Husband Not Pulling His Own Weight in the Relationship - Fed Up!

Sorry, and some may not like this, but when one parent is the SAHP things are not 50/50. Do you go to his job and do 50% of his work? If you both worked I could see 50/50 and would think that is fair, but you are home all day with the kids, it's going to feel disproportionate. You are there everyday, day in and day out.

If you want something done just ask, it doesn't sound like he objects. It would be great for him to just up and do it, but really is it a big deal that you have to ask?

i'm glad you've got a lot of good advice here, and that you're taking it to heart.
it leaves me free to giggle just a little, and gently, that 'tall' is one of his redeeming factors.
;) khairete
S.

Do you want to be right, or do you just want it done?

I want it done, so I do it, I hire someone to do it, or I wait for it it never get done.

Married more than 30 years to a great husband, amazing father excellent provider. I love him just as he is.. Not perfect, but he is who he is.

I do not have time to keep score, I am too busy living life.

Sounds like you do,what every other mother does who is home. He sounds like a great guy with a few minor flaws, just like mine and every other guy.
You might be nagging too much. That is a sure fire way to make my hubby not do,anything. The less I say the better off I am. We've been married almost 39 years with four kids and eight grandchildren with number nine due any day.

My suggestion is quit keep charts of who did what when. Just get on with life.in the end, things always get done, even if you have to call someone.
I don't know who ever told you marriage is 50/50.

Your are a SAHM, yes? Then the household is your job. He can help, but it's your job. Period. End of story. There is no 50/50 way to have a modern relationship in a traditional role.

I once mentioned to my very modern hubby that friends all have cleaning ladies. He laughed. His response was the right response. The household is my job.

If you want 80/20, then do 20% of his job.

With that said, yes, being a housefrau is a bit mad, especially if you had a career before. What I've learned is that you can either accept your new job or fight it. I've accepted that hubby only takes out the trash--I even mow the lawn, etc.

With that said, I remember I was in a similar place as you when my kids were around the same age. Start a new thread: how to get young children to clean up the mess for you. Seriously, you already have two house cleaners in the house. Learn to use them!!!!!

ETA: my hubby agreed to install a car seat a few months ago. It literally sat in the dinning room until I installed it three weeks later. When I asked him about it, he said he was going to get to it. What I've learned is that my priority list isn't his, nor should it be. Earning money and playing with the kids should come before anything else. So, when he doesn't do things, I just do them and move on. There is a lot of joy and peace in that. I can't imagine the pressure he feels supporting all of us. I don't want that responsibility, and he does it very willingly. For that, I even pick up his dirty cloths he can't be bothered to put in the hamper.

Have a cleaning lady twice a month and hire a lawn guy.

Just do it!!

If he doesn't like the cost them he can pick up the slack. But he will probably like it, and you will like it and presto problem solved.

I really miss my cleaning lady...*sigh*...but she is no longer in our budget. If one is in yours just do it!!

Your husband sounds like mine.
1. Lower your expectations, they are too high.
2. Appreciate more that he's a great dad.
3. This will be SO much easier when the kids are older and can help you with the chores.

I guess I am so thrilled that my husband provides 100% of our income, retirement and is now fully funding two kids' college educations that I wouldn't dream of burdening him with housework and other house/kid related chores.
Seriously.
Maybe you need to go back to work. Staying home is not for everyone. I had three kids in six years and managed to cook, clean, work out, take care of a small garden, work on projects around the house and keep my kids busy, happy and healthy. I'm not saying I am better than you (or that I was perfect) because I could handle it, I'm just saying I could MANAGE it, AND enjoy it, most of the time.
Like I said, it's not for everyone, so don't feel bad if it's not working out.
And maybe he would be willing to pay for a cleaning person once or twice a month. I didn't need one when the kids were little and we were in a three bed/two bath, but now that we are in a huge five bed/four bath I have one, you bet I do!

I know how you feel because I do exactly what you do...except that my husband doesn't do ANY dishes and he is not home a lot because he works so much.
Hire someone to help with the yard maintenance. Up here, in a fancy part of town, it only cost me $100 a month to have someone come out and mow, weed, and trim bushes. Worth every penny.
Hire someone to come out and clean house once a week. Should only be about $50 a week.
If your husband doesn't want to spend the extra money than ask him to step up. If he doesn't at least you have someone to help you with cleaning.
I have just resigned myself to the fact that I am in charge of it all....and guess what? The house is a mess, all the time. I am ok with that. He doesn't complain. He better NOT complain.
L.

