I Am So Upset

I am guessing this woman is older and not as well educated on the research that has gone into "parenting methods." I probably would allow her in my daughter's life, but never allow her to watch my daughter again. I would express to her that she should leave the disciplining to you and your husband, no matter how well intentioned she is and leave it at that. And, I repeat, I would never leave my daughter in her care again. Had the same issue with my mom and this essentially resolved it. If she's never alone with my kids, she never has the opportunity to discipline with methods I don't agree with.

Hope this helps.

Dear D.,

I am sorry that you are having this problem both with your daughter and your relative. First, and foremost, it is important to share your views on discipline with your relative and make it clear to her that you will not tolerate her using a switch on your daughter. I, personally, believe in spanking when warranted, but I don't believe that spanking will solve biting behavior.
In most cases, children out grow biting, but in extreme cases they need to learn that biting hurts. A one year old sometimes doesn't understand that certain actions cause pain. There are as many remedies out there as there are people. My daughter started biting when she was about 15 months old when another child took something from her. The babysitter put my daughter's finger in her own mouth and gently moved her lower jaw up until my daughter bit her own finger. She learned that it could hurt and eventually, stopped. I hope you can resolve the biting and that you can resolve the problem with the relative using a method of discipline that you don't approve. Good luck,
B. B

It would be good to have a talk with this woman. Let her give her side of the story first to make sure she did use the switch--you don't want to lead with accusations, especially if they are not true. If she does admit to having used the switch, do tell her that you know she was trying to help, but those methods are no longer acceptable forms of punishment. I would be ready to tell her what methods you are using to try and get the biting to stop.

I feel for you in dealing with people thinking it's OK--even good--to hit your kid. My son once refused to stay in his car seat when we were on a long trip. I was pulled over near a small neighborhood and an old man stopped to check that we were OK. My son was in tears, and I was close to being in tears--we were both so frustrated. The old man told me to get a reed from the woods and show the kid who's boss. Well, the thought of hitting my kid put me over the edge. After he left, I joined my son in crying. It turned out we both needed to cry it out. Eventually, my son got back into the car seat, and we made it home.

It's one thing to suggest using the switch on someone else's child, and it's another to actually do it. If your relative did use the switch, it was not right, and the situation does need to be addressed. She may hit your daughter again, or she may hit another child.

Tell this woman how you feel: that she's a good woman, you love her, want her to be in your child's life, but you feel betrayed that she used a method you clearly didn't approve of, that at your house she's to follow your rules when it comes to your child, and if she can't abide by that, then she shouldn't offer to watch the kid (not that you feel comfortable with that right now anyway). And tell her that you don't trust her now. People disagree on how to deal with children, but the girl is your child and it's your call. She has to respect that.

Tell the person that took the switch to your child that in your house its your rules..no switching.What i did when my boys bit me or someone I bit back..enough for them to feel it and hurt but not leave marks.They stopped rather quickly..good luck

I too am upset with you just reading this. The thing that gets me about all this is that she had already suggested "switching" her and you had already told her no. She went behind your back and did it after you have already told her your answer on the subject. She knew your feelings and betrayed you. I know you said that you want her to be in your daughter's life, but like other have said, I would NEVER leave my daugter with her for even 5 minutes alone.

No one should discipline a child but the mom or the dad (or the primary caregiver if no mom or dad exists). If you don't feel comfortable talking wih her about what she did, I would at least make it clear that she will not be alone with your daugter again. Even though she may be a "good" woman, she seems like maybe the type who wouldn't listen to your opinion anyway by what she did. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your daughter!!

If you live in the Ral. area, then I would recommend you call project enlightenment regarding the biting issue. I think you can allow this relative to be a part of your child's life, you just cannot leave her unsupervised. I know many folks that have in-laws with this issue. You need to address your disappointment with them. This can be done in a calm casual way. Tell her that you appreciate her advise, but that it is not how you are going to mother/parent your child. That it upsets you that she did not respect your parenting choices. When all else fails, blame it on your pediatrician. This is always my favorite route, especially with random folks at the grocery store. All you have to say is "Oh, I will have to take that up with my pediatrician." Or "My ped. told us not to do that". What a tough spot to be put in.

