Husband Not Bonding with Four Month Old

Tell him you need a break and he will have to deal! I would make a couple of shorter trips in the meantime away to get him use to it.

I would go, and let my husband know in advance that he needs to take care of his daughter. He isn't the babysitter, he is the dad. And, if his parents live close, have them come over for the evening to "visit" the new grandbaby.

Hi CM,
This may not be any consolation, but my dad was the father of 5 children and always claimed not being comfortable with the "baby" stage. He always maintained he liked walking and talking kids. My mom and step-mom both complained he never helped with the babies, never changed a diaper, and rarely held us. He did smile and talk. However, psychologists will tell you, "act as if, and the feelings will follow." Be around him and model bonding behavior when he has the chance to be with the baby. As far as the dinner goes, I'd take her with me.
Good luck,
Wendy

Hi there CM,
Oh for heaven sakes, tell him to grow a sack! You need to start leaving her with him more often and really give him a taste of what you deal with every day. Husbands take care of their newborns all the time. What is his problem? Is it because she is a girl? Is he uncomfortable changing a diaper? Doesn't sound like he is being very supportive. If he ever ask's you to come home from wherever you are agian, tell him you will be home as soon as you can, but.....your busy.
Believe me, he will survive. The more expierences he has with her, the easier the next time will be for him. As far as your dinner goes, if you feel uncomforable about it, then don't go. I know what it is like not to want to be away from your newborn. I didn't have any issues with leaving my baby alone with my husband, but I really had some separation issues with my daughter, they were my issues, not her's, (she is now 29 months old) and I still have those issues. I CAN'T leave her for any longer then a few hours with anyone else (on my husbands side, MY family, I trust), but I have left my daughter over night with my husband. I NEEDED it so bad. Maybe you can suggest a resturant a shorter distance away. Who whats to drive that far just for dinner anyway. Your friends should understand, being in the situation that you are in.
Anyway....you know how I feel. I would sit your husband down and see what his problem is. I'm sorry, I'm just irritated at your husband. He definatly not being fair to you. Good luck with this!
M.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I agree with the advice given here so far. I also want to add that maybe your husband could also be exhibiting postpartum jealousy? You're giving all your time to your 4 m.o., and 3 y.o., and when you're not doing that then you need to hold down the fort by grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. So maybe he feels jealous and instead of taking it out on baby, he'd rather pretend that he's not interested? Just a thought. My husband did this with kiddo #2 up until he was 6 months old. We had a huge fight and he finally fessed up that he wasn't getting any attention.
As for your girlfriends- I'm totally surprised that they do not understand how tough it'll be to plan lunch at a place 45 min. away! I would let them know that it would be difficult (as well as a safety issue) for you to drive 45 min away being sleep deprived, with a baby at home who might need you if an emergency arises. Suggest a closer place. Suggest to the friend who is heck-bent on going to this place to take a rain check (or have her husband/sig other take her there).

If your husband is uncomfortable watching the baby with you making just a quick trip to the store, I would say that there is no way I would leave him to watch a newborn and a 3 year old by himself so you can go on an outing with your friends out of town. I would teach him step by step what to do with the newborn and then maybe once he is successful at doing what needs to be done, I would ask him to watch the children while I left the house a few minutes. Forcing them to bond by having him spend more time with her might not work. I know plenty of guys who are just not comfortable around little babies when it comes to dealing with messy diapers, spit up, etc. Plus if you add a three year old to that, it can get quite hectic.

Also, you say that you are sleep deprived. If your friends are really true friends, they will understand that the timing is just not right. I would not bring my baby with me to the restaurant, because it is likely that your friends just want to have girl time, away from the husbands and children. To bring your baby would be rude and inconsiderate to them. Explain to your friends this way: 1) I am sleep deprived. 2) I would be able to come and meet you for dessert only at a local place, as my husband is still not comfortable in watching both of our children at the same time. I am not willing to drive out of town at this time. 3) Can we have a raincheck and meet at a later date if this is not convenient for you? 4) You are welcome to come to my house and celebrate our birthdays together, if you call first so I can prepare for your arrival. 5) I value your friendship and would like to do things with you when everything settles down more for me.

Hope this helps.

how about a mother or mother-in-law to watch her...i have a 10 mth old and my hubby has never watched him either. he is just now starting to be comfortale with him. I think it all has to do with the size and sex of the baby....boys are tuff boys and girls are precious babies ...maybe hes afraid he will hurt her or mess up. Give it time she will grow on him

Boost up your hubby's confidence with the baby. Start with little things like while you are in the shower or getting dinner together. Be sure to point out any little thing that he does that the baby likes. Daddy's need an ego boost too! Do not nitpick how he does something or if he does something different than you.

