I Need Help Explaining

T., unfortunately this story sounds all too familiar to me. I have two children that has a father ten minutes away from. He know where we live, doesn't stop by or call. He knows where they go to school and doesn't even attempt to speak with their teachers or participate in the events at the school to be with them. It is hard and believe me I know how you feel. Remember that in order for them to feel like it is not their fault I have always found that being honest works the best. I know that they are young and I would give them the chance to discuss how they feel. I would remind them as much as you can that the decision of their father not coming back to the house or visiting is not their fault but his choice. They will almost always assume responsibility as that's what children do like when their parents get divorced. Just remember they may not understand now but as they get older it will get a little easier.

Hi T., Wow, that is weird! Do you have any contact with him? Maybe dad should explain to them. Does he not miss his children? I guess you could say you will try to find out why dad has not called. My best, Grandma Mary

T.,
You've had a lot of good advice already. I think you do need to somehow talk to your ex or have someone mediate so he understands the pain he is inflicting and the consequences he may face. He might even benefit from reading these responses ;0)
Basically your kids should have a relationship with their Dad to keep them well adjusted. If they can't because he's an idiot than they need support from you, an outside male (maybe your father or brother)and some counseling from a professional.
I am a single Mom myself whose sons are grown. Luckily and sometimes not so luckily they had a strong relationship with their father. I had lots of issues with his household rules and how he and his new wife treated my boys, but in the long run I believe they benefited from the time they spent with them.
I wish you strength & clear thinking and always remember he may be your ex but he is the father you chose for them.
Remind them everyday that you love them and that adults do foolish things sometimes.

I've been there!!!! Have you talked to their father and told them that they are asking about them? Or perhaps you can have them call him.

My son is ten and now his father wants to spend time with him but my son doesn't want anything to do with him. I can't really blame him because he has been in and out of my son's life when the time suits him.
You don't want to be in my current situation! Please keep telling them that it isn't their fault and that they are well loved!!!!!!!! Basically it's his loss not theirs. That's what you have to explain!

I agree 100% with what Michelle said and I am going to go one step further please get them into talk therapy. My son is now 24 and through his teen years suffered from very poor self esteem issues as a result of his fathers rejection. Even though I remarried and he loves his step-dad there was still a part of him that felt it was him. As much talking as I did by reassuring him it didn't matter. Sometimes coming from mommy it just doesn't seem real but from a stranger they will listen. Children know we are protecting them so they don't think we are credible. My son would say "Your just saying that because your my mom and you have to". I waited until my son was a teen and it did help tremendously but I think it would have been better if I had done it earlier I could have saved him some grief (my son was only 19 months old when we split). My ex is an idiot and has not seen my son since he was 12. He tried as Michelle said and by that point my son felt he was a stranger and did not want anything to do with him. I am sure even though he is 24 there is a piece of him that still suffers. He still tends to have trust issues and he is constantly working on that part of his life. I like you have always been in tuned to my children's feelings and it just wasn't enough. This is a tough situation because they love their daddy and he is to stupid and immature to realize the damage that he is doing to them. You can't fix him but you can help your kids to deal with it and not internalize the rejection I am sure they are feeling. This is a tough cross for you to bear being mommy and daddy and also to clean up daddy's messes so I completely understand where you are coming from. If you can afford therapy get it for all of you it helps for them and you to get your feelings out. Good luck to you I know how hard it is to be a single mother.

Hi T.,

Wow, that's a tough one! It would be helpful to know a little bit more about your ex's reasoning for this decision not to be involved with his children. Did he already want to no longer be involved, and this gave him the excuse he needed? Did he say that in anger, but feels like he can't back out now even though he regrets it? Did he feel like his children were rejecting him by wanting to come back home, and so he's rejecting back? Also, what prompted the kids to want to come home to you? Any special event, or was it just that they weren't used to being with him full-time, and they missed you?

If you haven't done it already, I would have a conversation with Dad, try to understand why he is acting this way (did he give any signs he might do something like this before?) and make it crystal clear to him that he is profoundly hurting his children by refusing to have anything to do with them. If you can find his motivations, you may be able to reverse the situation, and then it'll be up to him to explain his behavior. If he won't budge, then you'll have to do it yourself, and I agree with you that it's hard to do, especially if you don't want to say something negative about their father.

What about something along the lines (if it corresponds to the truth of what is going on): You know, sometimes, when moms and dads split up, it's because they really didn't get along and just couldn't make it work. Often, neither of them wants to have anything to do with the other one ever again. When there are children, it's not really possible, because even separated, Mom and Dad are always linked through the children. Some people want so badly to forget about anything that reminds them of their failed marriage that they just decide to cut all ties, even if it means letting go of their children. What happened was not your fault, Daddy was just looking for an excuse to do this. If you hadn't said you wanted to go home, he would have found another reason. I believe it was very selfish on his part, because he's hurting you, but it is his decision, and we have to respect it.

I would recommend that you find a good psychologist to help you frame the best possible explanation to your children, and potentially deal with their feeling of being abandoned and responsible for this abandonment. Doing it now is a lot easier than doing it 20 or 30 years down the road, when this belief has buried itself very deeply and affected many aspects of their lives (I know, I'm a child of divorce myself).

