My 4 year old daughter's bedroom is a small "sitting room" that opens into our master suite. She has been happily sleeping in her room for 2 1/2 years, with a baby gate to keep her from wandering during the night. She calls us when she need to use the potty (rare) or is sick, etc. It's been the perfect setup.
During an EPIC tantrum (hooray for the "f-you fours" and the joys of adjusting to a new sibling) she discovered not only how to climb over the 36" high metal gate, but also how to open it. This means that we can't keep her out of our room at night...and she now has a 2 month old baby brother, who co-sleeps via a "sidecar" crib next to Mom.
Big sis has a tendency to lavish *love* on her little brother to a *smothering* degree, and I'm worried about her sneaking into the sidecar crib (which used to be hers) at night. We have a king size bed, and I intentionally scoot far away from little brother so we don't disturb one another, apart from middle-of-the-night nursing sessions. I *think* I'd feel her hopping into bed, but she's tiny, sneaky and very determined, and I'm not positive. I also really hate to think of what she can get into downstairs, when she's feeling nefarious.
I don't like the idea of reversing her door handle to lock her in her room. We've never even shut the door at night - just the gate - and she's always been able to call if she needs us. She also has some separation anxiety (took almost 3 months to stop crying at preschool, 3 mornings/week), which has been heightened with little brother's arrival.
...but what in the world can I do to keep her contained and everyone safe at night?! Are there any super-high, truly lockable baby gates out there?
There are baby gates with hardware that screws into the wall or door frame. An adult can open them, easily, but a child could not. You could stack one over the other like a Dutch door, possibly?
i'm sure there are but i'd be using this as a teachable moment to start working with her on self control and trust.
she's past toddlerhood. it's time for her to learn to stay in her room without locks and gates. worrying about her fidgeting with the baby or getting into trouble downstairs is something i'd think about with a 2 year old, not a 4 year old.
of course, if she's very very naughty you DO have to have coping techniques while she's learning. something as simple as a windchime on the door might work. or (ha ha!) a small cordless motion sensor light. the startle effect could work in your favor.
then a firm no-nonsense back to bed.
small rewards for undisturbed nights.
khairete
S.
Buy a cheap interior door at Lowe's and cut it off as high above the doorknob hole as you need to keep her from being able to climb out. Sand it so that there are no splinters. Turn the knob so that it locks from the outside. She can still see outside her room, but she is contained. It's a compromise between a door that closes and a gate that is too short now to work.
You owe it to the infant to be protected by a 4 year old who doesn't yet understand not to be too rough. And for safety's sake, she cannot be allowed to wander at night.
At age four, she should be able to be taught what is and what is not appropriate when hugging or cuddling a little baby. Teach her by calmly demonstrating the rights and wrongs of holding a baby, hygiene (washing hands, never sharing a spoon, etc), and similar safe behaviors. Tell her that big girls can do special things that little babies cannot (like going for ice cream with mommy or daddy, going to school, playing with toys, choosing a movie or tv show to watch, etc) but that they also must behave like big girls around the baby.
And she certainly can learn not to sneak around the house at night. A baby gate for a four year old really isn't appropriate. Instead, you should be helping her to learn self-control, boundaries, and obedience. Help her learn that during certain hours, downstairs and parents' bed and baby's crib are not available to her. Buy one of those toddler clocks that show colors (green for ok to play, red for quiet time, etc) and help her learn when she must be in her room. Reward her obedience with your positive interaction, not money or toys or gifts. Now is the time to start teaching her about behavior, not locking her in. You only lock a child into a seat belt and car seat, not into a room, when the child is capable of understanding the rules and when the punishment makes sense.
And if she sneaks around, you'll have to use those logical consequences. If she disobeys the rules, you must remove privileges. "You are not obeying mommy and daddy's rules about not sneaking downstairs, so as a result, you'll have to sit in the kitchen at the table while we're making supper (or paying bills, etc) instead of being able to play in your room or watch tv in the family room." And make that time pretty boring. No tablet or electronics or fun coloring books.
As for the cursing tantrums, that's another subject. That kind of anger from a four year old is highly inappropriate. Don't respond or react, but ignore her completely. When the tantrum or the cursing stops, interact positively with your eye contact, conversation, and a hug.
Do you really think she would wake in the middle of the night and leave her room and wander around? I would try for a few nights and see if that actually happens. By her age, most kids just sleep unless something wakes them up (when they're sick or if they hear thunder).
If you find she does wake up and leave her room, then definitely explore your options. But I suspect she'll just sleep.
She's 4 years old. She is absolutely capable of learning how to show her little brother love without smothering him. Show her "nice touch" and "gentle."
I agree with Suz. This is a teachable moment for you. Take advantage of it.
We once had an indoor lightweight screen door in one of of our homes - which would allow you to see/hear your daughter but keep her contained. Really, it was just a lightweight frame with mesh covering it that someone rigged up very quickly and put hinges on and painted it white to match door trim. It looked nice and was functional (to keep cats out of a nursery).
However, I'm with everyone else - at 4 your daughter should be able to learn not to smother a baby. I could see 2 ... but 4, this really shouldn't be an issue. I think you're overthinking this. I get it .. and being overly affectionate (big hugs and kisses) but laying on or smothering is quite another.
Wandering around a house, same thing. I had little ones with night terrors and they would wake, but they didn't want to wander. I don't know anyone with little ones who wanted to wander. They wanted mommy or daddy.
I honestly don't think you need to go all out here. I am not sure you need the baby gate.
We had a baby gate at the top of our stairs, purely when our kids had the night terrors, just because to get from their rooms to ours, they had to go past very steep stairs in the dark (night lights only) and I didn't want them to take a wrong step with their blankets and trip and go down.
Find a screen door to put on her doorway, latch it with a hook and eye.
You also need to have the 'you're a big girl now' talk with her. 'Honey I'm so proud of you. You are such a good big sister to your brother, but remember you are a big girl now. Big girls stay in their bed at night and let mommy and baby brother sleep.'
Keep praising her and she will get it.
I guess I'd start moving towards shutting the door. Having the gate situation simply isn't an ideal long term solution and honestly, most kids her age sleep behind a closed door. I was always a closed door sleeper (and still am) in case of a fire - the door offers protection in a situation where even minutes could make the difference between life and death.
I'd start the transition to a big girl room with a big girl door. Healthy and happy sleeping habits for everyone involved.
