I Need Help Maintaining a Clean House

It sounds like you have different definitions of clean. I can't stand dirty dishes or dirty bathrooms, but I don't mind toys everywhere. To me, the toys are clutter, dirty dishes are filth. My husband could let dishes pile up for days, but can't stand toys on the floor. We've learned to compromise. I do the dishes and every night before bed, he and my daughter try to get all her toys picked up and put away. With three kids, I can't imagine that the toys will ever be all picked up and put away, or that the counters will be spic and span, or the table totally clean. There are so much more important things in life. I'm betting that he probably doesn't understand what you do all day. If he's like my husband, he thinks you sit around all day and eat chocolates and watch TV. LOL :D Perhaps you could try to meet in the middle.

Flylady. Flylady. Flylady.

Google it. She is wonderful and her system helps us distracted types stay on task and get the basic things done without really thinking about it. It works.

Babysteps to having those picked up houses become a normal thing.

Also, the info is free & the tools she offers to help are fabulous.

One thing you might want to consider is making a schedule up. Start from the time you get up in the morning until the evening when the kids go to bed. Remember not all chores need to be done everyday either. I start my day at 6:30 a.m. when I get my oldest son up for school. I will start washing clothes at that time. When I get my second son off to school at 8 a.m. you will probably find me drying and folding clothes. After this I do the dishes, and I just keep going until the stuff is done. I found that making a schedule and sticking to it has done wonders for me. Try to give it a shot and see what happens.
D.
I am 31 and have been married for 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 11, soon to be 8 on Christmas day, and 4 who will be 5 in Jan.

That is the difference between men and women. Men are all about the visual effect. I have been married 30 years and it took me a long time to figure out how to make the place look neat with 3 kids. Dishes and table must be number 1. Think of it this way, if the table is not clear and clean and dirty dishes set around, they are harboring germs and bacteria that are multiplying. Not to mention the fact that you are setting a perfect situation for gnats, flies, cockroaches.
So, maybe that will motivate you to take care of those dirty dishes first. It only takes a few minutes, start timing yourself. Make a sink of dishwater before you eat. Teach the kids to clear their places and push their chairs in. Punish if they forget. I have my kids in the habit of clearing their places, and when we go somewhere they still do it- they are all adults now. I remember my dad would say "you don't have to do that", and I'd say, "yes they do, it's the least they can do for getting a meal".
Once you get in that habit and get the kids to help, you'll see how quickly it goes. As they clear the table, you start the dishes- putting water in the cooking pans to soak while you get the dishes first.
You might want to assign the oldest child to wash the table. Teach him how to look for messes on the edge of the table, on chairs and to use the light reflection to see if there is anything stuck on the table. The 2 older kids are old enough to start helping.
It is part of a parents' job to teach kids survival skills and these include cleaning. After showers each chld straightens their beds, puts PJ's away, stuffed animals on their bed. Also, make it a routine that every afternoon the kids pick up.-say maybe around 1 hour before Dad gets home. Straighten pillows, make sure all toys are away, shoes in closet.
With that said, even though you are a stay at home Mom, Dad has to be responsible for some things too. He should help with the big jobs, like washing windows, drapes, carpets.
My dad never helped with kids or the house. We had to have everything picked up before he got home and then we had to be quiet. My mom was always so relaxed and happy when he was out of town. Discuss this with hubby. Is this the kind of memory he wants his kids to have?
I'm sure he has habits you overlook, so he needs to overlook some of these things. My husband used to complain about the tricycles and bikes being in the driveway. I told him, it is only for a short while, soon you will be missing those things.

I'm wired just like your husband. Fortunately, my husband is the same way. It's not that I happily tolerate a dirty shower, though -- I prefer everything to be clean. But, given the choice, I would choose 'tidy' over 'clean'. I simply do not function well in chaos. I can't relax. I need a system. I take comfort in organization, and I don't like wasting time searching for my keys or my iPod when I need them. I also take comfort in knowing if - God forbid - someone drops by unannouced, my house won't look like a bomb went off.

Don't get me wrong -- my girls collect little crippy-crap things as all little girls do, and all my kids play with toys and do art projects, but everything gets put away in its rightful place when they're done. Or else mom starts to twitch, and nobody wants that. :)

I find that if I keep up with the 'little things' they don't turn into big projects. Maybe it's because I work full time and have 6 kids -- I simply can't let things get too far out of controls (believe me, it doesn't take long). Or maybe I just have undiagnosed OCD. :)

This isn't about me, but I thought this might give you some insight into your husband's thought process.

