I Hate My Husband

Get YOURSELF into good counseling immediately, then see if you want to do couples counseling.

Your feelings sound normal for pregnancy, when most women seem to find their husband or partner underwhelming. However, it does sound like your husband is avoiding being at home. Do you think he might appreciate more acknowledgment of how hard he is working to bring home the bacon? Men like to feel appreciated, even when their jobs keep them away from family. Could he maybe buy some workout equipment to keep at home, instead of going to a gym? You both need to at least try to cut the other one some slack. Give it a few more months, this is not a good time to be picking on him and feeling let down all the time. Life isn't always fun. If things really don't get back on track, then try marriage counseling.

My first response to this was to say to myself he sounds rather selfish. But you are pregnant and although you might hate him currently you might hate him because you love him. He is not responding the way he should. In our lives we want the guys to know that we need them and that they should be there whenever we need our help. They however do not seem to get this. On their own. A little thought, something I have overlooked and might be helpful or not. Perhaps very specifically let him know what you need. As in You need him to care for your daughter because he is the father and will be the father of the next one. No need to state what a jerk he was, perhaps just ask him to be home at five or whatever. And if he says okay and doesn't then you will have to invent some consequences. Just like with teenagers. Not sure what they will be as you know what buttons he has to be pushed. He should not be doing this. I don't blame you for hating him right now because it hurts. But it can improve and actually be very good. Good luck!
S.

I would recommend talking to him sooner rather than later. Your emotions are under strain as is and you are clearly building your case in your mind which isn't necessarily fair to him. Don't wait until you are outraged to say something to him because it will come out as a lot more anger than if you were to calmly talk to him as soon as you are bothered by something. Those feelings fester into worse things. You are not unreasonable to expect more time and commitment from him. He is your partner in parenting and in life. He is responsible for things around the house as well. You need him to be there for you now more than ever! Tell him so, gently and with love and sincerity. I hope that he hears you and responds as you need him to!

I feel for you sister! Although, "hate" is a strong word and I'm sure that your hormones were being expressed in your email. I think, like woman, men also go through a "transition" with beginning a family. I have to tell you, it's about to get harder. I have a four month old and a 23 month old (so about your distance with kiddies) Most men, work full-time and don't get home till about 7:00. Most, don't even see their kids during the week when they're bed time is around 7-7:30..till it gets closer to 8-8:30. You're feeling very alone and not a priority. I would suggest writing him a letter, expressing your concerns in a constructive way. Telling him that you love him, need his emotional and physical comfort. Then, I would specifically tell him what you need. I.E. I need you home by this time, etc....I had a similar issue and I found that telling him that I'd like to sit and work out a schedule that works for both of us and expressing how I like it when he comes in after work and cuddles me for 10 minutes, means the world to me. I think every couple goes through a little discomfort during the pregnancy, early childrearing days. I'm sure you have a great husband who does many other "little" things for you or you wouldn't be having children with him. Give him what he needs, direction! Hope this helps... m

I dont blame you for ANY of your feelings.
However you are going to create a mess inside your self by withholding all that emotion in. Let it out, put it on paper. Type him an email....release it...
Happy Mothers Day! BY THE WAY you dont have to do everything.
That was the same $%#@ I did...just like you I was miserable.
You deserve MORE....

Oy! That sounds terrible. I bet you are just wondering how you went from being totally in love and wanting to get married to this guy to this! Jeez!

So, sometimes, mostly due to accidental coincidences in growing up and stuff, people find themselves in situations that don't make sense, yet are terribly frustrating, angrifying, and simultaneously hopeless.

Which is what you are describing.

At times like this counseling is usually helpful...although talking with a trusted and neutral person in any profession can also be helpful.

Find a therapist you can talk to, who feels like a good fit and give it a shot.

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org

You guys need couples counseling. You are likely feeling pretty tired at 8 months pregnant and you need some emotional support. I think you need to talk to your husband about your needs and see where he is with that. If you can come to some sort of agreement that he gets to go out and kick back _days but others he is home with the family.