I think counseling would be a great start on this one. If he doesn't want to go, go yourself. We have found that, when we are in no-win situations like this, talking to someone else is probably the best things we can do; keeping track, however, is like erecting a monument to criticism and discontent. He feels lousy and you feel lousy and you both feel like the other person isn't 'getting it'. He feels punished and you feel that your reward for being the 'better person' isn't really enough, because it doesn't solve the problem.

My guess? I'll bet he really *wants* to do the things he says he's going to do. He may have really good intentions, but poor follow-through. I have a husband who works on average 45 hours a week and who knocks himself out at work. Do I do more than my 'fair' share around the house? Well, certainly far more than 50/50, but I so value what he does outside the home-- and the fact that carrying the financial burden in itself is stressful-- that I try to make his time at home as easy as possible. I'm human and so sometimes, things do make me a bit irked, but here's the thing:

In a grown-up relationship, we have to put aside the idea of 'fair share'. It's more about 'get what needs to be done, done'. Does it matter if I do all of the dishes for the day, all of the garbage and recycling, all of the meal planning, 90% of the cooking, 100% of the floors, etc? In the big picture, not really. What matters is that I'm getting things done-- (or for some women, arranging for them TO be done)-- and the household is running. That's what his salary is doing-- allowing me to run the house and care for our son.

I would also do this (and we did this with a counselor, too) -- prioritize. Write, on a card, all of the things you both 'really' want done, and then pick the two most important. Make a plan to get those things done. Maybe you will need to do it yourself, maybe he can help you. But keep it simple, don't overwhelm each other , start with two. If that means "each Saturday I need you to get the kids out or on a different floor so I can vacuum" , tell him that. (I had a toddler who would scream and was afraid of the vacuum. We have to think outside the box sometimes.) Ask "Could we afford $100 every three weeks to have someone come in and do the floors?" or ask him about keeping the kids at home while you go shopping for the groceries once a week. Let him know the BEST ways for him to help you-- not with everything, but what is most likely to help you feel less overwhelmed and feel most cared for. Pick and choose. Good luck!

First of all, you have two very little kids. There is no such thing as a constantly clean, organized, well-maintained house with a two and four year old. When my kids were in that age range it was one of the hardest times of my life .

Are you sure you're not projecting some of your frustration with the situation on to him? He sounds like a nice guy to me. Why would he be doing 50/50 (or anything close) around the house when he's at work and you're the full-time parent? I agree that he should help some, but I'm not sure what the percentages should be. Maybe you could focus more energy on how to make his life better?

In the meantime I would hire people to do household maintenance projects. He'd probably prefer that over a crabby wife. I know my husband would.

I would also consider whether he has ADD. I always wonder if I have it. My two main bug-a-boos are LAUNDRY and mundane PAPERWORK! It took me 13 years to get my social security card changed to my married name (ugh). The DMV story sounds like something I would do. :( Luckily my husband doesn't hassle me too much.

Anyway I'd just focus on how to stay positive with him. Stop keeping an account. Love shouldn't do that.

PS: I do think couples therapy would be wonderful, if for no other reason than to help you guys communicate better. You both sound nice and you both deserve to have your reasonable needs met.

In reality? You pretty much resign yourself to it.

It will get easier. Not that he will change but there will be less work when the kids grow up a bit and you settle into a routine and you learn to let things go a bit and he learns what you won't tolerate.

There is a steep transition curve with marriage and kids. Suddenly everybody is thrown into a swirling vortex of responsibilities.
Prioritize.
Let some stuff go.
Get out of the house.
Quit letting the state of your house be representative of your self esteem and send you crying. Been there, done that.

Get into a group of ladies. They will tell you they are all there at this state in marriage. It is one of the toughest times of your life. It's a very hard job you are doing but you are the boss. Give yourself a break and H, too! I would not hire a cleaning lady but I sure would the lawn guys!

Pick your battles. Is your marriage really worth jeopardizing because of a messy lawn? Hire a lawn service.