Lastly, I see that you're a photographer, so you are probably right-brained (artsy/creative). Right-brained people are typically less concerned about details and organization, so maybe there is something to that psycho-stuff!

Hi S.... I think we may be the same person! :) I like to be organized, however I am cluttery and that drives my husband crazy! I too, am trying to turn over a new leaf. I discovered MotivatedMoms.com and have started (well, at least tried to start) implementing her system. It is $8 for one year and gives you small tasks to do each day to maintain your house. It even goes so far as to list "clip childrens nails" once a week. I just started this in November and while I for sure haven't done everything everyday, I'm trying and that's a start.
Also, another deal my husband and I have is that I love to cook, but hate to clean up the mess. So, our deal is that I cook, he cleans and loads the dishwasher each night after dinner. I also enlist the help of my boys to pick up. When I get the crazy motivation to do the dishes while my husband is at work, he really appreciates that he has less to do after dinner.
Good luck!

I had to respond since we have the same name and I totally could have written that! :D

I'm sure you'll get some references for Flylady, which is a great system. For me though, I just couldn't stick to it. I guess I just can't do the same thing every day. Never did get into a real routine.

What I do now, is unconventional to say the least, but it works for me. I have each room/chore written on a little piece of paper (kitchen, dining room, living room, laundry, etc.) which is folded and put into a container. I then pick one out by my random method (shaking the container to see which one falls out first--gosh, this is embarassing!) and set the timer for 5 minutes. I do whatever I see needs to be done in that room or with that chore for the 5 minutes. Then on to the next. I usually aim for a certain number of tasks to complete in the day.

For me, this method works because 5 minutes isn't long enough for me to get distracted by some detail or project that I notice needs done. . . usually. Also, you'd really be amazed at how much you can get done in that short amount of time!

I do have "cleaning day" each week and everyone gets a room to clean thoroughly, but the kids are still learning. I realized I had to give them more responsibility in that department (and try not to nitpick) so all the burden wasn't on me and therefore I wasn't as grumpy with everyone!

Keep trying until you find something that works. It's incredibly rewarding to look around you and see your house is actually presentable!

~S.

I may be wrong, but I am hearing that your hsband comes home and expects things to be tidy, and wonders why it isn't. First, I would enlist the children's help to clean off the table of the breakfast dishes. Then...
I would arrange for him to be home alone with the kids for 2-3 days while you are gone somewhere with family, friends, business, etc. He can then see how easy it really is to keep everything neat and tidy all day with 3 busy, active kids. Also, you can then be the one to come into the messy house after being tired from the long car ride home, busy meeting, or whatever you do, and perhaps see how he feels. Sometimes, role reversal can be just what we need to see things from the other persons point-of-view. He will see how exhausted you are from being at home with the three active kids, and that it hasn't been as easy as it might look like it should be.
I also like the idea of 4:30, drop everything, and tidy up the toys and clean the table. Again, get your children to help.
Good luck,
R.

Hi S.,
Check out flylady.net.
It is a free mentoring website that helps to get us into easy routines that work for us. It also helps to keep from getting sidetracked and doing the next fun thing when there are still everyday routine stuff to be done. After a while the routines become second nature and it seems like the house keeps itself clean! Check it out, let me know what you think- best of luck to you.

it's funny reading your post...i am exactly the opposite! i like to focus on the small things, like toys put away, a clean countertop & table, etc. instead of the major things like a clean shower, clean carpets & such. to help myself focus on the major things, i broke them down into a daily calendar... for example, on the first monday of each month, i clean our downstairs bathroom, on tuesdays & fridays i do the baby's laundry, on wednesdays vacuuming, alternate thursdays with the master bathroom & the kids' bathroom...& so on. so maybe you could try that but on a smaller, daily scale. such as wipe the table only once a day at a certain time & put toys away before bed. just work it into a schedule & maybe even have it written down somewhere so you can check it off when it's done. that worked for me, seeing it as a reminder.
i haven't gotten back into the habit after our 2nd baby arrived (she's 3 1/2 months), but i am starting to think about it again.

also, if your husband gets frustrated about it, he has legs & arms, too & is able to help pick up & clean! i understand that he works OUT of the home, but you work AT home & there just isn't enough time in the day to spend with your kids, clean the house, do every day routine things & your photography business. he should be more willing to help out & be less frustrated about it all. when i explained this to my hubby after our first kid arrived, he completely understood & helps out. it lessens both of our stress...