Hope this help,
K.

You need to call him and ask for an explanation. Do this when the kids cannot hear you because, if I were you, I would remind him that HE is the adult and they are very young children who need their father! Also, it is not unusual for children to get homesick when away from their usual routine. Perhaps he should read a book on child development. I wish you good luck because it sounds to me like you'll need it dealing with a very immature ex.

Call their father and ask him for an explanation. Then tell him to explain his actions to his children. I dont understand why there has been no communication with him for 9 months. It sounds like you 2 are having a power struggle. You both need to put any animosity behind you and think about your kids. Perhaps a family friend can mediate for you.

I had a similar situation. I separated from my ex when my daughter was a baby. He lives in Ca, I in NY. He came to visit her a few times a yr when she was a baby/toddler, and then stopped completely at age 3. Since the distance, and I have a lot of single mom friends, and joined single parent groups, and went out with single moms and their kids, my daughter really didn't think her situation was unusual until she started pre-school and learned that other kids have daddys that live with them. Then in Kindergarten she wanted to know where/who her daddy was. I'm a realist and I believe that u can't change what someone else does. I wasn't about to call her dad and ask questions. What can possibly explain this irrational behavior? I didn't say anything negative about him either, I just put it to her in terms a 5 yr old can understand. I showed her a map, and said this is where we live, this is where....and pointed out where other people live near us, or in other states near us, and then I showed her how far CA was and explained that it's a big trip for daddy. He has to save money, plan a trip, take off from work, travel very far, get a hotel in NY, etc. And some people don't know how to plan, can't save money, etc. Told her that some people can't plan in advance, can't save money, have jobs they can't leave, etc. Of course I told her that it was the way he was, not because of her, and told her how lucky I was to get to see her everyday, help her in school, take her out, etc. And how grandma and grandpa love her and would come to visit her. I tried to express and stress what we did have and how lucky we were. It has come up many times, she is now 14. She recently sent a holiday card with her picture cuz she wanted him to know what she looked like. I had 4 addresses for him and left messgs at 4 different ph.#s and eventually he called her. One week later, then one other time after that, he promised to send a gift and call again. He sent a card, misspelled her name, no gift, no other phone calls. I never had to say he's a jerk, he told her in his own way, his own inactivity. When she was little and asked about him, I told her the truth,....I don't know why he doesn't call or visit and I'm so lucky that I have you with me! I asked her how she felt, and agreed with her. Also took her to counseling and that helped. No child deserves what my ex or your ex is doing. I don't know how they sleep at night. But take comfort to know that u are the lucky one and your kids are better off without someone like that in their lives. I know it is the lesser of 2 evils, but I truly believe we are better off w/no contact from him. It gets better over time, your children will develop and flourish cuz u are such a good concerned loving mom.
J.

Father's can be such...jack A's. I haven't met many who don't try to play this game with their kids.

If he hasn't seen or called them and you are not sure where he is...you can always petition the court for abandonment and terminate his parental rights. Sorry...going through this myself but it's only been two months w/o contact...and counting.

I hate it when they put us in this position. Just let your kids know that you will always be there for them no matter what. that's the best you can do. When they are older, they'll figure him out. Try not to say how you feel but don't make excuses for his actions.

Luckily my daughter is 3 and has only seen her father twice since we split up..so she doesn't miss him in her life. She'll figure him out when she's older.

good luck,
Nanc

What a horrible thing for your children to have to go through.
My sister's 2 children were 4 and 5 when their father went to them and said that Mommy and Daddy were getting a divorce and that he was going to leave and never see them again. He then proceded to tell my niece (In front of her brother), that she was the reason why they were splitting up...b/c Daddy never wanted to have children and when she was born, he felt that his life changed and that he didn't want to live the life of a father!!
Sick,"B", HUH??
They screamed and cried and begged their father not to leave and he just left them there and walked away. My Mom was there and when she realized what he was doing, she yelled at him and even went after him, but she instead grabbed the kids and had to console them for hours after that.
He has never seen them since then and they are 20 and 21 years old now. My nephew for years after the split, blammed his sister and made her feel horrible. When my sister found out what he was saying, there was a big sit down and learn the truth about your father.
Your Ex sounds like a real fool. No father will do this unless he has a reason. Perhaps he has a girlfriend, and having the kids is a thorn in his side and their relationship. He must also be in some sort of power struggle with you....even if you are unaware of it...
You have to take the bull by the horns and talk to your children honestly. You cannot sugar coat things because they will not believe you later in life if they feel that you were not upfront with them.
Call him and find out why he did this, but I don't think it will change things. He obviously doesn't want to be a Dad any longer. If he really loved his children, he would never want to be away from them no matter what your relationship is with him.
Whatever his response is, it will be you who will have to tell your children. I doubt that he feels he can't go back on what he said....At their age they don't really think "Never again" is really just that.
I'm sorry he is such a jerk and that your children have to suffer.
I hope you and your children can find some peace soon and that they can go on with their lives without feeling like they were the reason for your split up.

