Husband Gets Upset When I'm Not "In the Mood"

Well, it is kinda personal. :)

Have you tried to calmly explain - when you are not "in the moment", (maybe at dinner or breakfast) - that you're not in the mood for whatever reason that has nothing to do with him, how he looks, how he performs or because of his endowment?

Us guys are pretty sensitive under all the muscle and callouses. :)
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not that you're doing anything wrong - but maybe he's a little overly sensitive? Especially after what sounds like quite a few "no's".

He's feeling rejected. My husband has hardly any sex drive right now because of medical issues. We usually have sex about once a week. I get upset a lot over it because it's hard not to feel like it's about me. You two need to talk about this.

ETA: It's easy for other posters to think he's being selfish or whatnot. But what if it was you? My husband barely touches me anymore because he's so tired and just doesn't feel turned on. He even told me he doesn't have the drive to touch me in general most days. This includes hand-holding and such. This knowledge doesn't stop me for feeling rejected when I want his attention and don't get it. Why? Because my love language is touch. Maybe it is the same for your husband. Or maybe he has a high sex drive. I wish I had my husband fawning all over me right now.

In my experience, 2-3 times/week is more than plenty, if you have kids, jobs, a full schedule to contend with. My husband and I are lucky if we get time for that, it's usually more like once a week for us. We're just SO tired at the end of the day!

I agree with JT, I think there's some manipulation there. How are you "rejecting" him? Are you letting him down gently or could you possibly be hurting his feelings? Men have very fragile egos (you know that!).

If you're letting him down gently, I don't think you should feel badly about this at all, but I do think it's time to have a conversation about this with him (when he's not upset) to prevent future hard feelings.

No woman (or man) should have to be a slave to her partner's sex drive. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable saying "no".

I don't tell my husabnd no. He can pretty much tell if I'm not feeling it. If it means enough to him to forge through that, then I let him. I am in no way a Stepford Wife, but I think that it is my responsibility to at least allow him an opportunity try to turn me on. Or just get his rocks off and move on. Sometimes it is just a physical thing; when that's the case, it usually doesn't take too long. I do not take for granted that my husband wants me, even at times when he doesn't even notice that I have a face.

As far as I'm concerned, that is part of my job as a wife, to be that faceless piece of tail when intimacy doesn't matter. I'm thankful that that doesn't happen too often, but, hey, there's relief in that, too. I don't always feel like putting on a show.

Wow, 2-3 times a week and he feels deprived? He needs a reality check. He's getting plenty of action. Maybe he needs to work more on emotional intimacy, not just the physical.

Have you communicated to him your feelings. At least what I see is the wife loses her drive but still has sex when necessary. The thing is then she is not getting any pleasure out of it which in turn gives him no pleasure. Then he just wants it more and more because he wants that feeling when both are engaged in the process.

Just because a man orgasms doesn't mean he enjoyed it so even though by the numbers you aren't depriving him you may still be depriving him of a pleasurable act.

I can tell my husband too tired, not in the mood, it doesn't bother him at all because all I am saying is I won't be all in for the act. He would rather wait and enjoy it.

It is when it is a choice of bad sex or no sex that men seem to start taking it personally.

2-3 times per week! Wow... he should have absolutly nothing to complain about, but should consider himself one lucky guy!

You see, women are like computer that are powered off for the night (and not just on sleep mode). He can't just touch the "mouse" and you are ready to go. He has to "press the power button on" and has to power you on first.

So, if the computer shuts down every night and then simply asks or touches the mouse, would he be "upset" too that it turned his request down to power up the computer?

He should be really happy with 2-3 times per week. I know my husband would be thrilled!

Have you said those words to him?

My DH would love 3 x a week. I think that you need to talk to him when you are not in one of these yes/no moments. My DH craves physical attention when he is sad or grumpy. Even though he's been sick this week, he's wanted more attention. He's also an extrovert. What my DH perceives as being ignored, I consider blissful peace. We are a fine pair when we both are upset. :P

Could it be that your DH's love language or perception is simply different than yours? Could some of this need be met in other ways? A backrub with no sex required? Taking a shower together? Something that might make you also feel loved and taken care of? Someone (I forget who) joked that sex on Saturday starts with flowers on Weds. And, further, could you come to a better understanding about "no"? You are his wife, but you are still you and if you truly do not want to have sex that day, then you can still say no. There's a difference between "I'm tired, but I'll give it a try" and "I really do not want you right now".

Personally, after an honest response (even if it's not what he wants) the last thing I want is moping because I stood up for my needs right then. Want to ruin my libido? Act like a petulant child. Is that also how you feel? If you weren't having sex at all, that would be different. It's not "never" just "not now". Also, do you ever ask? How do you react when he says no (if he does)?

I think 2-3 times a week sounds fair. Have you tried the BJ for a back rub technique? Lol.

what worked best for us was talking about it and deciding a frequency that works for both of us.....this way as long as we stick to the plan we are good as expectations are set accordingly on both ends........I work well with targets and deadlines anyways :-)
I agree with other posters - not sure how you are rejecting him..........maybe if you are tired you can let him know in advance before he even makes an advance and when you guys do get intimate please be completely invovled and there and not do it for the sake of doing it....Good Luck....this is the fun part of a marriage ( and a very important aspect for men) and you just need to figure out a way to get the fun back.

