I’m sad. My 3yr old daughter and I have been a part of a playgroup across town for a while. I’ve decided to leave it for a number of reasons. I have had a couple of situations with the assistant organizer, who has been extreamly judgmental and often just mean to many of the members, including myself. I have spoken to her, but kept it quiet as to avoid causing problems with the group, though most of the other mothers have expressed issues with her also. Now the organizer is wonderful and very friendly. Mostly, I don’t feel that this play group is very welcoming to the older children (pretty much anyone 2 or older). They only want us around to ask us questions, and give out hand-me-downs. I feel used and unwelcomed. I only ever brought my daughter 3 or 4 times, the rest were mother's night out-outings. My daughter left the playgroup in tears many times. It broke my heart. I have joined another group that is absolutely wonderful and so supportive of everyone. I love it.
I have made some friends while a part of the first group. One of the women and I are very good friends. Our children play very well together and they have really become like family. The problem is that when I stopped coming to the meetings, they began asking her questions that she doesn’t want to answer about my whereabouts. She tried to just tell them that I was too busy, but they wouldn’t let it go. She said that she had to go to another room for them to stop. She has experienced the same things, but has a higher tolerance than I have and lives closer. There is no reason that my friend should have to deal with the questions. I thought that leaving quietly was the way to go, but now I’m wondering if I should give some explanation. If so, what do I say and to whom do I say it? I just want her to be able to go to a play date and not feel uncomfortable.
I agree with you all. I think that this is all very clicky, high school behavior. Yet another reason that I’m not too heartbroken, and again, it isn't everyone, but it is enough to cause a problem. My daughter didn’t really get a chance to know many of the kids, so I felt this was the best time to cut out before she made bonds. I have made other friends in this group, but most of them are in the new group also. They understand. It is the others that I met once or twice that are coming with the questions.
I have sent the organizer an email to explain the situation. I wondered if I should inform her of all of the reasons that I’m leaving, but I decided that it wouldn’t matter either way. I thought about writing a send off email to the group also, but I’m just not sure that is a great idea. I hope that the note to the organizer will clear things up. I’m afraid that anything else will just add to the imaginary scandal that some have created. I just really want to go on with our lives and they go one with theirs. Nothing personal, just wanting to be happy.
BTW. The friend I’m speaking of is part of the new playgroup also. She wants to stay close to the others because that is the area that she lives in and her children will be in school with many of the kids.
Thank you all for your responses. You have been a great help.
I'd just send an email or something to the organizer of the play group that says, "Hello...hope all is well with you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be participating with a play group closer to us. Thanks for all the great times. BE BLESSED!" I wouldn't go into any of the gory details or leave any avenue for calling up any disquieting thoughts. It's already done with.
Hi W.-
I agree with the other responders that if your friend is uncomfortable with it then she should be able to put in end to the interrogation herself, but sometimes it's just not in us to do this and I understand you wanting to help her in this situation.
My suggestion then is for you to send an email to the organizer of the group and simply thank her for including you and your daughter in the group for the time that you were there and tell her that due to the distance and your schedule you and your daughter will not be attending any more. If there were other members of the group that you felt close to and would like to "provide closure for" go ahead and send them the same note and word will spread through the group and your friend should be off the hook.
Good Luck,
K.
About 10 years ago, I had a play group situation. I probably would have handled it much differently if I had known that as my children got older I would see these same women in pre-school, elementary school, sports activities, social gatherings (because it's a small world) etc.
Be kind, be gracious and simply call both women. (I would not e-mail...too much room for interpretation...too tempting to forward your note to anyone else who might be "interested"). Something like "Just calling because you've heard they were concerned that you had left on bad terms, let them know it was just a matter of logistics (day of meetings, cost of gas, whatever...) but be sure to thank them for including you, and if pressed explain that you've found a playgroup where your oldest child fits in a little better, but you certainly appreciate their hospitality. If anyone gets hostile, remember that judgmental people are often hiding insecurities and again gently explain that it's nothing personal, you just needed a playgroup that had more older children available for your daughter to play with.