What if you made a little compromise like stack up all the counter stuff in one place and spray off the counter so it appears clean; in return he sorts through all the stuff and deals with it after he unwinds. It's hard for the spouses who work outside the home to understand how we can clean the same spot 3x/day to no avail! Good luck :)

S.,
Hi! You sound a lot like me (and my husband like yours!) My husband also doesn't notice actual dirt and grime but gets stressed out by clutter. He is also choleric. You have 3 young children and a business and can't be expected to do all the housework. My husband can straighten up the house so much faster than I can. Ask him to do it for you a couple of times a week. I struggle like you do to keep things picked up, but I think I have the key, which I learned from my friend Harriet, whose house is always clean. Harriet has good habits. When she is done with her towel, she hangs it up immediately. Directly following dinner, she does the dishes. The kitchen is back in order after every meal. When she pulls a load out of the dryer, she immediately folds it and puts the clothes away. I don't think Harriet spends a lot of time on housework, simply because it doesn't accumulate. Another key I learned the hard way. My mom always cleaned up after me and my siblings, so we didn't have good habits as adults. It has been a long, hard battle for me. I think I once had a borderline hoarding disorder. Have your kids pick up their toys every night before bed. Teach them to carry their dirty dishes to the sink. Have then help load and unload the dishwasher or wash by hand. In the long run, you will have less housework to do and your kids will know how to manage their households some day. I try to do one load of laundry each day and one load in the dishwasher each day. I put the newspapers in recycling every day. Just keeping dishes done and toys picked up and clothes and newspapers off the floor keeps things reasonable. It's okay for you and your husband to have different standards, and I certainly want to prioritize spending time with my child over fretting over every bit of clutter. The final key is to say GOOD ENOUGH. It sounds like you have a happy family.
Don't worry about it too much. Be well, R.

4:30 is clean up everything time at our house. My husband also functions better when he comes home to an orderly home. Because I am right-brained and tend to start more than I can finish many days, it helps if I warn him on the way home that I haven't gotten the laundry folded or whatever. That way at least he can anticipate the chaos he's coming into. I try to honor him by straightening up at the end of each day and communicating. He honors me by helping out when it gets ahead of me and being understanding. Works for us!

Dear S.,

Are you my twin and we were separated at birth?

I love the post about the role reversal (no, we haven't tried it).

My problem is also that I have too much stuff and not enough room to put it anywhere...and my husband doesn't understand that his job comes with an office and my jobs do not (musician, private lesson teacher, substitute teacher, after-school enrichment teacher). Also when God gave out organizational skills, He gave me the ones that can put together a concert without batting an eye but not the ones that can keep to a de-cluttering system.

Your kids are younger than mine, and that does make it tough.

My dining room table is the "clutter magnet" in our house, and I just keep trying to chip away at it. That's all I can say, except that you're not alone! Hope that helps!

Hugs to you, and Happy Holidays!

K. Z.

Hi there....This is a Huge help...go to www.flylady.net
This website will help you prioritize and by the end of each week you will have been able to clean the entire house. Check it out.
M.

So in reality you are a creative who is taking care of three small ones during the day, along with opening a business from home. If your business is generating income for the household, that means at worst, you have a part-time paying job, at best a full time job. So, since three children that young would take most of the time in a given day, as your first priority, where does the business fit in? Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, yet there are expectations by both you and your husband that you should be somehow doing more. Is that realistic? How about this? Why don't you and your husband have a discussion about what's important to him and what's important to you. How much is he willing to support your goals? What are three things you can do to make him reasonably content when he comes home? Can you implement some tricks, like the ten minute cleanup, in the kitchen for example, where you dedicate ten minutes to cleaning off the table and the counters, filling up the dishwasher, before you start the projects you're interested in. Make a game out of putting away the toys about a half hour before husband gets home. And have husband clean the bathroom once a week; he can pitch in too.

