I Hate Being That Mom.

I am really bad about letting go and a little over protective, but, if you have a kid asking to go view colleges...send her out the door.

Sheltering her from the world like this is doing what towards teaching her about life & how to live it correctly as an adult?

Random drug tests should be plenty...weekly, are you serious? When she's never given you reason to doubt her? You do know that all you are teaching her is that you don't trust her & that she should stop sharing with you.

Good Luck with that.

Let me give you a warning. My older sister got pregnant when she was 15. We are 13 months apart. From that time on, my mom also put into place lots of every strict rules, sort of like yours. I was a good kid; got good grades; had nice friends who didn't get into trouble; didn't smoke, drink or do any drugs. However, I got so tired of being punished for my sister's bad behavior, that I started doing things to earn the punishment. Needless to say, I ran away at age 17.

So, you may want to think long and hard about punishing your 16 year old for the errors of her brother. And really, having to be in by 5:00 on weekdays and 8:00 on weekend IS a punishment. If you're not careful, you will turn her into a lying, sneaking teen. Or she'll just not come home one day. But I really don't see this turning out as well as you think it will.

You are being emotionally abusive. You are telling your kids you not only do not love them but do not trust them.

YOU NEED COUNSELING!!!

Your daughter and your son are not the same kid. Refusing to demonstrate trust in your daughter because her brother acted out is a disservice to her. Loosen the reins a bit and see how she responds.

Oh my goodness. Do you really drug test all your kids weekly or did you make that up? You think that's parenting? That's not parenting, that's policing.

:(

Your daughter sounds like a lovely, responsible, reasonable young girl. You are punishing her for the sins of her brother. If you continue to be so incredibly strict, she will go BUCK WILD in college, I promise you. You've got to ease up a bit, Mom. Let her spread her wings a little, because right now you've got her chained too tightly.

You say you must have these rules because "my son taught us what happens without them."
You're wrong.
He taught you what HE would do without the rules.
OR in spite of them.

You've not listed O. instance where your daughter has broken your trust.

You know, you can keep a dog on a short chain 24/7 for 10 years and he'll never chew a shoe or pee on your carpet. But it's not much of a life, is it?

Good luck.

Wow. Well your son certainly taught you a tough lesson, and I can see why you've reacted in such a strong opposite direction.
But one comment you made in here was that "you and DH were up all night in a panic".
You need to recognize that this is about YOU, and your daughter is not your son. It's not fair to punish her for your son's careless actions. I think you know that, and that's why you're posting out here.

Rules are necessary, of course. But give your daughter a chance to show you that she's not a hellion. She's done everything you asked her to do, now you have to give back a little bit.

Good Lord, I hope you are a troll. If not I feel so badly for your children.

Rest assured that you will have some rebellious kids when they do get a taste of freedom away from you.

God bless those children... They need it

I really hope you are a troll.
If not, you need serious therapy.
How would you like it if your husband had been cheated on in the past and he decided the way to make sure that nevers happens again is by having you followed, tested and never allowed to travel or be out of his sight? Would that make you a "good" wife?

Your rules are not even remotely age appropriate, and you are hindering her growth!

What exactly were the rules set for your older son? It sounds like he snuck out when you thought he was asleep. What's to stop any of your kids from doing that now?

Having a 5 pm curfew allows her to do virtually nothing with her friends. Is she even allowed to play a sport or join a club? Those activities are very healthy and generally require people to stay out past 5 pm. And 8 pm on the weekends? Really? No football games with her friends? No high school dances? Is she going to be allowed to have any of those memories that most of us have? Didn't you ever go out for pizza with a friend or have a sleepover? Do you really want to deny her those opportunities?

Your son wasn't "a hellion" because you let him stay out past 5 pm on a school night. I know virtually nothing about your son. Maybe he chose the wrong friends. Maybe he didn't have enough things he was involved in. Maybe he had too much freedom - where your kids now have virtually no freedom. There needs to be a healthy balance. What you are doing now is so incredibly unhealthy that your kids won't be able to function once they leave your house. They won't know how to make healthy, responsible decisions. They very well could be "hellions" once they leave because they won't know how to handle the freedom that comes with living in a college dorm.

Take a step back and try to look at this situation realistically. You have got to start making some changes. If you don't, you will have some huge problems in the days to come.