A true friend will understand that with a 3 yo and 4mo, you just have too much onyour plate for parties right now. don't sweat it and invite the birthday girl over for some cake another day.

Oh sweetie it's one of those things. Daddy's often have this thing with 'girls' and taking care of them. My Dad has three girls and he said by the time came around it was no biggie, but with my half sister he said he felt like he was all thumbs.

First thing I would do is sit down and talk with him after the kiddos are sleeping. Ask him is something is bugging him and what you can do together to work it out. If he's showing discomfort, then he probably is on edge for some reason. I agree he probably needs reassurance and an ego boost that he's not going to break her. Men often see little girls as fragile and delicate and he doesn't want to be the one to hurt her if he does something wrong while alone.

For the birthday thing, I feel your pain. When my little one was born I had friends who planned stuff I had to skip and honestly, they all understood that I needed to be a Mommy before I could go out and have fun. But, if you really want to go get an alternate sitter or work things out with your husband before hand so you can go and have a good girls night out.

Good luck.

while I agree that the husband taking care of his own child isn't babysitting and he should be able to give you a night out, I have to say I would skip the dinner and stay home.
I think everyone is right that you need to talk to your husband about this issue, help him be more comfortablw with the baby and not rush it and positively reinforce without nitpicking (coming from a master nitpicker, mind you!) and that some people are not comfortable with babies.
my concern is when you force someone who is not a baby person to take care of a baby who he perceives as fussy or difficult, then you're not getting quality care.
my husband has been fantastic and so involved and helpful and he too was not as comfortable or patient with our daughter when she was a baby. so the first 6 months was pretty much all me, some him, but now that she's older, it is defintely shared and he does so much with her and goes in during the middle of the night, not me.
The dinner sounds lovely and I think you'll be miserable that far away worrying about the quality of care your daughter is getting.
hopefully he comes around and tries a little harder.
good luck!

Hi CM,

We have five children. My husband was never that good with the babies, though. He tried, but he never felt very comfortable. Because I always nursed my babies, they never were very happy with him, because as you know...babies always just want to nurse! If I were you, I would just take the baby to the restaurant. At that age, they are usually pretty good, sleep a lot, and you can always stand up and hold her for a few minutes if she fusses. You'll have so much more fun, and you won't worry the entire evening. I hated leaving my babies, and just refused to do things after awhile, if it meant I'd be away from them for more than 1/2 hour to an hour. People made fun of me and said, "oh, you need to relieve your stress, you need to get away!" but I did not find that to be true at all. The stressful thing WAS leaving them! To take them did not stress me at all! You have the rest of your life to do things solo, this is an important time to be with your baby. Trust me, soon they'll be in school and gone from you a lot. I cherish the time I spent with each of my babies.

Good luck. Don't make your husband feel badly about his awkwardness; he'll feel more comfortable as she grows up! My husband got better and better. By the time they were a year, he loved being involved. It is different for all men. Take care!

My husband is the same way with our 5 month old son. I believe it's not that he isnt bonding - it's just that at this stage, it's more difficult for men because nurturing doesnt come as natural for them as it does for women. As your daughter grows into toddlerhood and can walk, talk, and interact more with her father, then he will totally be involved with her. Fathers are very taken by their daughters. There is a special bond between them. It just takes time to develop. Regarding leaving them alone together at this stage: I sense a lot of anxiety from my husband when he cant figure out what our son needs/wants. Of course, our son cant speak yet - so he's at a loss of what to do, and the anxiety builds with every cry. I DO NOT leave our son alone with my husband because of the stress it causes both of them. There's no need to put either of them through that and risk our child feeling insecure cause Daddy is freaking out. Hope this helps.

Give him some time...lots of people are nervous around newborns. As she grows he'll probably interact more with her.

Take your baby with you to your birthday lunch. There'll be plenty of time for girls only parties when your baby is older. If your friends don't want the baby to come, then stay home. She needs you at this time in your life.

You should get a babysitter to go to the dinner.

This is completely normal!! Men are intimidated and baffled by babies. When they see that their wives are so confident and competent, it makes them feel worse. Men hate to feel out of their element. If you get exasperated and say things like, "What's the problem?" or, "I feel like I can't go anywhere," he'll get defensive and feel as if there's no way he can make this right. The fact that the baby is a girl probably makes him even more baffled; he's probably thinking, "I never know what women want!" Don't worry, it will get better! You can help by assuring him that he's capable and you trust him, even if he does things differently than you do.

As for the restaurant, you have strong feelings one way, and your friend has strong feelings another way. I'd say that means that neither of you should push the other, in case hard feelings ruin the event. See if you can all agree on somewhere under 30 minutes or so, if you can. Let your husband know that unless it's a huge emergency, with a need for immediate medical care needed, it's very important that you get to finish your evening. Go out, have fun, don't worry, and don't let it become a huge deal.

