I Just Don't Get Some People

If a lot of people together or a party atmosphere is so stressful - mentally ill or not - then maybe these people should consider SKIPPING it.

Your house, your rules.

End of story.

She is a big girl and can make the choice.
Attend the party without the dog.
Not attend.

This is your home, your party.

She was invited. Now it is up to her.

I agree some people always think it is all about them.

A 'Service' dog is a dog that is specially trained to assist handicapped people in their day to day lives.

A 'Therapy' dog is a dog that is not specially trained, and is used to help people cope. Some visit hospitals to see sick kids, some are pets, some therapists use them in their own offices.

Needing therapy is NOT a handicap. Just because her therapist thought it would help her, does not mean that it is necessary. If she is truly dependent on having her dog with her at all times to keep her anxiety at bay, then she needs a new therapist. One that will help her work through her issues, or prescribe her the medication to help her cope. NOT one that hands her a crutch, and leaves it at that.

You should not have to be inconvenienced in your own home because she can't handle going a couple hours without her dog.

You could tell her that when her dog is formally acknowledged by the National Service Animal Registry (NSARCO) THEN you will allow her to bring it to your home. :)

Tell her that the stress of having to deal with all of it will force you to need a "service" animal of your own.

The thing is, her Therapist is doing her a disservice. Meaning, the dog has now become her 'crutch.' For her anxiety. And she is using her dog... to justify her anxiety and personality issues.

BUT in the meantime, she has NOT, learned personal internal coping skills, and/or medication if she needs it.
The dog is not going to "cure" her anxiety... but helps, in it.
There is a difference. A big difference.
And, this dog is NOT a "service dog." It is a pet.
So, your SIL does not know the difference. Nor is the Therapist helping her in discerning, her issues.
They are both using the dog... as a crutch.
The dog, is not a cure.
It is a companion.

And, she is, using the dog as a way to then, become, "handicapped."
And she is, still. Per her issues. Which is not getting better. But now she has a dog... which she only displaces her issues, onto. And onto others.
She is co-dependent. She has STILL, NOT learned, how to deal with her anxiety. Nor has the Therapist, taught her about that.
You see that.
She does not.
Nor does her Therapist see that either.
She needs another Therapist.

Its your house.
Not hers.
A pet dog, does not give her carte blanche, for everything.

Pretty soon, the dog will need Therapy too.

NOW: what the heck, does your Husband think???
I mean, she is his, Sister.

now you will have 19 people over :)

Here's what I think, Gerri. Your SIL has a problem with anxiety. It's not my place to diagnose her or say just how serious her anxiety is, but here's what I feel comfortable asserting: if she had a real service dog, the dog would be trained. If she were so handicapped as to need a trained service dog, she would have one. Instead of investing in a real service dog, which is expensive, she has jumped on the doctor's idea and uses this as an excuse to bully others around her to carry her pet everywhere.

She sounds to me like she enjoys playing the victim. Considering your small quarters, lots of people and animals, and the fact that her dog is not a trained service dog (service dogs don't deal with other animals while working), your husband should just say that you are all sorry but she still can't bring the dog.

Dawn

I am really amazed at some of the responses you have gotten. ADA does NOT apply to your personal residence. You accomodated her dog when you had more space...your circumstances have changed now and you just don't have the room now. This causes problems with your animals that live there. I think it is rude and disrespectful for her to demand that you cater to her dog. It is also her right if she feels that she cannot be without the dog. You even said that she only takes the dog places that it is allowed. Your house is simply a place that doesn't allow the dog. She can make a choice to go or stay home.

This is not a seeing eye dog....she has no formal doctor's letter stating that she must have it for medical reasons....

We have become an entitlement generation. We have left common sense behind in favor of being politically correct. Of course, when you think about it, common sense isn't all that common any more.

You are correct, but not politically correct. You are using common sense. She should leave the dog at home or at the very least, outside your home. Like someone else said, if she needs to visit the dog, she can go outside.

Happy birthday to your daughter. Good luck to you and yours.

I figure you set your boundaries, she set hers. Actually sounds like she made the best decision for her and in that she's missing out. That's the way it goes when we draw a line.