I recently watched an old episode of the tv show "Roseanne" while sorting through boring paperwork.

The middle daughter, Darlene, was balking at the very strict rules Roseanne and the dad (I forget his name) had laid down. The parents had recently found out that the older daughter, Becky, was sleeping with her boyfriend, whom the parents disliked intensely. All three (the parents and Darlene) are obviously upset and angry. The aunt stops by and asks what's going on and Darlene says "oh, my stupid parents have grounded me because Becky had sex."

You've allowed your son to extend a legacy of regret, bitterness, resentment and restrictions to his brothers and sisters. You're not teaching your children your values, morals, religious beliefs, or life lessons. Instead, you're letting your parenting be dictated entirely by fear, suspicion and guilt,. Stop letting your son's actions, no matter how heinous or objectionable, rule your home.

Of course, none of us wants those 4 am phone calls. But if you don't stop letting your son's mistakes rule and ruin your other children's lives, there's a good chance you will not receive any phone calls at all, not even at Christmas or Mother's Day in the future.

For the moment put your sons history's aside.
Each child is their own person. They each will earn you trust in their own ways. They will each need guidance, but maybe different ages and in different ways.

Is your daughter trustworthy? If she is, then allow her to prove to you she can be trusted. Each time she continues to make good choices, acknoowledge it and give her a bit more responsibility and trust.

In a few years she will move away and may never live with you all again. She needs to have the tools to be able to make good desicions. She needs to see the results of bad choices. While she is under your roof you can guide this.

You need some counseling. You have been through a lot with your son. But this is not healthy parenting for your remaining children.

I am sending you clarity and strength.

You have a big problem. Namely, you. Go get counseling, please. You are infantilizing your children and damaging them in the process.

Or this is completely made up. I'm really not sure. I cannot imagine myself being in a panic over my seven year old over at a sleepover.

Go get counseling, and maybe even medication, if this is real. Your kids feel trapped now,but you ARE trapped and have some serious issues. I'm not saying this to be mean, but your story is so preposterous, if it's true, you all need counseling and help. If you truly "hate" being the sort of parent you are now, then the onus is on you to change it, not on your kids to prove you right or wrong. They will be sorely unprepared for the real world at the rate you are going. Get yourself some help.

At first I was reading this and I was all for it - we are strict with our kids too. But WHAT?!?! Your rules are beyond ridiculous and I seriously hope this is a joke to see who you can get all worked up.

Your daughter seems to have a more level head than you and your husband. I mean seriously, it's crazy. I don't know what else to say.

Actually, I do. Keep on and you will have kids who go freaking insane as soon as they are out of your grip - and not only that, you are going to ruin your relationship with you for some time.

Hang on to your hat! They will all rebel with those rules. You need to let up. A week long trip supervised by a Mom. What a great opportunity. Did you give your daughter roots? Yes? Then my goodness let her fly!!' She is 16 and a 5 pm curfew all because if what her brother did. I am thinking he rebelled because you did not let him spread his wings. Time for some counseling for you and hubby.

Honestly, your kids would probably be better off getting into a little bit of trouble than being kept like hostages. Do you really think these rules are helping them in any way?

Please stop punishing your daughter for your son's transgressions. She is, you say, a pretty good kid. She has followed your rules, she has been respectful when she disagrees with you, and she has proven herself trustworthy. At her age, with proven responsibility should come increased freedom (which in turn allows her to gain experience acting responsibly and making good decisions). She will be a legal adult in just 2 short years. Do you really want her to leave your home and go out into the world unable to drive, with no experience making autonomous decisions? That is what you're setting her up for. And you're teaching her that she should be held responsible for the sins of others, particularly irresponsible males. You may be setting your daughter up for an unhealthy relationship with a controlling spouse in the future. I'm sure that is not what you mean to do to her, right?

