I Don't Think I Have a Right to Feel Overwhelmed.... but I Do!

Hi Henry's mom-

I am RIGHT with dawn on this...USE this when you go back to work as a way to empathize with people you are working with...and are probably struggling MORE on so many levels!

I think a routine is key...and a new one will evolve with a new baby and working outside the home as well...it will...PROMISE!

Take a deep breath...enjoy henry...and a plan will emerge!!

Best luck!
michele/cat

I feel the same way, all the time. Then I feel guilty because there are people with actual problems. I think it's completely normal for you to feel this way. I don't have any advise because I am struggling with this myself. Just know you're not alone.

Normal.

Sometimes I feel the lack of a "real" schedule and the flexibility that comes with being at home breeds discontent.

Some people just "do" better with a more rigorous schedule. I'm like that.

You are in what can most optimistically be called "maintenance years." When you have small kids (even 1) and/or are pregnant, it really is as taxing as it feels. You are hands-on, all day, every day. I think that being a SAHM to small children is the hardest job in the world and, save for short bouts of maternity leave, one that I have never done.

Have you ever heard the phrase "1 is 1 and 2 is 10"? It describes having more than one child, from pregnancy on. The jump from 1 to 2 is much harder, in many ways, than none to 1 and definitely easier than 2 to 3 or 3 to 4. We have several friends who have had their second child in the past couple of years and baby #2 has been what's kicked their butts. Now they don't have perfect lawns, don't go the gym everyday, don't have company-ready houses, don't have clean cars, don't finish home improvement projects or have time for elaborate decorating and landscaping.

And that's OK - as they get older, you definitely get your groove back, but not until your youngest is around age 4. There will come a day when you realize that you slept all night and it wasn't a fluke - or that you SLEPT IN and the kids are playing or watching a little TV and eating dry cereal in the wee hours of the morning. That you haven't wiped anyone's butt or spoon fed anyone in a while. That the diaper bag is retired, the crib is gone, the baby car seat is gone, and your house no longer looks like a pre-school. That people are actually chilling out and occupying themselves, things are quiet, and you can go for a jog without logistics worthy of responding to a natural disaster.

Those days will come again...but until then, know that you come by your state of being tired and overwhelmed honestly and that it won't last forever. You're just barely out of the dreaded first trimester (when I recall being a non-functioning zombie I was so tired) and things will get easier as you get to the middle of your pregnancy and you may feel more like yourself. Do lower your expectations, though, and embrace that yes, it really is exhausting as it seems and cut yourself some slack!

You have the right to feel any way that you feel. Accept how you feel and that will end some of the guilty feelings. It is OK to feel overwhelmed.

That said, you can have control over how you feel. Try positive affirmations instead of dwelling on the negative. Say I'm a good mother instead of I wonder if I'm a good parent. It's surprising how much how we feel is affected by the message we give ourselves. Know that when your heart is in the right place and you're willing to read up on ways to parent your children will turn out just fine. Not perfect.

I wonder if you feel that you should be able to do things perfectly since you're a stay at home mom. Often my anxiety is caused, when I stop to analyze it, because I'm reaching for some unknown perfection out there.

Perhaps being a stay at home mother is not the role for you. Could you try working part time and see if that gives you some relief?

Sounds like a typical Mom to me! I have two kids and work full time and constantly feel the same way. I always struggle to keep all of the balls in the air. We always wonder if we are doing our best with our children...that is just Mom nature.

There are times that the dogs looking at me just pisses me off. Someone ALWAYS wants something from me. Some days I can just pull my hair out. You need to understand that you WILL be overwhelmed when baby number 2 comes....no way around it. All moms are overwhelmed with a new baby. This too shall pass. Once you start getting a routine down to your day, it DOES start getting easier. Good luck.

