Hello - I have three autism spectrum children who desperatly need the love and support of their family. My husband and I struggle to make ends meet and spend quality family time together. My mom who has been single all of her adult life doesn't spend much time with her grandchildren. When she does, she does so out of guilt or only in an emergency. She refuses to babysit unless we find ourselves in a tough situation like a funeral or needing to take a child to the doctor or er. My kids want to see more of her (she lives 10 mins away & has been unemployed for the last year) but she always claims she's got something else to do. She depends on me greatly for emotional support and my husband is tired of her excuses. My oldest who is 11 is beginning to question why he doesn't see his Grandma. What do I tell him?
We have one grandparent who lives 15 minutes away who has baby-sat once in 6 years AT REQUEST. We don't discuss it & enjoy him when he's around.
An 11 year old is something I haven't had to deal with yet. I think I'd shrug and say "That's just how Gramps is; we love him anyway."
I am confused, are you mad because she is not making time to spend with all of you, or because she will not babysit more often? If it is because she is not spending time with all of you, let her know how you feel and offer to have her over for lunch or dinner once a week to give you all more time to be with each other. Let her know how important this is to not only to the children, but too you as her child.
If the issue is that she will not babysit more, that is her right. She may find it hard to deal with 3 Autistic children by her self, and she feels that she raised her children already and should not be made to feel guilty for not raising yours. I am not saying you are asking her to raise them, but try to see it from her side a little. Do you ask too often, or just expect her to do it for free because you do not think her plans are as important as yours? I am not trying to sound harsh, I only have a small amount of info on the situation, but I know that there is always 2 sides to every situation. It sounds like you need to get together for a non-accusatory, open mined, non-judgmental, mother daughter talk.
Hi there,
My heart goes out to you- it sounds like you want more support than she's willing to offer. Icky family situations are always so hard!!
Are you able to really talk to her and get honest responses? From the sound of it, the childcare only happens in desperate, high stress situations. If you need to negotiate a bit, you could always start out with:
"Mom, thanks so much for helping us out in (fill in occasion). It must be hard on you, though, these last minute requests!! Let's sit down and plan a time where you can have some quality time with (one of the kids). Do you have your calendar handy?" "No, well, next time we talk, let's set a date for you and (child's name) to get together." click. You might consider "taking turns" by basically withholding your emotional support duties until you are on equal footing with your own needs.
Best of luck!
I would just say "Everyone is different. Family is more important to some people than it is to others. Some people are more self-involved and some are more involved in others. It just the nature of the beast. We're all family oriented people, but Grandma really isn't too much. It's just her personality, so don't take it personally."
Tell him that Grammy has her own life and seems to be busy a lot. I wouldn't rely on her for childcare but can you have her over once a week for dinner?
In times like these there really is nothing that you can do or say to satisfy anyone. I have been in a situation like this myself and i quit calling on my Mom to help me. I found other ways such as taking the others along with me as long as my husband was there as well. It didnt take long at all to show her that i really didnt need her, i was just giving her the opportunity to spend more time with her grandchildren. Now she gets then every other week because we live 1 hour and a half away. When my kids asked when they could see her i always told them when she didnt have anything to do she would come and see them. On the other hand, you need to have a talk with your mom and tell her how u feel. Let her know u are tired of her using your kids as an excuse to always find something else to do where she dont have to help. Let her know that it hurts you to see her treat them in that way. All in all this really hurts your kids because they hear at school about fun times with grandma from their peers and they look at their lives and wonder if they arent good enough for granma to spend time with them. Grandmas usually have to fight with their daughter to see the kids. I have a step mom who wants to get kids and then tell u that u owe them money for babysitting when she is the one who called and asked to get them. I personally dont think that u are in the wrong and i dont think u ask her too much. I think your mom has a single life and she wanst to go out and live the single life when all in all she should set time aside for family time. As far as grandparents being paid for babysitting that is a huge NO NO. Grandparents use that time as their time to spend with the children and that would be like you paying her back for having you which is not right. You really need to set down and explain to her everything and let her know how u feel. Communication is what is lacked in families these days and needs to be reintroduced!! Honey i will pray for you and your mom and i hope that one day she will see what a blessing these babies are and she will realize that u and your husband deserve a night alone. praying that she will take responsibility of being the grandma she needs to and the granma your babies need! GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!