The fact that you can't handle her being at a friend's house overnight says much more about you than about her. (And possibly your husband, too - it sounds like y'all are riding the anxiety train together.) I think it's time to see a professional counselor about your anxiety issues. The level of anxiety and the need for tight control over someone who has given you no reason not to trust her is not normal. It probably feels normal to you. That's because for a person experiencing this kind of anxiety, the fears ARE real, and justify the controlling behavior. Because you can feel the pressing negativity associated with this behavior, I think at some level you do know that there is something wrong. You can be helped, and getting help will equip you to be a more effective parent to your children. If you are a person of faith, getting support from your faith community could also help you. (Full disclosure - my husband is in treatment for clinical anxiety, so I've lived this one. Therapy really does help. Without therapy, we'd be divorced by now.) Caging the others because one child screwed up is not a good answer. Please, for your own sake and for your children, get help.

Wow.... I understand your oldest really put you through a lot, but some of your restrictions seem a bit much..... weekly drug tests when they haven't shown an indication to wanting to use drugs? All kids at home at 5 pm during the week, and 8 pm on the weekends? Are any of your kids involved in any activities outside of school?

What is going to happen when she doesn't have the leash on so tightly? What is going to happen when she has to make her own decisions WITHOUT you holding the end of the leash?

Hmmm........ when a person is in a relationship, and is being treated this way (like the partner doesn't trust them, doesn't allow them to have friends, or do things, they have an unreasonable curfew or expectations, etc., etc., etc....) we say that is an emotionally abusive relationship and encourage them to get out..... just because they are underage, don't you see this as being emotionally abusive to them, also? Would you like it if your partner had you drug-tested weekly because one of your siblings was involved in drugs?

Something tells me that when she has the chance to break free, she will run as far as possible and not come back.........

There has to be a happy medium somewhere in there......

My seven year old stays out later than that. You are incredibly unrealistic and selfish. My parents were strict not even as strict as you and I got the heck out of there as fast as I could at 18. Even now the resentment is strong and I don't talk to my dad much. I feel bad for your kids.

omg, i want to take your daughter and hug her!
you too. i'm sure it's hard after your older son, but my dear you MUST see how hard your daughter is working to be a good kid, and how you are frustrating and infuriating her by punishing her (and your other kids) for your son's peccadilloes.
your curfew is pretty draconic, and kids who are being drug-tested WEEKLY are having it pounded into their heads in no uncertain terms that they are dishonest and untrustworthy and cannot possibly ever be allowed to make good decisions without being hammered into it.
things could ALWAYS happen.
things WILL happen, no matter how tightly you try to lock your kids into a deprived, solitary, dreary existence.
your assumption that your kids have to be 'dragged kicking and screaming' into adulthood pretty much guarantees that none of them will get there naturally, gracefully and joyfully.
i love your daughter for sitting you down and trying to reason with you. i'm heartbroken for her that you refuse to listen, and 'simply cannot allow' her to enjoy her adolescence, and just keep burying her in rules and distrust.
i hope you wake up, mama, and learn how to let loose the reins. mistakes will happen. you won't always be pleased with the results.
but the results are sure to be dire if you keep on the way you're going.
khairete
S.

There are so many great points from other moms! If my parents had held me hostage like this I would have moved to another country when I graduated high school.

I gave my now 21 year old daughter the opportunity to practice making life decisions and figuring out how to sink or swim. We have always had amazing trust and communication. By the age of 13 she was making cross country flights alone to visit her BFF from summer camp. She figured out how to make connecting flights and what to do if in a bind. It made for such an easy transition to college. She participated in sleepovers at 4.

There is no indication from your post that you need to shelter your kids like this. I can't even select which rule is the most outrageous, I have never met a parent like you or your husband. If you want a relationship with your kids in the future I think you should lighten up

J.,

I think rules are great. I am a big fan of them. Kids DO need rules and limits, BUT when they are ridiculously unfair and unrealistic, the results can be just as damaging as when there are no rules.

It is not fair for you to judge what your youngest three MIGHT do just because your oldest chose to break rules all the time.

Your curfew hours for your 16 year old are not realistic. She's two years away from being on her own. How do you expect her to manage getting around safely at night when she's in college if she's never had the opportunity to practice within the limits, confines, and security of her current environment?

It's also not fair to not let her (or your younger two) have sleepovers just because you and your husband panic all night. That's YOUR problem to learn to deal with. Look, we all worry to some extent when our kids are not with us, but as parents if we say YES to reasonable requests where are children are appropriately supervised and safe, then we have to learn to manage those feelings of worry.