I think there are several things at play here:
you're a mom
you're pregnant
you stay home after having worked your whole life.
I understand.
I had a very hard time transitioning. It took me a yr & 1/2 but I finally did
get there and I love it now!
Every-body is different. Every person feels differently. You may not enjoy
staying home and that's fine. Only you know the true answer to that.
Being pregnant changes your emotional level.
If you feel you need/want to go back to work, you'll find that out.
I say give it time..after the your 2nd is born & awhile afterwards once your
hormones have leveled off. That way you know you are dealing w/your
true feelings & not a hormonal reaction.
Hang in there a bit.
Your true feelings/destiny/answers will become clear.
In the meantime, try not to worry abt all this now before the baby comes.
Wait it out.
Instead, take care of yourself, rest, relax, try to stop thinking about it for
a bit. This will give you a break & make you enjoy your life as it is.
Best wishes honey! :)

Wow, J.B. said a lot. And said it well.

I was a lot like you at that point in my life. I even started worrying that something would be "wrong" with our 2nd baby, because everything else in our lives seemed so wonderful, and SURELY I would have something happen to "balance" things. I felt guilty for complaining about ANYthing, because so many people are/were worse off than we were and had "real" problems.
The reality is that being a SAHM to small kids is very hard work. It is exhausting work. And no matter what you do or how well you do it, you will always wonder if you are doing THE best job, and how your "little mistakes" could inalterably affect your kids later in life. EVERYthing you do can be stressful, because SO MUCH is riding on it. Even if all you are doing is making your kiddo a sandwich.... I mean... did you cut the edges off? SHOULD you cut the edges off? Should you be making your own bread from yeast and flour? Should you even be eating flour? Do you see how it just goes on and on and on from the simplest things? And your little 20 month old is not going to stand up and cheer for you and tell you what a great job you are doing. It just isn't going to happen. And that makes it even harder to accept that you won't know for another 20 years if what you are doing now was the right thing. :/
Been there.
BUT, somehow.. after the second one comes along, you start to muddle through somehow. And you still feel overwhelmed, and guilty for feeling overwhelmed, since you aren't out saving lives all day, after all. Right? But what you are doing is oh so important and worth every bit of the stress and worry. Eventually, you will realize you did good. :) And J.B.'s post almost had me welling up with tears, because while I realized my kids are so independent these days in many ways, it hadn't dawned on me (just like she says) that the crib has gone away, the toy factory explosion/yard sale has been cleaned up, the car no longer transports carseats nor boosters, and if we have a young niece or nephew or friend's grand child drop by, we have almost NOTHING that would work for "healthy" entertainment for them, barring pulling out the trusty play-doh.
I can finally leave a wine glass setting on my desk and walk away without fear of the possibilities. I can leave pens out. And a dropped penny doesn't HAVE to be located and picked up immediately. I no longer worry about what may get flushed down the toilet. And I can actually go for a bike ride or go running alone (when my kids are home). I can finally have a dinner out with my husband without having to pay for a sitter, and we can go to family movies (like WarHorse the day after Christmas!) that aren't cartoons/animated.
I pressure washed the pool screen and deck yesterday. And the rocking chairs from the porch. What were my kids doing at the time? I honestly don't know. :)) Probably playing PS3. LOL But, I am finding time for projects and hobbies again... things that for years I struggled to get done and it was so hard to know they needed to get done, or I just wanted them done, and couldn't work it out without a tremendous amount of planning. (Painting rooms in one hour time slots, staining furniture, planting flower bulbs --- during baby naps--UGH).

Hang in there and let some of it go. You are NOT alone. You are NOT the only one who feels overwhelmed. I remember thinking every one else had it SO together! But you know what? It really didn't matter. What mattered was that my kids were clean, fed, healthy and my marriage was taken care of too. The rest--pshawwww-- it gets done when it gets done. :)

And despite logic, it really does end up easier in a lot of ways, when you have two. They can entertain each other. Really. (they can bicker too, but there are always trade-offs, lol).

