How to Leave My Husband - Watertown,MA

This is so all over the place. First you can't kick him out, he owns the house too. Your keeping track of him driving drunk will do nothing. I could write a journal of when you run naked through the subdivision, does that mean you actually do run through the subdivision naked? Wives divorcing lie, judges see anything without solid proof as a lie.

So pretty much you have nothing except a desire to divorce.

Talk to your friend who is a lawyer they will know the laws in your state. They will know what judges take as real proof. Then gather that proof. You still won't get full custody, they just don't give full custody anymore unless the parties agree to it or you have proof of severe harm to the children. Drunk won't cut it.

I am telling you this because once you lay your cards on the table he gets to react. The cards you have are losers, don't lay them down or you will have an ugly battle. Play this smart, talk to a lawyer.

Although B's suggestion would get it on record he drove drunk it will also cost you a mess of money you don't seem to have and damage his earnings taking away more money. Like I said, talk to a lawyer.

You need money and therefore you need to find a job.

A strategic plan should include how you will support yourself and your children short term and long term. Saying that you can stay with family is not a plan and it is also not fair to them to disrupt their life. How do you plan on paying back the money you may borrow?

Your notebook is irrelevant. It will be your word against his word.

You are asking for what to do now? You need to go see a therapist. Like right now.

I see a couple things from your post:

You said: But all I have to say to him is that I've been keeping track of his drinking and how many times he has gotten behind the wheel of a car drunk.No judge in their right mind will even allow him to have unsupervised visits with that info.

That is simply not true. And if your friend who is a lawyer is telling you that is true, they are not a very good lawyer. Your husband's DUI status has NO BEARING on his ability to get joint custody OF HIS CHILDREN.

Has he driven drunk with the kids in the car? That may sway the judge... but not enough for you to get custody and be able to take his kids away from him.

If you go out of state over the summer and stay there you are kidnapping his kids. That will look bad for YOU.

You said: I have tried AL-anon before and wasn't a fan. It was for a lot of people whose problems were FAR worse than mine....
Your problems as you explain them..... are
1. You husband has a drinking problem, may be an alcoholic and you are "keeping track" of the times he drives while intoxicated.
2. You are so unhappy in your marriage that you are contemplating taking your children out of state without his agreement.
3. You don't indicate anything other than drinking but you feel that justifies you kicking him out of the home you share (I presume his name is on the mortgage / lease?).

Your problems are pretty bad, honey. That you can't see it indicates that YOU need to talk things over with a therapist for yourself.

For what it's worth - everyone has their own issues and triggers and buttons. you don't indicate other issues in the marriage except for the drinking and you don't give a lot of specifics about his behavior. From what you have said you haven't even provided grounds for divorce... other than that YOU want out. I'm not even sure he would be hands-down an alcoholic. If this is something that is more than you can take.... that is your decision... but I'm not sure you are going to be in a good position to kick him out of the house and take his kids away.

If you know he's driving drunk - turn him in when he's doing it so he gets a record for DUI - that will be proof much more so than any log book you keep.

You haven't given us a whole lot of history on your discussions with him about his behavior. Have you talked with him about your concerns? Have you told him how you feel about him driving drunk? Not sure if he is receptive to the communication, but it would help if you provided more information about your communication with him.

My next thought is, why have you been planning for 6 months to leave him? Because of the drinking? Again, have you told him your feelings? Have you suggested couples counseling? Have you gone to counseling on your own to explore these feelings and thoughts more?

Before you uproot your family, I would suggest talking to someone. This is a big decision and WILL impact your two children more than you can imagine. Children should not be expected to handle the emotional volatility of this type of situation. Having grown up in an alcoholic home, I can say that my Mom's neurotic behavior surrounding my Dad's drinking, was far harder than anything else on me. Careful how you behave around this issue in front of your children. Go to therapy and get your thoughts in check before you make any rash decisions. I'm not suggesting that you don't have reason to leave, but just explore these things further before jumping at the change.

It sounds like he is definitely abusing alcohol. Anyone who drives home drunk repeatedly, knowing the effect of doing that, has a problem. Has he been in any legal trouble because of his drinking? Is he neglecting his work responsibilities or home responsibilities? These are all things to think about.