Jeanne M has the right idea. It's great that the dog helps her cope. I don't have any anxiety issues and my dog helps me get through the day all the time. It's terrible that she is using the dog to manipulate situations and people. There is a vast difference between a therapy dog and a service dog.

I am friends with someone who has a service dog. She is an epileptic. The dog can sense seizures and alert her. The dog can also call 911 for her, should she need it. She has papers and documentation. Even with this, there are still several places her dog has been denied access. She doesn't cry or scream. She has educated herself and knows when she can fight the decision and when she can't. She also does not bring him to large gatherings. She could. It's within her rights. But she once explained to me that it was about common courtesy. She also mentioned that if something happened, there are plenty of people there to help her. If your SIL can't be without her dog for a few hours than she has much bigger problems than you being inconsiderate.

Regardless of whether or not this dog helps her OR if she can survive without him/her....you have made it clear that she may not bring the dog. She can either come ans doggie or stay at home with doggy. I don't believe homes are subject to ADA laws!

Where I work there is a blind lady who obviously has a trained dog with her. The dog is so well trained, does not bark, lays right next to this lady when the dog is not needed. The lady always carries the papers around with her to show the education of this dog, she actaully now trains the helper dogs and she trains them for FIVE years before someone else can own them as a certified helper.

I am sorry but to me the only reason that a dog can go into another building besides it's home is if it is a trained helper dog or concent has been given for that person to have the dog there. She needs to respect your choice... if it was a certified train dog would you look at the situation differently sure but that does not seem to be the case so I would be saying sorry we will all be inside and this house can no handle another animal.

Goodness. Listen, I work with people who have a mental illness. They are in their own homes, and mostly stay in them. They don't go out anywhere unless accompanied by someone else. I have had clients who have pets. Some are for their therapy. HOWEVER. None of them have brought their pet with them when going out. They are also on medication, and see a therapist, as well as use coping skills to deal with their symptoms when they arise. A good therapist would condone someone to bring a pet with them everywhere they go. What happens if something happens to the pet, or it runs away/gets scared when in public? What would she do then? Those are questions the therapist should be asking her to keep her prepared and to use coping skills when something like that happens. Especially if the dog does not have specific training. Therapy animals are their to console and provide someone to feel safe and secure, however, that person also needs to be responsible in not over using those animals. It defeats the purpose of having them in the first place. You should never rely on an animal to make yourself better. You have to make yourself better. If she can't deal with things on her own, by herself, without always having the dog with her, then she will never get better.

I know that having an anxiety disorder is a terrible illness. I have one myself. I just would rather work through my issues head on, then hide from them, and not get better. I have total empathy for those that have a mental illness. I have worked in the field for more then 10 years. My clients sometimes can't leave their own homes for months because of their fears. I tell them that they can do it, it takes effort, but to make small steps each day. When they can leave their house and walk to the store and back, it's a celebration for me. It's a huge step. Some of them get better, others don;'. They have to want to do it, though.

What about leaving the dog outside? She can bring him, and she can see him, but he doesn't need to be with her in the house. that would be a small step for her. She doesn't need to stay long ( probably won't if that would be the compromise). But it is a step for her not to have him with her at all times.

I'm not expecting you to change your mind, you are certainly feeling the stress of the holidays already. Your SIL has a mental disorder and a mental illness is often perceived as "a choice" or "a crutch" people use. However, it is no different, nor does the person have full control of the illness, than someone who has a (let's say) cancer. With therapy someone with anxiety can learn to feel their early cues and attempt to prevent an attack, but it takes a long time and not everyone can learn it (especially if there is little support). Please bear this in mind for future contact with your SIL.
I lived in a 900 sq ft for 15 years and I certainly relate to your predicament and like you we were not always able to accommodate all of our guests. I think in your conversation with your SIL, neither one of you were hearing what the other was saying.
Good luck and hope you are able to let go of your frustration.

Updated

I'm not expecting you to change your mind, you are certainly feeling the stress of the holidays already. Your SIL has a mental disorder and a mental illness is often perceived as "a choice" or "a crutch" people use. However, it is no different, nor does the person have full control of the illness, than someone who has a (let's say) cancer. With therapy someone with anxiety can learn to feel their early cues and attempt to prevent an attack, but it takes a long time and not everyone can learn it (especially if there is little support). Please bear this in mind for future contact with your SIL.
I lived in a 900 sq ft for 15 years and I certainly relate to your predicament and like you we were not always able to accommodate all of our guests. I think in your conversation with your SIL, neither one of you were hearing what the other was saying.
Good luck and hope you are able to let go of your frustration.