Going from 1 to 2 is a hard transition b/c you realize that you are creeping up on a time when 2 little people who need you, will need you at the same time. And trust me, it's like they synchronize it! You'll learn that sometimes one can wait, and you'll learn how to nurse a baby and lift another onto the potty at the same time. Before you know it, taking care of 2 babies, which seemed overwhelming at first, is second nature. It's normal!

Breathe... Everyone feels overwhelmed at many points in their parenting life. When they are teens and all you do is drive them from point A to point B, it's a different kind of overwhelmed feeling.
You can't worry about parenting correctly -- you do what you believe is best -- nothing more, nothing less. As your children get older, you'll have time and energy for other things. Until then, just worry about getting through the day. I used to feel that if my kids were fed 3 meals and were clean when I put them to bed, I had succeeded. Some days the house looked like a bomb had gone off. Other times the laundry was piled high. As long as my kids were safe and happy, that's all that mattered.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Enjoy them while they are little -- they grow up WAY too fast.
LBC

You have to embrace it, and you have to realize it's temporary. Like you, I tell myself daily, how blessed I am. So even though my husband travels most of the time, and I'm home ALL the time with three kids ALONE 24/7 and NO sitter budget or ANY family anywhere near us, I feel good. It's a conscious choice. I love my kids. I chose to leave my job. I know kids are difficult. That's just how they are. It's easy to say, harder to do, but that's what you have to do. Some days the house is a wreck and I fall way behind, but my kids are loved and happy and we have a blast. I know I'll miss these days when I go back to work. Oh, and priority number one: Discipline. If the kids weren't so well behaved, I'd be insane, and believe me they're still spirited. I have to take them with me on EVERY errand, so it's essential that I can manage them. Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. When number one is a roaring almost three year old, and you've got an infant, you'll be GLAD to be in control! Also, most of my relatives have way more kids than me so that helps me feel like I'm on easy street :) Oh, and when I have NO patience, and I'm a stress ball, I just don't talk. I let the kids wreck the house and I watch a movie. I refuse to snap and yell, I just check out mentally from time to time.

ROFL....

Honey. The definition of a "Young Family With Small Children" equals overwhelmed and stressed out.

Has for hundreds and hundreds of years.

I'm not sure when or where the idea got started that it WASN'T a huge amount of exhausting and overwhelming work (it's a recent one), but every good parent knows... it's crazy making.

You've done social work so you see how families can get stressed, right? You've seen families who are good families and STILL get overwhelmed, right?

Well, your feelings will help you when you go back to work, because now you know what it is like to feel stressed and overwhelmed, and you have GOOD circumstances. Imagine how easy it is to feel the way you do when the circumstances are poor.

Look, we are all human. Things are hard when you have little kids. Plus, all those hormones are making it even harder. So get help where you can, and remember this when you go back to work. Sending you strength!

Dawn

I asked a similar question a while back if you want to look at my page. I got a lot of great answers, but strangely enough the one that I think of when I'm right in the middle of meltdowns with my twins is "Just think of those Mom's who had sextuplets!" That usually helps me stop and breathe so I can realize I need to stop obsessing over every little thing and to realize it could be way more chaotic in our house. I totally understand how you feel, hang in there :)

Congrats on baby #2. From what I've heard, one plus is that the kids can sometimes entertain themselves.

I must admit that I couldn't be a SAHM myself. When I have days off from work, I feel that I don't have any "me" time--which is funny to work in order to have "me" time! Reason? I feel overwhelmed when home alone with children for hours at a stretch.

Sit tight nesting for the next arrival, wait for the hormones to pass, and consider your options. There's no rush.

It kind-of sounds like you have no me time. I believe that a person needs to be well rounded to be happy. Meaning they need to have time to be alone with themselves doing things they like. Have time with their partenr without kids and time with the family. You can feel overwhelmed no matter what an easy life you have.