Also, if your house is messy it is probably because you have too much stuff. Decluttering your house will make it so much easier to manage. Hire someone to help you get your house in order. Once it is decluttered and straightened it is really pretty easy to maintain.

When I need help though I get the vacuum out and tell my husband that there is nothing sexier than a man with a vacuum or a mop or a dish rag. That motivates him then we both have a great night😉

Also, I do not think it is right or healthy to keep score.

You are husband and wife first. You are parents second. You are household chore-keepers after that. You are out of the home employees after that.

Prioritize. Stop keeping a scorecard of all of the fabulous things you're doing up against what he's not doing. I don't think that you actually appreciate what he does do because you're too busy seeing what he doesn't do.

You're not his mother and you shouldn't act like you are. What you should do is sit down with him and renegotiate. You're hanging on to this, "He's not keeping up his end of the bargain!!!!" business as if marriages and the bargains we make in them don't morph and change. I wonder how your attitude towards him might be affecting his willingness to do what needs to be done. I wonder if there's depression involved. I wonder if he may have some ADD/ADHD.

I think your renegotiations should include listening to him and talking with him, rather than taking it as an opportunity to tell him how terrible he is for not keeping up with what you want. And you have to also be willing to hear that you might not be living up to his expectations either.

Your renegotiations should also include marriage counseling. I get the very strong feeling that you both need to learn to reconnect and communicate.

Pay for the cleaning lady!!!!!!!!

You will probably nag him for years and build resentment, and he won't likely change. OR, you can hire a cleaning lady.

IMO, (most) men aren't as capable as (most) females. Period. So as long as you have a great dad on your hands, who also happens to be smart, funny, shares many of your interests, values and beliefs, is fun to spend time with, tall and cute; has a good job that provides a decent income -- consider yourself very lucky.

Save yourself the grief and hire the cleaning lady.

And p.s. -- When my kids were little and I was a SAHM, I did all the work around the house, including bills etc., and didn't expect him to help. I did get a cleaning lady once/month for a couple of years. He did take care of the car stuff.

I especially like Patty K.'s response.

To be honest, I'd go back to work if I were you and hire someone to do the cleaning and the yard work. When he doesn't like it, tell him that he renigned on his promise to you, so you are going to let him pay money to have the house cleaned. Make sure it comes out of the joint account.

Stop asking him to do things that he won't do and hire it out. ONLY when he's feeling the pinch of the finances is he going to get off his butt and do the work. Not until then.

I would NOT pick his clothes up off his floor. If he can't put his own frickin' clothes away, he can wear wrinkled clothes to work. Shame on him.

I vote for couples counseling. When things go so uneven that you are bean-counting in your marriage (lists with initials of how often each of you do certain chores), then something is amiss.

Maybe he really does think you need to do it all since you are home and he isn't, but he doesn't want to say it because he knows it will make you mad. Or he has ADD and just doesn't focus for long (is he like this in other aspects of life?). Or he just really doesn't think things like putting away clothes are important, and so he ignores them (I feel this way about making my bed, I'm just going to mess it up again tonight). Or he just doesn't want to do it and he knows that if he ignores it long enough that you'll do it for him. Or he feels that you don't give him enough credit for what he does do, and has tuned you out because he feels like he's never going to make you happy no matter what. Or he feels that when he does do something, you criticize it for not being good enough, so why even try.

I don't know what he's thinking, these are only a few of the possibilities. And it's obvious from your post that you aren't able to figure it out by discussing it with him at home. So I think couples counseling might help you figure out what he's really thinking. And maybe help him realize that you really are at the end of your rope.

I agree with Patty K. I don't think this is unusual at all. Is it fair? No. But trust me on this, you're not the only wife with this gripe. My husband and I had a similar agreement when I first became at SAHM 8 yrs ago. I do pretty much everything you mentioned, and he takes out the trash every Wednesday night. He occasionally does the dishes on the weekend "to help me out" . I discuss this with my friends regularly, and everyone is in the same boat. I truly think they feel that they are out working all day to support the family, and that we should take care of everything else. What I find ironic though, is when I've left him for a whole Saturday, he can't seem to do anything but keep the kids fed and alive. I'll come home and the place will be a disaster, and he'll be saying how hard it was....

Start hiring help-that will get him moving.