Tell her there will not be room for her dog at YOUR DAUGHTER'S party. It's not a sweeping condemnation about her or the dog in general. Be sure your husband backs you up. You need to focus on your daughter and your guests, not her dog. Preposterous.

You can't tell her what she should or should not be feeling. If I were in your position, I would not presume to guess whether or not she authentically needs to have the dog with her at all times. However, you DO get to say what YOU need, and you get to decide what is fair for your pets and other guests.

I'd use a 3-step process that acknowledges her need/request with compassion, then adds the magic word "and," which will put your needs on equal status with hers, and then tell her simply, "that will not work for me/us." Say it with calm kindness, but do not add any reasons or excuses – you'll sound weaker, maybe open to argument. Just a kind, firm, "Sis, we'd love to have you come to the party. I hear that you're worried you'll have a hard time emotionally without your dog. That sounds very difficult for you. And no, that will not work for me."

I've used this technique several times very effectively with needy, unreasonable people. They aren't happy with my decision, but they seem to get it that I mean what I say. And I'm formerly the world's biggest pushover.

However you decide to handle this, good luck.

I would have hubby call her and tell her that IF she brings the dog then she has to have it chained up outside. That it cannot come into your house during the party!

That way if she feels the need to be by her dog she will have it there... but outside. If she spends her entire time outside with the dog... atleast she made and apperence and you didn't have the deal with it being inside.

Your still drawing your line, you still get your final out come your looking for... no dog in the house. She still gets her way of bringing it, just not having it by her side insdie of the house.

We all have our own ways of dealing with things and getting away with them, mental issues or not.

Don't make your daughter's party about your SILs problem. Just make sure your daughter is having a good time and feels special. If the dog ends up coming and someone starts sneezing or something, then ask for the dog to be taken out. You have the rest of your party guests to think about and mostly your daughter.

My daughter has Social Anxiety disorder and if taking her dog with her would help her I would hope people would be understanding. I don't know your SIL but I know for my daughter a party would be very hard for her. Her anxiety level would be extremely high!!! It is hard to understand if you have never really experienced it. I am a lot like my daughter and I have been sitting here for the last two hours trying to get up the nerve to go close out a bank account. Shouldn't be a big deal but for some me it is. I know it is hard for my husband to understand but he tries and that is all I can ask. Try to see if there is something you both can agree on. Can you put your cat in a bedroom for a short time so she can come for a short time?

There is a difference between a service dog and a therapy dog as another poster pointed out. A service dog has extensive training. A therapy dog for personal use might have no training, although your SIL should carry a letter from her physician detailing the reason she needs the dog. There is training to have a dog certified as a therapy dog if you want to be able to take the dog to hospitals, schools, nursing faclities to provide therapy to others. (My dog is a certified therapy dog for this reason.) What to do in this situation should not be about the dog's training (because the dog needs no special training to be a therapy dog for its owner) but rather what you know about your SIL's condition. If she truly is a person who suffers from anxiety, then the dog may well be therapeutic for her and you might look for a compromise that could work (for example, if the dog is small, can the dog remain in a carrier quietly for the day?) If there is no workable solution that won't interfere with your daughter's party but you believe that your SIL does suffer from anxiety, then I would be a little more compassionate about telling her you cannot accomodate her for this visit. (I am so sorry that we cannot accomodate Fido during the party, maybe we could have a birthday dinner next week at your house - we'll bring the pizza.) If you don't believe that your SIL has an anxiety condition and you believe that she's just manipulating people to accept her dog as an unwanted guest, well, then I guess that's what you've told her.

I'm not going to go off on you or tell you how horrible you are. You're not horrible. I think that you just don't understand what's at play here, so I just want to explain something.

Mental illnesses are just as serious as any other disability. They fall under a category called "Invisible Disabilities." First you need to know what a disability actually is legally and officially. This is not opinion, this is FACT.

