Hi,
I'm going to cry out loud to you all and pray for a good advice and support. My brother is very intelligent and smart young man of 30 y/o. He successfully graduated the law school and currently works for a pretty big law firm. Now the bad part.. He is big time lucking social skills and understanding that he sometimes can be also wrong. He thinks that everyone around him is being mean, rude, and disrespectful to him. When people (family and strangers) talk to him they feel that he is very alert, uptight, stressed, he can't loosen up, his whole body language is not welcoming the conversation. He was never successful with girls and to my knowledge never had a girlfriend! His few dates were unsuccessful. He tried the internet dating but after a few conversations the girls were stopping communicating with him. Now he doesn't even want to try saying that he is cursed and why waste time just to be 'dumped" and rejected again when he know it's not going to work (because of the girls fault, not HIS). He is extremely sensitive to criticism, not flexible and what's funny still picky about the girls. The worst thing that he doesn't listen, never agrees, he is stuck on his understanding of how the world should function which is not the reality; he thinks that he is always right and why does HE need to change to please people, if they don't like him they should change, not him. In the past I saw couple of short and innocent replies to him from the girls on the internet. He interpreted them as "not interested" without any reason and just never emailed them back. He said that I just don't understand the slang. Thinking that he might be right I showed the notes to my co-worker who completely agreed with me.
He works literally 24x7 only because he is afraid to lose his job. He doesn't like it and doesn't like people working with him because they think he's strange. He doesn't have time or desire to see a physiatrist or look for another job.
The bottom line is that my brother is completely miserable, exhausted, depressed, mad at his whole life and doesn't want to talk to anyone (me, our mom..or shrink) anymore because he thinks that we don't understand him and always take the side of another person when we give him an advice objectively. All he does is work, sleep a few hours a day, and play on computer when he has breaks just to destruct himself from the unpleasant thoughts. When we say that he maybe need to quite his job and re-think what he likes to do he again doesn't want to listen.
When he was in his late teens he was prescribed Paxil, then in his late 2o-s he was able, after several years of going thru hell, get off Paxil and now he is on Lexapro. He did see a physiatrist a few years ago.
He doesn't feel like anybody or anything can help him but will only make his life worse. At the same time he is an adult and we cannot make him change things if he doesn't believe in it.
This is it. Sorry for the long vent, I have tons of emotions and it's so hard to put them on the peace of paper!
I guess he's going to live a lonely life until he hits rock bottom! What else can you do? That's the life he has chosen.
Dear I.,
Greetings!!!
I truly understand how you are feeling, and I really applaud you for wanting to help your brother and for caring so much about him. Have you ever thought about researching alternative natural and homeopathic remedies for him instead of the meds? I definitely know from experience that psych meds (such as Paxil and Lexapro) do more harm than good and that, in fact, there are many natural solutions that can actually help with what your brother is going through! Your brother definitely does not need to see a psychiatrist or psychologist!
I highly recommend contacting Dr. Anita Pepi who is truly an amazing Chiropractor and Nutritionist and would definitely be able to help your brother naturally.
Here's her data:
2950 Los Feliz Blvd. Suite 101
Los Angeles, CA 90039
(323) 666~1088
http://www.drpepi.com
I'd also recommend checking out 3 organizations validating why going the natural route is best for your brother:
http://ablechild.org/
http://www.cchr.org/
http://www.labelmesane.com/
You'll also find some amazing data regarding alternatives at: http://www.cchr.org/solutions_and_alternatives/
Hope this helps, I.! Please free to call me anytime: (323) 906~2784.
L. (Mama to 32 week old Dylan Orion) : )))
Hi I.:
I understand, you and your mother being very concerned about your brother,but truely, A man of his age,and profession,isn't likely to listen to anyone.You say he has no social skills. I think you are wrong about that.He is an intelligent man,with a degree in law,and working with a big law firm.He couldn't hang onto a job like that, if he had no social skills. He may lack in public relations.Meaning that he has problems communicating or treating other individuals with the same respect he insists on.It sounds like your brother,is suffering from delusions of grandeur. He honestly believes himself to be perfect,therefore, he finds all those around him agravating,refusing to bring themselves up to his level.Your brother,has a problem facing reality,which is, that we all are unique in our own way.He is searching for perfection,and there are (NO PERFECT)human beings.Each and every one of us have flaws.What he has failed to grasp, is, that to be happy, you must learn to not only love yourself, but have the compassion and understanding in your heart to except others misgivings,and love them for who they are. Until he is able to learn to except this,He will continue to fail in relationships,and friendships,and I'm quite sure, that it will have an ill-effect on his professional career.Personally I believe your brother would benifit from taking a class in (Public relations)Its very possible, He could learn How to correctly communicate with others,and live A happier more productive life.Try not to let his attitude,disrupt your life. He is after all A grown man. He has choose his path. It may not be the one you would have liked for him, none the less He choose it.The very best to you all.
As I am reading your post, I am seeing my husband minus the depression. He is always right and has no compassion or understanding of the people around him. If I talk emotion and feelings to him, he takes offense as if I am blaming him. He doesn't quite get that the world isn't all about him because he is all about himself. I've been in therapy and I know I have my problems but my therapist has brought up the possibility of Asperger's with my husband. They are typically highly intelligent but lack some sort of social understanding as well as other things. If this is the case with your brother, medication isn't going to do anything but make him less caring of the world around him. The first thing is him understanding that he has issues and the next step is finding a good therapist who practices CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). He would have to be completely open to having someone help him to see how things really are and that's tough at his age. I recall a conversation I had with my husband a few weeks ago where he said "there maybe something fundamentally wrong with me so maybe we shouldn't be together" and when I asked him "well if you think there might be something fundamentally wrong with you, why wouldn't you be willing to change that to make things work?" to which he replied "I am happy with myself". It's like talking to a wall.
