How Would You Approach This?

If it were me, I would say a talk with the teacher is in order...then I would politely explain the situation and how I (the Mom) gave son the advice to ignore it for a long time and then when all else fails to tell the teacher, and how that is exactly what he did...and how she shot him down with the 'Don't be a tattle-tale' response...which would be SO not cool, IMHO.

In K, they *need* the help from the teacher to solve problems with classmates, they are so young and this is their first year dealing with peers. ALL everyone says, is not to get physical and that you MUST talk to the teacher when you have a problem and then to follow all the rules and then get dismissed is just wrong and the teacher has TOTALLY FAILED in her job/responsibility!

A talk with the teacher would be a MUST at this point, for me anyway!

I'd simply email or talk to the teacher and fill her in on the history. I imagine the teacher has no idea that he has been pestered all year. I'd ask if she had any suggestions as to how to handle the situation.

I've emailed my daughters teacher for a lot less than this. If I have any concerns I will email that day. And if something comes up the next day I will email then too. Parents shouldn't be scared of asking the teacher to help the kids out. And a lot of times the teachers can come back with a little more detail to whats actually happening. So my response is email the teacher directly.

Mama and her son need to talk to the teacher privately.

The teacher has a number of children to deal with, and the amount of tattling that goes on would be almost overwhelming to anyone else. "He took Brenda's red crayon"... "She won't give me my pencil"... "He looked at me funny"... "She called me a zombie"... So it shouldn't be surprising if the teacher puts this boy's statement in the same category as a sort of automatic reaction.

So it's time for a conference. But first Mom and son need to get their information together. For instance: since school began this boy has been following him around and poking him; or, at least once a day this boy calls him a bad name; or, this boy pushes him off the swing; or, this boy tries to push him down every time they are on the playground. Get specific. Mama should be able to tell the teacher specifically why she is so concerned. Son needs to be brave enough to talk about how he feels. The teacher needs light and not just heat.

I tell my own daughters to turn to the person who is bothering/annoying/upsetting/bullying them and say in a loud voice, "Stop BEHAVIOR at me, right now!" and then walk away.

99.99% of the time it works. It draws attention to what the other person is doing. It "tells" on the other person without tattletaling. It embarrasses the other person and shames them into stopping. My eldest daughter does it so effectively that when she sees classmates being bullied she sticks up for the child being bullied or harassed or bothered if it looks like they're too shy or afraid to stick up for themselves.

Your friend needs to schedule a meeting with the teacher and explain what is going on. My guess is that the teacher is unaware of the situation because it isn't an obvious one and having a child come up to you (without context) and say "So-and-so is bothering me" would result in the reaction the boy encountered.

Schedule a meeting:
- Calmly explain what has been going on
- Let the teacher know how you have asked the child to handle the situation
- Ask the teacher for suggestions/ideas as to how/when your son should let her know that he is being bothered.

He's not stuck, but it's time to fill the teacher in on the situation. You can't leave someone in the dark and then get flustered when they don't respond the way you would like!

Time for your friend to discuss this with teacher. She needs to be aware that this is a situation that needs to be addressed. If the teacher won't do anything then involve the principal.

The teacher needs to be made aware of this situation.

I am a regular sub for over 10 yrs and we have a phrase "See 3 before me" which is a tool for the children to work things out among themselves.

However, there are circumstances when it is not a simple tattle tale and as a teacher, it is sometimes hard to determine a tattle tale between someone who needs the teacher to intervene. I have had parents notify me when I am subbing (thinking that I don't know what the dynamic is in a classroom, but I do because I am there so much) asking me to keep an eye on their child because of such and such.

If your friend and her son conference with the teacher, then, the teacher (and the team) will be aware and can watch so that she/he can redirect or discipline properly.

I admire your friend for trying to help her son work this out on his own but at the K level, it is tough for the children do this sometimes.

Hopefully this can be resolved soon!

Time for mom to have a talk with the teacher. "Little Billy has been bothering Tommy in school for quite a while now. I really wanted him to try handling it himself, so I told him to ignore Billy. I ALSO told him that he could talk to YOU, his teacher, if Billy didn't stop bothering him even after Tommy ignored him. I'd hate for Tommy to be labeled a tattle-tale, but I'm not sure how to help him. If he ignores Billy, Billy keeps bothering him. If he retaliates, he'll get into trouble. If he tells you, he gets told to not tattle. What should we do about this? As his teacher, how would you approach this? Any input you have would be helpful."