The truth. Mom is emotionally unavailable to you and probably is either unable to feel secure watching the children or scared something will happen. Perhaps she too, is on the spectrum of autism. At any rate autism is a label and it isn't scarey and if that is what could scare her give her information. Don't ask either, if you want to see her, just go over there. Perhaps she has a little social anxiety disorder I know I do but I make myself do things. Good luck.I also wanted to add this: my mother never babysat either. And she seldom came to anything despite geographical closeness. I disagree with a poster that says talk it out. I have never seen that work unless you are willing to have someone walk away from you. No guarantee they will be sad or sorry like you are. But do write letters and save them and burn them. It will release your anger.
You can't force your mother to want to spend time with your children. Have you ever asked her why? It could be that she doesn't really understand the autism or she could be embarrased. Many older people don't understand autism and frankly neither do the so called experts. Talk, but make sure you listen with a open heart. Having 3 children with autism spectrum I am sure is a challenge for you and as a grandmother it is probably scary. Maybe she just need to be educated on autism, or maybe she just feels that she raised her children and should only see her grandchildren when she feels like it. If she depends on yu for emotional support then use one of those times to bring up the children. When your 11 year old ask about not seeing grandma, tell him to as his grandmother.
I don't know how old your mom is, but when I was approaching 50 and well into perimenopause (the gradual shift of hormones toward full menopause), I was suddenly burdened with emotional issues, low energy, and new health problems that I had no idea would be waiting for me. I had always been so strong, capable, and there for other people. What a shock, for me and for my loved ones.
For the last 15 years, I've been mostly in the place that your mom might be in. I can rise to the occasion when heroism is called for, but honestly, I'm tired, I live with constant discomfort which restricts my ability to bend, lift, or move quickly, my tolerance for lots of activity and noise is considerably lower than when I was younger.
When my daughter decided to get pregnant almost six years ago, my first worry was that she'd want me to babysit. How could I, when getting through my own day was such an effort? Fortunately, I fell so in love with my newborn grandson that I make an effort every week that is for me heroic, but rewarding for both of us.
But what if I didn't feel that connection ( which, really, didn't have to happen – we don't necessarily choose whom we'll fall in love with). Then babysitting would be a chore, which I'd struggle to find the willingness to do.
You and your children "desperately need" your mom's support and love. Perhaps she is desperate for the same from you. The fact that your kids want to see her more speaks well of the love she gives them when they're together. Could be that handling three autism spectrum children at once is simply too much to ask of her. I'd be terrified, myself, that I wouldn't be able to keep them all happily engaged and safe.
Can you give her the option of spending time with them one at a time? That might be a win for all of you.
Do your children require extra care because they are autistic? If so maybe your mother is not comfortable caring for them because she feels inadequately prepared or simply unable to care for them.
She is under no obligation to babysit just because she is a relative. it is sad that she doesn't want more visiting, but that is her choice. Some folks just are not into kids (even if they have had some kids themselves) and with the special needs that makes it tougher
Just tell your son that she loves them but she prefers to have a lot of grown-up time and more time for herself.
I suggest you make a lunch date with your mom and gently ask her what gives. Perhaps she would be willing to have a "play date" with each child separately on, say, a monthly basis. It appears she considers babysitting as an obligation she just doesn't want. You can't force a grandparent to be involved with her grandchildren, autistic or not, but maybe there are some common interests, especially with your oldest child, that would make time together fun for both of them. I would tell your oldest child that you're going to talk with grandma to try to arrange some get together time, but be sure not to promise him of that.
