I Need Help with My Uncontrollable 4 YO.

I used to ask my kids if I need to take them to the bathroom. They knew if I had to take them to the bathroom that they were going to get a spanking.

"Do you want your bottom spanked?" would be the question I would ask my 4 yr old if she wasnt responding to my pleas for her to comform to the current environment. It's always worked for me in a quick fix.

Does she mind at home?
Children will run willy nilly in public if they have no consequences set forth in the home environment for punishment.
Out to the car with a swat for bad behavior would be what I would have done if she didnt mind.
When you tell your child to "stop" and they don't listen to you... there is a problem.
Again I say "You are the captain of your ship" how the crew behaves is YOUR problem to fix and make work for YOU.

my rules with my daughter whose five are like this-

-in a store if you are unable to stay with me and listen you go in the cart.
-if you can listen then you can walk by the cart with her hand on the cart at all times. if hand comes of the cart i will tell her once to keep it on there. if it comes off again then she goes in the cart.
- if you take off and run away i will get you and swat you, drag you if you refuse to come. if you take off again i leave you and tell you someone else can take you home.
-if need be i will yank her pants down and give a bare butt swat for major missbehaving.

this is how i run it at home. i am clear and direct with my child. she gets put in time outs on her bed. my time outs go like this. i put her in her room with no set time. she has to calm down and be ready to listen before she comes out. therefor letting her be in control of how long she stays.

A couple of thoughts:

In that situation as you described - you needed to leave her! Walk away (obviously - don't go far, next row - where u can see/hear her) but don't allow her to control it. You are heading to daddy and she can come or she can get left..

But she wants something to do! Give her her own list - pictures if you have to, or write it and tell her you can help her read it. Then help her find the item and she will be a part of the process instead of bored out of her mind! Let her help make the list, ask her where she thinks it might be in the store..you will be surprised how much they have paid attention to know where stuff is (generally - milk at back of store in cold doors)

If she no longer cares about the "punishment" when you count to 3 - then that punishment is not her "currency". Figure out what would really upset her and use it. But you can't take something and give it back right away... It has to stick!! No tv for whole day means whole day. Losing favorite toy means she earns it back with good behavior and it is not immediately returned.

She is finding your boundaries.... And checking to see if you really mean it! We all fall down the slippery slope of letting our kids get a way with something, and then we have to reset the rules and stick to them.

Good luck!

I would stop counting. She gets one warning, and that's it. Figure out what her 'currency' is... Maybe she has a favorite toy, or something that she REALLY doesn't want to lose. Tell her at her first warning that if she doesn't _____, then when she gets home she will lose _______. Then FOLLOW THROUGH!! She can earn her toy back by going a day (or whatever period of time you deem reasonable) without having a big misbehavior. (she's only 4... you can't really expect perfect behavior from her. lol.)

This worked for my youngest brother (now 5, who was horribly spoiled by his mom before my dad got custody...). I can't guarantee it will work for you, but it's an idea. :)

Also... I have found with my own daughter that sometimes it's easiest to compromise... When we go shopping I will usually take my DD into the toy section and let her look for a couple minutes. She knows she doesn't get to play with anything (more than pushing the trial buttons) and that I won't buy her anything, but she likes to be able to pick where we are going and what she looks at. After that, she usually walks right along with me, or is more easygoing about what I need to do.

That's a tough one. She's found that you're too busy to be consistent. (not a criticism... I have two myself) I found that when my older boy started pushing back, I just slowed down, actually got down on the floor - to his level - and told him how it was going to be. Calmly. Don't start throwing around consequences you are not willing to back up because she's old enough to see you're bluffing. The trick is to find the couple of things that are really going to mean something to her immediately. Even if they dig into your time and schedule. Then stick to it. I will often stay in the car with the boys while hubby goes in the store for whatever he needs just to avoid the situation you described. My guys are a little older now, so it's become more to avoid the gimmes, but started that way. If she wants to run, make her sit. Sit with her. Right there in the middle of the grocery store. Other moms will totally get what you're doing, and those who don't... so what? If she doesn't listen and won't behave in stores, she has to stay in the car - of course, that means you do, too, but if she likes to go in the store, she'll learn to behave... she's old enough for this kind of if/then discipline. Like I said... the trick is finding what is meaningful for her. Good luck. Be consistent. Remember all the wonderful things she does, and be sure to give her your time, too. The baby takes a lot out of you... she may just want your attention.