If he can't advocate for himself (which, really, he's in kinder, he shouldn't be expected to yet) and his teacher is too lazy to deal with this, it's up to mom to step in and be the advocate.

There is a difference in tattling, if the teacher doesn't see the prior things going on, she is going to assume tattling. Kids ALWAYS tattle on small little things, so teachers commonly use that phrase, since it is often annoying and unnecessary. This is mom's fault for letting it go on for so long without letting the teacher know it is a continual and ongoing problem. Mom can't put this on a 5/6 year old child to fix. She should have written a note to the teacher a long time ago to let her know that there is an issue between the boys to watch for. Obviously, the teacher should be privy to what is going on, but like you said, the boy isn't doing anything really noticeably wrong, which can go under the radar for a teacher to see. The teacher shouldn't have completely dismissed it either, but really the adults need to talk this out.

I would call the headmaster or principal and tell them that my son's teacher has flat-out refused to help him-and then sit back and watch it unravel. He's a little boy, asking for relief-I think the teacher is effectively saying that she is an idiot and cannot do her job.

I would talk with the teacher - your friend's son is being bullied in a subtle kind of way. If the teacher does not address this and doesn't help your friends son feel safe at school then go to the principal.

Yeah, they always say tell the teacher and 9 times out of 10 the teacher isn't interested in hearing it.
A lot of tattling does go on 'He's looking at me', 'She stuck her tongue out at me', etc and so forth.
Ignoring doesn't always work.
When this boy bothers him, the other boy should say loudly "Stop bothering me".
If the kid is following him around it's tough because the timid boy can't get away from him.
It's time to stand his ground.
Stay in one place and play with other kids.
If the other boy comes by and 'pushes his buttons' tell him loudly to stop once, twice, third time tell the teacher (and be sure to tell the teacher if she doesn't stop it he might have to hit the kid) (anything that happens after that is partially the teachers fault for not intervening) and then if it still is happening, knock him down and it'll all get sorted out in the principals office.
My son has only been bothered once (in the 3rd grade) and the other boy stopped after the 2nd warning.
This kid kept standing on my son's heels while they were waiting in line for lunch.
My son told him "You need to stop. Because if I have to stop you, you are NOT going to like it" (at the time my son was a green belt in taekwondo).
Definitely the parent should talk to the teacher and the teacher should put a stop to the following around and maybe this other kid's parents should be notified that there is a problem.

The mom needs to talk to the teacher. Yes they tell them not to tattle cause kids are constantly telling on each other, but when they need to it back fires and I don't think that's right. We've had to have several talks with teachers over the years. If the teacher does not do anything to stop it go over her. My oldest was getting picked on once and I wrote a letter to the teacher and told her that if it didn't stop I would take it to the principle. She actually did herself and they had a talk with both the boys and it was stopped. Schools have a no talerence policy for bullying or at least most do. Sometimes they need to be reminded of it.

Teachers get bombarded with kids telling on others, when the mom gets involved is when they usually do something. The mom needs to say something.

She needs to speak with the teacher directly. Inform her that the boy says he reported the issue to her and he (reports) he was called a tattle tale. Must give the teacher a chance to recant or explain first. If I had a dollar for everytime my kids mis-reported stuff to me.... wow!

If the boy is truely being a persistent pest, let the teacher know you view this as harrassment (usually covered in the bullying policy.) But be prepared to explore the other side of the coin - that just maybe the persistent boy is trying to be friendly and just comes off wrong.

A suggestion that the boys get together in a more controlled environment to have some quality one-on-one time might be warranted.

I think if the child has done all he can on his own, I would meet with the teacher. Having a meeting shows her you consider this a bigger issue than a kid tattling on another and you want to find a resolution. I would tell her how long it's been going on, what's been going on, what your advice to your child was, and ask her why she brushed him off when he did seek her help. I understand that teachers can't see everything and can't fix everybody, but I'd be disappointed if my DD's teacher brushed her off. I've told my DD to try to work it out with her friends on her own, but if she can't, she can talk to her teacher.

Here's the problem, L.. She is expecting her son to fight the dragon all by himself, and he is just too young for that. You don't throw a kid out there alone and expect him to do it without having given him a chance to successfully navigate it. Because she did nothing to help him at school, HE is the one who got shot down.