To not allow your daughter to go on the parent-supervised girl trip is a real disservice to her. She's missing out on a fun trip and also on an opportunity for a college visit. Why not get to know that mom who so generously offered to take your daughter? Let her know you are concerned, that your daughter has never been away on such a trip before, and see what she has to say before judging her incapable of supervising the girls.

All this "NO" really is having an effect on your kids. I can imagine them feeling like prisoners in their own lives! The "wearing" on you that you're feeling is your gut telling you that you need to make some changes for the social and emotional well-being of your children.

Your kids aren't going to turn into wild beasts just because you loosen up and let them experience their lives. But if you keep trying to sequester them from the world and the experiences around them, you may have an altogether different kind of rebellion on your hands and sadly, missed childhoods to boot.

Make time to talk with your husband alone and come to an agreement on how you two can manage your fears. Then go through your rules and start revising them to better suit the needs of your children.

Wish you luck with this, and even though it is hard for you, remember, you are making these changes because it is the right thing to do for your children.

J. F.

In two short years your daughter will be an adult and will not be able to handle the freedom if you don't allow her to do normal teenage things.

FYI...my girls have had later cerfews than your 16yo since about 7 yo. Also, I can't imagine your daughter will not grow to resent you for drug testing her weekly without cause. That is just over the top.

Since you hate being "that mom" I would advise you to simply stop being "that mom"

smh...
you are either a troll on this site...
or....well, I just can't be nice.

sorry, the drug testing alone ended the conversation for me. Lived your life with your eldest...with my own eldest. My younger son has freedom & responsibilities, not emotional & physical restraints.

I am reading this as- "my oldest was so bad that I have to restrict all my kids".

First, I can't believe you give a drug test to all your kids every week, that's crazy and shows you do not trust them at all.

Second, all kids are different and each one should be allowed some freedoms (within reason) and trusted.

By being so strict because of one child is not fair or giving a chance to the others to prove to you they are trust worthy.

What will happen to your other children once they are in college? They may not function well once allowed so much freedom and then make damaging mistakes. They need a chance to navigate the world and yes sometimes make mistakes. That doesn't mean they will be doing drugs, having sex, etc..

Your rules are stifling and will choke your daughter. She will grow to resent you and your husband. This is wrong! You are not parenting her you are punishing her for the sins of another. STOP IT NOW!!!

One of two things will happen. She will rebel and become exactly what you accuse her of everyday OR she will run and never come back. Those are your choices if you continue.

She is begging for life. Have you talked to the parent who is going? Here is your chance to actually parent your daughter. Step up and do that instead of punishing her for her brother's behavior. If you don't, you won't have a daughter in the long run.

Also, counseling NOW. This is not normal behavior. Drug testing every week? Seriously? Wrong wrong wrong!!!!!

I feel badly for your daughter. You are punishing her for your son's mistakes. She will grow up and run as fast from you as possible. You are setting her up for failure because she is never allowed any responsibility.

I really hope you wake up and realize how horrible you are being to your daughter.

You need to see a psychologist. You have major issues.

You are being unreasonably strict. She has not given you any reason to do weekly drug tests. She is right that "your rules" will make it difficult for her to make friends, 5PM curfew on weekdays and 8PM on weekends is unfair. She is missing out on important social time. You being up all night in a panic is your issue, not your daughter's. I feel sorry for you for what happened with your son, I think you and your husband should get counseling! I think the way you and your husband are treating your kids could be damaging to them, I think any therapist or counselor would tell you that and suggest a better way to go about this than keeping your kids so sheltered.

Sadly, I think your daughter is going to teach you what happens with these rules. You need to find a happy medium. Honestly, you sound traumatized by what your son did and now you are taking that out on her. Of course, she can't have friends with these rules ( if she follows them).
Aren't you scared she will run away or reject you completely? Also, in what way are you preparing her to be an adult, deal with problems or make decisions.

Hi,

Not sure what your question is. You want your daughter to have more freedom so allow her more freedom. Start small if you're nervous.

I can't relate to your parenting style. It wouldn't work for me or my family. I like to give people (including my children) the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise :) Has better results usually.