I'm wondering if there is any chance she could be allergic to processed foods or more on point the dye's they use in them. Would it be possible for you to remove dye's from her diet for a week and see if her behavior improves?

Hi, Mama:

It sounds like you not only have difficulty with discipline at home, you have it in public.
First of all, if you have a 4 year old and a baby in a store situation, the baby is put in the seat of a carriage and the 4 year old needs to be in the basket of the carriage.

I would take by 2 year old g grandson and put him in the seat of the carriage and the 5 year old in the basket in a thrift store or grocery store. Because I did not know how disciplined the 5 year old was, I made her sit in the basket.

My 2 year old g grandson had to learn that when I spoke, I meant business. He had to learn the hard way. He threw down in the mall because his wants and my desires conflicted. I couldn't whack him in public so I got his attention by a couple of manuevers that let him know I meant business. He straightened up.

On several occasions he didn't want to stay in the bed for his naps. I was home so I could give him 3 whacks on his diapered behind on the 2 occasions.
After that, I was able to give him choices and he always picked the one that was the better of the two.

Just a reminder of Public and Private Dutiies:
The duty of children to honor and obey their parents and elders.
The duty to support law and orderr and keep the peace.
The duty to maintaain the integrity of the family structure.
The duty to support personal and public standards of common decency.
and The duty to follow rules of moral principles.
These Duties constitute a responsibility imposed on each indivdual to respect the aboslute rights or unalienable rights of others.

You will need to learn quickly how to control/discipline your child before the authorities will do it for you in the future.
There are always parenting classes.
Good luck.
D.

What is the punishment that is no longer effective? Maybe we could help you find an alternative. When you count to three do you use the Magic One two three method? Don't chat about it. Don"t keep repeating. Just "Stop running, two, three =Time out." I would try not taking her out to stores much until she is older, it sounds like only Daddy was shopping, Have you tired divide and conquer? She may be jealous of the baby. Maybe he could take the baby and you could act like it was a special treat for baby because baby behaves in stores. Then next time let her try going somewhere just her and daddy with the idea he would bring her right home if she misbehaves.

If you threaten ir you need ro do it. They wont take you seriousWhen it comesvto discipline if you don't start when they are younger its hard! I started with my son at 1. Most parents say that's to young to teach them and they don't understand but they learn more between 1 and 2 than any age. I believe of they can say no they can learn its meaning. My sons behaved most of the time but when he isn't we do time out. Counting. Or taking toys away.

If you are counting just for the sake of counting then she is rightfully calling your bluff. Get a stroller for the baby. With the 4 year old she is holding your hand at all times while out or you are holding her wrist. You must have many tricks in your bag of discipline.

If I had to drag her through the store then I do what I must but that probably would have ended up in her butt being swatted. I only spanked my kids for two reasons only. 1 being definance and 2 being lying.

Discipline begins at home. She must learn how to be obedient. That is not negotiable because there may come a time when her life depends on her ability to be able to follow your directions or instructions.

Stop negotiating so much with her to get her to behave. She would probably do much better if you took a stance of I expect you to do A now if you don't this punishment will be given to you. The punishments need to be immediate and certain every time.

Look for books on early child development. They can give you much insight into the lack of logic in a child. The last thing I want to encourage you is don't be afraid to discipline or frustate your child. Life can be very challenging and we all must learn a certain amout of self control and discipline. This is where it begins. A balanced system of rewards and punishments works best.