There wasn't a reason to. When I met my husband, I was no longer alone but he was frustrated that I still had that jaded single woman outlook and wished that I'd take better care of my family. It wasn't until I was pregnant that I realized that I have a family and its not just me anymore. That I had a family who counted on me. I didn't want my daughter growing up with a mom who hardly took care of her or the things necessary to have a decent life. I wanted her to learn how to be loving and to take care of the things she has.

Its been a lot of work and a lot of struggling. I still have times where I'm not perfect. In fact I never really am perfect, but perfection isn't what I'm aiming for. Putting forth effort is what counts.

Late in pregnancy, I did a lot of modifying how I did stuff. I'd sit in a chair while I emptied the dishwasher and had the laundry baskets up off the floor so I wouldn't have to bend over as much. My husband got me a long reacher/grabber tool to help me pick stuff up off the floor. It was frustrating and painful, but I was able to accomplish a few things in spite of my giantness and pain.

You have to believe in yourself and know that you and your family are worth taking care of! Good luck!

I am also pregnant and due in Jan. This is my third and it is totally normal to feel so tired. I do what I can and then need to lay down. My dr assured me that it was ok to stop and take a nap when I feel tired. I only need a little break and then can do something again. Not everything is going to get done now or right after the baby comes and that is alright. You will get your energy back eventually. Remember it is just a season and it won't be like this forever.

It's like a Nike commercial...

JUST DO IT!

What helps me is thinking about our health. A messy household only brings about unhappiness. You get even lazier!! If you don't pick up around your home, your 5 year old suffers. And obviously your marital discord comes from this as well.

Don't try to do it all at once. Can you handle one chore a day? Make yourself a chart (give your 5 year old some chores too). Today you vacuum, tomorrow you'll do laundry... etc. Then you can start adding more to it.

Remember that you are 8 months pregnant though. Can't do many physically demanding chores. And after the baby is born you will be sleep-deprived so don't expect too much out of yourself.

But you could pick up the dirty dishes from the table and at least place them on the sink, if not the dishwasher. If your partner brings you the clean laundry to the living room, could you sit down to fold it?

There are many chores here and there that would take but a minute and that are not very hard, but your efforts will be noticed and you will feel good that you are helping out.

Get it down on paper. Speak to your partner about this to get her support (to keep you on track). Take it one chore at a time, one day at a time. When you fail, pick yourself up and keep going!

Good luck!!

Well, J., thank you for being so honest. And I'm sure no one hates you. I can totally understand why you aren't motivated. I think the fact that it isn't your home and you didn't help in buying it makes it very difficult to take ownership and feel pride in getting things done in it.
I sort of have that dynamic with my husband - he does the majority of the house work and works full-time, while I work only 10 hours a week and stay with our daughter. I moved into his house and sometimes just don't see things that need to get done.
So, a couple things that work for me, is creating a routine and letting my husband know that it's my job to do the dishes and laundry and whatever else. And, it becomes a routine that I do in my day and I feel good about it. If you tell your partner, it makes you accountable. You'd feel that much worse if you didn't do it after you told her you were going to.
I think it would help a lot if she didn't do some of the work and just left it for you. I know thinking of yourself as lazy doesn't make you feel better and doesn't help you get motivated. So, try being a little kinder to yourself too.
Good luck!
A.