Dear D.,

You have every right to be upset. This relative specifically went against your wishes in disciplining your child. What did your husband say about this? I hope this relative isn't his mother. That just adds a whole new dimension to the equation. You need to make it very clear to this relative, with your husband, that she is not allowed to discipline your child in any way. She is overstepping her bounds, it is not her place. You are the parents. I would never, under any circumstances, leave your child alone with this woman - EVER. She has shown a true disregard for your authority as your child's mother. Your daughter's behavior is normal. Yes, you must keep correcting her, but everyone must abide by your decision not to hit her. I would also let this realtive know that she has broken your trust in her and that you do not trust her to be alone with your daughter anymore. let her know that from now on, she will only be allowed supervised visits with your daughter. Your husband needs to "back you up on this" and stand firm. You are the parents, you set the rules for your child. Your daughter is too young to fully understand what is going on and I'd be surprised if she goes anywhere near this relative for awhile. Do not force her to if this happens. Her refusal to have any interaction with this relative may be the very wake-up call that she needs. I wish you the best of luck and hope that your husband supports you. It's very important that you present a united front towards this person. Hang in there! L.

It sounds like this relative is old school. She probably meant well and was thinking that what ever you were doing was obviously not working. You expressed that you informed her of what you would not do to discipline your child for biting, but you never told her what you do to discipline your child when she bites.

You can be upset, but being upset alone is quite unproductive. You must take this as a lesson learned. You must leave specific instruction on how you want you child to be disciplined. I believe that if you leave your child with someone, you must not allow that person to let your child to misbehave and be spoiled. Your child will be happy and want to spend time with that person, but the result will be a difficult child when she returns to you. You must always partner with any caregiver so there will be a streamline consistency on how she is cared for.
My advice would be to do things differently next time, see how it goes, and then make a determination on how to proceed.

Some people who do leave explicit instructions still find that they are ignored. Such blatant disregard is destructive and I advised that person to not leave her child in that relatives care without supervision. Unfortunately it was her mother-in-law. The lady had the audacity to not place the 4 month old in a child seat when traveling.

I would not have switched anyone's one year old nor my own. I think I would have caught my lungs in my throat to come home and find that. I hope your daughter is all right and not bruised in anyway. She is your child and as parents, you are the governing agency. Anyone who cannot comply must be deported.

You sound like a wonderful mother. Feel good about that and do not let anyone tell you different.

Good luck and God Bless,

I know that your daughter is only one but they have to learn early not to bite. My mom used to use a switch on my brother and I we stopped what we were doing instead of being upset with your relative maybe you should thank her for trying to help you because in the long run your child is not going to respect you if you keep letting her do what she wants to do.

How did you find out? Did she tell you? Ask her not to do that again. The one time, own't damage the child. But we never retaliate hurt with hurt. THere used to be a myth that you bit the child back who bites. That doesn't work either. You catch the action, turn the child to you, get on her eye level and say in a firm voice- "No biting hurts! No biting!" This is the standard in child care programs and one that has been researched as the most effective. Hitting leads to hitting to solve problems. ALso an 11-month old can be teething so give suitable hard food (frozen bagel, frozen wash cloth, etc) to bite on. Dr. D.

you MUST say something to her. SHE crossed the line. She knew your opinion on this and she didn't care one bit. You need to stick up for yourself as a parent. She broke your trust. Switches do not teach they scare. I never learned a lesson from being hit by my parents. I always learned from my friends parents who sat me down and verbally made me feel horrible. A 1 year old is still learning and as adults we need to be patient and teach. It will take a while, but in the end your daughter will learn not to bite. Your relative may think hitting her will teach her something, but your daughter will avoid her out of fear not respect.

She should be thankful she isn't related to me. I'd have her head. I love my family, but if anyone does anything to my kids that crosses my line ....God help them.

Good luck and stand up for yourself. Family or not she crossed the line, not you.

Good luck, J.

I don't care if she is a relative or not nor how close of a relative she is, she shouldn't have hit or touched your child without your permission especially if you told her that you do not do that.
Maybe the little girl needed it, maybe she didn't, but the fact remains that you should have been consulted before hand.

I have always heard biting back would teach them a lesson. I have never had a problem with that. You need another child to do it back to her when she does it and then immediately explain to her that is why you don't do things to people that they would not want done to them. It is not nice and it hurts.
But until that happens.... what do you do?
Good luck.

You will just have to have a talk with the aunt and tell her she will have to abide by your disciplne rules. as for the bithing, I would put my little girls arms in their OWN mouth and press their jaws down until they realized that their teeth hurt! only had to do it twice, once with each girl.

I say that you get a switch and you use it on your relative while telling her that she did something that she knew that you were against. I bet she will change her mind about using a switch when she realizes that it is not only painful and humiliating, but that there are better ways to handle someone who steps out line... or in this case way over the line!