Trust me, when they have their second child, they'll view the situation through your eyes. In the meantime, take some comfort in the fact that you are obviously missed!
Honestly I would give them the what for. But I often have some sort of bypass between my brain and my mouth. So I would try to have a little tact. But I would tell them that you're leaving with the exact reasons why. And I would tell them that it was not their place to harass other people to find about your whereabouts. It's unproffessional, and just plain rude. I'm sure that you probobly aren't the first one to be unhappy, but put it in writing, that way it's documented, and maybe it will send a wake up call to the director of the place. Best of luck.
Keep the friends you've made and move on. You owe an explanation to no one. Your friends know why you left. If the gals who stayed feel they are being harassed about your whereabouts, it's their business and they need to handle it as they see fit. You have no obligation to the rest of these women so let it go and MOVE ON!
I had a similar situation one time and it just made me so angry that anyone would use my good friend for information about me. I just told my friend that she should just tell them if they wanted to know anything about me, they had my number and leave it at that. I know it seems a bit harsh but they did not have a right to use her that way, and I never got a call needless to say. Sorry you are going through this, your friend will probably get enough at some point. It is great that you got into a good playgroup:)
She shouldn't feel obligated to make 'announcements' for you. Especially if others in the group might redirect your feelings back at her (like being guilty by association: if you feel this way, she must have the same opinion too.) If I were you, I would tell her to respond to any inquiries with "Honestly, I don't know all her reasons. I suspect that she had other obligations or wanted to pursue other opportunities for her child. If you miss visiting with her, you might want to email her. Maybe you can visit 1-on-1."
Just leave with no fan fare or explanation..If someone really wants to know, they will call and ask you and you can decide how much info that you want to give. It could be that you found one on your side of town or your starting your own or tell the truth.. The organizer should know if people have a problem with her assistant but other than that, I would keep it quite. Good luck
Having left many churches without saying anything to the congregation, I understand how you feel! You don't want to seem like a trouble maker and would rather just bow out gracefully. I agree with the other poster. When the friend is asked about you, she should just say that they are welcome to contact you and then you can handle it yourself.
I personally feel like standing up in front of the group and telling them why I'm leaving but I've never actually done it. haha Usually when someone asks I just say that I didn't like the direction the church was taking and needed to find something that was a better fit for our family. You might say that to anyone who asks about why you left the group, and they are more likely to leave it at that with YOU then they would with your friend.
You cannot control other people. How she deals with them is up to her. You have not put her in a bad position or any position at all. You have done what you needed to od for your family, and you don't owe anyone but your daughter an explanation for that. The nosey people who are hounding your friend need to get a life, and your friend needs to have the guts to tell them to leave her alone about it. You say that she has more tolerance. I'm thinking that she just doesn't have it in her to stand up to them. She needs to deal with her own discomfort. Anything more from you just drags it out, and you enable your friend in her inability to stand up for herself. You also defeat the purpose of your leaving in the first place, to shed that stress and other discomfort from your life.
Honestly, this sounds like a lot of high school politics to me. Mature and well-adjusted ladies do not pry into the doings of others. I would send a nice card to the group as a whole, thanking them for the good times, but that it's time for you to move on. Leave it at that. I would also ask your friend if she would like to join you at your new playgroup; sometimes all it takes is having someone you know there to break the ice!
Be honest. Tell them that you have found a playgroup that has a little bit older kids that get along well with your daughter. There will always be hurt feelings or someone will start talking trash, but so what. You are right that your friend shouldn't have to be your stand-in, but why couldn't she just say something like, "I am not sure what W. is planning or doing, you will have to talk to her about that." That is a polite way of handling it that is sure to stop anyone in their tracks. You need to do what is best for both of you. We had a little girl who was autistic, but whose mother either wasn't aware of it, or didn't address it. After the little girl attacked my son several times, we stopped going. You wouldn't want to go to a party filled with people you don't care for, that is the same with playgroups. Both you and your daughter need to be comfortable; while you should treat all people with kindness and respect, that doesn't mean that you have to LIKE everybody...you like who you like!