Instead of resigning to the situation, try to relax a little bit. Just hire out what you don't feel like you can handle, like the yard work or cleaning. Don't ask him about it- just do it, esp if you are managing the household money/business. If he wants you to run the day-to-day, then do what gives you piece of mind. I think that hiring out will be cheaper than therapy and will reap more reward for you.
I have to be honest though. I am a FT working mom and I also do most of the things you mentioned. I actually prefer my husband stay hands off on some things- like bills and laundry. Some things I just have to let go of, too. If he doesn't get the yard mowed... well. The world will keep on turning. When you feel overwhelmed, sit down, read a good book, and relax a while. As long as he helps with the kids, he's a keeper.

Any of your suggestions would work. you could resign yourself, you could employ a cleaning lady, you could get couples counseling or individual therapy, for you or him both.

Seems that he isn't motivated to get these tasks done. You want him to take ownership of these jobs. He hasn't.

My husband can be similarly frustrating. He and I are both neat and timely (thankfully), but he isn't motivated to deep clean as often as I am. He just doesn't see things as dirty as often or early as I do. He'll wipe kitchen counters, but never has he taken stuff off the shelves to give the cans a dusting, or the shelves a wipe down. He'll launder the towels and bathmat, but isn't one to wipe mirrors, door handles, or scrub grout (unless they are conspicuously stained).

Mine does about 20% of the cooking, 90% of the laundry, 100% of the ironing, 80% of the dishes, 80% of the trash, 80% of the paperwork & financials, 20% of the planning/ appointments, 1% of the communication with extended family, 10% of minding the calendar/ schedule, 100% of the home repair jobs (albiet slowly (screen door has needed repair for over a year)), and 20% of securing outsourced aid (cleaning ladies, plumbers, cable guy etc). He does 30- 50% of the childcare, but I am alright with that because he allows me a lie in in the mornings, and about once every two weeks or so sends me off to the local curry house to have a glass of wine with the proprietor and takes care of the evening routine alone. We have one child, we both work full time and we live in a co-op apt.

I know there are arenas where I wish he would pull more weight, and I am sure there are arenas where he wishes I would pull more, or be more willing to let go.

I have hope that you will find contentment with your current arrangement, or improved ownership on his part, or outside help.

Best,
F. B.

I whole heartedly agree with Katrina A. The chore chart is childish. I have been married for 15 1/2 years. We both held full time jobs outside the house. When I got pregnant with my first child, we decided that I would stay at home. I was angry at first with how much I felt I had to do. He was no help. Then I just let it go one day after talking with him. I realized he works just as hard as I do. Also, he said he really does not think about stuff that needs to be done, meaning he does not remember. He asked if I could just let him know when he needs to do and he will get it done.

So, instead of nagging and chore charts, maybe you need to take a step back and look at what he does. Sit down, talk and ask how his day went. Maybe his day was hard or stressful. I cannot tell you how much doing this changed my marriage. Remind him if there is something that needs to be done. (ie) Sweetheart, while I do the dishes can you go mow the backyard? I still do a lot more around the house then my husband, but I do not do it all at once. And if I feel that something needs to be done, I let him know.

Tell you husband that you are going back to work, hiring a full time nanny/housekeeper and gardener, so you can stop feeling like you are pulling all the weight (even though you really are not)....You just feel betrayed because you haven't gotten what you bargined for even though you say your husband is a good guy. He's the one working a full time job and probably feels like he is not getting what he bargined for either. Perhaps it's time to "renegoniate"