I personally feel overwhelmed with trying to keep up with cleaning when I have little ones to run after, appointments, studying, etc. I do things in 15min increments. At the beginning of the day I make sure that things are relatively picked up after I drop by boys off to daycare. I make sure I don't spend anymore than 15 minutes on it or I will become involved in small projects and waste my whole work day away. Then after the boys have eaten dinner, I spend another 15 minutes picking up toys, cleaning the table, putting away dishes, etc. I have the boys help me out (3 and 4 years old) putting away toys, setting out clothes for the next day, bringing small loads of laundry upstairs to put away, etc.

I suggest you try something similar. About 30min before hubby gets home, spend less than 15min picking up toys, cleaning off tables, organizing the kitchen, moving laundry from a folding area to the bedrooms, etc. I do this in something like a tornado fashion where I'm non-stop moving. It's really quick. I feel better that things look organized on the surface. I limit myself from getting involved in little things like organizing the kids book shelf, cleaning a stain out of the carpet, cleaning out the fridge, etc. Good luck!

You need flylady.com. It is a website that gets you organized! You will receive reminders to do things, suggestions on how to, and assignments each day. The best parts are the encouragement, start where you are attitude, and small steps to an organized home.
Good luck.

Dear S.,
I know what you mean about finding it hard to clean up when there are other task to be done.
I too live in a world of mess. I work outside the home, but when I get home at the end of the day, I am just to darn tired to clean. I want to, but I am know so over taken by the mess I don't know where to start. I have also tried to start a new me, and clean and just like you by the next week, I am back to the old me.
My husband gets so mad at me and makes really nasty commits about the house.
I wish he would get to helping me if it makes him so mad. I just think that as long as we are clean and our clothes are clean, then either help or shut up.
Anyway, just keep trying to clean up and start over. I do it all the time. Maybe one day we will get lucky and it sill stick.
I have a 4yr old daughter to look after too. she is getting just like her dad and starting to say nasty stuff to me about the house.
Good Luck
S.

In a word- www.flylady.net

You can't go wrong. She helps you set up routines and puts you house in zones. You work on one zone per week, etc. Sorry to tout a web-site, but it's the only thing that has worked for me and several of my friends. Best of luck.

C.

My gosh it's like I wrote this myself! I'm in the same boat as you. I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I'll be checking back to see what kind of advice you received because Heaven knows I need it too! Good luck to you!

For a lot of people tidyness is more important than cleanliness. When our home is picked up and looks tidy, it somehow xfrs to our brain and allows our brain to switch from stress to peacefulness. Does that make any sense to you? Your hubby probably has an easier time to shift gears when he comes home to a "peaceful" house than to a messy house. Mess increases stress levels in some people. That could be why he is so bothered by the mess but not bothered by a scummy shower. Anyway, I'm following the other ladies' advise: check out flylady.com and set your mind on persevering in your task to tidy up your house b4 hubby gets home. If you can come up with an exciting game for your 4 and 5 year old, then make a game out of it and let them help you. If you stick with it, it will become a routine and a new tradition for you and the kids (although it is still boring work). Good luck to you.

Hi S.!
I am also a stay at home mother, but I only have one three year old who, actually, is able to make the same mess an entire pre-school class can make! I kind of just make my own cleaning schedule - the first thing I do when I wake up is go to the basement and put in a load of laundry, or switch the laundry from the previous night...then I will make breakfast - eat breakfast, and while my son is eating, I will do something small, like wipe windows or whatever is in the area to clean. Then I make my 3 year old help me pick up the mess - he actually enjoys helping me wipe down the tables. Throughout the day, I will just put in a movie, and clean what I can....during bathtime, that is when I wipe the sinks and sometimes scrub the toilet...if you are in the bathroom alredy why not clean a little?? but actually for the most part - I do most of my cleaning at night after he has gone to bed. That is when I put in another load of laundry for the morning and wipe down whatever I can. I found that the more I involved my son he actually enjoyed helping me, so we just make it kind of like a daily activity. So what I'm trying to say is you just have to kind of make your own schedule, and involving the kids can be kind of fun for everyone!

I have seen several responses on here that mention it so I will reinforce what they have shared...flylady.net has an excellent system on how to clean & maintain your house. There are a lot of emails but don't get overwhelmed. She starts you out with babysteps & you can sign up for them. Each day there is something new to do. I belong to the cafemom.com site and we have a group on there called fluttering flybabies. We support & motivate each other. Before I started flylady, I felt i could never get a system going or stay on top of things. That is not the case now. I work from home full time and I cannot work in clutter & mess....so it was important to me to find a way to keep up the house, work and do my mommy duties. That site and the group I joined on Cafemom has helped me so much! Good luck!