Be positive, leave a message on the board about how its time to move on but you enjoyed the activities, and that you made great friends. If you bring up the actual problem publically than you are setting yourself up for mixed reactions and if you are only worried about keeping you one friend just keep her and I think leave gracefully is always best
I would call the assistant organizer and tell her to inform the group that you have left. Tell her that you were unhappy with that group and have joined another. Thank you good bye. If she pryes and is being rude tell her you have to go and hang up. Then I would call one of the other ladies from the group ... the one that gossips the most. and tell her the same thing again gotta go and hang up. Good luck. I hate when friends get attacked with questions why dont people go to the source?
Tell the truth to the organizer, asst. organizer, and the rest of the group. If you feel that others are also having a problem (especially your friend who is being harassed) then you need to say something. This may be a way of opening up a chain of dialogue to get some things changed. There is no reason a child should leave a play time crying other than they don't want to leave.
Tell the truth about how you feel, and tell it outloud for anyone who wnts to hear and even a few who don't! Let your friend know that you two can maitain your friendship, and allow your children to play together privately at one of your homes! These people need to know what they are doing that is chasing people away! Especially if it is a buisness, but even if it isn't, they still need to know. Keep your friend and anything that she has said to you privately out of it! Perhaps more moms will speak up after you have! Best of luck! Hey your leaving anyway, what do you care if they talk about you after your gone!LOL!
With the price of gas (though it's falling, it's still high) it is perfectly reasonable to allow your friend to say, "She lives across town, and these gatherings were a bit much for her to drive all the time." And leave it at that.
Hi W.,
I wouldn't be so concerned with what anyone else thinks! Just tell them that you've joined a new group that suits your daughter's need better. If they want to read something into it it's not your concern. Your friend may need to stiffen her spine just a tad too and tell the others the same thing. If they keep at her she can tell them that she doesn't want to discuss your business and that they can call you directly if they really need more information than this. (of course they won't, but if they do just repeat the sentence over again and change the subject)
Learning how to deal with nosey or gossipy people is just part of life, unfortuately. Don't let it get you down or drag negative situations out even longer by not being direct. No ones feelings have to get hurt - learn how to say MYOB (mind your own business) in a diplomatic way and the drama in your life will decrease.
Good luck!
L.
Tell her to say: I really don't know, it must be gas money or something. Here's her number, why don't you ask her yourself?
That should stop them.
Your right, your friend should not have to answer for you. But the only way to avoid it is if you tell 'em your self. Just be honest. You feel your daughter has out grown the play group. You have found one better suited to your's and your daughter's needs. You might sweeten it by telling them how much you enjoyed your time with them but you just feel now is the time to move on.
Your good friend has been told by you I am sure. Next time you go and anything happens let them know that you have found a play group that is closer to you and that things have been wonderful there say it to everyone that way there will be no questions later. Your friend may also decide to change groups you will never know. But the most important thing is your child not what they will say later about you, behind your back. They will all know the truth and see it for them selves. But also be sure to tell the organizer why you are doing this in private.
Good grief, it's like Jr. High over there! Tell those people you found a playgroup closer to home with more children your daughters age and change the subject! If you friend can't do it (and it's pretty simple!) then send a note and some freakin' muffins!
glad you got out!
P. (former member of a group of horrible, small-minded mommies that actually booted me out...but that was years ago and I've moved on! :)
You don't owe them an explanation and your friend cannot speak for you. If they are really, sincerely concerned for your whereabouts, they will contact you directly.
It's very immature and childish the way some organizers/moms carry on in some children-oriented outlets. It's like everybody wants the attention and to be in control.
You left, found somewhere else comfortable that you enjoy so just focus on building relationships within your new group.
It's unfortunate your friend is pressured. Hopefully she will get creative in her response!