2-3 times is a healthy amount in my personal experience. more is fine less is kinda a bummer but still ok. my frist thought when i read this was " manipulation". just like a child who doesnt get what they want and throw a fit, or a teen whos friend doesnt go where they want and pouts, he is a man who did not get what he wanted and is trying to make you feel badly about it and it worked. thats my take you know him better than i could ever in this very short paragraph!

My hubby doesn't want me to perform if I am not into it. I agree it depends how you are refusing him. Most women need some time to warm up and get in the mood. So maybe tell him this and the occasional butt pat, hug or kiss during the evening could rev your engine so you would be more in the mood later!

I also agree with HeatherL P. For the most part, I do not say no. Sometimes I will - but most of the time he will catch whether or not I'm in the mood just by my actions, reactions, etc.

Have a talk about what you'd like out of him weekly and see what he says. If you are happy with 2-3 and he wants 6-7x, maybe you could compromise on 4-5.

Good luck!!!

Hi, Mom:

God Created Romance. We find it interestng that God found romance and sex so important that He dedicated an entire book in the Bible, Song of Solomon, to encourage us to experience it. This poetic book provides a rich description of what a romantic, sexual relationship between man and wife should be like.

Become a student of your spouse. You probably know that men and women view romance through different lenses. Men focus on the physcal: a sexy nightie or adventurous sexual encounter is hard to beat for them! But it's difficult for a man to remember to cultivate the intimate relationship his wife needs. Women, however, are motivated by relationship. They might prefer sitting by a fire or spending time talking, and they may end up resenting their husbands' sex drive. You can imagine the potential for unmet expectations.
Rekindling the romance in your marriage doesn't require a lot of monehy, and it often doesn't even take much time. What you do need is the commitment to do it. Like any good fire in the fireplace, it needs attention and fuel. The warmth is worth it!

Good luck.
Be glad you have a husband to have sex with.
One day, you won't.
D.

Updated

Hi, Mom:

God Created Romance. We find it interestng that God found romance and sex so important that He dedicated an entire book in the Bible, Song of Solomon, to encourage us to experience it. This poetic book provides a rich description of what a romantic, sexual relationship between man and wife should be like.

Become a student of your spouse. You probably know that men and women view romance through different lenses. Men focus on the physcal: a sexy nightie or adventurous sexual encounter is hard to beat for them! But it's difficult for a man to remember to cultivate the intimate relationship his wife needs. Women, however, are motivated by relationship. They might prefer sitting by a fire or spending time talking, and they may end up resenting their husbands' sex drive. You can imagine the potential for unmet expectations.
Rekindling the romance in your marriage doesn't require a lot of monehy, and it often doesn't even take much time. What you do need is the commitment to do it. Like any good fire in the fireplace, it needs attention and fuel. The warmth is worth it!

Good luck.
Be glad you have a husband to have sex with.
One day, you won't.
D.

you will probably have to have a frank conversation about it when NEITHER of you is the mood so fragile egos aren't so much at play.
it's really not fair of him to go all mopey and depressed if you're not into it. it's a form of control, although kind of a backhanded one. of course is he's depressed and disappointed he should be allowed to express it, yada yada, but it sucks that you get pressured into doing something you're not into in order to stave off the sulks.
you need to be honest that your libido is lower now (happens to an awful lot of young mothers) but it will likely come back over time (which it will.) that you want him to feel loved and that his sexual needs are addressed, but that he needs to also be accommodating of what's going on physiologically with you. there are a few different ways to handle it. you could make a standing romance date, say wednesday evenings and saturday afternoons. the anticipation might conversely help you be a bit more into it, and that way he knows he's not going to be deprived. or that you agree to get yourself there a couple of times a week and you let HIM know when and where. then you need to follow through.
but you do need to find a working middle ground between you feeling pressured and resentful, and him feeling rejected and pouty.
khairete
S.

Wait... you've LOST MOST of your sex drive but still feel like being intimate 2 to 3 times per week? That's a normal libido ;-). If it's not a normal libido FOR YOU, however, have you talked to your OB/GYN about it? It may very well be something that your doctor can help you with, if you're interested.

It sounds like he's taking it as personal rejection. As long as he recognizes boundaries and doesn't attempt to force you, and he respects the "no" then try not to hold it against him. Sure, pouting and acting depressed is childish, but he's not thinking with the head on his shoulders when he's been turned down.

I do think you need to talk to your husband about how you feel, how your body has changed not just physically since having children but hormonally, and how you still find him physically attractive. This is also one of the ways you pay attention only to him and not the children... it's 100% focused on him. It's stress reliever. But you also don't like to feel pressured or like it's a duty from him. If that inner drive comes from yourself, that's different.

Okay, so my suggestion is to make an appointment with your OB/GYN specifically for this AND to also make an appointment for marriage counseling. You guys need some help communicating, and therapy can help you with this... discussions about sex and the emotions around having it or not having it can be taught, and when you're first learning how to have those discussions it might be easier in a safe place. You might be able to work out any other issues that might be surrounding this.