I have found our energy feeds into each other. See if you can find a way to change your energy.He sounds focused on 'getting into the program' while you, as most women end up juggling all kinds of goals while pregnant yet! If I feel overwhelmed for more than a couple days my husband seems to give me space,too. If you have made a habit of 'going off on him' it pushes him further away.
This tip has practically saved our marriage: Write out a letter expressing your FEELINGS & end asking for a reply. It's a good way to vent & these usually turn into love letters.

This is really hard situation you are in! Being 8 mo. pregnant is hard enough w/o added stressors and your support system letting you down when you really need to be pampered right now. I'm sure your pregnancy hormones are raging too, which isn't making it any easier. You didn't mention what you've done so far. Have you told him how you feel? Have you explained how lonely you feel and left out of his life and him from yours in these last precious moments of pregnancy? Trying to play devil's advocate: do you think maybe he's anxious/depressed/stressed over the new baby coming? Try to figure out what going on on his side and maybe it can help you understand. (Even though I personally think it should be the other way around)
My advice: try to talk to him about what you are going through and how you feel without being angry. Easier said than done, I know. Also, tell him specifically what you need. ie: "I need you to just listen to me and let me vent and not try to solve my problems"
Good luck and blessings to you on your birth.

Hi B Z,
First you need couples counceling now. Don't ask him, tell him that you guys are going. It sounds like he is avoiding being at home. It could be a number of reasons, that's why you need the counceling. The next thing you need to do is tell him that he will be with your 18 month old for a couple of hours on the weekend without you. Again, don't ask him, tell him. Be specific, give him the day & time. Then go & do somethings you really enjoy (lunch with a friend, pedicure, shopping, movie). In order for you to be less bitter you need some time to yourself. He may even appreciate you more when he knows how demanding an 18 month old can be. If it will make you feel less taken advantage of then keep a time chart. For every hour he spends at the gym or having drinks with people, than you get the same amount of time for yourself. This may also help curb his time away from the house.

I am sorry that you are being ignored and that needs are not being met at a time in your pregnancy that you do need support.

I suggest that you ask him to go to a Brief Focused Solution Therapist. There are two in Chicago that I recommend:
John Walters who is on Thome in Chicago and Michael Banks, PhD in Chicago near Pratt and Broadway. ###-###-####

Both are married and will be able to relate to both of you.

I suggest calling Michael 1st because I know him better and know that he has two boys and is very involved in raising them and being very supportive of is wife.

Brief Foucus Solution Therapy is different than regular therapy. It focuses on a particular issue and you contract to see the therapist for a specific amount of sessions.

Since you are near term, may I suggest that you call on Monday.

Also friends of mine are great couple coaches who have written lots of ebooks. Here is one of their sites: http://www.RelationshipGold.com

M. Binder
Former Professional Counselor

Happy Mother's Day
www.toy-train-table-plans-store.com

I went through a similar situation. Seeing a therapist is p robably the best bet. Whatever you do, do it now. Don't wait. Go off if you need to but don't ignore what's happening. Try not to be too confrontational because you will not get what you want that way. Be practical.
If he needs to be gone x number of days per week, suggest that perhaps you hire a sitter several evenings to help you out. It's not quite the support you want from your husband but lifting some of the burden from yourself might make things a little easier and he'll have to rethink scheduling his evenings.
My husband pretty much avoided me in my last few months of my 2nd pregnancy and in the first several months following the baby's birth. It wasn't until my baby started showing signs of hating him that he started to reach out to me for ways to bond with his son. The whole situation was really sad and it's hard to forgive someone who's not supportive of his family.
You mention not knowing how to support him. I suggest you line up all your resources and focus on supporting your own 8 month pregnant self and your 18 month old. Hopefully he'll get his head out of his *ss in time you be there for you in your big day together. He will definitely come around. Be patient. He's still the same person you fell in love with. His focus is just not the same as yours right now. My husband was super stressed at that time, worried about providing for us. All he could think about was work and fixing the house. He is a huge male nester.
Good luck!