I think you need to look at this differently.
You need to get over the "tit for tat" mentality first off. I do X% while he only does X% is ridiculous. The checklist of who did the dishes each night is simply childish.
I stay at home while my husband is the one that earns the paycheck. By default I do end up doing a larger portion of things around the house. I homeschool my 3 to boot.
I understand that it begins to feel a little demoralizing that all you do every single day is deal with all that it gross and dirty in your home. You change the bulk of the dirty diapers, you deal with the bulk of the puke, the spilled milk, the potty accidents and on and on. You don't get to leave your "work" at the office, it's there 24/7.
Instead of tit for tat, do things together. Each night both of you quickly wash the dishes and it's done and neither of you have to worry about it. When we deal with laundry we all pitch in. My husband will help carry it all downstairs and into the garage where the machines are. He'll carry up a basket of clean clothes when he has a second to grab it. We all, including the kids, work to put it all away. Sometimes I will put the hangers on his shirts and he'll put them in his closet when he can get away from his desk which happens to be in the way of his closet. We both share making meals. All grocery shopping and errand running is done as a family and we carefully plot it to take as short a time as possible and hit as many places in a circle.
Everyone is responsible for doing things like throwing their own trash in the cans, putting dirty laundry in the hamper, putting dishes in the sink at least or the dishwasher if there is room.
We both deal with home repairs when needed or we hire someone when we have to.
The one thing I have no responsibility for is the yard. But the reason for that is that it gives me hives and asthma attacks so it's much better if I leave it to him.
He's not allowed to just sit on his butt the rest of the night after work. I'm not the only one that made this mess, I am not the only one that should be responsible for cleaning it up. His job is not physically demanding. But I do also keep into account that he has to devote a good amount of hours to his paying job and I'm the one that's free during that time and he needs at least some time to unwind from his day of dealing with all of his deadlines et al. I do have to remind him that the trash needs to go out and is full at times. But not very often.
I would look for a more mature way of dealing with every day necessities. Your husband should be stepping up but it's never going to be equal.

This isn't just for you E., but for all women...

I do not feel sorry for men because they work full time.

I used to work full time and also managed to take care of a home (and all that entails) and child all on my own (prior to getting married).

Never once do I remember complaining or whining that I shouldn't have to have any other responsibilities other than a, sigh, JOB. That's life.

If your husband weren't married, who would take care of his every want and need when he isn't at work??? He would HAVE to step up to the plate to pay his own bills, do his own laundry, grocery shopping, etc.

I find it disrespectful and lazy.

I work full time and so does my husband. I do the majority of chores. We have a gardener twice a month. I shop, cook, clean, do laundry and try to keep track of the kid's doing their chores. One thing that keeps the peace in our house is that we figure out who hates which chore and then we trade. I hate making beds, but don't mind cleaning bathrooms. One son loves vacuuming and the other, well he doesn't really like any chores, but when I put on a timer and play some music, they get done. Over the years I have worked on myself. I try to see the things my husband DOES do. He always helps with homework. He will fill out annoying paperwork and return calls. He will spend hours fixing technical problems and he makes me coffee every morning. When I think about these things, I have much less frustration over the things he won't do. I think many men are absent-minded about chores. I have learned to not take it personally. It really has helped.

Go ahead and resign yourself E., you keep rescuing him so he doesn't have to do anything, you just do it for him.

I make my husband accountable for his lack of doing chores. When I decided I had to have some help around the house I gave him dishes and trash and outdoor stuff. I hate doing dishes because I was beat with a belt, switch, or fists every night while I was growing up. So I refuse to do dishes as an adult.

We use paper plates, plastic flatware, and disposable cups. So the only dishes to be washed are the pots and pans that get dirty from cooking.

If he doesn't do the dishes every night they sit there. I have my own chores to do and I don't have time or the inclination to do his for him. If the trash can gets full and runs over then when he finally decides to empty it he has a huge mess to clean up, sweep up, and wash up. He is an adult and not a 3 year old so he knows better. He has increasingly gotten better and better about getting his work done every evening. BUT I guarantee you if "I" had done it for him he would have NEVER EVER done it and would have left it for me each and every time.

So stop rescuing him, stop nagging him, just let it go. When he has to pay to have the yard re-sodded just let him fork over the money. Then when it has to be done again let him pay for it again. Sometimes it takes a time or two for them to learn to do their jobs.

Just let it go and do NOT rescue him. Make him completely accountable. Do NOT do it for him. He'll think you are telling him he doesn't have that chore anymore. Have some respect for yourself. Make him respect you too.

I loved reading this questions & all the replies. I like looking at how we all work out our issues, the best we can. Small kids, whether you work out FT or stay at home, are time consuming & emotionally draining. They are also our greatest wonder & joy. Your hubby could have ADD, as was mentioned, but one thing I keep thinking of was, does he even KNOW what chores need to be done & how to do them? Lists or no lists, he may not even notice the need. Until he has no clean underwear, lol.