I would sit her down and talk to her and tell her that things like that are agaisnt the law and you choose not to punish your child like that. Also explain to her that a one year old is not capable of understanding why she was hit only that it hurt and she's likely to not want to be around the person that hit her. I would also say that if she chooses not to respect your choice in parenting she can not come around your child anymore. I had to have this same discussion with my in-laws whom also believe in hitting as punishment. My mom is a social worker and I was never hit as a child and I told them everything I told you above to say. They respected me on that and my kids get time out. Good Luck I know its hard to confront your family but you have to for your childs sake.

You and your relative have very different parenting styles. I would never leave my child alone with this relative again. Tell your relative that times have changed. Switches leave bruises on children. A one year old child with bruises on the back of their legs could be taken away by the Department of Children's Services and place in foster care. You are the primary caretaker of your child. You would be the first person they would accuse. Talk to your pediatrican about what to do about a child that bites.

Hi D.,
What an awful thing to happen! I guess it depends on your relationship with your relative and how much involvement you want this relative to have in your daughter's life. If she cannot respect your wishes on how to treat your daughter, then I wouldn't let her be around your daughter unless you are there. I would be livid if someone took a switch to my son!!!
Cyndi

I am upset at reading this story. I feel for you. I am not sure if you feel like I do but I would be so furious about that I would be at the courthouse pressing charges against this so-called relative. I cannot believe she would hit your child!!! I would also never let her in my house or around my child again. Your sweet little daughter will grow out of her biting stage; just about every child bites at some point.

Keep this crazy woman away from your baby. I still cannot believe she hit an 11 month old with a stick. How barbaric.

Oh my gosh! That is not acceptable! I would be very upset if someone spanked or switched my son. There are many better ways to discipline, including a time out on a naughty step or in the corner, and a one-year-old is too young to discipline. I wouldn't leave your daughter with her again. I'm sorry this happened.

Hi D.
You have every right to be upset. That is so terrible that this person that you trusted and are/were friends with hit your daughter after you said that switching is not how you were going to discipline. Your daughter may also be uncomfortable around her as she may feel this person would hurt her again, plus lose your trust. I'm not really sure how to offer advice about the biting, but I would definitely talk with this person and tell her what you've told us. If she is such a good woman then hopefully she will respect you.
Good luck, P.

Kudos to you for not "switching" your child.  Any form of physical punishment does not teach the child right from wrong or why something is wrong - it only teaches the child fear.  In addition, hitting a child with an instrument is ABUSE.  As far as how to handle the said family member, you should tell her that you want her in your child's life, but your child will not want to be with her if she "switches" her.  Also mention that you are disappointed that she broke your trust and you will not be leaving your child with her again.  If she has a problem with that than oh well.  This is YOUR child, and anyone caring for her should respect YOUR wishes, even if it is a grandparent who claims more experience.  I am so sorry your baby was put through this.  By the way I read a response about putting her on the naughty seat for five minutes.  I have a degree in a child care related field and 20 years experience + my own child and can tell you that ONE minute for each year of age is all that you should expect a child to sit in TIME AWAY.  After that it loses its impact.  For a child under 18 months she probably will not remember what she did wrong for any longer than a few seconds anyway.In my 10 + years experience working with toddlers and two year olds I have found that it is more effective to try to teach empathy and to use words.  For example "Biting HURTS!  Look at the mark your teeth left.  That hurt!  Let's help wash it off and put some ice on it.  Biting HURTS."  Give more attention to the bitee (if other than yourself) than the biter also.  Most kids bite out of frustration.  It takes a lot of effort, but the first time you hear her say "Stop, I use that!" instead of biting, it will be worth it.

D.,

No one, not even a relative, has the right to hit your child. Did you make it plain to her when you were talking about this problem that you didn't approve of her method of switching? If you want her in your daughters life you will have to make it plain to her that if she watches your child, it will be with your method of punishment, not hers. I definitely don't beleive in switching. I grew up with that only I was able to run away from my mother. However, instead of the switch since she couldn't reach us, she used a broom because it had a longer reach.

You need to sit this realative down and talk to her about your treatment of your daughter. Please do not take offense at this but it sounds like she might be a little overbearing. You will have to stand up to her. You will find the strength. It is for your daughters good, and yours.

My suggestion on getting your daughter to stop biting is when she does this, you have to take hold of her hand and chin and make it clear to her that biting is wrong. Say no very strongly, shake your head and make a biting motion with your mouth and teeth. Make sure that you use your firm voice and a firm look to your eyes. My daughter is 7, when she does something wrong now, all I have to do is stare her down. I went through the biting, hitting, tantrums etc. Now when she acts up I just call her name in a very firm voice and give her the 'look'. My step daugthers, even though they are in their 30's, are still afraid of what they call the evil look. It is effective, I do not have to hit and I rarely have to repeat myself. In fact I have 5 grandchildren that know that look also. My step daughters also learned that look.