Perhaps your husband is overwhelmed and sleep deprived like you. He may not be the care giver right now, but he still may not be sleeping either and stressed at work, etc. He may just be uncomfortable around babies, think back to your first, if you are able... how was he then? Talk to him. ask what he is willing to do. What he is comfortable with. You may be surprised at his fears. Walk him through the night, what he can expect and how to deal with what comes up. Let him KNOW you trust him! If watching an infant and a three year old is too much for him, respect his limitations. Hire a sitter and tell him you love him and his honesty.

As for the party...
Your friends SHOULD understand your dilemma. The drive alone is ridiculous for a new Mom. If it's too much for them to relocate the night, skip it. Be graceful, simply excuse yourself from the evening. You stated you wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the dinner, given your exhaustion and home situation, why push yourself? Meet for "coffee", during nap time or hire a sitter. Make a promise to yourself that when your husband gets more comfortable you WILL go out the girls. If you're feeling a little closed off invite a girlfriend in for "coffee". Your house need not be spotless and your hair need not be perfect for a FRIEND to come by and catch up!

My husband hardly ever watches our son. I would tell your friends you would like to go, but that is to far away. Tell them when they plan a coffee date close to home you and your baby would love to hang out with them. Don't worry about your friend who wants a ride if she is any kind of friend she will understand this is not OK for a mom with a new baby to drive that far. That would not be good if you fell asleep when driving your car. I remember those days. I would almost fall asleep when I was sitting at the table. Invite them over to your home for coffee so you can hang out with them on your time.
Sue

Hi C M, I think you should go with your friends.One of the things that i try to educate young women on is this, when a couple has a baby the didn't become a mother and the husband a baby sitter. I'm sure when your husband is away from home you don't call him and tell him to come home cause the baby won't stop crying, you deal with it, well dads can just deal with it as well, baby's cry sweetie that's what they do, my husband and I shared all the responsibilities of taking care of our babies/children, he was a little leary about holding our first born while we were still in the hospital, when we got home all the work and joy was shared. I have heard so many men use use the term babysit, babysitting is what you do with someone elses child, with your own it's called being a parent which mean dealing with a crying baby,and not calling your wife to come home. Go and have fun, and hey Happy early birthday. J. L.

You know, it's not going to be easy, but it's almost like you have to sleep-train your husband. He is your daughter's father and he is going to have to get comfortable someday, it may as well be now. You going to the dinner is the best idea EVER. You will be too far away to come back, he will just have to deal. Maybe he calls you because he always knows you'll come home. While I find it annoying, men sometimes are uncomfortable about what to do with a girl. The only way for him to learn is to just DO IT and get used to it. It won't be easy (esp for you and your hubby), but sometimes you just have to make them do things they don't want to do (with hubbies as well as kids!) It will all turn out ok! Just don't give your husband a life-preserver anymore. He loves her, she's his daughter, he'll figure it out. Alone time is just what they need. Don't enable the situation by cancelling your plans.

Oh, I remember those days! I think many fathers really start bonding w/ baby once they get a little bit older -- around the 11 month to one year mark. They are just so uncomfortable and don't know quite what to do. Think about how much experience you have with baby on a day-to-day basis vs. your husband! You are baby's "everything" and your husband knows it :) I rarely went out even to run errands at that point. So don't worry, he'll really start bonding with baby once the very early infant stage is over.

As for a night out, you won't enjoy yourself being THAT far away. Plus, way too dangerous driving that far if you're sleep deprived! And if they are true friends, they'll totally understand you wanting to stick closer to your home. If they keep pressing, send them on their way without you and suggest the four of you do a follow-up close to your house in the near future.

Happy birthday -- and this, too, shall pass!

Let your friends know that the restaurant is too far for you, given your current situation. Your baby is only 4 months old - there will be plenty of time for that sort of stuff when she gets older. I guess I am just not understanding why you are so concerned with how your friends will feel - your child and your health and sanity are much more important.

As far as Dad not bonding with her, it's tough when they are that young. Babies prefer Mama when they are that age. My husband always loved and cuddled our daughter, from the day she was born, but they didn't really, truly develop a strong BOND till she was about 2 years old. Now that she's older, I'm able to do some things on my own and she and my husband have a great time hanging out together!

Hang in there, and enjoy this time with your little ones :)

Can you not bring the baby with you? Most of my family and friends know that if I'm going anywhere (especially if it's longer than an hour), I will most likely have my baby with me until they get to an age where my husband and myself are both comfortable with me being away...which is different with each child. Especially if you're breastfeeding, it can be a tricky and difficult thing.