She should have gone to the teacher in the first place and explained what is going on. That way the teacher could have noticed what was happening and dealt with the other boy. Now that boy has all the power because the teacher had no idea what was really happening. Your friend shot her son in the foot here.

Now she needs to go see the teacher and tell her what's what and that she wishes she had come to see her when this all started. She also needs to tell the teacher that she will go and talk to the guidance counselor as well.

The school should really WANT to know about this kid because what he is doing will escalate into bullying if they don't stop it early.

Tell your friend not to expect her children to fight their own battles without help. She is supposed to be there with them.

Dawn

Schedule a meeting with the teacher. The teacher may not realize that this has been an ongoing problem.

After that, if the teacher does not do anything, schedule a meeting with the principal. There is nothing worse than someone following you around pushing your buttons all day. I'd be a homicidal maniac!

Yes - the teacher needs to know that this is an ongoing problem and her son didn't just "tattle" for a one time thing. The teacher needs to look out for this issue and stop it - that's part of her job. This little boy should not have to stop this situation all on his own. And he has the right to a nice day at school without being bothered.

If the child is not saying mean things or hitting, or kicking or pushing, what is he doing?? Could the problem be that the "things"the child is doing are extremely minor and may be caused more by poor social skills than an aggressive bully? This would explain the teacher saying please dont tattle!
Ignoring doesnt work, telling the child NO firmly and loudly should work or get the teacher to interfere.

That seems to happen a lot, which I don't understand given the zero tolerance of bullies positions of the schools. Do the think that not acknowledging that there are bullies means there are none? This is just so counterintuitive. Anyway, what I'd do if I were your friend is talk to the teacher or send a note. If she doesn't get results, the principal is the next step.

I would need to observe this behavior. because it almost souns like the mischivious one wants to play/interact/be friends with your friends son but doesnt' know how to do it. Following him around, not saying anything mean??

if, this is the case then ignoring him isn't going to solve it.

Perhaps saying, Buddy I want to play with blocks right now, why don;'t you play with puzzles. or Buddy I do'nt want to sit next to you every day at lunch but I'll sit next to you when we have music class OK?

now if there are other behaviors like poking or making irritating noises then that's different.

definately talk tot he teacher and see what these behaviors really are.

If your friends son is the oldest and only has baby sisters maybe he just isn't used to rambuncious mischevious boys and has a low tolerance.

.

Yep, email the teacher. Your friend's explanation will be much more clear than her child. With little kids you need to take this stance that a teacher told me, if you won't believe everything they say about me, I won't believe everything they say about you! I teach Sunday school, I believe in that!

If the email doesn't work then a face to face meeting, if that doesn't work copy the principal on the email. My oldest had a kid like this and I volunteered in his class one day and saw it myself, it would have drove me crazy! I requested that after K they never were in a class together again. They never were, even through high school.

Has the your friend's son told the other boy to stop it & to leave him alone? I am not sure that ignoring is going to work in this case, with this kid. I would try to have the child handle it as much as possible before complaining to the teacher. And, if the behavior doesn't stop, then mom needs to help her son out with addressing the teacher.

So the parent, should tell the Teacher.
These are young kids.
You can't expect them to just do things succinctly.

My son, is in 1st grade. There is a boy in his class that is a real troublemaker. BUT he likes to play with my son. I see this myself because I help in his classroom. My son speaks up, but still, you can't control other kids when you are not there yourself. So you TELL THE TEACHER. The parent needs to do this.
I told my son's Teacher... but she is very aware of this issue... and of that boy bothering my son. Even if my son speaks up. SO... because this boy bothers my son.. and others, the TEACHER handles it and her classroom and students. She has even told that boy's Parents, because it is a continual issue and the kids complain about that boy too.
So, I trust the Teacher, and she was GLAD I told her too.. because NOW she will be more alerted to the problem. But my son's Teacher, is proactive. And attentive.
And now the boy, has consequences and is disciplined. In class and/or on the playground if he troubles other kids.
AND my son's Teacher, even made that boy apologize to ME, too and my son. Because, that is one of the ways that my son's Teacher handles things. That boy now, is more respectful, to me and my son.