"According to the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 (ADA) an individual with a disability is a person who: Has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities; has a record of such an impairment; or is regarded as having such an impairment (Disability Discrimination). The term invisible disabilities refers to symptoms such as debilitating pain, fatigue, dizziness, weakness, cognitive dysfunctions and mental disorders, as well as hearing and vision impairments. These are not always obvious to the onlooker, but can sometimes or always limit daily activities, range from mild challenges to severe limitations and vary from person to person."

sources:
invisibledisabilities.org
Disability Discrimination eeoc.gov/types/ada.html
Americans with Disabilities census.gov/apsd/www/statbrief/sb94_1.pdf

This means that your SIL has a disability.

I'm really sad to see that you don't have much tolerance for your SIL and how she copes with her disability. Her dog is therapeutic and therefore necessary. Maybe you'd rather she take a pill for your convenience?

My middle daughter has an invisible disability. She has Autism, which umbrellas other issues and concerns. You can't tell by looking at her why her behavior or speech are what they are. She's nearly 9 years old but people often think she's a fraternal twin to my 6 year old or younger than my 6 year old. It doesn't help that due to her sensory disorder, she doesn't eat well and therefore is below the 25th% in height and weight... so my girls are the same size.

I'm going somewhere with this, so please bear with me. Four years ago, my daughter was COMPLETELY nonverbal. She had regressed in her speech to the point of going nonverbal and using sign language but only when she was calm. Her anxiety was through the roof. She cried all the time. But when she was around animals she was a different child. We got a cat that September 4 years ago, and suddenly she was talking to that cat. She pet the cat, sang to it, snuggled with it, slept with it, rubbed it, pet it, and she started to talk to us again. She's still delayed no doubt about it but rescuing Luna gave us Gracie back. To this day, Luna will go to Gracie when she's upset, sit in her lap, and snuggle. That cat hates to see Gracie cry or scream or upset. Most other cats would run in the opposite direction and in fact, our other cat Daisy does run the other way. But not Luna. Luna is Gracie's therapy cat. Her fur is a texture that Gracie loves. G loves the sound and feel of the purring. There's unconditional love there too.

There's also considerable research showing that animals like cats and dogs are immensely therapeutic for children with disabilities, adults with disabilities, the elderly, people who are lonely, people who are depressed and anxious, people with Autism, people with Bi-Polar disorder, people with Sensory Integration Disorder, and more. Animals don't judge. They give their people companions unconditional love and affection and companionship for food and shelter and snuggles. That's it.

Please reconsider your position on this for your SIL. It's one party for one day, and it's not worth ruining your relationship with her over. Don't make this party be about your SIL. Let it be about your daughter, and make sure that your SIL knows that the dog isn't to leave her sight and is to remain with her leashed the entire time. If the dog is small enough to be held, it should be held for as long as it will tolerate. If either of them become too anxious, then they should have an escape plan from the party ahead of time. Have your husband explain this to her.

Going to a party in a 700sq ft house with 20 people would really stress me out. It's your husband's sister, he should be handling it. You get to set the rules about the party, but you don't get to make judgments about what people do or do not need regarding a mental illness.

You should have hung up in her face.

I find recently that people are using dogs as "service" dogs when they really are not. It makes her feel better and keeps her calm great, but she should
really stop and think and be grateful she does not need a "real" service dog.
I do not think she should bring to dog to your house. If she is that anxious
without the dog, then I guess she should stay home. I do not mean to sound
so negative, but people are taking things to a totally different level.

Hmmm.
I know someone who got her dog actually "certified" as a service dog and it's kind of funny because it's the poor dog that's handicapped. She has degenerative bone disease in her hips. The dog, not the woman.
The woman makes no bones about it (no pun intended). She did it so the dog could fly in the passenger part of airplanes as opposed to the cargo area or wherever they put animals on planes. She's a very well behaved and little dog and I suppose it's true that it decreases her owner's anxiety to have her closer to her during travel. However, the woman doesn't carry on about being disabled by any means. She doesn't take the dog everywhere with her. Just on airplanes between their homes in different states. Never to the store or appointments.
Far be it from me to discern anyone's level of disability, but for some people, regardless, it's a matter of "love me....love my dog."
You allowed her dog before so space, etc will be lost on her.
In her mind, suddenly, you don't want her dog around.