I was a single mom for 4 years and then met my husband who has since adopted my boys and has been in our lives for almost 12 years.
My boys were around the same age as your kids at the time.
My ex had left when my youngest was 1 and the oldest was 2 1/2. My ex didn't call them, or see them for several years. They always asked about him and missed him, but I simply told them that they couldn't make him call if he didn't want to and it was his choice. His choices sucked but it was up to him.
I explained that he was the one missing out on what great kids they were and that he would regret it someday. But he was an adult and he made those decisions for himself.

I was very honest with them, without being hateful to their bio-father. I also explained that we could be a family together even if he chose not to be part of it.

My boys have since become teenagers and my ex came back to this area to live about a year ago. He was 7 miles from us the entire time and still had little or nothing to do with the boys. We had told him when the adoption happened that he could still contact them when he wanted to do so. He also has a son and daughter with his new wife and the boys wanted a relationship with the kids. However, hsi new wife made that almost impossible for them and they saw little of the kids.
They have now moved away from the area again, and my boys are fine with it.
My husband has been their dad for so long, that they don't even think of my ex as their father in any way.

It's hard, I won't mislead you on that. But you have to remain honest with your kids without derailing your ex. Your kids will figure all of that out on their own as they get older.

The other thing that was very helpful to me was that I still have a great relationship with my former in-laws. We go there for every holiday and probably once a month or more throughout the year to visit them. They are still a huge part of the kids (and my ) lives. They have accepted my husband and our daughter as part of their family and when people meet all of us we are introduced as their daughter and son-in-law. They even tell everyone my step-daughters are their grandchildren.

I was very lucky that I got great in-laws even when I married someone who wasn't the best guy in the world.

Make sure your kids maintain a good relationship with your ex-in-laws even if you can't have a good one with them for whatever reason. If you can maintain a good on with them too, it will help tremendously.

I see that you have a lot of responses and some of them I agree. I understand why it hurts you and you don't want them to think you're the "bad guy"....well, the way I see it is this: You can give them the choice either have them call him or you can call him and get the answer they want to know why he hasn't seen or called them. I probably would call him myself first not knowing what he'll say that would make them feel that it was their fault. I would explain to him that they love him and miss him too. It's just that they will miss you and him when the other one isn't there. It's hard for children to accept the fact that they won't have both of you at the same time in the same place. Also, explain to them that sometimes when adults are no longer together doesn't mean that the kids are at fault and that they are well loved by both adults. Your children are going to want you and their father to love each other and it will be difficult for them to understand that but hopefully they will come to accept that. I think it would be good for them to go to talk therapy about this because it may affect them in the long run in different areas of their life and let them know that they could talk about it with you too. I will pray that Jesus will give you the wisdom in this area if you ask Him. I will definitely pray for you all. :) Let us know how it turned out.

You will need to contact their father and ask for an explanation for this behavior. Maybe he resents the fact that the kids preferred you over him and therefore, is holding a grudge. Maybe he misses them but doesn't know how to get over this grudge. The first move must be yours. No matter how you feel for each other, the kids need to know that this is not their fault. Good luck!

What a horrible thing for him to say to your children!!!! Have you tried to talk to him about it??? Tell him how your daughter has been feeling because of what he said....plus, he is supposed to be the grown up here!!!

Hi T.,

I don't think you should explain anything.
Talk to your ex and get his version of the story.
Meet him for lunch so you can look him in the eye
and find out how he wants to handle the situation.
You guys are still co-parenting.

There are two sides two every story and than there is the truth.

Once you have a better understanding of the facts you will be better able to come up with an explaination - if one is still necessary.

Good Luck

9 months??? that's horrible... you've had some great responses - and i agree that you really need to touch base with their father!! It needs to get cleared up so you know where he stands in regards to your children. Its hard to know what to say to your kids if you don't know why its happening.

Like someone said, its possible there's something else going on and he was looking for an excuse to do this... or on the other hand, maybe its as simple as he got his feelings hurt. Sounds like something that might have been avoided if he understood they were probably just homesick and (like a good father should) tried to help them through it instead of getting offended and giving up. Maybe he just needs some honest conversation about how it wasn't his fault they missed you, that they were just homesick. Maybe (if things work out) the kids could see him more often? that way they'd be more comfortable with him and his house wouldn't be so out of their normal routine.

I know my situation is not at all like yours, but there have been times in the past my step-daughter expressed missing her mom (and she's had times of really missing my husband when she's not here)... and we'd let her know its always okay to feel that way, that we didn't take it personally that she missed her mom, but we didn't let her dwell on it either, we'd find something to help take her mind off it. Going back to her mom's was never an option.
So just like your ex, I'm sure internally my husband would take it personally if she insisted on leaving, but i also know he'd never have such an extreme response like your ex did! He'd suck up his emotions, be the adult and do what he had to to make his daughter feel better about things. Either your ex is too childish to put his kids first or there has to be something else going on!

I hope you can get this all figured out! Good luck and keep us posted on how it turns out!