I think that what you are seeing here is that your little one needs the activity of child care or at least a Mothers-Day_Out program. He need to run and play with other kids and be active so he can be enjoyed the rest of the day.

I think so many moms decide that the definition of SAHM means they don't get to have some time alone away from the kids. I see it here all the time. They are so tired and the house is a mess and they just don't know how anyone working can do it...there is no one home all day so the house stays clean, you come home from work, you eat, clean up, play for a while, bathe, and go to bed. The weekends are family time that is planned and wonderful.

I have even seen moms say that moms should not let anyone watch their kids for them because that is...well, to me it seems they are saying that a mom that uses a babysitter or program are not being good moms. That is not the case. The moms that use these programs know the value of going to the OB/GYN without little eyes wondering what that thing is...lol. Or going to the grocery store without a bunch of whiny kids (And Hubby) wanting everything they see.

I am not meant to be a SAHM, not by a long shot. But now that the grand kids are in school it is easier. I work 3 part time jobs and use every penny of my respite vouchers for child care on the breaks so that I can function and be a better parent figure to these kids I have guardianship over.

I don't have a lot of time now...family waiting on me to go run some errands.

However, you are NOT alone...I went from working full time (I started working at 17 and always had a job until staying home with my son...lets say close to 20 years of working). Last 12 or so of those years as a career woman.

It was the toughest transition of my life...the house would be perfect and clean...I would have amazing gourmet meals on the table every night...I mean how tough could it be to take care of one baby??

Oh, my dear goodness...I didn't know what hit me...how could one house and one child be so HARD!!! I managed over 120 teenagers a day when I taught school and one baby was rocking my world...then I got pregnant again...I knew that I was going to be a horrible flop.

It all worked out...I wish I had more time to tell you...but my kids are now seven and four...my baby is starting Kinder in just a few months and i want to cry every time i think about it.

sending you a huge HUG...you are not ALONE!!

Most moms I know felt or feel the same way including me...hang in there. It does get better. Let projects, housework go and realize it's not going to get done.

Like others...it took me 9 months to 1 year before I started to get the groove of staying at home. Get out of the house- kids play in the snow so even if it's very cold you can still go to the park, etc. Think of your day and week as chunks of time - which helped me.I can move things around if things aren't working. In the morning...I clean, do laundry, around 10 I get out of the house by going outside or running an errand or do something fun for kids, back home for lunch, naptime (and rest for me too), then play outside, back in to do coloring/playdo, make dinner, etc.

Also, many times I think "OMG...I'm scarring my children for life over my mistakes as a parent." This is my most important job ever... But...remember to love and laugh with your child and the rest will come.

We live in a society in which strength, independence, and capability are the ideal. If you can’t do it all, does that make you weak? Should you be judged if you ask for help? Below, we will discuss what is truly ideal and healthy for families.

Let us acknowledge the following facts. No one is perfect. Everyone has limitations. No one can do it all.
It is a matter of healthy self-knowledge to know oneself well, what one’s strengths and weaknesses are, etc.
It is natural to celebrate one’s strengths.
It is a matter of healthy self-esteem to be able to acknowledge and seek assistance for one’s limitations.
By working with one’s strengths and working around one’s limitations, the individual and his/her environment are more likely to succeed.
In the case of parenting, the societal expectation that moms “bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan” is daunting. With 24/7 responsibility between the equivalent of two full-time (or full-time-and-then-some) jobs (i.e., work outside the home and work inside the home), moms typically have no decompression or soul-searching time. Time such as this is essential for good mental health, which is in turn essential for good parenting.

Additionally, no one is good at, much less perfect at, everything. Everyone has strengths and weakness. That is what makes us human. Moms who have sufficient self-knowledge to assess accurately their strengths and weaknesses are well poised to parent to their strengths and accommodate for their weaknesses.