Good luck :)

All I can say is wow! My 10yr old is allowed out later than your daughter. I agree with everyone else that if you don't losen up now, she is going to go crazy once she goes to college. If she hasn't given you a reason not to trust her, there's no reason you can't give her some freedom. I allow my kids - even my 6yr old - to spend the night with her friends. Do I like it? No. I like for my kids to be at home but I want them to be kids and have fun creating memories with their friends.
As far as the trip goes, get to the know the Mom. If you trust her, there is no reason not to let your daughter go. I think it sounds like a lot of fun and something she will always remember.
Good luck!

Try to loosen the reigns. I know a family who kept really tight reigns on their son. He went away to college and totally broke all contact with them. He will not have anything to do with his family anymore. His mom is heart broken. His younger brother lost his best friend. They have a lot of regrets now.

I listen to a daily podcast that includes prayer requests. I recently heard one from a teen girl who was in tears because she was so overwhelmed by how her parents were acting based on the fact that her older brother had put them through hell. She was torn between wanting to be there for her parents but also being so overwhelmed that she couldn't deal with it any more. As I read your question, I wondered if she was your daughter.

My wildest friends in college were the ones who didn't have much freedom growing up. Some of them made some really stupid decisions that were life altering.

Yes, things could happen on the trip to Portland, but things could happen at school too. I don't want to increase your anxiety, but think about the number of parents who have lost their children to school shootings. I can't count the number of people I know who have lost children to disease, common illnesses, accidents on the way to school, suicide, freak accidents while they were with their parents. There is probably a greater chance that something could happen to her on the way to school tomorrow.

Please try to loosen up. It isn't fair to treat all of your children like potential trouble based on the actions of one child. You are going to drive your children away.

I feel so sorry for your daughter.

That being said, I feel sorry for you because of what your son put you through, and I feel sorry for you that you probably won't see your kids once they are out of your clutches. You'll wish to God that you had tried harder to give your daughter freedom, but it will be too late. I also feel sorry for you because YOU are going to make one of your other kids a hellion by being this way to them, too.

Why don't YOU go with your daughter and that other mother on this trip? Defer to the other mother when the girls want to go out AFTER 5:00 pm.

You drug test all your children weekly? They will grow up warped.

PLEASE get you and your husband to a therapist. You two need a lot of help. You are not supposed to act like a jailer to your kids. This is NOT love. You need to figure it out too before it's too late.

You can always tell who the kids are who were way too sheltered when they finally get out of the house and go to college, which is coming up quickly. You might want to let your daughter have some independence, learn to make some mistakes, or she will be the girl dancing on the table, chugging tequila, & taking her shirt off when she gets to college. Not saying she doesn't need boundaries or rules, but this is way over the top, and will backfire in a big way.

Please look around at all the wonderful young people you know. I highly doubt they have 5 pm curfews and constant drug testing. There are other ways of parenting.

Your job is to teach them to be independent, confident individuals that can go out into the world and thrive. You are doing just the opposite. Please get some parenting help before it is too late.

It sounds like she has earned your trust. It sounds like a lovely trip and useful to look at colleges. It sounds to me like she is mature and smart and trustworthy. Why don't you wait to crack down with the drug tests and super strict rules once one of your kids shows you they are not trustworthy...not before that. It will make your relationship so much better with this daughter...just think in not so many years from now she will be an adult making her own decisions in life. Your job is to raise her to make smart decisions and to be independent from you and to be a responsible adult. I think you are punishing your kids for your first son's behavior. Because he did it does not mean they will do it. Give them your trust and respect if they have earned it! Good luck.

She is going on a chaperoned trip with some girlfriends and her mom. Why not go with her and hang out with the other mom? I don't think you should continue to say no while she is still coming to you and being very responsible.

I'd tell her your insecurities. Be honest. Then make a compromise with her. Allow her to prove that she can be responsible with or without you. She needs some room to breathe!

Added; I think I skipped the curfew and drug testing part of my answer. This damaging and detrimental , and will RUIN any chance you have to have a good bond with her when she does leave for college. Just because on kid was difficult doesn't mean your others will. Maybe they learned by watching him? Seriously. I cannot believe you drug test them. You also know that drug testing can be pointless. Right? Seriously. I'm appalled. Yep. I think I'm done now. Good lord lady.

How is your oldest son now? has he calmed down? are you still on speaking terms?