I have friends that I adore, but I don't let their dogs in my house. No way.
I like dogs, but I'm not a dog person and I don't have one. Any my friends don't ask me to be hostess to their dogs.

I hope it all works out.

Reminds me of my aunt, rest her soul, a teacher who had to deal with parents who insisted that their child needed a "therapy monkey" in class. We laughed a great deal over how she was going to hold the class' attention with a monkey in the room. I think you are well within your rights here and while I feel for your SIL, too much is too much. Be gentle but firm.

Sorry Gerri but in my thirties I suffered with terrible anxiety and trust me it can cripple and paralyze you!! I don't want to be mean but you do sound inconsiderate. If you have never had anxiety (thank god) you can't imagine how terrible it feels. I am sure this dog is only security for her. To you it is unnecessary, but for a person with anxiety there really is no end to the misery, no solutions, answers, or quick fixes. Sometimes the littlest things can just help someone and once you get that peace you just don't want to ever be without it. As a person who has overcome anxiety, I have never heard of this treatment, (nor do I agree with it, I think it is just another crutch) but I do know when I was there, I would have tried anything. I think you are being insensitive. Just because you cannot see her illness, does not mean it is not there. If she were blind would you tell her she couldn't come!!! No because you do not believe her illness is real, or maybe you think it is something she should control. I can tell you that is not the case. I should only wish you NEVER feel the effects of what anxiety can do to your life, and because it can run in families I would also pray your children never inherit this nightmare and experience such pain!! I think you have a right to your no pets rule, I just think your approach sounded uncaring, and that put her on the defensive.

Maybe she is 'using' the dog to get attention an sympathy. It makes her unique and gives her extra attention. If that make's her feel special then go with it and be grateful that she has found a new support method.
It sounds like the dog will be good therapy for her.

But; this day is not about her. She is an invited guest and needs to respect your home. You will have enough chaos :-) going on with a little girls birthday party. Suggest you take your family around to her house for a slice of cake the day before or after the party instead. Show your not trying to disappoint your daughter nor make a big deal about it but having her dog isn't an option on such a busy day with so many extra people in the house.

OH, I'm so glad you posted this question...you are not alone. My Mom and your sister must be best friends and comparing notes. My mom insists that her dog is a hearing service dog, and my mom feigns her deafness. And she insists on bringing her dog everywhere. She even stole a service harness from somewhere...and then she intentionally drops the leash whenever she is out and about....obviously, I could go on and on with years of examples.

Since you sister is ONLY using this dog for anxiety attacks, not like she's going to have real medical emergency, like a seizure, she could chose a medicated approach instead of her dog companion.

There is no magic answer with this one. You have every right to set your boundaries, lay out what you will have in your own home...and if she chooses not to abide by them, then she misses out on family time. It's a pity. She is obstinate about getting her way and having lots of attention about doing so. Sorry. Looks like there will be 2 less at the party.

I am sure you have probably already dealt with this by now, but how about a kennel for the dog at your house? Even if you guys have to provide one, maybe that would be a way to meet half way and still be able to have family over. If the dog is unruly or something this may not work, just thought I'd throw the idea out for the future. Good luck!

She is lucky to have found a way to get out of the house and back into the world again. Dogs are amazing, formally trained, or not. She's not trying to get her way on this one. She found something that works and parties can be very anxiety producing. If she feels she can't come without her dog then she should back down and stay home and miss the party. Your house, your rules.

Stick to your guns. It's your house. Ask her which is more important...being there for your daughter or the dang mutt (?).

I have a cat and a dog who do relieve my stress and anxiety...and add to it sometimes..lol, BUT I do not take them everywhere with me or use them as a crutch or flip out about separation anxiety. I go on vacation and put the dog in a kennel and leave enough food and water for the cat and a TV on to keep her company.

I know what you mean about the inconvenience of having furry guests. My mom would bring her two cats when she came to visit and my pet's behavior changed. Took me 3 weeks to get them to act right again. I put my foot down and she no longer brings them.

Sister in Laws can suck. Standing your ground once will change the dynamic. People like her try to control the situation by being a problem. This way she won't come and it was her ideal. Don't apologizes, it was her choice.

good luck

Tell your SIL to put her big girl panties on & keep the dog at home. My gosh she only going to be gone a few hours!