If a mom’s strengths include a loving nature, intelligence, and a strong ethical framework, and the mom’s weaknesses include impatience and a difficulty enjoying “non-productive” time, that mom is well advised to place herself in circumstances that play to her strengths and to try to minimize or overcome her weaknesses. It is easy to play to these specific strengths; it is difficult to overcome these specific weaknesses. This is where asking for help can come in. Hiring a nanny through a source such as Nannies4hire.com will help the mom juggle her many responsibilities, and thus minimize her time demands (i.e., her opportunities for impatience). The nanny can additionally provide the children with the fun of “non-productive” time that the children want and need to enjoy.

Children deserve the best we have to offer. We can give our children the best we have, both in terms of what we have ourselves and what other resources we can tap to benefit our children. Our children deserve no less. Asking for help, then, is not a weakness, it is a strength, a sign of self-awareness and self-confidence, and a testimony to the desire of a mom to give her children the best she has to offer.

http://tinyurl.com/4cyqr24

Hello!

I was literally in your exact same situation 2.5 years ago! I was home with a 20-month-old son (bright, active, *spirited*) and 4 months pregnant with the next. My husband has to be amongst the world's best men/fathers/husbands and he brings in a very good salary at an incredibly stable job. Yet I would regularly find my son AND myself on the floor bawling at each other! He would just get SO upset and I would feel SO overwhelmed and guilty that I would end up calling my husband in tears begging him to come help! That left me feeling even MORE guilty and MORE inept at this whole parenting thing, and here I was having another child! I even went so far as to ask my son's pediatrician what was going wrong with him because he was just so needy and moody. How on earth could I get dishes done or dinner made with a child like him?

If someone could have just shown me what my life would look like 6 months from that moment, it would have helped a LOT. Apparently the "terrible twos" start at 18 months most of the time. And while there are a lot of things to love about that age (which I appreciated the second time around with my daughter!), there are a LOT of challenges. You are hitting that really tough age right as your body heads into your 2nd trimester and you and your son are both so busy going through your own body's turmoil that it's really hard for you to understand each other. While you obviously need to play with him and meet his basic needs, my advice would be to just back off the guilt and realize that in a few months, things WILL be okay.

It seems like the second my son turned 2 and got a little sibling a few weeks later, he totally mellowed out. He was done with whatever developmental stage he was going through that caused him to totally freak out 50 times a day and he was absolutely delighted with his new sister! He truly wasn't jealous and having her around and all the things he could do to "help" (get diaper, blanket, pick up her toy for her) made him feel really big and helpful! He totally thrived on it and suddenly the whole mom thing just "clicked" and I realized that it really was going to be okay.

I know that every mom and child are different, but I've seen this same thing happen to several friends as well, so I'm hoping that you can just steer yourself and your son through this time and then come out on the other side intact!

You've received many great answers, an I echo what they say. I was also in the exact position as you a few years ago. (This is my first Christmas/ New Years in seven years where I'm not nursing or pregnant!) I would cry after I had dropped my 20-month-old off at a fantastic drop-in child care for a few hours. As my therapist said, "you're not dropping him off in the middle of the road!" Therapy helped me, if for no reason other than I had an excuse to cry & get it out every 2 weeks. Instead of taking it all out my fantastic husband.

The biggest thing is to NOT beat yourself up about it! You're doing the best that you can. And, I now have 3 kids, ages 6, 4 & 22 months. It is so much easier than when you're in the thick of it with just one. So, don't think that it's harder with more kids. You can do it.

I also went on Zoloft when my youngest was 6 months old, even though I was still nursing. I've since changed medications (because Zoloft increases your appetite & I do not need to be eating more), but a low-level anti-depressant has been key for me in getting over the hump of mild depression & anxiety that I have.

Chin up! Do not underestimate the hormones surging through your body. Congrats on your pregnancy & I hope it goes well.