My husband sounds a lot like yours and has called or texted me many times asking 'how much longer' or 'please come home'. Once the kids hit about age 2 years (earlier for my son), he feels much more comfortable because he doesn't have to worry about the nursing thing and can just play with them. It can be tough for men to care for babies, so try to be understanding of his feelings as well as your friends (not that he shouldn't let you attend events and go on outings sometimes).
I'd encourage you to explain the situation to them and let them know you can either go to the restaurant far away WITH the baby or to a closer restaurant WITHOUT her. It's your decision, but good luck!
~N.

I agree with what some of the other moms said, that if you don't feel comfortable being so far away with this upcoming birthday celebration, you should be able to say so - and if the others do not realize your concerns, I'd drop it and stay home.
You wont be able to enjoy yourself if you go!
If you think your husband has a hard time bonding, try to let him have the baby by himself for a few ten minute intervals, then bump it up to longer periods. You could take your 3 year old with you to let them be alone.

My husband felt similarly when our daughter was born, because he didn't have as much time with her and no breasts. =) I noticed that the more practice he had, the more he was able to find his own ways to soothe her. One of the most effective was to wear her in the Moby or a sling. He would put her in, take her outside for a walk, and she would fall asleep on him. It wasn't easy- the first several times she was alone with him she cried the whole time, sometimes more than an hour. But I realized that it was important and healthy for BOTH of them to get through. Also, keep in mind that sometimes we moms don't know what to do either, and nursing doesn't always work. So it's just practice.

Perhaps start now giving them short times together, also validate his concern and thank him for his willingness in spite of the challenge (I'm sure he's worried that so much crying isn't good for the baby), and both of you emotionally prepare for a rough time. But it's worth it. My daughter has adored my husband (even sometimes preferring him!) for more than a year (she's 2 now) and how he's the one who soothes her when she wakes up in the middle of the night. So this will be good for all of you in the long term.

Of course, feed the baby as close to leaving as you can, so she's full.

Finally, I think it's totally find to lobby your girlfriends for a closer restaurant. It's your birthday, too, and it's you just won't be able to relax. Let them know that next year's birthday or even sooner you can have a girls night farther away, but this is a short season when newborns are particularly challenging.

Good luck!

You have two problems here and I totally remember the early days with an infant where my husband would call me and say "when are you coming back??????" from a 10 minute errand. In these early months, no one can soothe the baby like mama can, so it probably is difficult for your husband. Especially if this #2 is more cranky than your first.
But I am going to address the problem of the dinner out- don't go, explain why. It sounds like you really don't want to, so DON'T. Say, I have a colicky baby at home, if I am going to have a few hours of get-away I'd prefer that 1/2 of them not be spent driving, it's just not worth it for me to drive that far. Maybe when the baby is a little older. Do these other women have kids? Anyone with a small fry or two would understand.
Option- bring the baby with you to the restaurant?

It drives me a bit batty when I hear people say that men are "just uncomfortable" around babies. Really? So are most first time mothers. And when push comes to shove, women figure it out. So do a lot of men. To simply say that he's a man, and they don't do babies is just patronizing. I feel a lot of mom's (and I'm not saying this is your situation, just my experience with other mother's who can't/won't leave the baby with dad) set themselves up to be the martyr by insisting on doing it all and then exacerbate the situation by critiquing the father's attempts. It may be that your husband truly feels anxious about caring for your daughter, and I I am not denigrating that. But the only way he'll ever feel comfortable with her is through practice, doing it his own way. Giving him a part in her care, whether it be he bathes her every night, gives her a bottle at a certain time, or whatever, making that task his and his alone will empower him to feel confident (and gives you a chance to sit down for a bit!). You might also start leaving them alone on a regular basis (join a yoga class, meet a friend for coffee for an hour) so that he becomes confident in his abilities. If you come home and the house is a mess, her onesie in on upside down and the three year old covered in cake, laugh it off, don't critique. Its not easy taking care of a baby and a three year old. But you do it. So can he. Its not just you who suffers when you are the only care giver, your daughter and your husband are missing out on an awesome bonding time as well.

As far as your birthday dinner goes, if you can't make it, you can't make it. No one wants to upset their friends, but if you're going to be anxious the entire time, than what was the point of going?? They should understand your concerns.

Sometimes dad's just have a hard time with little girls they feel like they are so much more fragile then little boys and your daughter can sence it. I would not push the issue. My husband was that way with my daughter until she was old enough to talk and play more they have a super close relationship now she is 18. As for girls night out can you get someone else to look after your daughter and let dad have a boys night? That would be the easy solution if not I would probally pass on going out just explain to your girlfriends you don't feel comfortable be that far from home they SHOULD understand. Do whats best for you & your family. Try and find someone else to watch your little girl everyone will be more relaxed. Good luck.

Honey, you're the one with a new baby. If you've expressed the need to stay close to home and they won't budge, they don't sound like good friends.

New babies trump all. Be kind to yourself and ask for what you need.