I wish you luck with your relative, make sure she understands that you don't approve of her methods.

E.

This is hard. I'd hold my tongue for awhile, til I calmed down. Then I'd tell the relative that you're upset and although you want her in your daughter's life, knowing that she went so against your wishes makes it hard for you to trust her. And don't let her keep your daughter until she's out of the biting stage, but then give her another chance. Wait until your daughter can talk well enough to report anything done outside your usual. Good luck!

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT MY AUNT WENT THRU WITH MY MOTHER AND HER OLDEST DAUGHTER.MY MOTHER HAD BEEN WATCHING MY COUSIN FOR MY AUNT. MY COUSIN WAS A BITTER UNTIL ONE DAY WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 2, SHE BIT MY MOTHER SO HARD IT DREW BLOOD. MY MOTHER INTURN BIT HER BACK(OF COURSE NOT AS HARD BUT ENOUGH SHE FOUND OUT WHAT IT FELT LIKE)EVEN THO IT WAS A HUGE FIGHT BETWEEN MY MOTHER AND AUNT, MY COUSIN NEVER BIT ANOTHER PERSON. i DON'T PERSONALLY AGREE WITH WHAT MY MOTHER DID , BUT IT TOUGHT HER NOT TO DO IT. IF THE CHILD WILL NOT BE LEFT WITH THIS RELATIVE AGAIN , I WOULD NOT SAY ANYTHING .IF THE WOMEN IS A CONSTANT IN THE CHILDS LIFE YOU MAY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SIT HER DOWN AND JUST LET HER KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR OWN WAY OF TEACHING YOUR CHILD AND IT DOES NOT INCLUDE HITTING OR SWITCHING.IF SHE TRULY LOVES YOUR CHILD SHE WILL BE ABLE TO RESPECT YOUR RULES.EVERYONE HAS THERE OWN WAY OF DOING THINGS AND OTHERS WHO ARE NOT PART OF RAISING THE CHILD HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING YOU DO NOT APPROVE OF.

I am sorry, but I do not see what the big deal is. Growing up all kids in our family got spanked, switched, got a belt when we needed. Everyone grew up to be just fine( doctors ,lawers, businessman,teachers, moms,dads, christians) Your daughter is not going to be scared for life.If you do not approve it just don't let her watch your kid.

I'm so sorry that this has happened but from what i'm gathering this is probably a older person that was raised when parents spanked there children.any going from a bible standpoint it says to spare the rod is to spoil the child may be not exact wording.Yet if you look at things from this viewpoint and look at the change in over the years the crime rate and disapline of children I think you can see when parents corrected there children there was less crime becouse they knew it was not tolorated and they were tought values and exeptible behavier.now children push to the limit becouse they know they can and will get away with it.30 years ago parents put up with so much then brought out the belt and you knew what you did and what you were getting hit for and then were told that you were corrected becouse they love you and were trying to raise you right.there were parents with a short fuse that beat there children but there are more old timers that would tell you they never got a spanking they didnt deserve and most didnt have many because they knew what was acceptable.not to lecture or say that your not right that knowing how you felt she shouldnt have took it in her own hands and done that anyway, but I would approche her and tell her that you are upset and you'd like her to be a part of your childs life, but you do things differently and expect her not to go against your way of traing your child or she cannot be part of there life.some times you just have to be upfront and honest and people eather accept it or you live your life and they are not part of it.I hope this helps you and may be you can salvage this relationship.god bless!one questain does you child still bite?or did it teach her a lesson on what is acceptable behavure?

I don't blame you. I would be upset also. First of all i know it is hard to speak up to family members. I am talking from experience. However, you have to remember it is not about you but the child's bests interests. Does she seem scarred by the switching, if not then that is one problem you do not have to deal with. Second, i would talk to this family member and make it clear to her that she is not to discipline your child again without your permission and tell her that you know she has alot of wisdom about child rearing but you need to to rear your child in your own way and when you want advice from her, you will ask for it. This of course can be said very nicely, i know it sounds mean. However, i have found you have to speak up for your child's benefit. I have four boys and i have had influence a lot from my family so i understand what you mean. I hope this helps and i hope you and your little girl is okay. As far as biting, my two year old is doing that, i have been telling him no and i grab his hands and i have him rub whoever he bites on the head and i say love (name of whoever she bites) not bite. Then i rub his hands on herself on his face or head and say love (his name). I have found this is helping my little one and has helped my other three when they went through it. I have found if you use spanking or any form of physical force, you are teaching them it is okay to hit, because at that age they don't understand what they are doing when they bite or hit. Anyway just some advice from a mommy. Hope it helps.