If my parents were half as strict as you are I think I would have been far worst in college (you are doing a huge disservice here) You need to relax a little and let them grow up while you are still close. Stop saying no and for once say yes. So much can go wrong in our day to day lives, but that doesn't mean it will. Let her go on the trip with her friend. I have wonderful memories of my childhood and camping with friends and their families. If my parents were the No parents my wonderful memories and friendships wouldn't have happened. Let them live momma.....

Sadly, by not allowing her freedom in small increments, you now are slammed with a request for what, to you, is mind-boggling: A week away.

I can only imagine how much guts it took for your teen to ask you to say yes to this trip. Think about it-- rather than whining, complaining, cajoling, saying "But everyone ELSE is going, mooooooom!", she -- as you describe it -- formally sat you and dad down and had a reasonable and mature discussion about rules and this trip.

Can you step back from your emotions here long enough to tell her, "You handled that really well and very maturely"? She did, you know. And considering how draconian your rules are for a teen her age, for her to not whine or beg or slam around the house is pretty great. Let her know it was great. Let her know she's appreciated.

I am not sure what to say about this one specific trip because even if a teen were already pretty independent I wouldn't send her unless I knew the chaperone parent very well and the other teens well too, but that's not the issue you raise here. (I'd be interested to know what you'll say to her. I can see your saying yes if you go along for the trip or part of the trip. Could you not be "up all night in a panic" if you did that? Would your daughter be OK with it? Would you be upset if she had to miss her weekly drug test? More on that below.)

I want to second everyone who said you should get counseling. I would find a counselor or therapist ASAP and not wait. I would think you might need individual therapy or counseling, and also parenting counseling with your husband, if he is on board with these very strict rules. It's not really just about the rules, as you already recognize -- it's about your experience with your son so badly coloring how you treat your other kids that you are, truly, at risk of alienating them. They may go off to college and be those hog-wild kids who are acting out their first time away from home because they never got any experience being on their own before they left. Please get a counselor or therapist who will not just talk it over but who will help you develop some techniques for learning to say yes and learning to determine when yes is appropriate.

You are part of the way there already, since you can see the problem and admit that your experience with your son is the trigger. It's a very good first step! But please get out now and find a third party who can work objectively through this with you.

Think about this: Whether you mean to or not, you look at your other three kids but you SEE your oldest son. They will interpret their lives this way: "My teen years were really all about Billy, not about ME, and I'm not Billy." THAT is what has to stop, or you will never even know your own kids as people. They'll all be potential Billys and little else. Yes, you are trying to protect them but you're protecting them from Billy's behavior, not their own. He's gone from the house now but only gone physically -- to them, he still lives there every single day, hovering when you hover. Stop letting him rule your life AND theirs.

There's one detail in the post so "out there" that I almost stopped reading there believing it just couldn't be true. You drug test all your kids weekly. Have they given you any reason to make you think they are using drugs? Every one of them? If not, can you see how these tests are a huge red flag that you (and dad?) need to see someone who can bring objectivity and reality to your thinking? And this is another example of how older brother's behavior is creating some deeply damaging behaviors toward your other kids.

One other thing. There is something you can change immediately as you seek a therapist. Drop the 5 p.m. weekday, 8 p.m. weekend rule, which I assume you use for all three kids.

Only a kid with zero activities can manage that. Maybe your kids have only after-school activities that end before 5? Or maybe the rule means they can have activities after 5 but not just see friends socially after 5 or 8? If they can't go out at all after 5/8, until high school is over -- then they could never do scouts, clubs, dance lessons or sports or music lessons or--many things that are safe and innocent activities. Please think about what you're denying them with an arbitrary rule like 5 p.m. weeknights and 8 p.m. weekends. That is one thing you can fix right now for all your kids.

Like most others, I feel very badly for your daughter. You have gone overboard on the strict rules. Your kids will never learn how to navigate through life as an adult unless you let them have some control. Your daughter sounds like a saint for putting up with this for so long.

You might want to consider therapy for yourself to deal with the issues surrounding your oldest. You need to learn how to trust.
----

Reading through the responses, I have to second WildWoman's in virtually every way.

I deleted my response. I was being way too nice. I agree with everyone below.

My parents were super, super strict AND I was allowed to stay out til 10pm on weekends (just Fri & Sat). We have cell phones now so you can
feel a little better about her safety.