I've met several people of both sexes who either grew up NEVER doing any household chores--they literally just came & went with all "services" provided--like excellent room service. Either their parents did it all, or they hired it out, but they are completely clueless of the work entailed to maintain a household. Or they grew up in such Chaos that Chaos is normal, although they may not like it. They just don't know how to change it.

So, if you can afford to hire the help, do it. If you can't, I would look into FlyLady.net. I'm not naturally organized, I tend to hoard & although I love order, have a really hard time creating it & then sticking to it on my own. Before kids, I coped & hid my messes in closets & drawers, so unless you checked them out, the house didn't look too bad. After kids, a bomb went off & I could never catch up. I grew up in Chaos. Any household things I learned to do, I learned at the hands of babysitters or from magazines. So I have been doing my version of the FlyLady thing for a solid year now & it has helped a lot. I wish I would of found her when my kids were your kid's ages--it would of helped our family SO much.

Also, I recently happened upon a book about the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. I'm not endorsing every idea he has, but this one, I really like. He has a web site with a self-test on it, to determine which "love language" speaks "love" to you, so that you hear it & feel it. An Act of Service--helping or serving the one you love, means more to some of us than others. I listened to the audio book while driving--I'm at the stage of life where I'm driving a lot alone & boy is it boring. While listening to this I realized that my husband needs this type of love, that he gives to us this type of love by going out & "making the bacon" & if he isn't receiving it back, he just feels "used" for his paycheck. So, I have been trying to do little things for him, like take out the trash--not out to the curb, but from the kitchen & baths, etc. It might be "his" job, but why not surprise him with a little gift?

Anyway, I was just thinking, YOU probably would love a few "Acts of Service", that you would feel more loved by your hubby, if he would do a few things for you, whether they were on the chart or whatnot. Maybe write down just one thing that if he would do for you, it would make you feel loved. Ask him to write down one thing for you to do for him, that speaks love to him. Good Luck.

when you both work full time and no kids.. it is easy to agree on household tasks.. 50 50 is easy to calculate.. and there is not much to do.. but once kids happen.. the tasks multiply.. then if a parent stays home.. it is easy to assume the at home parent will do everything.. and in reality.. you do have time to do most chores..

I work 15-20 hhours a week.. I do almost all chores. drive kids to activities dr visits.. .. hub works.. cuts grass that is about it.. I don't complain as I think it is a gift to stay home part time..

Sounds like housework is the biggest drain on you. I'm a stay at home mom. And I homeschool so I don't have days home alone to catch up. My ex pays full support but is never here so I do EVERYTHING. When we were together, he traveled for work 95% of the time, so I did everything. And basically, I felt very privileged that I didn't have to pay the bills so to me it felt like an even split.

When he was home, or when he visits, he does some stuff. The trash. Some vacuuming. Mows the lawn. Some dishes. But it's SO rare it's pretty much never. As I said, I resigned to that being fair because I'm home and I don't have an income.

Now that my oldest is almost 8, she helps me a lot, and my 5 and 4 year olds can also pick up after themselves. So it's a lot less stressful than when I had a 4 and 2 year old before my third came along.

To be honest, it sounds like you have tried. I think things will get better with time as kids can do more for themselves, but I'm not sure you can get him to do more based on what you have here. He does do a lot, and obviously does not have the super duper energetic organized "home maintenance" personality a few rare men have. You may need to lower your standards a bit. My saving factor has been I don't really care all that much when things are messy. I have to let it go sometimes when I just can't do it all.

Also, if I EVER would have nagged or tried charts, it would have been very annoying and offensive to my ex. He's a full grown adult after all. To the contrary, I'm seeing someone now who is one of those "get up early and do all the chores and take care of everyone and build stuff and repair stuff" types....and it's certainly not because of anything I've said. He's 44 and we just met a few months ago. He's got full custody of both his kids, works full time and has to do everything at home too, and basically, he's just that type. Always has been.

Your husband isn't a super cleaner. I think he's doing great in general, personally.