There's a lot going on in your life, and a lot of changes to get used to. If you're asking do you have a "right" to feel overwhelmed....Of course you do!
I think what's hard about being a SAHM is never finishing work and hormones could be out of whack. When you say you are taking care of yourself by having dinner with friends once in a while, I wonder if you are doing enough. Can you find time for yourself Every day? Exercise, eat healthy, read a book, go out alone to buy yourself a new ___, after DH comes home, get your hair done, something every day. It isnt how much we have to handle, it's how we handle it, and how we take care of ourselves. Think of things that are fun for both you and your child and try to do one of those things everyday as well, take a walk, go to the zoo, color but make it something you actually enjoy doing with your son. This time will fly by and you will look back on it longingly although that is hard to believe right now!

It is amazing what preggo hormones can do to you! I am a SAHM to an awesome 2 year old and I am due tomorrow with #2. It seems we have a similar home situation, but I, too, feel completely overwhelmed sometimes. It is normal. Occasionally I pitch a little fit and take a mommy time out. (nap, play date with my best friend who is the mom of my son's best friend, grocery shopping ALL BY MYSELF, some high calorie but immensly satisfying snack while my son naps, take out dinner eaten after my son is in bed, my mom taking my son overnight, etc.) You just need to recharge your batteries. Being responsible for another human life is not something to sneeze at. It is an incredibly tough yet rewarding job:) I think it's the best n the world, but being preggo makes everything a little harder to deal with.
Right now I am going to put on pbs for my little one while I half doze on the couch and blissfully neglect my floors :)

Trust me -- one little boy can be VERY overwhelming! It DOES get better though-- I LOVED having a little baby. I LIKE having an almost 4 year old. I look ahead to the school years. I am TRYING to forget the toddler part though!

Are you really here in Des Moines? There's an AWESOME attachment parenting group here. I don't get to many of the meetings but they have an email list and most of the mom's are on Facebook too... the email list is at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/APICentralIowa/

It is simple. You are pregnant. You will rise to the occasion when necessary. I think you miss working and are torn. I watch my two grandsons. Soon there will be another. I watch them three days a week.
The two weeks before Christmas I had them all week for two weeks. Now
keep in mind I raised four kids. All one year apart. 3, 2, 1 yo and newborn.
I was like how am I going to get ready for Christmas with the kids 3 1/2 yo
and 18 months? When all was said and done I realized that having them
kept me more organized. I did things when I could and on Christmas Eve
morning I had nothing to do. I would pack them up at 8AM and go out
shopping and return at 4. They were good. Of course, did not get as much
done so it took a few of these outings but I did get it done. I leave my husband home because he eggs them on!!!! So as I said 35 years ago,
necessity, necessitates. Yes you will be overwhelmed at times, but you will
do it. Remember you are pregnant and everything is magnified.

What struck me about your post is you sound like you could really use some decent sleep. An active toddler and you're pregnant!? Some things I did to survive when I was in your shoes (also with no family support nearby):
-I made a point of getting out every morning and "running" my son (park, trampoline class, tricycle in the basement or garage when it rained) followed by lunch and some good books together - which set up up for a good daily nap together
-for the days you're too exhausted to "get out and about" I bought a sandbox for our deck, which he loved, and I could sit and half participate/half doze in a chair beside him (we had coats on and a sun umbrella up in the bad weather - like I said, he *loved* it ...throw some little dinosaurs in there and let him dig them up)
-Saturday mornings were my 'sleep in' mornings - my husband took our son to a park or grocery shopping or some other adventure - we all loved those mornings!

Hang in there - it does get better!

I think you are just pregnant, and your hormones are taking over!! I also wanted to say to you, that not every mom needs to be a SAHM. If you are a little depressed, thinking that this is all your life has to offer, and feeling guilty because you feel this way, talk to your husband. Maybe going back to work would be a wonderful thing for you. If your son was in daycare he would have the day to day interactions with other kids too, to help him with his "spirited" behavior. Don't feel guilty. Just make a plan, and make it work for you. And don't let anyone make you feel bad about it either, the choice is between you and your husband!! Good luck to you.