I hope that you will get yourself into counseling. It sounds like you could use the support and it would help you sift through these different issues.

what that judge 'in his right mind' might very well say is 'you've been keeping track of a drunk getting behind the wheel but you haven't called the police????' and take the tack that YOU are irresponsible.
keeping track is great. but if you know someone is driving drunk it is your civic responsibility to protect OTHER people's kids by notifying the law.
what i don't see anywhere is how your conversations with your husband are going. because you are talking to him, right? he's aware that his marriage is teetering on the brink and he's on the verge of losing both wife and kids?
going on vacation and just not coming back is a poor plan. if he did something like that i have no doubt you'd cry (with justification) 'kidnapping!'
you 'think' he doesn't have the guts or the money to fight it. if you just arbitrarily drop this in his lap you may be unpleasantly surprised at how much fight he develops.
if your family is willing to give you the money to fight him 6 months down the road, why not help you NOW? ask him to leave, and if he won't, borrow the money and take the kids and go. but you need to be very very careful about taking the kids out of state with no custody order in place. you could jeopardize the high road you currently enjoy.
you sound done, so i won't recommend marriage counseling. but if you're out of this marriage, get out smart. hanging around for 6 more months watching him endanger other people, then sneaking off with the kids, is not a good plan. if this is all you've come up with in 6 months of 'strategic planning' you need to enlist a much better strategist to help you out. borrow some money from your family now and spend it on a good divorce attorney.
khairete
S.

Have you discussed your concerns with your hubby? I understand that you are concerned about him drinking and driving, and you've been planning on leaving him because of this, but is this the only reason? Have you discussed it, asked him why he drinks so much? My hubby drinks a lot when he is depressed. I usually cut him a lot of slack and try to work with him on the depressed issue.

In any case, I'm a believer that if you are not in an abusive marriage, you need to give your spouse a 6 month notice, letting them know you are unhappy, wish things to change, and are willing to put forth the effort if they are. If they aren't interested, then oh well, but marriage is about working through the hard bits.

I wish I had some advice to help you to leave, but is don't feel like I have enough information.

I'm a retired police officer. The only time the.police may be able to catch him is when the caller can see the drunk and can desribe how is driving erratically and include make and color of the car, license number and your're able to say where he is.

I suggest he may have been drunk long enough that his driving will not look like he's drunk so they probably wouldn't notice him with out the above information. Anyway, since you're not with him or know what time he's on the road or where he's driving the police will not be able to do anything. Police are limited by the laws. They cannot stop a car without a reason. If you could call with all of the information and they are available they may be able to find him but it's unlikely.

You need to call it in when he is driving home drunk...please don't let him hurt someone else. You can request to keep it anonymous.

The 'far worse' stories you hear at Al-anon is how the disease progresses. If he continues to drink, and you stay with him, those will be your stories.
Ask which meeting has childcare (some do) or ask a friend for help. Given the circumstances I'm sure they would try to help.

Do you not have access to any financials at home? Start hiding money. Get your financial records so you know what is in each account and how it will be split. At this point, I cannot believe he is on top of the money, and is he having blackouts?

Start seeing a therapist who is certified in addictions.

Your children are so young that a move will not drastically upset them, at least compared to the stress you are under now.

You have at least six months to get to a lawyer, save money, inform your family, and secure support. Please stop hoping he will change/ investing in him and start investing in your exit.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you ate feeling? Have you tried to get some help. Is he open to getting help. Why not give hi a chance. Enforce you uproot everyone. If he is not open to getting help, that's a different story. I would try for sure.

Just to clarify something someone else said, Joint Custody does NOT mean you will not get child support, they are two DIFFERENT issues. Custody determines WHO makes medical and education decisions for the child. Child support helps the parent financially who has the child the most. You may NOT get child support if you BOTH work and make close to the same amount of income AND if you split your parenting time 50/50. So don't be afraid to divorce because you may not get child support, that simply is not true.

My kids were 4 and 7 when I divorced my ex. I had a serious conversation with him on what needed to change, gave him 3 months to prove he wanted to stay married and basically, he couldn't do it. I was NOT working full time at the time, in fact, I had just started an insurance agency from scratch 4 months prior. It didn't matter. I told him I wanted him out and he stayed with his parents that night and within a week had his own apartment and I filed for divorce. I lost the house and moved in with my mom and kids until I could get back on my feet. I didn't plan on falling in love and getting married again but I did. That was 7 years ago and I don't work and have the kids full time and I get child support from my ex. Although I don't have an income, AZ considers me to make minimum wage so that's how its calculated. Your attorney friend will know what your state laws are.

And yes, you can and should be documenting his drinking. It's likely he won't fight you for the kids if he has no interest in them now. Just be reasonable that he WILL be legally able to have the kids. Mine only sees them every other weekend and holiday. So if you divorce and he gets to see the kids, it will be when he's drunk so think about that, it will be out of your hands unless you can PROVE he's got a drinking problem and shouldn't have the kids by himself. You are in a bind for sure. Good luck.