It got much easier for me when I did the flylady.net thing and started thinking of housework as "blessing" my family and taking care of my husband. It made me feel less taken advantage of and happier about it. I work from home when the kids are in school and I still do at least 80-90% of the household chores and organizing. It's tough, but try to come up with a schedule and routine so you feel like you have a balance. I know it's hard with little ones. I have been home with mine the whole time, and working. There are days when you feel completely overwhelmed. So, I say those are the times when you take a break, go out to eat, ask the hubbie to take the kids for the evening so you can take a bath or veg out by yourself. You deserve it. It won't change him, but use his assets to your advantage and have him take the kids out to play somewhere. I have noticed that I just notice more around the house than my husband. He doesn't see the mess, he doesn't prioritize buying Christmas presents (aside from mine thankfully). He's different than me. But, I try my best to not feel like a martyr and try not to get resentful of all the work I do. He sees how much I do and tells me thank you, now and then. For me, it took an attitude shift and I even noticed that he started helping more as soon as I stopped keeping score.

Not that different in my house yet I'm also the main breadwinner. My husband does work FT and commutes further but i make much more money and still do much more childcare and household work. He basically does the electronics - most of which are only complicated bc he wants them to be - and he does do the lawn but not on the schedule I would expect. And we've got a small lawn. My parents laugh at it compared to what they took care of. Only thing that sticks out as more unfair than usual is your husband only works 40 hrs and has almost no commute. And your kdis are young. But when he comes home, he's with the kids vs off watching TV or surfing the net? If that's the case - he takes the kids off your hands - seems pretty fair to me. I always tried to look at total hours worked in whatever capacity and kids count as work bc it's not "personal time". If he's coming home and taking the kids, then he's still working and freeing you up. Or does he finish his day at 7pm while you're still running around donig everything until 10pm? Counseling likely will help or just holding your breath and giving it a couple of more years of inbalance and then the kids will be older and it just won't matter as much. I look back and I was very resentful that I was making way more $ yet also did so much more at home (don't think I'm the only woman in that situation). Still the case but the kids are older so not such constant hands on demands so I just don't mind as much. For reference, I've always done all the Xmas stuff, preschool stuff, doctors, playdates, school volunteering, bday planning, money management, most car repairs etc. He won't even know where their bday party is until that day! He didi't even know what school our oldest was going to start K at. So not that different from you but I made most of the money too!! And even I got over it and am ok now bc none of it is as much work now that the kids are more self sufficient. But can you try walkign up to him and saying "tonight is your turn to do the dishes?" And then stand there till he does them? I have done that at times. Just said "your turn tonight" and then he will do them. And maybe on a Friday night say "tomorrow can we hang that picture?" If he says yes, then set a time. Then at that time, walk over to him. Will he STILL not do it?

It took him TWO years, to get to the DMV to get his car title?
That is pathetic.
If he can't even do that, in a timely responsible adult manner, that is pretty bad.
How did he handle himself when he was single and not even, married?
Was he like this as a child, too?
Maybe, he needs to go see a Therapist and/or rule out any mental issues.
He can't even unpack his own suitcase from Christmas.

Sure, men/Husbands can be like this.
But sorry, that is not an excuse.

I am a part-time working SAHM.
I do most everything.
But my Husband helps too.
He and I do not have the mentality, that just because I am home with the kids, that he does not have to do, anything pertaining to the house/family/upkeep/maintenance.
He does things, too.
He will even make his own home lunch.
He doesn't expect me to be a total "maid" to him or everyone in the house.
I am not.
And I am human.
And I deserve a break too.
I don't have sick leave and vacation time and what not.
So, he.... does things in the house too.
He should.
Even he thinks so.
Granted, it is not a TON of stuff. But he does, help here and there and when I ask him, too. And I don't have to give explanations for it or justify my needing his help.
AND..... after being married for 16 years, he has, surely but slowly... gotten used to my cues... and will pitch in when I am just burnt out.
BUT I SAY so, too.
He helps, because, it is better than having a bitchy burnt out frazzled fed up, Wife. And after all, he is a Spouse and a Dad, and that is just what a person has to do.
It does not matter, that one is working and the other is not.
ALL and everyone, in a family, needs to help.
NO one, is a 24-hour house worker.

However, we don't put things into percentages or tally points or keep track of who does what and when and how often or what not.
I just say... when I need help.
And he will do it, in his own way. But it gets done.

Your Husband's lack of doing anything for the house... seems a bit over the top. And beyond just lazy.
I mean, if you were not there.... keeping things up, I don't think he would do anything, anyway.
Thing is: he seems to have a problem, with keeping up with home life.
And, how is he as an employee?

