I Need Advice on My Son & Daughter

Emperatiz:

I read recently of a similar situation and what the parents did was put a screen up.... and each child then has thier "own" space.

P., RLC, IBCLC
Pres. Lactation Support Group, Inc
www.lactationsupportgroup.com

I know that legally in Wi, being at that age and different sexes. They should not be sharing a room! I don't know the laws in Il, but I thought you might want to know. You need to put up something to separate their space. That being said, even if they were same sex siblings; it would still be a battle! My daughters share a room. We have ample space for them not to (ie, one in basement room). I think it's good for them to remain close. But that's my opinion. Good luck!

H.
mom to four monsters! :P

Actually, according to Dr. Sears, the author of Raising a Successful Child and Attachment Parenting, it's recommended that children co-sleep (share bedrooms) because it creates a stronger bond. I'm not sure if the age difference has anything to do with it, but I'm sure if rules were established for both children then it might not be as frustrating. I previously taught pre-school and kindergarten and two and three year olds were responsible for picking up their own toys, throwing garbage away, etc., so your duaghter should be ready for those small tasks. If you think she is going to have a tough time adjusting to new rules then I would consider purchasing the Super Nanny book because she goes through steps on how to establish new rules for children who might otherwise hesitate or not follow them. Also, I was wondering if you placed a piece of colored tape in the center of the room as a divider if that would work. For example, your son would keep all of his belongings on one side and your daughter would keep hers on her side. I understand they share a dresser and closet, so maybe that can be the exception for them to cross the tape (if they're getting clothes, etc.). I had three siblings growing up and at one point had to share a room with two sisters (one 2 years older and the other 4 years older). We all worked it out together by placing posters on the walls to mark our territories and that seemed to work. Hope this was helpful ;-)

When I was in high school a girlfriend of mine was going to stay with us for a few weeks or so, due to family issues. Well, a few weeks turned into a year and although we were good friends, we still needed our privacy. My parents ended up putting up some drywall to separate my room into two spaces. My room was not really big to begin with, which made two spaces big enough to each fit a twin bed and a small dresser. It was pretty small, but it was well worth it to me just to have some privacy.

I agree with Toni...it really isn't appropriate for your children to be in the same room because of gender and age. If you have ANY other space that can be converted, just for sleeping, I'd try that option or convert the upstairs. Even if it means cutting back financially and tightening the belt, it will be well worth it to have the extra space and peace of mind (as well as peace in the house!).

The other issue is no matter how much your daughter hates to pick up after herself, you need to train her to do so. I have a daughter who is also 4 (5 next month) and clean up time is ALWAYS a battle. It makes me crazy! Her 3 year old brother does a better job of cleaning up! But NOW is the time to "make them obey". It will reduce a lot of headaches later. Believe me...I also have a 13 year old son...'nuff said! :-)

Hi,

To answer your question...Yes. Your son should have his own space. Sharing a room with a same-sex sibling isn't a big deal as my sister and I did it forever. However, we are only 17 months apart in age and both girls. A 9 year old boy sharing a room with a 4 year old girl isn't fair to either of them at this point.

That being said, I'm not sure what options you have as I haven't seen your house (obviously). How many rooms do you have (not bedrooms but living, family dining rooms)? Is it possible to convert a dining room into a bedroom for your daughter or your son? We have a dining room and have changed it into a toy area for our son, instead.

If the bedroom is a standard 11 x 11 room or so, I don't think there is a way to divide that and still give each their own space.

About the apartment upstairs...is it already yours and just needs to be converted? If that's the case I would look into that option. How many bedrooms are up there? I, personally, have a hard time having the kids be on a different floor than my bedroom for some reason, but that's just my personal feeling. I've seen new construction homes that have master suites on the main floor and bedrooms upstairs.

If you can find a way to combine your place and the upstairs, I think that would be great. I'm not sure where you live, but I have the name of a guy that does AMAZING work and for a very fair price.

Good luck,

T.

I don't think the opposite-gender thing is a big deal at that age, either, if we're taking a poll. Millions of people around the world put entire families into spaces the size of a studio apartment in the US. I don't think anyone will be psychologically damaged. And it is only temporary, right?

But I do think all kids when they get to the pre-adolescent stage need to feel that they have some of space that won't be violated by someone else. I'd think about getting him some sort of storage container or chest that she can't open. I like the screen and curtain ideas. Or use some low, sturdy shelving - not narrow and tippy, but wide shelves, maybe 24" high - and make a half-wall that can also be used for storage. Maybe with those pull-out bins, like the Ikea Trofast line (which is wide and sturdy).

Yes, they need their own space. If it will be more than a couple of weeks before you can move your son to the basement or 3rd floor, here is another idea. Yes, a screen is a good idea, but not really for that age, unless you bolt it down somehow. It could be knocked over and hurt someone.
A better idea is to use a flat piece of fabric, an old sheet you already have, or a sheet on sale at a discount store. It can be hung from the ceiling 2 ways.
1. Install at least three hooks with toggle bolts in the ceiling drywall or hook screws directly into the ceiling joist. Use clip rings or punch in grommets at the top of the sheet.
2. Use an inexpensige drapery rod with end/middle brackets that install flush to the ceiling. Picture a curtain in the hospital that can be drawn around the patient for privacy.
You do have more flexibility with this install as it can be drawn back if desired.

I agree that if it is at all possible, give them their own space asap. I think your son's reaction is very legitimate and reasonable. Privacy for children his age is very important, and if he does not feel like he gets it, it could cause anxiety that could lead to more problems down the road.

I like the idea of the "hospital" screen by attaching drapery rods to the ceiling - very clever! Or, is there enough room in the bedroom to create a "dividing wall" between the two beds? Perhaps you could move the computer desk to a common area (the family room? maybe even in the bedroom closet if you take a door off?) and buy a second, inexpensive dresser for the bedroom. Place the dressers side-by-side, perpendicularly against the wall between the two beds. Your son's dresser would face his bed and your daughter's would face hers. That way, they definitely have their own space for clothes. And since they'd been sharing a dresser, they could use the extra space for toys and such and the "mess" would be confined to their side of the dresser-wall. Plus, since they're kids, they probably wouldn't be able to see well over the dressers, thereby giving them their own sense of space and making your son feel like his half of the room can always remain neat.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

Wow. When I read your posting I didn't think it was such a big deal. Obviously I am in the minority. I think your son would have the same reaction if he had a 4 year old brother that was messy as well. I think that the three of you need to sit down and set some guidelines on how they should each be doing their fair share to maintain the room. I shared a room with my older sister for many years and I was the messy one. She had the same reaction as your son. I don't think them sharing a room is an issue just because they are of opposite gender, obviously it means they have to do more things, such as getting dressed in the bathroom, but is that such a big deal? I have a cousin that has a 9 year old girl and a 4 year old boy that are in a similar situation, they thought about adding on but just can't do it now. So they just painted the room half lilac and half navy blue and let each child decorate their "half". You gotta do what you gotta do.

Good Luck,
D.

Laura and Toni are right on the money. Opposite sex siblings should not be sharing a room together that's the number one reason and the other reason is because of their age difference. Your 4 year old daughter should have a room where she can play with her toys and make the mess she wants, granted that she picks up after she finishes playing. Your son is at the age where he wants his privacy and at that age boys don't really like girls and find them disgusting even if it is his sister. Perhaps you can begin by fixing the basement where it won't flood, and make that into your son's room. I don't know him but Oh I can see how happy he will be, it's like having his own apartment. Not to mention your daughter, she doesn't have to listen to your son telling her about the mess she is making. It seems funny but to them it's probably a big issue. Good luck