You can't just expect young kids like this to handle it on their own.
You TELL the Teacher.
And some kids will NOT listen to other kids either.
Just because my son is very good at speaking up, that other boy is just a pest and does not listen to other kids.
So again, you TELL THE TEACHER.

At this age, this is where Momma Bear comes in. He has tried things himself, didnt work.
I would be on the phone with the teacher.
Some annoyance from other kids is normal, but how will he achieve at school if some little crazy is following him around all day being a turd?

This is when the MAMA steps in and talks to the teacher. She tells her what she has been telling her son but it is not working. Then says he told you and he said you said not to be a tattletale. Now what do you want him or expect him to do in this situation??? How can he get past this if you tell him he is tattling??? Then she should wait for the teacher to tell her what she is going to do about it. Hold her to it, follow up and document that you have talked with her on X day and what was said. GL

At this age, mom should have contacted the teacher when all this began. This little boy is too young to deal with whatever is going on at school by himself. The teacher is in the dark because no one has told her anything and the little boy is miserable because he doesn't possess the skills needed to handle the situation yet. Also, you have to realize young children communicate things to the best of their ability, but that is limited at 5 years old so realize you may not be getting a clear picture of what is really going on. Call or schedule a conference with the teacher ASAP.

I have not read all of the replies, but I would have your friend's son make a fist & punch this kid in the face! (Just kidding) I know we all would like to know that our kids can take up for themselves = 0 ) . I would definately have the mom go up to school & see what this other kid looks like (possibly observation on the mom's perspective) & have a discussion with the teacher & ask the teacher if in deed she told her son not to be a tattle tale. If she did, then ask the teacher if she would rather be alerted to a potential problem that may escalate from here or worry about the aftermath of an injury if this type of behavior is not dealt with. Either way the mom will make her concern known & this might be watched more carefully, as all your friend's mom wants is to know that her son can be safe during the day at school & not have to worry about that the teacher as an adult can be trusted to keep a watch & that her son can come to the teacher and feel safe when reporting such behavior which your friend can also express this to the teacher as well. Best of luck to your friend!

I think the mommy needs to remember she is hearing one side of the event from a five year old. I am sure there is some definite coloration on the events that are occurring in class. If the teacher said not to tattle is it possible that this shy, quiet child is also particular and if a noisy "outgoing" child doesn't do something the way he wants, it is annoying (heck, I'm not 5 and struggle with that). It is very possible it is tattling and mom is only getting one side.
Did the child say the teacher said it was tattling or did she talk to teacher and teacher said it was tattling. That is where I was confused. Regardless, one-on-one meeting with child there. The teacher can shed light on the situation for both child and parent.:)

The mother definitely needs to contact the teacher herself. I would not approach it by blaming the other kid though. She needs to tell the teacher that her son is having difficulty getting along with another kid in the class and ask for her advice. It is true that kids will pick on another kid if they can get a reaction out of them.

I had this problem with my older son. Starting in preschool, he always seemed to have one kid in each class that pestered him. My son was not shy, but he was the type that other kids could get a reaction out of. I tried to teach my son not to react, but he was just too young to get it. I felt like in several of the cases, the other kid just wanted to be my son's friend and was not sure how to get his attention appropriately. So, I invited the other kid over to our house for a play date. They did not become friends really, but it seemed to help the situation from just one play date that I could supervise. This may be an option if you do not get any help from the teacher.

I had the biggest problem with this in Kindergarten also. It was a little girl that was picking on my son! Unfortunately, the teacher always saw my son's reaction and not the little girl's taunting, so my son was the one that got in trouble. I spoke with several other parents in the class and they all said that no one liked this little girl, she was really annoying. I tried calling the parents, but they were not receptive to working with me on the problem and they ended up contacting the principal to complain about my son. Fortunately, the little girl moved away over the summer and that was the end of that problem.

If the mother does not let the teacher know what is going on, it will likely escalate and her son may end up being blamed for his reactions.

I don't know why exactly, but my son never seemed to have a problem with this after Kindergarten. I spent a lot of time talking with him about controlling his reactions and even practiced role playing with him.

I would be in this classroom asking her side of the story. Then if it's not acceptable I would be telling her what has been said at home. She is not a mind reader and is human. Maybe she had 25 kids in the last 5 minutes telling her someone did this or that. We all reach our limit.

If this is her style of teaching though the momma needs to make sure her son is safe and not being bullied.