Also, does he even know how... to do home maintenance or fix things in the house or do things like that?
Not all men, know, how.

it's unfortunate that he's not holding up to what you two originally agreed upon, I'm not in your marriage, so I can't really tell you what you should do, but I can tell you how we do things... I've been a full time stay at home mom since a couple months before I got pregnant with our oldest child, so coming up on 12 years next month.

husband:
vacuums the downstairs nearly every morning before work(we have dog hair) - I can't do this chore due to shoulder surgery several years ago, the back and forth motion really grates on the joint if I do it regularly
walks dogs
yard work/pool chemicals in summer
trash to road once a week
minor household repairs(not very often)

me:
everything else haha! I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, meal planning, appointment making, pay all bills, do all the financial planning, pack and unpack all of us from vacation, wash/fold/iron/put away ALL family members clothing, but dog food, take dogs to the vet, plan vacations, homework with the kids

we do it this way b/c we want nights/weekends free of chores/grocery shopping/bill paying... we want to have chill out/relax/fun family time. he gets his business(work) taken care of from 8-5 during the week, and I get everything else that can be handled during that time period done so that there's no "work", other than yard work, needing to be done on a regular basis outside of the workday...

I keep to a pretty rigid schedule of my own household tasks, and aside from my nightmare pregnancies, it's never been a problem keeping up with the house(3300sf and I am an admitted OCD neat freak) - if he's not gonna pitch in, maybe just figure out a better way to let some things go, and figure out how/when you can routinely handle what you feel must be done. I'd hate to see this cause resentment in your marriage - hope you can get it worked out.

Don't know if I will be any help at all, but here goes. My hubby and I has A LOT of issues so more then just those. We both work full time, but he works at night and I work during the day so we would not need day care. He was just hung out with the kids and letting them make all kinds of messes. Then when I got home he slept and I got to clean the messes up. We read a book called 5 love languages and boundaries in marriage. And did a lot of counseling. We learned to talk about out feelings. I started telling how things made me feel. Like I said we had a ton more issues, but I'll tell you holding things in does not help. The 5 love languages help so we could find the best way to love each other (there is a love language where by doing the house chores the wife feels more loves so then he has to do them to show you he loves you!) The boundaries in marriage helped for my husband to actually take responsibility for his actions. It really helped and now I let him know when I have days that I have had a hard day and he actually makes dinner and cleans up after the kids. Good luck I hope things get better. It sucks to have everything on you!!

I guess my first suggestion is to start teaching the 4 yo some basic household chores, at 4 they are more than capable of helping daddy match socks and "fold Laundry" and carry a pile to everyone's respective bedroom.
a 4 yo can help hold the bag or fetch a clean liner while daddy empties the bathroom trash.

I bet they would love putting the forks and spoons into the drawer from the dishwasher.
Instead of your work and HIs work, why can't the family do the work together. You all live there you all want a nice home, make that part of your routine to pick up together.

I should leave it at that but I have to ask, what is hubs doing instead of what you ask? is he playing video games w the kids, instead of cleaning up after dinner, or is he bathing them? Is he checking Fb instead of watering the lawn, or is he talking with you about his day? What would you have him give up to get this stuff done? I for one should be giving up mamapedia to fold the laundry on the chair in my room that has been there for 2 weeks. but right now, I would like 30 mins to myself while the house is quiet.

I still can't leave it alone. your sentence about not being able to rely on his is ringing my alarm bells and I'm wondering what that deeper issue is. so yes like many others some couples counseling would be great. but don't go in trying to fix him go in trying to figure out why it upsets you so that he is unreliable in this one area.

I can understand being frustrated, but I don't see this as a deal-breaker. Just make a point of reminding him of things might not be on his radar. He is willing to do it once you say something, right?

I really don't understand how there can be a formula to determine a 50-50 distribution of household chores, and I would not expect to be able to stick to that formula. My husband usually does the laundry because he likes to have it done at closer intervals. I wash when I run out of clean clothes. My tolerance for clutter is higher than his, so I don't always notice when things start piling up. Sometimes it takes him pointing it out to me before I straighten up. It's not on my radar, and no amount of nagging or fighting will put it there on a regular basis.

As long as your husband responds well to the reminders from you, just keep reminding him.