S.,
Make lists for each day of chores but do the ones your husband find important, a happy hubby is a good thing.Your 4 and 5 year old are old enough to help you as well if they are not in school yet.Your husband could also help with chores rather than complain. You are raising 3 children and children are messy.It only takes a few minutes to clean the table off or wipe off the counters.
Myself I don't have that problem I am obsessive compulsive about the kitchen and bathroom being spotless and the dishes must be washed.The rest of the house can look lived in but my bath and kitchen just have to be clean and sanitary 24/7. My boyfriend has taken over some chores around here because of my health problems and I have to ask him to redo things all of the time.He doesn't work a job because he has had two strokes and the Dr. told me to keep him busy but he half does the jobs and then I get upset and ask him to finish it.He acts like a child most of the time just wanting to go outside and walk the side walks and sit and visit with his so called friends.Lately I just take one certain job a day and tackle it, when I am done I feel like I accomplished something, but it is always more than hospital clean.I have my own buisness called Turtle Love Crafts, I make Native American jewelry, carve stone pipes for native cerimonies and carve fetishes and I also weave and make fancy belts for native dancers.I have many hobbies that can keep me busy but when the house is out of order I feel depressed and can't concentrate on what I am making at the time.
Any ways it sounds to me like you just lack self disipline and that can get worse as you age if you don't take charge of it now.Self disipline is a learned trate so work on it and I am sure you can beat it and keep your household happy and functional.You need to teach this self discipline to your children as well.Good Luck sweety I know you can do it, all of life is a learning process.
Debbie

I can come home to a clean house and not worry about the shower being scummy, etc.. like you said. I think maybe its the things that stand out that if are clean is peaceful to your husband. Its almost on display where as the shower is tucked away. I usually will clean at night or before i take the boys out so when i wake up or come home the house looks good. I don't go overboard but I do do that.

Hi,
I just read another post similar to yours and the advice is the same. Go to www.flylady.net post haste! She has a very workable plan for getting and keeping your house clean and clutter free. If you're up for a challenge and an adventure, this will be what you're looking for! Take care...

It really is comforting for my husband to come home to a relatively clean gome. He understands that our home won't be completely spotless (like it was before kids) until we are empty nesters. My advice would be to split up your chores to days of the week. I do laundry on a need to do basis, so thats pretty much every other day. I clean my kitchen floor on Thursdays (with spot cleaning as needed)and my counters and appliances are cleaned on Thrusday as well. My bathrooms are done on Fridays. I change bed linens on Saturdays. Vacuum once a week on Mondays. Grocery shop on Sundays. I learned when my almost 5 year old was an infant, that I often forgot what I did and when, so its been alnost 5 years and this system works great for us. I also meal plan and shop according to that list I make up each week. I hope this may help you. With two kids,I just try to stay on top.

Oh girlfried I can SO relate! I am the same exact way.
I will suggest two things here...
Have you ever heard of flylady? www.flylady.com she is awesome!!! You should check her website out and it's FREE!!!

Also, I have a yahoo group I started for stay at home mom's that need help with their cleaning. We all do it together. We send little motivational games through the group and stuff.
If you're interested in joing here is the link
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FLYINGSAHMS/
We'd love to have you join us!!!

S.

It sounds like we share similar lives. My husband isn't so picky, but I too struggle with maintaining a clean house. You should check out www.flylady.net for some ideas. Some of my solutions are having certain days to do big chores: Mon-cleaning, Tues-shopping, Wed-play group, Thurs-laundry, Fri-free day. I also make sure that there are certain points in the day for picking up, like before we get dressed breakfast needs to be cleaned up or before nap time kids pick up toys while I clean up lunch. Maybe you could build a clean-up time into your late afternoon routine before your husband gets home. Or time it to when he gets home so he can get his work things put away himself and help you and kids spend 15 mins spiffing up the house before supper, so you won't have to work so hard to clean up at bed-time. Also, ask your husband to take over 2 of your regular chores so you have a little extra time during the day to cram in all the work & fun. (My hubby folds the laundry and is in charge of washing the dishes.) I know it's hard to keep it all working smoothly. But that's why I occasionally use the flylady's description, "side-tracked home executive," for myself. :) Good luck - L.