My parents never let me spend the night at other ppl's houses (only once)
and looking back....I'm fine with that one.

Random drug testing? No, infringement. Give them the freedom to make
choices then go from there. I am sure you've done your best to teach
them well. Now you need to let go of the reins a little & let them soar
(that's where the phrase came from). It's a difficult/hard thing to do but a
necessary one for growth & independence.

You want to send her off into the world w/some tools to fend for herself.
You don't want to shelter her completetly to the point of not being able to
be independent AND fend for herself.

Teach her!
Be her guide.
Show her the ropes.

If you don't want to do sleepovers, fine but let her do some other things.

The trip to Portland? Could you ask one of the other moms if you could go too? Or how about you driving up there w/your daughter @ the same time & going w/all of the other moms/kids to look at schools? This way she gets to enjoy the experience w/her friends but you're along to ensure her safety AND check out the schools.

While I understand the sheltering (I watch the news every day), there's
some blind faith in letting go of the reins, teaching safety & responsibility.
Have her take a self defense class.
Teach her how to safely drive in the rain.
Make sure she has a cell phone.
Teach her to always carry some cash in case of emergency.
Have road side assistance on her car.
In other words, arm her w/the "tools" for independence AND safety!

Teach her how to save money, have a savings/checking account, how to balance them, invest in stocks etc. = more tools.

Teach her how to be aware of her surroundings. Get her one of those whistle alarms that are attached to her key ring.

I will bet you she DOES try to follow your rules. Thing of it this way....in all walks of life, rules have some wiggle room. That is in place so they actually are kept. What do I mean? Ever been pulled over by a police only not to be given a ticket because he's letting you off w/a warning? That's what I mean! Best of luck & ease up a little so you're a parent and not a warden. (Said from a good place as a parent!)

While I don't agree with the accusation that you are being emotionally abusive, I do think you are struggling with parenting at the moment. I understand how your first child has taught you to be very anxious with your other children, because as you stated, he was sneaking out, something out of your control and probably well beyond the rules you had laid out for him. You obviously love your children and are concerned with their safety, but there needs to be some reassessments done so that your children can thrive socially but within a normal range for their age. I highly recommend counseling and/or family counseling, not because you are a bad person or bad parent (you're not) but to help sort out everything that happened with your oldest son, so you can have some peace with your future decisions as a parent. Your son's behaviors are not only having an effect on your children but on your confidence as a parent. I think if you are able to see that you did the best you could as a parent, and that sometimes children make bad decisions even when they have good parents, you will be able to have more confidence in giving your younger children a bit more trust and freedom. Good luck to you momma <3

ETA: I think the week long Portland trip is too much for you as a family right now. This trip is not the most important thing to focus on, as there will be other opportunities in the future. Look at the big picture, and try to set some goals for allowing your daughter to have more time with her friends in the near future so she can strengthen those bonds and grow as an individual. Let her have more time away from the home, but also try opening up your own home on a daily basis to allow yourself to get to know your children's friends.

I'm sorry you went through so much with your son. But I think it's unfair to continue to punish your other children for his mistakes. Your daughter has shown that she is trustworthy and responsible by continuing to follow your very strict rules and by addressing her desires and asking for change rather than taking it into her own hands and rebelling. Please consider modifying your rules. What about changing her weekday curfew to 8pm and 9pm on weekends? Might seem still too strict to a lot of people but it's a start. I suspect if you start out with lax rules you will feel too overwhelmed. I will disagree with everyone here when I say that I don't think you necessarily have to let her go on the trip. But I do like some of the suggestions about you going with, if you are able to do that. That would be a good compromise.

Although your daughter has been good about following your rules, you do run the risk of your younger 2 rebelling with such a tight leash. I'm not in the camp of giving kids a free for all because they will rebell if you don't. But I do think they should be allowed the opportunity to earn your trust and earn priveleges by being trustworthy. You are showing them that no matter how good they are, you will never trust them to make good choices. That's not fair to them or good for their development. Allow them a chance to be kids. And when they make mistakes (they are human and even good kids DO make mistakes), make sure the punishment is equal to the crime. And please, only punish the kid who broke the rules. Don't make everyone suffer.

I feel for you and hope you and your husband can find a balance with your kids that everyone can live with. You all deserve a chance.