All I can tell you is that I understand. Beyond that, hopefully someday he will get proper help for himself or end up with a woman who loves him enough to try to understand him and embrace his qualities. Best wishes to you and your family.
I.,
See if he would like to talk to someone who feels the same way as he does?. I do, it sounds to me like he just knows exactly what he wants, but doesn't feel that it exists, it does. If he would like to talk write me back and I will give you my personal email address and phone number.
All the best and don't worry you are not here to fix anyone, you are a very nice sister who cares a great deal and that is a great quality but don't beat yourself up over it.
all the best,
Deb
My husband sort of falls into that category, but he was never that rigid. We have been married 13 years and he has changed a lot! The most important thing to him was that I came alongside him and never questioned him. What worked for us was my ability to love him so much for what he could offer and his ability to find a mentor who was and is very patient with him. I have been praying for my husband for many years and God has touched his heart and opened him up a lot, but he is still intimidating, sensitive to critisism and considers himself to be the correct one (most of the time he is). Most other people are wrong and out to get him still, but he is coming around. I don't think medicine is going to help, besides holding him up in prayer for healing, hold him up in prayer that he will find a mentor that will come along side him and be there for him. When you see him (this worked for me) find something good about him to talk about. When discussing 'other people' try to keep the conversation extremely logical. There is not a lot of emotional room in his brain, he can't see the other side. I explain things to my husband as best I can, and sometimes the light goes on. Remember that he knows what you have said to him before and if you repeat it he may feel nagged. Since he is always right, you will end up the wrong one. Most important of all, he may never change. He may grow old alone and mean, but if you love him anyway and don't ask much of him at least you will always have him as your brother. I will be on praying for him and for you.
It sounds as though your brother has a personality disorder. He is a grown man and it is out of your control. It's difficult to see someone you care for in pain, but you cannot take responsibility/ownership for how your brother lives his life. I have a brother that is also an attorney. He lives in a po-dunk town he hates, is 100 pounds overweight, (which paralyzed him for two days last week with back pain)- and is married to a barren cow. He won't move or change anything in his life because he has "connections" he needs in that town. What can anyone do? It's sad. Their view of life is totally myopic. Live your life.
He should be evaluated. It almost sounds like he has Aspergers.
Hi I.,
It is difficult to see a family member go through this and its even more difficult if that family member does nothing to better his situation. Clearly, your brother has had past mental health issues (depression/anxiety etc.) enough so to be prescribed medication by a psychiatrist prior to becoming a lawyer. Couple that with his self-imposed work schedule (lack of sleep, overwork) and its a recipe for a disaster. There is a great article this month in the California Bar Journal called: "Depression takes a heavy toll on lawyers" (you can access it online because its a State of California publication). They pretty much say not to wait until harm is done but to intervene on the front end. They indicate that several studies like a John Hopkins study says that "lawyers suffer the highest rate of depression among 104 professions" and a University of Arizona study of law students found "that they suffer 15 times the anxiety, hostility and depression of the general population". It goes on to talk about how driven attorneys are the last to seek treatment. Please read this article there is very valuable information including what LAP services does to help all attorney's in California (LAP is Lawyer Assistance Program). There are specialist therapists (not psychiatrists) that deal specifically with this profession. As I was reading this article, this part jumped out at me regarding your brother, "There's a bit of all or nothing", "If you don't win, you lose. Most professions don't experience that extreme ... I've never seen such a lonely profession - the inability to connect with other people at a deep level because there's so much of an adverserial relationship. The profession makes it very difficult to build trust." I wish you best of luck and you are a great sister trying to help your 30 year old brother he's too young to be going through this. Note: If your brother does not want to leave the profession perhaps rather than working for a large law firm, he should either try working for a smaller firm or run his own law practice. Large firms require so much from young lawyers its almost soul sucking.
I truely feel for you. I too have a brother who seems unhappy with his life but doesn't seem to want to make changes. As his big sis i have tried to guide him and give him advice and he seems more open to me than our parents. but all i can do and really all you can do is love him. our brothers will find their path, it may take awhile and be bumpy along the way but they'll get there. and we have to remember that our definition of happy is not necessarily their's. maybe at this point in your brother's life he is not ready for a relationship. sounds like his career is his main focus right now. which is fine! and he must have some social skills if he is able to maintain employment and be successful in a law firm. being a lawyer takes a lot of social skills. maybe he is using them all at work and you don't see any of it. and 30 is still young! my husband was 35 when we got married. another source of your brother's appearnt anger and not liking your advice may be he feels like you are intruding on his life. try backing off for awhile and let him do things on his own (you did say he doesn't listen anyway). i tried this with my brother for awhile and after about two months he started calling me for advice! and he listened (for the most part) because it was his idea to seek my help not me bugging him. i know it is hard to watch him struggle but he will figure it out!
Dear I.,
Your brother sounds a lot like my cousin. His intelligence really got in the way of being able to communicate with other people. However, he really loosened up when he started taking pilot lessons and eventually got his license. Once he found something he truly enjoyed he was able to better to relate to others. Encourage your brother to try new things and to get a hobby. Don't worry so much about him finding love, first he needs find himself. Maybe you and your mom could sign him up for some sort of lessons for his birthday or something. BTW my cousin is still really difficult to talk to, but he is now married with two kids.
